renee18

I have been feeling really down lately with a lot of things. My grades went down a lot and last week I got a F on three tests and i am a honor roll student. What is wrong with me? I can't focus on anything and I feel like I am stuck in the past and that I can't move on. My friends have not been doing things with me and i hate them for not including me. I talked to my counselor last week and he said that i am trying to get attention from people He is really right on that. I don't feel that people are paying attention at me at all lately. I just feel lost in a cloud. But I am pushing them away by what i say or do but on the inside I really want attention. I am so confused right now. I though I found the problem but nowI am not so sure. Thanks for letting me vent
Love,
Shana

cwohio

shana - i take two steps forward (or so i think) and then 5 steps back. you have a head start on alot of us here because you are young and doing something NOW! don't be discouraged. that's a common thing for people that have grown up in an alcoholic home to feel. we feel like we are not heard or seen and we probably aren't so we seek that elsewhere - we feel we need that validation from others when we really need it from ourselves. hang in there dear - you keep plugging away at yourself and recovery!

JessicaNAJ

I think my behavior reflects upon what I'm feeling from others around me. I have to learn to find comfort and peace within myself. Only then can my true colors show.

You are young, smart, and have a beautiful persona. Look at yourself for attention. You are what matters. If others don't like you or support what you're going through, then it's time to move on and find some new people to be around. Those who really care will always be there.

CW is right, you have a head start and knowledge is power. You'll be okay. Don't beat yourself up because you're in a funk right now. We all go through it.

splendra

((((Shana))))

This too shall pass. We all go thru changes and I am sure that is what is happening with you right now.... You have taken in a lot of info in the past year give yourself time to process it. You are a great person and I am really glad I have met you. Be gentle with yourself. K?

renee18

thanks guys that helps. I am just struggling with trying to find me and it is hard when I have no one my age around me that understands. I do have great older friends. I know i need to look at myself for the attention and other things i need but it is hard when I can't find them things inside me. I am hanging in there and thanks for the support. I know i am doing good and i know I am young and i have a lot more to learn in the process of my recovery. thanks for helping in the past months i have been here.
Love,
Shana

cwohio

((((shana)))) big hugs!

JessicaNAJ

I understand that.

One day at a time sweetie.

(((())))

cupowater

I think you are putting too much stock in what OTHER people think of you! You are depending on others to valadate your feelings. Try looking inward to yourself to find the happiness and acceptance you need first! I think you will find that if you can do that, everything else will follow! Ask your councelor about it! ((((((renee))))))))

equus

Shana,

You seem to be talking about a change in YOU, things that are out of the normal for YOU.

I had what I shamelessly think of as a completely crap childhood. I did achieve despite that, I did find my answers - namely that my childhood (thank god) was over!! But life carries on and new hard things happen, however on the whole I coped - according to friends I appeared bullet proof, strong, determined, confident, level headed, a natural born survivor.

THEN, I stopped coping, it seemed like everything got harder but in reflection it had always been hard - the difference was I no longer dealt with things in a healthy way. With this came a fixation on my own past, a grief for myself as a little girl, a sense of worthlessness, an exhaustion.

I saw myself like a scarred old dog still fighting but suddenly losing more often than winning, a battleship with too many holes so near sunk but pathetically still firing off guns. Being a fighter was a habit ingrained in me, my survival, to not give up was my salvation, only I was so tired and losing ground all the time.

Turns out I was depressed, I know I still am sometimes but I know what it is now. I wish I could tell you what my new answers are but they're still a work in progress!! One thing I changed was admitting to myself and anyone else if I'm just not dealing with stuff. Amongst friends I'm not seen as indestructable anymore and I can ask for help now.

At work it's not so good - I don't know them well enough to trust them with information on things I deal with now and I haven't really figured that one out yet, but I'm working on it!!

In the middle of feeling so bad (just over a year ago now) I would never have believed I'd be glad it happened but I am. I've learned so much from it and there's so much more I can still learn, if I hadn't been through a six month taster of it I'd never be able to imagine what it's like for people who have to deal with it for years!! What I know now is that when I'm fully out the other side I'll be better equipped than when I went in.

I may have this all wrong, it's only based on what I felt and you writing that so much seems to be different for you.

My heart felt advice would be to read your first post to your doctor and see what they say.

renee18

Equus
[QUOTE]Being a fighter was a habit ingrained in me, my survival, to not give up was my salvation, only I was so tired and losing ground all the time. Iam so glad you worte that sentence. That is what I am feeling right now. I have fought for so long and I am tried I just want to be a normal teenager I know there is no such thing but I am just don't want to handle all the changes right now in my life and going to my Al-Anon meetings are good but not when I make myself sick everytime when I chair a meeting and when I do not feel that it will help me anymore because I just stopped working on me and went back to the woe is me and that my life sucks crap. Thanks for the post equus that line makes a lot of sense to me. Thanks to all others that posted. I sometimes feel that if i don't get accpeptance from others than I am no good.
Love,
Shana off to chair my meetings tonight topic is gratitude

GettingFree

Equus,
I resonated so much with what you wrote. Thank you -- it feels good to see a mirror.

