Filling up with hate

Old 02-09-2005, 02:35 PM
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Filling up with hate

I'm jusy so angry!!! I'm angry all the time! I hate him for being an irresponsible @$$HOLE. I hate him for being so god@mn selfish. I hate him for my feeling so indentured to him. I hate that as much as I hate him, I still love him, and I hate him for that. I hate myself for being so weak and not leaving. I'm so unhappy, and now I've brought a child into this world and compounded everything. I love her so much! More than I thought was humanly possible. But look at what I have given her to deal with. A sad, pathetic excuse for a father. And a mother who has become so dependent on him, I'm terrified to leave. Here with him, I can give her the best that money can buy. I can stay at home with her and watch her grow up. If I leave, I become another one of the single mothers who never sees her kid, because she has to work three jobs just to keep a roof over her head and pay for child care. And if he wasn't a bloody, selfish idiot who can't clean himself for his own daughter, our life could be so good. So happy...so impossible...
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Old 02-09-2005, 02:44 PM
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(((((((canada1))))))

So sorry you are going thru this. I know it is difficult I hope you will try some meetings in your area.

In the mean time vent away .....
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Old 02-09-2005, 03:03 PM
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Hmm.......years and years ago, I was thinking about my greatest fear in life. My greatest fear was not the typical fear that most people have (such as fear of dying a certain way). My biggest fear was that I'd grow up and be a bitter person (like I always thought my Grandmothers were). Ironically, the older that I got, the more that I learned, the more that I saw, etc. And what I came to learn is that both of my Grandfather's were alcoholics. After marrying one myself, I have a whole new understanding of why my Grandmothers are the way they are - as well as the reasons that my aunts & uncles are the way they are.
Over the years, I slowly was becoming bitter. The past 6 years or so, that was becoming more evident to me. I was petrified. I was starting to live my greatest fear in life!!!!! But I am determined that I will NOT become a bitter old woman.

On another note - Let me tell you that I know how you feel when it comes to having a child and wanting to spend time with her, etc. However, just from another point of view, let me ask you.......what will your daughter learn from growing up in this household? How much more resentful are you going to be of your AH in 5 years if he doesn't get better? (let's not forget that alcoholism is progressive) So how are you going to feel if it gets worse? And isn't your life worth living being happy? And just what are you getting out of this relationship other than financial security?

You see, there are many things to look at when you are in your situation. But mostly, I hope you take a good look at yourself. I'd recommend you read up on anything and everything you can about alcoholism if you haven't already. If you really plan to stay with your AH - then you are going to need the tools to be able to do so and stay sane and as healthy-minded as you can be.
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Old 02-09-2005, 06:38 PM
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Thanks for letting me vent! It's just one of those many days. I go back and forth, literally, a hundred times a day. I know that now I have to do what's best for my daughter. I'm just not sure what that is yet. I understand everyone's point about her growing up with an alcoholic father. But I grew up with a single mom who I never saw because she had to work so much, and I hated it so much. I always swore I would never do that to my children. I have just started attending an Al-Anon group in my area. I am trying to get a handle on how his drinking affects me and how I react to it because obviously I have a problem in that area! Thanks!!!
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Old 02-09-2005, 07:54 PM
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Canada1 - it's okay to vent and get it all out! I think venting and getting it all out on here, actually helps to keep me from getting bitter sometimes. It's like once it's said or written, you can let go of a little bit. i've felt everyone of the emmotions you mentioned... Thank goodness I've found tools to help me understand and learn to forgive and let go. There are still days - like today ironically - where I just feel so much rage and anger that I just want to sit down and cry all day, and don't even know who I'm mad at. I have 2 children too, and some days I just look at their little faces and just think "I'm sorry, I am so so sorry for bringing you into this"... I have decided to leave my AH, and to be honest, they are the main reason. I just don't want this dysfunction to continue...I am doing the best to work on me, but if he wont do his part - there is only so much of the household peace I can control when he is here. I am in no way saying that is the best option for you - I have no idea if I'm doing the right thing or not. I just wanted to say that I hear you - loud and clear - and you are certainly not the only one who has had or who has those feelings.
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Old 02-09-2005, 08:09 PM
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Originally Posted by canada1
Thanks for letting me vent! It's just one of those many days. I go back and forth, literally, a hundred times a day. I know that now I have to do what's best for my daughter. I'm just not sure what that is yet. I understand everyone's point about her growing up with an alcoholic father. But I grew up with a single mom who I never saw because she had to work so much, and I hated it so much. I always swore I would never do that to my children. I have just started attending an Al-Anon group in my area. I am trying to get a handle on how his drinking affects me and how I react to it because obviously I have a problem in that area! Thanks!!!
You can give your daughter a great life. You are a great mother. Remember, she is young, you have your whole life with her. Do what you can now to make yourself happy. Learn how to depend on yourself / you can do this with him active in your life if you use the tools you learn in Al-Anon and if that is what you choose.

Getting a handle on it is the best thing you can do for yourself and for her.

