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Long Road Back

Old 02-09-2005, 08:18 AM
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Long Road Back

Hello,

This is my second day sober. I really want to stay sober this time and have been trying for quite a while (I am definitley an alcoholic). My Grandfather was an alcoholic, my father is an alcoholic and I am pretty sure that at least one of my great uncles suffered from this disease (no firm evidence there). I am 42 now and was in AA for about a year and a half in the late 80's. I even had a sponsor and got to the fourth step before going out. I am pretty much at the end of my rope. I have not lost everything yet, but am seeing it slip away slowly. The downhill road has taken years for me. I do have one token of my days in AA and that is my Big Book. I have wanted to quit drinking for about 5 years and for the last 3 years have been reading the Big Book a couple of times a week (when I have a sober day). I am pretty sure I know what is missing: meetings and contact with other alcoholics. I am down to one client in my business and am just subsisting. I have a wife and 8 year old daughter and don't want to lose them. I think what I am asking for is a few prayers for me. I need willingness at this point to go to that first meeting. I have been lurking on this board for about two weeks and am truly amazed at how caring you guys are. Thank God I found this place!
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Old 02-09-2005, 08:53 AM
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Hello, Jupiter2, and welcome!

Sound like you are ready for a change. Everything you said seems to indicate that -- that you really want to get sober and stay sober. Amen to that, my friend, and welcome.

I have found so many wonderful and welcoming people here. Plus, these forums have helped me to maintain a connection with people on day when I don't have recovery meetings. I hope you find the same here.

Keep that connection going. Go to those meetings and keep posting here.

Welcome!

Oh, and I'm ChrisMan, recovering addict.
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Old 02-09-2005, 09:25 AM
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welcome and my prayers are with u. Yes it is a hard, long road, mostly uphill, but just take it one day at a time, it will get easier. action comes before motivation, i have a post a page or so back on this, good read. remember that you only have to listen you don't have to share until you are ready. And don't be feelin guilty for going back to AA, their arms are always open.
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Old 02-09-2005, 11:49 AM
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Thank you ChrisMan for the Welcome! And thanks Wantneeda for your encouraging words about going back to AA. One of my greatest fears is that I would not be accepted in AA after going out 15 or so years ago. I seem to remember some members that did not like "retreads". I am definitely a retread. I know this is almost certainly baseless, but it is one of my fears nonetheless. I tell myself that I was pretty young and must not have been ready yet. I think a sign that I want sobriety is that I keep my Big Book next to my bed and have read it almost every sober night I have had for the past three years. Somethimes just the first three steps and sometimes whole chapters. I also got on my knees and prayed just before going to bed, which I have done in the past, but I thanked God for leading me to Soberrecovery this time. Last night I read Dr. Bob's and Bill D's stories again and thought to myself if Dr. Bob could do it after over 17 years of the vicious cycle, maybe I can too. Even if I have been hitting it heavily for the last 8 of the 15 years since going out, there might be hope for me. Another fear I have is that I might meet my ex sponsor in a meeting and I feel a lot of guilt for letting him down and fear he would be very angry. I do think I just need to listen at this stage. I have not taken a drink so far today and am trying the "one hour at a time" approach. I'll keep posting, cause that is the thing I am doing differently this time and that is something to hang onto. I'm in a lull with "work" after finishing a project for my client and am worried about the free time. I read somewhere here that it is important to keep busy. I do plan to help my daughter with her math homework tonight and that is something else that I will hang onto as a reason not to drink today. Sorry about the bit disjointed post, but organized is something I am not right now.

Thanks so much for welcoming me. It means more than I can say!
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Old 02-09-2005, 11:58 AM
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Jupiter,

i do hope you make a call to find a meeting. Sounds like you've got the first step down. I to was on the verge of losing everything. Everything has turned around in th past 5 and a half years for me. I can't believe how good it is for me today.


