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Relapse after 10 years Clean - Help!!

Old 02-05-2005, 01:08 PM
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Unhappy Relapse after 10 years Clean - Help!!

Am 60 days clean having had a two year relapse after ten years in recovery. A painful painful place! Had to go back to rehab cos I just couldnt stop on my own. Same as last time all those years ago! My life was just hurting too much and I couldnt process it even in meetings and couldnt see resolution. Knew I couldnt use socially or control my using but after one and a half years of living in that head space I found myself with two options, use or say bye bye.

Using was worse than I ever remembered and I picked up exactly where I left off and then some. Thank God that some fellowship friends virtually forced me to face my demons and get some help. In rehab I was treated for trauma issues and I finally could understand what was going on. I was unable to grieve my losses due to early trauma and so was in constant pain. Learning about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) has saved my life (again!). A very subtle, tricky condition but recognising that I had it gave me the courage to give it another go because I for the first time in ages I felt the one thing that I valued the most but had lost sight of, hope. My recovery meant nothing without hope and i am so grateful I found it again.

The problem I have and hence this post is that being back is so much harder than i thought it would be. Whilst not a newcomer I am in early recovery and have all the mood swings and cravings and obsessions that go with that but this time there is no pink cloud of recovery! The consequences of my relapse are fairly huge such as debt etc but those I can handle as i have done before. What I find so hard is the loneliness. My fellowship friends are all 10+ years and are not in the same place and also I am not in the same place as first time newcomers and I cant find anyone locally who has come back to recovery after substantial prior cleantime. I'm not special and different, I know that and in a way it has been good to be reminded of the basics and that I am still an addict through and through. But would love some help if there is anyone out there with similar story. Thanks everybody and it is good to be back. Using is such a bad option!!
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Old 02-05-2005, 01:14 PM
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Welcome Hawk. Congratulations on 60 days clean. And I have to disagree with something that you said. You are special. Keep posting here. It really helps.
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Old 02-05-2005, 01:19 PM
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Hi Hawk,
So glad you're here. Sorry to hear about the relapse. It's hard to be perfect all the time. Give yourself a break. We're still only human. Hope you find your lonliness subsides when you share with others. You can hop on the newbie bus if you want. Otherwise, there's lots of places to post on all of the forums. Glad you joined.
Val
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Old 02-05-2005, 02:03 PM
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Thanks for that! Will look at the newby bus. Here we go!!!
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Old 02-05-2005, 02:05 PM
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Good for you! Our group needs some advice on your ferris wheel. I won't be back on because I've got an evening full of stuff to do. I'm hopeful you'll find some contacts here to get you through this evening. Just don't drink. Don't even think about it. Erase it from your memory. Best wishes.
Val
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Old 02-05-2005, 03:37 PM
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I hear what your saying.I was sober for 9 and a half years.I did it when i was fairly young.One day all of a sudden i got this urge that something was missing and shortly after that my wife left for another man.I went for consol, but at the time i did,nt want to hear what they were saying they said and a lot of people said i was going threw a dry drunk.Like you its taken me 10 years to sudenly want to sober up again.Like you said its dam hard and lonely alot of times.I,m on my 36th day again i wish you the best of luck and if you come up with any advice on the lonely part i,m all ears thanks.
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Old 02-05-2005, 04:45 PM
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Cool Dave! Glad you replied! We are not alone and thats all it takes sometimes. Makes me feel a whole lot better that somewhere out there somebody else knows what I am going through. Sorry to hear about your loss and boy, can I identify. Hang in there as the second 30 days were a bit better than the first 30! I guess the fact that we share this experience makes it less lonely!! Apart from that I know nothing anymore but maybe thats a good place to start. Good luck to you too my friend and a big thank you
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Old 02-06-2005, 08:38 AM
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I truly needed to read these posts today.
Sometimes it is overwhelming for me to imagine that this demon of alcohol preys on our spiritual condition.... when we are not spiritually fit, it sneaks in the back door and waits for the right opportunity...
And that is when I have to do it one day at atime.
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Old 02-07-2005, 12:42 PM
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Hey Hawk, Your not alone buddy!!! I was sober for almost 11 years and then drunk for six years. Before I was sober the first time I lost my home, wife and family, was left with nothing but the alcohol. Got sober, new house, new wife, new family and then started drinking again....how stupid is that??? AFTER 11 YEARS.....so you see my friend your not alone.
My last drunk day was 12/04/05 so I am just barely over 60 days. Hang in there with me buddy and go the distance.......don't dwell on the relapse, dwell on the sobriety you have now. It doesn't matter that you have friends that have been sober longer, what matters is you are sober TODAY.
This is posted under my dear wifes logo because I am to lazy to do my own so I thank you harleygirl92156 for letting me use your space once again.
God Bless you and protect you through these rough days. Think positive and give the negative to God.
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Old 02-07-2005, 02:26 PM
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I myself had 10 years before going back out. I made it back last year for six months. Then I went back out. It is tough but we can do it. We know what we have to do. I am still continuing to slip...few days sober, then drinking and using, then sober...a vicious cycle.