You can vent here anytime - I do it almost daily....lol
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Old 02-10-2005, 12:55 PM
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I think most children would prefer a happy home even if it was in a poorer neighborhood with a Mom who worked.

That said. I dont think you have to leave right this minute. But I do think you should start to prepare just incase things get overwhelming.

If you go to school, youll quallify for a better job and you wont have to work three jobs. If you know you CAN make it you wont feel so trapped.
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Old 02-10-2005, 06:44 PM
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I was where you are one year ago, and I had 20,000$ debt in my name and a 18 month old baby. I was fed up with my ah. I seeked help and I made the decision to leave him. I was scared but today when I look back it was the best choice I ever made. Me too I want to stay home with my daughter, I babysit as a job which allows me to stay home, it is not much but for the first time in my life I am happy and at peace and I have serenity and this is the greatest gift of all. One day I will get a good job when I daughter is older and in school. I too could of given her more "material" things with my ah around but I always had material things growing up in an alcoholic environment and I know that I would of prefered my mother to be there for me to love, comfort when there was so much pain caused by alcoholism. so I think about that and today there is no fighting, drinking, argueing in my home. It is peaceful. I would rather be single and healthy than be married to an alcoholic and sick. I keep on my fridge this writing and I read it daily and it makes me stronger:
What addicts do:
My name is _____ and I am an addict and this is what addicts do. You cannot and will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you any better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about is my needs and how to go about fullfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say i love you I am lying through my teeth because love is impossible for someone who is in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, since I don't I cannot love you. My feelings are so pushed down and numbered by my drugs that I could be considered a sociopath. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you , cheat on you, and steal from you. My behavior will not change and cannot change until I make a decision to stop drinking and the follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decision I will continue to hurt you again and again. Stop being surprised I am an addict and this is what addicts do!

This is my situation and all I could tell you is to reach out for help and read all you can about co-dependency, alcoholism before you make a decision to stay or not. For me the more I learnt about how affected I was the stronger it made me and the more I wanted to have a peaceful life. Being a single mom is hard sometimes and although me and my ah are apart I still have todeal with him for visitation and he misses due to drinking the night before and he spends the child support money and he still tries to control things, so I am still affected this is why I need alanon and I still continue to read about alcoholism. I wish you all the luck in what ever choice you make.
 
Old 02-11-2005, 12:05 PM
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Journey... thank you for your message. I wrote out the "what addicts do" and I will read it every day. Maybe, it will help me and give me the courage to do what I know
I must do. Last night I went to my third Al- Anon meeting and as I listened to the stories, it hit me how many of them were there because of an alcoholic parent.And right there I pictured my daughter twenty, thirty years from now in an Al- Anon meeting trying to deal with her life affected by her fathers drinking and my heart just broke. I know I need to leave. But I am scared to death. How on earth did you do it? Financially? Physically? Emotionally? How did you manage to finally get out on your own?
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Old 02-11-2005, 12:44 PM
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thank you

Thank you Canada1 for your post and your honestly. I have been quietly suffering at my desk all day, just internally crying and screaming and wanting to pound my head against a wall. My AH is a binger and can usually go 4-6weeks between binges. This past month he has been gone every weekend and he went out last night too and came home at 1 in the morning, stayed up all night and didn't go to work today.

I am as CODIE as codie gets. I have been calling his cell phone all day, but it's off so there's no answer. I just picked up his messages (I keep telling him to chg his password!!) and there's a msg from a girl on there. She says "Hey baby this is Isabelle, just wondering if you're going home tonight. I'm going to work so anyway maybe I might see you" .

I can tell you what he'll say. He'll say 'I have no idea who isabelle is' probably a wrong number. His phone msg doesn't say his name, just his number, so of course I can't argue with that.

I feel sick to my stomach though. I just want to puke. I hate what he's doing to our family.
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Old 02-11-2005, 12:45 PM
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and did I mention....

.....that we just bought a house. We take possession on Feb 28th. Oh happy-happy-joy-joy.
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Old 02-11-2005, 01:37 PM
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(((canada1)))

I know where your hate comes from, my A partner is progressively getting worse, the past year there have been more agruements, she does less at home. I am the bread winner and she has shown no interest in further education and no interest in returning to work. I am frightened of the potential break up and leaving her, but for my own sanity I know it is what I must do.

I will not offer any advice, as I man I do not feel I have experience to offer you, a mom any advice. It seems to me that the other ladies on the site have lots of real life experience to pass on. But I will offer my support, I understand the hate, I understand the fear for the future but I have started to realise that if your partner will not start the road to recovery then there is no point in hanging around. It has taken me a long time to reach this point, but them men tend to be a bit slow on the take up!!. Good luck.
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Old 02-11-2005, 02:16 PM
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Originally Posted by smeep

I feel sick to my stomach though. I just want to puke. I hate what he's doing to our family.
Smeep...I understand how you feel. My AB begins his drinking every day at 2pm at the local bar(earlier on weekends). He is there until at least six oclock every night of the week. And then he comes home and drinks all night long until he falls asleep, usually with a beer in his hand. He is going to lose his family and he knows it. He knows it and is not willing to do anything to stop it.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. I know how much it sucks!!!
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Old 02-11-2005, 02:41 PM
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the devil you know

Canada1......yes it sucks for sure. I feel grateful that he doesn't drink every day, yet afraid that it will eventually come to that.