Try going back to AA. What have you got to lose. There's millions of us in the progarm. I figure someone must know something

stay in touch

chris
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Old 02-09-2005, 12:01 PM
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Don't be too hard on yourself! I'm sure if you did run into your ex-sponsor he would be simply very happy to see you and not angry at all. Please don't let that stop you! zi'll never forget after a relapse walking back through the doors of my Home Group and the pats on the back for having the courage to come back. I really felt accepted no matter what I'd done. Also the guilt i've felt over things from the past also kept me using, I honestly had to accept that my past is just that , the past. I cant' change it. I can only learn from it and do my best today in order to have no guilt and shame tomorrow. Best wishes, keep coming back \\// peace
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Old 02-09-2005, 12:04 PM
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Hello Jupiter,
I understand how you're feeling. When I look back on my years of drinking, I realize that my perception of everything was completely distorted. All of the people who loved me sent me signals for years, but I couldn't see through the fog. The fog just got thicker and thicker and I finally had a breakdown. In retrospect, that was the best thing that ever happened to me. I wasn't suicidal by any stretch, but emotionally I went flat-line.
I met a great AA sponsor who inspired me more than lectured me. He led by example which inspired me greatly. I hope you'll go to that AA meeting and feel inspired.
None of it will be easy, but better to get started a day at a time. You're the most important person in the world to your wife and daughter. Good luck and there are other wonderful forums at SR for you to visit which I'm sure you already know about. Best wishes and congratulations on making it so far.
Val
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Old 02-09-2005, 12:04 PM
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Sounds like ya mean it Jupiter...congrats on that.

As for what anyone would say or think, including your old sponsor, remember two things:

1. Most will welcome you back with open arms, and

2. It's none of your business what anyone thinks of you...only what you think of yourself.

Hang in there guy.

BubbaBob
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Old 02-09-2005, 12:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Jupiter2
One of my greatest fears is that I would not be accepted in AA after going out 15 or so years ago. I seem to remember some members that did not like "retreads". I am definitely a retread.
((((Jupiter2))))

You know what I love about AA? We don't shoot our wounded.

The door is always open. Welcome home.

phinny
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Old 02-09-2005, 01:38 PM
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hey Jup

Hi Jupiter
I am on day 3. I have known for sometime (many years) that I needed to stop drinking. I quit for 5 weeks last fall and then went right back to the same old program (basically drinking every day). Last night I went to my first meeting and it felt really good. My emotions are pretty raw right now, but it was nice to feel that people are in the same situation as you. The group I went to was very open and welcoming. Good luck!

