queenofthehwy

We had our first marriage counseling session on Sat. I got home from shopping and he had been drinking all day, no surprise.

So he say's he's tired and to wake him up to go to appt. So whatever, I go wake try to wake him up one time and then went downstairs and yelled up "I'm leaving", and I hear him upstairs mocking me. I waited in the car I was going to give him 5 minutes and then leave, he gets in the car and starts you really know how to wake a person up, blah,blah,blah.

We get there and talk with the counselor together and then seperately, and the counselor even knew he was drunk.........................

But after sat. he has been very very nice, but still drinking everyday.


I feel like I am in a fog, like I am numb, I just feel wierd about everything.

thanks for listening

Mindi

Peaches04

(((((Mindi))))). This is probably bad, but my first thought is that at least you wont have to worry about your counselor understanding he is an alcoholic. My AH and I spent about the first 5 sessions debating whether or not he was an alcoholic - it was like my word agains his. He was saying he drank one or two beers a night - yeah, right.
And the good news is he's going to counseling! That's a good sign, right! At least you will have someone to help explain your view or validate your feelings. That is one thing I did get out of our joint counseling sessions - she could explain things about how I felt to him, that I didn't even know how to explain. It was just good to be validated and to know that it had been explained to him, in a way he could understand...
I'm sorry hon... I know how you feel, I'm just so sorry. Keep your chin up...

queenofthehwy

Okay I am going to be totally honest here, I hope you don't think I'm bad. I really only suggested going to marriage counseling, so I could get individual counseling. You see he would never let me go for me.

Peaches04

Listen - you gotta do what ya gotta do, I say! If that's what it took for you to be able to go, than that's what it took! If you get a good counselor - they can do wonders. I LOVED our counselor - she didn't let my AH get away with any BS...she told him more than once "you're real good at deflecting things and avoiding talking about your part". But, she helped me immensely too. I posted about this once before...she did 2 monumental things for me. 1. She told me to read Codependent No More. and 2. She gave me a 'look' one day and said "You need to work on being independent"... and I think that was her way of saying "he's not getting this, and you need to be prepared".
I may go back and see her now on my own. She wouldn't see me by myself when we were in marriage counseling. She now told me it is because she is very good at empowering people, and she could tell that I was so close to making the move to divorce, that empowering me wouldn't have been the best thing for the 'marriage'. But, she always said if he did not do his part, to come back and see her anytime. So, I may do it. If I may ask, why wouldn't he let you go for you? (You don't have to answer that, I'm just curious).

cwohio

mindi - peaches is right - at least he made the effort to go. mine has not - alone or together. i go by myself because i felt the need to!

peaches - the validation seems so necessary to us - i guess because we've lived to believe for so long that we were "imagining" something was wrong, etc.!

cwohio

you do what you have to do - my guess on peaches question is that he wanted to hear every "bad" thing" that she was saying so he could defend himself. maybe i'm off the wall but that comes to mind.

mindi - i think you are doing what you need to!

hugs - chris

queenofthehwy

He is very insecure and I think he worried that if I got my head together I would leave.

Peaches04

Yes, that makes sense..I could see that. However, I hope that's not a deterrent for you. My father was a psychologist, so I come from a very pro-counseling background, and it's hard for me to imagine why you wouldn't want someone you love to get help, if they felt like they needed it. But, I know with alcoholics, that may not appear to be such a good option for them when we decide to get help. Hang in there...and let us know how counseling goes!!

minnie

Queen

I have to agree with Peaches (as usual!) - at least the counsellor knows now. He has made sure that you don't have to waste time crossing that hurdle.

This is going to sound really harsh, but please understand that I say this with love and concern - if your husband wants to keep you in an unhealthy way of thinking, then that isn't love. If we love someone, we want them to be the best selves and we help them to do that.

If you can see a counsellor on your own, you won't regret it.

queenofthehwy

I am going to individual counseling also. I love it, it is kinda scarey though like taking the blinders off. I think that's what is making me feel so wierd. I am having to face some truths and it is d@mn hard.
One of the things I am learning is that we both may never have really loved each other. sad

Mindi

minnie

You will feel a bit odd for a while. Go easy on yourself, hon. You are finding out who you are again.

Peaches04

Mindi - I know what you mean...I really do. One thing I had to face was why I even married my husband. We had never had a fantastic relationship...it had always been that stupid off and on game. When he asked me to marry him it was only because I had finally said "enough!" and left him for good, started dating someone else, and moved on with my life, was really quite happy. Then he came back begging, professing undying love, on and on... I to this day wonder what made me agree to marry him. Don't get me wrong, I do love him - still. If he wasn't drinking and got help, I'd be madly in love with him...but, it's weird...I just don't know why I did it.

JessicaNAJ

Flashback - this sounds so much like my AH. Not the situation, but his behavior.

We have done the counseling together a couple times. He ALWAYS came out smelling like a rose. This last time though, when I started going, I went by myself. it was going really good - my blinders were coming off, then once I asked him if he wanted to go with me. He did - boy did that counselor do a 180 (AH can be so convincing). So, I found a new one and haven't invited him to go along. I'm learning alot about me I never even knew.

Do what you need to do!! In the long run, you'll be glad you did regardless of the outcome!

KATIE77

Does he actually talk in the counselling sessions?? I know this is a bizzare question but my AB (ex) and I sat with a mutual friend to discuss a way forward. He never said a word. He stared at the floor the whole time and occasionally said "I know." or "mmm" every 10 minutes. I dont know if he wasnt listening? not interested? guilty?