queenofthehwy

H and I went to MC last week and we had to each pick one thing to work on for the week so he picked kindness and I picked passion. Well I have not done too bad, he's done pretty good, but I can't get over this feeling that he is only being nice in the hopes I'll have sex with him. Even though he is being nicer he is still drinking every night.

Last night he was oh so nice and wanted some, but I didn't, so this morning he is rude again. I am so sick of this.

Did any of you ever think I don't care even if he is nice he has been so mean so long it doesn't even matter anymore?

walkingtheline

I learned to train dogs. The main truth I learned has held true whether I was dealing with a puppy, my children or any living creature is this:

If you pet them one day and beat them down the next...they will neither love you, respect you, trust you or choose to be with you. Consistancy is important!

These men cannot be abusive in words or actions one day (or hour), then sweet and nice the next and expect love, trust, respect or interaction.

I'm with you on this.

queenofthehwy

Very well spoken. You got just exactly what I was trying to say. Makes sense when you put it that way.

Thank you

JessicaNAJ

WTL - that was powerful. And a very good point!

Patsyd1

Hi Queen,

Marriage counseling with an active alcoholic?

Dealing with a selfish, self-centered alcoholic won't change through Marriage Counseling.

I would suggest that you get to Alanon meetings, and do it for YOU, not him.

He is an adult, allow him to take responsibility for his drinking and his thinking, and I would suggest that you take responsibility for you and your thinking, by taking care of you at Alanon meetings, because this isn't about him and what he is doing or not doing, this IS about YOU, and what you are doing or not doing.

Peaches04

I'll just add my 2 cents to say that unfortunately, Patsy is right. I went to marriage counseling with mine and I started working on me and getting so much better, but he stayed where he was. We finally got to the point where the marriage counselor said there was nothing more she could do because I had progressed "way up here" and he was still "way down here" and until "he caught up with me", we were stuck. Has anyone else had that experience?? That being said Queen - I know you are going as more of a way to help yourself than him (per a prior post) - so good for you! I hope you liked your counselor... boy, a good versus bad counselor can make all the difference, I think!

queenofthehwy

Peaches,

I really do like him, he is great. He was a substance abuse counselor for 5 years before he started doing marriage and family. H can't fool him, he recognizes all the little things they do.

I almost feel like I don't care if he changes, he is only doing it to keep me quiet and I know it won't last. Does that seem mean, like I've given up on him? What if he really is trying to change? Oh what am I talking about, he is still drinking. That's really what needs to change, not just being kind to me occasionally. Right??????

Shel

mine says that I am being mean and going out without him in hopes that he just gets sick of it and leaves. when I posed to him that "NO maybe I am taking care of myself and doing what I want to do for my own pleasure" ....he doesn't get it..........I may pose that to him .....how are you so mean and rude to me but then get in bed and expect me to give you pleasure??? then when I say "you are not romantic at all" he throws back..."Oh and like you are" well I know when I want something I don't treat that person like crap then say ........"touch it".........man I am in a mood now....wish he would just leave!

prodigal

My AH went for about five or six sessions and basically behaved in his "blob mode" as I call it: "Duh, I did na do nuttin' wrong - me nice fella - me no get what she talkie about." The psychologist sure understood WHAT was going on and told my AH flat out: "We have discussed some issues in your relationship, but we'll have to turn to the issue of your drinking soon." He got the same "blob mode" response to that direct request to talk about drinking: "Duh, I tink I control it better now." Oh puuullleeeezzzeeee!

That was the last time my AH showed up for counseling. After that, he always had a convenient excuse: conference call at the office, tight deadline that had to be met, couldn't get away in time because boss held a last-minute meeting, blah, blah, blah. Finally, the psych suggested we focus on me alone and leave the Incredible Blob out of the entire situation.

He was willing to work with my AH on his drinking, but as soon as the spotlight was on taking responsibility for drinking and owning up to the fact that there IS a problem, the old denial/run for the hills behavior kicked in.

I attend Al-Anon meetings, read literature daily, and continue to see the shrink on my own. I'm making headway, but it's a slow uphill journey. Of course having been a RAGING codie all my life, I'm not going to beat up on myself too much!

Marriage counseling with an active addict: a bit of an oxymoron, wouldn't you agree?

Shel

OK sorry I went off.........what I guess I was saying is that I don't know that the drinking has anything to do with it sometimes......in my opinion it is true what they say about the machurity (sp) level of an alcoholic....I think mine is still 18-21 emotionally......and I cannot deal with it...and he doesn;t see it!

queenofthehwy

Shel you don't have to be sorry I feel the same way!!!

And yes I agree they are immature at least mine is anyway!!