P.S. I am either going tonight, or on Thursday night again.
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Old 02-09-2005, 02:49 PM
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Thanks Phinneas. That is what I needed to hear. Sure is good to hear from you jmhs002. 5 weeks sounds like heaven right now. Helps to know that there are others in the same @&#$%%% boat I'm in. Maybe if I keep the "one hour at a time" mantra going I can get 3 days. I have gotten as much as 6 or 7 days on occasion in the past couple of years, but those were on family vacations. The night we got back, I would drink each time. I think around 1992 I did manage around 9 months sober on my own, but that did not last without a program. I have located a beginner's meeting in my area for tomorrow night and plan to go. I'll pray for willingness tonight. Wish me luck.
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Old 02-09-2005, 02:53 PM
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Jupiter,
i wish you luck and you have my prayers
Warmest wishes
Evanna.
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Old 02-09-2005, 04:40 PM
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Jupitar WELCOME.It sounds like you know what has to be done.I have jest started going back to meetings again to.So like i was told get off your butt and get back to the meetings and find a sponsor.I wish you the best of luck and keep posting..
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Old 02-09-2005, 06:50 PM
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Welcome Jupiter 2. I am also an alcoholic. God, along with AA and SR has helped keep me sober, 1 day at a time. I hope you do check out the meeting. You will always be welcome at AA. The only requierment for membership is the desire to stop drinking. Glad to have you here! We need all the help we can get to stay sober.
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Old 02-09-2005, 10:22 PM
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(((Jupiter2))) for some of us sobriety is something we have to learn... and then practice. so Welcome back to Sobriety. glad to have you here. love-alice
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Old 02-10-2005, 08:44 AM
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Thanks for all the encouragement, guys! It is day three today. Did not drink last night and am sober today so far. Did help my daughter with her homework. Read the big book and prayed for willingness to go to the beginner's meeting tonight that I found in my area. Told the wife I have a 6:00pm appointment at my client site and will be gone for about an hour. Afraid to tell her that I am going to a meeting since don't want to dash her hopes if I drink again (stupid reason). Not going to think about getting honest about telling her I am going to a meeting on Friday, since I am going to concentrate on making it to today's meeting only and let tomorrow's meeting take care of itself tomorrow. I am feeling better physically than I did yesterday, but am getting the usual "day three" anxiety over damage done to my career and my underemployment situation. I've made it to day three a couple of times recently, but the little voices start about all the worries I have and I go out. Maybe not this time since I've got this board and some willingness to go to a meeting. That is different than in the past and I am going to hang onto that thought. I have been "self employed" in the computer consulting field for about eight years and actually made a good income until last year. I now make less than half of what I did then subsisting on a single client. Last year I decided to get a job and quit the independent stuff and actually did this for over two months in the summer with a pretty large consulting firm. Had to quit because this was a really stressful consulting job with forced billing of eight hours a day and mostly because I was still drinking every night after work. I did hate that job, though. Computer consulting with extremely demanding clients wtih a hangover is impossible to keep up for very long for me. Luckily I still have this one client and just did a server project for them, so I tell myself I still am keeping the skills up. I also somehow managed to pass the last exam needed to update my primary certification last month (while drinking yet). Makes me think what I could accomplish if I wasn't drinking! I do need to find a job though. I still make payroll every month, but dread the month when I will not quite make it. I know that will happen if I keep drinking. Does anyone else have this problem of every time they get sober, they start to want to repair the economic damage and it makes them go out? Gonna drag myself to that meeting tonight no matter what the fears re this (God willing, please God be willing). Thanks for being there you guys!
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Old 02-10-2005, 05:45 PM
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Hey Jupiter 2. Congrats on day 3! I just loved all the time I gained back when I stopped drinking. All those hours every evening wasted being drunk. Did you make it to the meeting? Either way don't stop trying. Because as you found out - it only gets worse out there.
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Old 02-10-2005, 06:00 PM
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hi again jupitar.I hear what your saying about not wanting to encourage everybody about your not drinking.I think a lot of us have said to family and friends over the years that tonite was our last drink and did not suceed.CONGRAT. on day 3 keep up the good work...
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Old 02-10-2005, 06:15 PM
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Jupiter,
I am on Day 2 - again. I've sobered up a few times but not for long periods. It is easier to face the world sober than hung over.

I was faced with a big "what have I done?" a few nights ago and got to spend a whole day "reading" yesterday - Melody Beattie and a few other choice books.

I've tried to control my drinking but we all know what happens after the first one.

I needed a bit more time to "recover" from the other evening but plan to look up local meetings tomorrow.

I'm glad you are here and glad that you have 3 days of new sobriety.
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Old 02-10-2005, 08:18 PM
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Hey all,

I did make it to my beginner's meeting tonight (thanks for asking Marty1). It has been about three years that I have been promising myself that If I could just get 5 days sober, I would go to my first meeting. Well I did it at 3 days thanks to encouragement from people on this board. It was a chip meeting and I went up and got a 24 hour chip. That is not something I did all those years ago when I was in AA the first time and had over a year and a half. It was a bit nerve racking since the meeting was not a speaker meeting, but a discussion meeting in which people addressed each other directly. I wasn't going to speak, but got called on and said a few words about my story and said I had three days. Most people had 30 or 60 days, but there was another there that had 5 so I was in the right place. It is hard right now for me to open up re my alcoholism face to face, so I did not stay afterward and I can't say I was comfortable during the meeting. I need to work on the staying after part next since need to make connections and try to find a sponsor. I do plan to go to that same meeting next week and now to find another one for tomorrow. The funny thing was that the worst part of the nervousness came after the meeting was over when I realized I left my coffee cup under my seat by accident. Felt bad about that since someone else has to pick it up. Odd what I worry about, eh! Will make an extra effort to clean up after myself next time.

Shadows321, thanks for the support. I can't say it is easy to go to a meeting by yourself without knowing anybody. But one or two people introduced themselves to me. Try to find a chip meeting and get that 24 hour chip since that will let everyone know you are new. Several people directed their comments to me after I did that and the feeling I got was that I had made a step in the right direction. I need some friends in the program and I know the only way that is going to happen is if I keep going. I still have all the financial worries and all the other %^&&*&(%$ going on in my head half the time and some worries about the damage I have done to my body, but I do feel accomplishment at this small step. God please give me another crack at a meeting!
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