Question...
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Question...
How can you make someone pay when they don't have the money?
My AH is supposed to pay the sitter. He has no money and is terribly in debt - not my problem. But, now I have to pay the sitter; thus, it becomes my problem. He will pay her next week but I have to pay this week. That was my decision and I told him the same.
I am able to support my kids without his income. It gets a little hard at times and I don't have a lot for myself, but I can do it and have done it for quite sometimes. The only thing I've asked him to do was pay the sitter. (which is why he was watching them this winter b/c he was laid off and was getting unemployment, yada yada yada... He screwed that whole arrangement up last week.)
One of the things I'm having trouble with in deciding on this whole filing for "d" thing is child support. I know that if I don't go after him for it eventually the state will.
How can I, with a good conscious, sue him for child support knowing he has no money? That just doesn't seem right to me. Am I wrong to feel this way?
My AH is supposed to pay the sitter. He has no money and is terribly in debt - not my problem. But, now I have to pay the sitter; thus, it becomes my problem. He will pay her next week but I have to pay this week. That was my decision and I told him the same.
I am able to support my kids without his income. It gets a little hard at times and I don't have a lot for myself, but I can do it and have done it for quite sometimes. The only thing I've asked him to do was pay the sitter. (which is why he was watching them this winter b/c he was laid off and was getting unemployment, yada yada yada... He screwed that whole arrangement up last week.)
One of the things I'm having trouble with in deciding on this whole filing for "d" thing is child support. I know that if I don't go after him for it eventually the state will.
How can I, with a good conscious, sue him for child support knowing he has no money? That just doesn't seem right to me. Am I wrong to feel this way?
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Join Date: Nov 2004
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I think that is a question that is best discussed with a lawyer. I imagine that this issue comes up a great deal. There may be a way to garnish his wages for the child support when he is employed or something.
Good luck.
Jenny
Good luck.
Jenny
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The state will not go after child support unless 1) He is supposed to pay it as outlined in your device or 2) that your children are covered by some kind of government assistant program.
I know a few couples that have gone the dissolution route and have actually agreed that there be no child support paid by either parent.
As for making him pay the sitter - you can't "make" him do anything. You know this already though as you know that you can't make him do anything he doesn't choose to do.
And from the standpoint of it being wrong to sue him for child support when he has no money - well, here's my thoughts on that.....
First off, I think the phrase of "sue him" is the wrong term. (just my opinion)
But to ask him to help support his child financially is not wrong by any means. Now in all fairness, I will admit that there are cases where I don't believe a woman should ask for support - but that's a whole other topic. In your case, I don't feel that you should feel guilty at all. His children should be a top priority and when a person feels strongly about something, they will do whatever is in their power to uphold that. Therefore; if your Dh really cares about his children's well-being, then he will do whatever it takes to make them a priority - hence; paying support if that's what needed.
Don't forget......when an addict wants their drug of choice, they usually don't have a problem to finding a way to getting it.
(see the priority thing playing out here)
Plain and simple - you need to stop feeling sorry for him and feeling guilty and bad.
I know a few couples that have gone the dissolution route and have actually agreed that there be no child support paid by either parent.
As for making him pay the sitter - you can't "make" him do anything. You know this already though as you know that you can't make him do anything he doesn't choose to do.
And from the standpoint of it being wrong to sue him for child support when he has no money - well, here's my thoughts on that.....
First off, I think the phrase of "sue him" is the wrong term. (just my opinion)
But to ask him to help support his child financially is not wrong by any means. Now in all fairness, I will admit that there are cases where I don't believe a woman should ask for support - but that's a whole other topic. In your case, I don't feel that you should feel guilty at all. His children should be a top priority and when a person feels strongly about something, they will do whatever is in their power to uphold that. Therefore; if your Dh really cares about his children's well-being, then he will do whatever it takes to make them a priority - hence; paying support if that's what needed.
Don't forget......when an addict wants their drug of choice, they usually don't have a problem to finding a way to getting it.
(see the priority thing playing out here)
Plain and simple - you need to stop feeling sorry for him and feeling guilty and bad.
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Originally Posted by StandingStrong
As for making him pay the sitter - you can't "make" him do anything. You know this already though as you know that you can't make him do anything he doesn't choose to do. .
Originally Posted by StandingStrong
First off, I think the phrase of "sue him" is the wrong term. (just my opinion)
But to ask him to help support his child financially is not wrong by any means..
But to ask him to help support his child financially is not wrong by any means..
Originally Posted by StandingStrong
His children should be a top priority and when a person feels strongly about something, they will do whatever is in their power to uphold that. Therefore; if your Dh really cares about his children's well-being, then he will do whatever it takes to make them a priority - hence; paying support if that's what needed..
Originally Posted by StandingStrong
Don't forget......when an addict wants their drug of choice, they usually don't have a problem to finding a way to getting it.
(see the priority thing playing out here) .
(see the priority thing playing out here) .
Originally Posted by StandingStrong
Plain and simple - you need to stop feeling sorry for him and feeling guilty and bad.
Ugh!
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((((Jessica))))
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this! I think regardless of the terms used, from what you have said, you should make that a part of the divorce decree. I'm not an attorney, but someday around the corner, he may be doing better financially.... and who knows what his life will bring if the "d" word happens. Maybe look at it like you are protecting your children by having it in writing that poppa pays X % of his salary. The guilt part stinks but seems to me that maybe you are taking on the guilt that he should be feeling. And who's to say if you don't have it in writing that you will feel guilty about that later for your kid's sake? I don't believe that if a man or a woman has children that they should not be responsible for part of the expense of having them. Of course there are exceptions, like an adoption etc.
