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Here I am again

Old 02-05-2005, 10:39 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
You're never alone!!
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Wisconsin
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Unhappy Here I am again

Hi, here I go again. I love this place first of all. I read here all the time, you all give so many such inspiration!! Even when people do not log in or register, there are so many that read and are so encouraged by all of you. I just want to say thanks before I begin. I have used these boards in the past to help stay clean, now I will be once again using these boards to help myself while I detox. and beyond.
I have will begin detox at home on Tuesday. My birthday is Monday, and I have alot to do, I know what detox is about when you do it at home, and I need to prepare the house and the kids, this is why I am waiting until Tuesday.
First, I am sooo afraid. I have been inpatient for detox about oh, 5 times in the last 3 years, and a couple of outpatient programs, so you see, I have screwed up many times. I am very fortunate that, although I can not go back to the hospital, and I can not use the out patient program again, I have screwed up my chances with all those resources, they are all quite sick of me, probably as sick of me as I am. But my husband says he wants nothing more in this world than for me to get clean, so thank god for him and one other absolutely wonderful friend from my second treatment stay that are still here, willing to help me as best as they can. Oh god am I grateful for them, because I DO not deserve them. I can not say I would stand by my side if I were either of them, but I am grateful they are there for me.
I really want this. I can not live this way any longer and I have to make it this time, one day at a time I know, but I can not go back again, because I would rather die than live this way, or let myself down again. But I am so afraid of the detox, not so much the physical pain, although I am ceratinly not looking forward to it, but the panic attacks, and severe anxiety and the horrible mental state of detox. I end up thinking I am having a heart attack, and it is so hard to be rational in my thoughts during detox. Oh I forgot to say I am addicted to any type of pain medication I can get my hands on.
I am in such a bad state now, I am to the point of just existing. Thats all I do, I stare at the computer all day long, I have gained about 60 or more pounds and am very physically sick. I can not really even say I am in a relapse, since the longest I have been clean during these past few years of being in and out of the hospital has been 2 months. I want to fight for my life this time though.
I need all of you, and I willl be here alot from now on, and I am going to say thanks to all of you ahead of time for the help you are always there to give. I may become very irrarional in my thinking, although I am irrational now, but I know come Tuesday, I will think I am dying, and I will beg for support from all of you and also insiration to go on through the detox process.
Although I believe addiction to be a horrible illness, I also believe for some reason people that are in recovery are some of the best people god has made. God bless you all and thanks for letting me get some of this out. Becky
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Old 02-05-2005, 10:57 PM
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You're never alone!!
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I just wanted to add that I have been addicted to pain meds since 2001. Can not go back to rehab, my health ins. company will not let me, they say it can be done at home. I can not go back to day treatment or my drug and alcohol counselor, I owe them so much money they sent me to a collecction agency. The nearest place to recieve suboxone is 2 hours away. Just wanted to add those details. Thanks, becky
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Old 02-05-2005, 11:37 PM
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hi angelgirl - i will have you in my prayers -
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Old 02-05-2005, 11:50 PM
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You're never alone!!
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Oh thank you so much!! I will need all I can get, and anyone else out there, please add me to your prayer list, I greatly apprecciate it. Becky
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