I, too, have been a determined fighter and survivor; relentless, tenacious, strong. And as you've described, that's how everyone has seen me. I'm well respected in my field, hold a leadership position, and I remember one time at work a couple of years ago, one of the younger women there overheard me talking about something that referred to weakness and she said, "You? Really? But you're so strong!!"

I have fought so much for what I've achieved, and in the course of it all, I tried to be superwoman. Superworker. Super mom. Till it all exploded in my face, and I began getting panic attacks in the middle of the supermarket aisle, being unable to choose a a bloody brand of laundry detergent.

I've seen the price I've paid to my soul and spirit. And I saw what a co-dependent mess I've been, and how weary I was, and all I wanted was to give up.

Like you, I've been learning to ask for help. Learning to place limits. Learning to set healthy boundaries.

thanks for sharing,
gf

GettingFree

Hi Shana, I had a reaction to hearing your counselor's repsonse saying that you were trying to get attention. Perhaps I am misreading this in print, but it seems like an invalidation of your feelings.

I don't believe people do things 'just to get attention.' People do things because they have certain feelings. When people comment that someone's doing something 'just to get attention', it often means they think the person is using inappropriate means to get attention. A lot of us didn't learn how to ask directly when we need support. Or help. Or a hug. Or love. So we find other ways, indirect ways, to try and get our needs filled. Often they backfire, and can harm us, leaving us feeling even worse, and sometimes resentful and in victim mode.

You've having feelings now like those described in the quote above. Your feelings are valid. It makes sense that you feel this way. You want a chance to be cared for and loved and to stop fighting. And that makes perfect sense.

Validate yourself. Love yourself. Let yourself off the hook for feeling this way. Seek support from friends who can be there for you if you can in direct ways. Sometimes we just need to be able to say, "I feel used up. Spent. I need a break."

Look for ways to get the support you need, both from inside and out.

best,
gf

equus

Shana - don't worry to much for being normal, most things of value are valuable because they're rare.

I honestly think ****** childhoods can make some lovely people, on a good day I even include myself in that!! :p

renee18

Gettingfree my counselor did not hurt me by saying that because it is true. All I want is for someone to really listen to me that is from my friends from my school yes i have friends that listen but do not include me in things because i am down a lot of the time. I don't know how to tell the people I am having problems with what is going on because they would not understand. But i have been talking to people that do care and it is true what people are saying and it is hard to take but it is true. Yes I what to be cared about and loved but I am looking to the worng people for that and that is Ia m looking to my parents but they can not give me that. I think I just need to stop and say I can't do this anymore and that I have to have me time and I need to drop one of my two jobs but i need the money so that is out but there are other things that i can get rid of. What I need a break from is me and my mind it is negative and has always been. I just wish my mind would stop thinking for a min and just be able for me to go through one day all good and happy and love me for me and be a leader and not be afraid to stand up for myself and to know i am a good person. Thanks for all the advice.
Love,
Shana

GettingFree

Shana,

I really understand your sadness. It's so very hard to accept that our parents can't give us the kind of love or support that we crave. There's a lot of grief in acknowledging this and that we have to find other ways to get our needs met. It doesn't seem fair. It's not fair. But it is what it is.

The good news is that our parents our only one part of our lives. You are growing, you are searching. You're asking questions that some of your age never ask. You're looking for answers. I read some of your other posts and see that you're soon to start college. And more doors will open. To build a network separate from your family, knowing you are valuable and lovable.

Wow Shana, I can sure relate to this. Sometimes I feel like my mind is my worst enemy. It seems the thoughts reverberate out of control, and it's hard to get a break from them.

I've learned that that process is based in fear. It means I'm looking to the future, and afraid of what will happen. The distance between now and then. I'm furiously trying to problem-solve in my head, or I'm reviewing things again and again, but I also know good solutions don't often come in that obsessive state. Neither does relief.

So I try to slow myself down. Try to be in the moment. Remind myself it's just today. I am okay now. I am alright. I try to breathe, deeply.

Have you ever tried relaxation exercises or meditation? There are some good CDs out there for guided meditation that may give be helpful when the thoughts seem to be gaining control.

best,
gf

renee18

Gettingfree I am scared to death about college and leaving my great support group I have been letting it get in my way lately. I am trying to keep my head up and talk to my counselor he is a great guy. I am trying to stay into today and look at what i got know and look at how far I have come in a year of been in Al-Anon. I never thought I would chiar a meeting but i have done it and i ma doing it now. Fear did not stop me then so I need to not let it stop me from doing things now. Thanks for your post. I hope you have agreat day tomorrow.
Love,
Shana