It's so easy to say be strong and so very hard to do (ya know I know that one!)
Big Hugs,
~FaithChaser
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this! I think regardless of the terms used, from what you have said, you should make that a part of the divorce decree. I'm not an attorney, but someday around the corner, he may be doing better financially.... and who knows what his life will bring if the "d" word happens. Maybe look at it like you are protecting your children by having it in writing that poppa pays X % of his salary. The guilt part stinks but seems to me that maybe you are taking on the guilt that he should be feeling. And who's to say if you don't have it in writing that you will feel guilty about that later for your kid's sake? I don't believe that if a man or a woman has children that they should not be responsible for part of the expense of having them. Of course there are exceptions, like an adoption etc.
It's so easy to say be strong and so very hard to do (ya know I know that one!)
Big Hugs,
~FaithChaser
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Hi Jessica,
I wouldn't feel guilty, I'd just do what you have to do and let the court decide.
You are fortunate that you can support your kids on your on if you have to.
Try to get away from feeling sorry for him.
Ngaire
I wouldn't feel guilty, I'd just do what you have to do and let the court decide.
You are fortunate that you can support your kids on your on if you have to.
Try to get away from feeling sorry for him.
Ngaire
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Someone told me "let the legal system handle it." So when my X would say something about $, i could say
"i don't know, you will have to talk to my attorney, she is handling that!"
That one sentence, REALLY REALLY helped. Because, he didn't have a great comeback for that one, and it helped make me feel less guilty. I wish I had more words for you regarding the guilt. It is insanity for us to feel guilty about them having to pay their share - but I felt the same way.
But, they are HIS children, he is responsible for helping pay for their upbringing. If he doesn't have money, then he needs to get a job. Maybe a judge will tell him that. Of course, I don't know the situation.
"i don't know, you will have to talk to my attorney, she is handling that!"
That one sentence, REALLY REALLY helped. Because, he didn't have a great comeback for that one, and it helped make me feel less guilty. I wish I had more words for you regarding the guilt. It is insanity for us to feel guilty about them having to pay their share - but I felt the same way.
But, they are HIS children, he is responsible for helping pay for their upbringing. If he doesn't have money, then he needs to get a job. Maybe a judge will tell him that. Of course, I don't know the situation.
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Originally Posted by wraybear
But, they are HIS children, he is responsible for helping pay for their upbringing. If he doesn't have money, then he needs to get a job. Maybe a judge will tell him that. Of course, I don't know the situation.
Let's see - He got laid off in November. Technically, before he got laid off he should have started working two jobs to pay off the debt he incurred in such a short time but he didn't. Now that he's laid off he says it makes no sense to get a job because he'd be making less than he does on unemployment. (Same mentality he's had the last 3 winters).
When he goes back to work in March he's thinking about getting another job. (I seriously doubt he will).
It seems to me that my AH lacks discipline and has always lacked discipline which is why I've taken over all of the bills years ago. If I didn't want to go into debt and file bankruptcy I had to take care of it all.
Bottom line, he's going to be going to court on some of these debts. The court will probably garnish his wages. I know this is hard on him, it's got to be hard on anyone. I know I cannot help him. I tried before and he's right back where he was before I jumped in.
It just doesn't seem right to me to add to that by taking him to court for child support. I'm not a selfish person and it seems that if I do, I will be being selfish.
If he gets caught up, I can always take him back to court later.
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It's not at all selfish to go on record as being owed child support. It's for the kids. He does owe it to them whether he has any income or not. It's his problem to figure out how to pay it. I did the same thing with taking over all the bills just 'cause I couldn't stand the idea of being in debt but it's still being codependent I think even tho it's self preservation. But if you sue for child support, or work out a child support plan in your divorce agreement, it's really just having a legally binding agreement that he should be paying this and whenever he does have any money he will owe it. His wages or any lottery winnings or tax refunds etc will be garnished to pay whatever debts he has been legally sued for, including the child support. But they will not take all of it, he will be left something to live on. And most men dont' have any trouble at all hiding their earnings when they know it's going to be garnished so dont' worry about him. Worry about your kids.
Yes you can in perfectly good conscience sue him for child support even when he has no money. It's just a legal claim. He won't be forced into slave labor to pay off the debt! (although I sometimes wish that were possible for people like my AH who go running up debts with no way to pay them off.) He cannot be forced to pay if there are no earnings. When there are then he can have some taken. But you won't get it if you dont' have a child support agreement.
You should seriously think about separating yourself financially from this man. He will continue to run up debts and you don't want to continue to be responsible for them, do you? It's enough that you're already supporting the kids yourself. No joint accounts, no joint ownerships, no payments on any of his debts, no dependence on him for money. But please do work out a child support agreement even if he can't pay it now. He owes it to the kids, it's the very least he owes them.
Yes you can in perfectly good conscience sue him for child support even when he has no money. It's just a legal claim. He won't be forced into slave labor to pay off the debt! (although I sometimes wish that were possible for people like my AH who go running up debts with no way to pay them off.) He cannot be forced to pay if there are no earnings. When there are then he can have some taken. But you won't get it if you dont' have a child support agreement.
You should seriously think about separating yourself financially from this man. He will continue to run up debts and you don't want to continue to be responsible for them, do you? It's enough that you're already supporting the kids yourself. No joint accounts, no joint ownerships, no payments on any of his debts, no dependence on him for money. But please do work out a child support agreement even if he can't pay it now. He owes it to the kids, it's the very least he owes them.
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