Sometimes I think I just feel comfortable with the devil I know. Being alone is unknown and makes me feel uncomfortable. A little apartment in a strange neighborhood. No car. No warm body to cuddle up with at night. How could I get the kids to hockey? On the bus with all that equipment?

He's like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde......I go from so happy with him, to so unhappy. And the unhappiness feels so tremendously horrendous right now I want to scream.

I came home from work after picking up the kids and he had showered and was all dressed. I'm not home 15 mins and he tells me he has to go out, to 'tie up loose ends' HA! Right. He'll be gone all weekend. I'll be stuck here, with his parents (who are driving me crazy lately) and no car. (unless I ask his parents to borrow theirs - which I DO NOT feel like doing). I'm so mad. I need to get out of here! I need to calm down so I don't take it all out on the kids, that is the hardest thing.

Prayers appreciated
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Old 02-11-2005, 07:43 PM
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smeep...so much of what you say sounds so much like me. as much as you are unhappy in the present situation, you are more afraid to leave and go out into the unknown. Like you said-the devil you know.I know that I have to leave for my daughter, but I am so afraid that either way I am going to F up her life. I guess you have to get to the point where you are desperate and at the end of your rope. I go through a hundred different emotions every single day. Starting with disgust when he sleeps till eleven every day while I get up with my daughter at 6:00. My birthday was last week and he asked me what I wanted. I told him all I wanted was to sleep anextra hour in the morning while he got up with our five month old daughter. Ya right. He works for his parents(who live right next door to us!) and talk about enablers! They complain to me all the time about his work ethic and yet they hand over a pay check every week. He gets to work at about noon and by three o'clock at the latest he's at the bar. And he's such a b!*ch in the morning that we can't go near him. He never sees our daughter for more than 5 minutes before work and by the time he gets home he's drunk and I rarely let him near her. An hour after he gets home, she's in bed. I get so angry at him that he has almost no contact with her, but maybe it's a blessing in disguise.He is so far in debt because of his drinking and his addiction to prescription drugs. For months he has been trying to get me to apply for pogey so he has more money to throw in the toilet. But my pride won't let me go there. I told him I applied and was denied. Anytime I get $ from my mom or from the government or anything, I have to hide it or he will expect me to hand it over to him.He's says it's for household expenses, but we have none. We are fortunate enough to live in a house his parents own. They pay the utilities. Our car payments and insurance are paid by the business. We buy groceries and pay for cable. He gets paid over 4 G's a month. If I'm lucky, I see about a hundred of that. And he wants me to hand over my money! I'm sorry.I'm going off on a huge blowout here. It's Friday night. I always get tense Friday night He is of course gone. Who knows when he will be back. But do you know what the worst part is? I'm the idiot for staying! I know he's an idiot, and I still stay!
Anyways, blow off steam here, smeep. Believe me, it helps. Even if it's just for a while!
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Old 02-12-2005, 08:23 AM
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ah yes Friday night...

Friday nights suck! At least mine do. Last night my AH said he had to go out to 'tie up loose ends'. He said he had some stuff to clear up with his dealer, then he was done for good. He said he wouldn't be late blah blah blah blah At least I didn't believe him. Of course he didn't come home. This monring I got my MIL to drive me over to get the car, so I could take my son to hockey practice. He said for me to come get him after hockey and he would come home ....right.

It's so much easier when the kids are little and don't understand. BEcause my AH is a binger, everything is hunky-dorey for usually 4-6wks, then he'll go for a day or two. Well the boys are 6 & 8 now and what am I supposed to tell them when dad doesn't come home? I used to say he was working cause he used to drive a tractor-trailer and would be gone all diff times & overnite anyway. In June he got on with an apprenticeship, and now he works mon-fri 7-3. Kids aren't stupid, they can tell when you're lying. So I told them he stayed at his friends cause he drank too much and you know you can't drive after you drank alcohol. Oh all the questions, so many questions. I did my best, but I don't know if it was the right thing to tell them. And it still doesn't really explain why he's gone for 2 days. And it sure doesn't help them to know that their dad would rather be with his friends than go to their hockey games or skiing like he promised.

I have considered leaving. But isn't it better for them to have their dad around most of the time? At least they see him during the week, he does homework with them and puts them to bed. And some weekends he's home. Mind you, it is a progressive disease and this past month he has gone out every weekend. We get our house in two weeks. Chances are, things will get worse. But it will certainly be better than living with my in-laws any longer. The mortgage on the house is cheaper than rent in this city, and I can afford it on my own. So I think I am making the right choice. If he gets worse after we move, he'll just have to leave. I don't think it matters that the house is in his name. We're married and I pay all the bills and take care of the kids, I think I'd get the house in a seperation anyway. Now I just need to get my own car.......
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