For some reason it is hard to get back when you have a lengthy period of sobriety and then slip. I don't get it.

Meetings and SR are the only way. I truly feel and empathize with you. Hang in there. You are doing better than I am.

Love,
Laci
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Old 02-07-2005, 02:36 PM
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Welcome Hawk and thanks for the confirmation it just isn't worth it when we start romanticising those "what ifs".

Laci, I'm so glad your back too! I'm still waiting for that call sis!
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Old 02-07-2005, 02:56 PM
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Having ten years myself, this is the kind of stuff I need to read...thank you for sharing.
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Old 02-07-2005, 04:17 PM
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Hey Chy....I do need to call you. E me your phone number. I'll call you this weekend.

Love to all DQ's...DQ's rule!

Love,
Laci
(I'm getting close...still trying...won't give up...no way)
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Old 02-07-2005, 04:18 PM
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Hey Goldengutters,

You give me inspiration.

Love,
Laci
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Old 02-09-2005, 11:54 AM
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(((HAWK))) just start adding new sober days to the ones you already have. i have walked in your shoes and now have a year and three months to add to my many years of sobriety from before i relapsed. sending you light and love on your journey-alice
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Old 02-09-2005, 01:30 PM
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Welome back Hawk

I relapes after 11years , got drunk for 2 weeks, I have over 4 months.
A lot of crisis and abandantment issues keeps pop'in up and also
brought up stuff from the past or childhood to the surface

Can relate to meetings being all differnent and filled with Newcomers
2 years of clean time is the most people have in my area
in one of the fellowship. I found old timers as time went on.
Went to a speaker meeting last week , told me of similar life experince.

I've been working my steps and program vigerestly and doing
service work or helping newcomers.
I had some violent imagaes and dreams lastnight.
I saw images of a very violent moment of my life as I drove to
work this morning. Like it just happened yesterday.
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Old 02-09-2005, 04:42 PM
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God, I need to see this stuff. When I think back to year six thru eight, when I'd gotten so sick of going to meetings, and how arrogant, smug, and judgmental I'd become it's amazing I stayed sober. I used to love spewing," it's the quality of sobriety and not the quantity that counts", as if I'd spent a day in anyone elses shoes and knew what they were going thru, or had the slightist concept what quality was sitting on my oh so superior throne. Don't be too quick to judge, 'cause life happens...and some people get lifed on more than others.
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Old 02-17-2005, 01:51 PM
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It would appear that I am not alone, having just returned after blowing long-term sobriety. It is hard to find a place to fit in. It is, in fact, humiliating. I pray that I will not let my ego keep me from regaining the peace I knew once through working the steps. If I do not, I am screwed.

I do remember a guy from my old home group who had over 10 years, went back out, and came back. When I last saw him he was doing fine, with a couple of "new" years. He only carried one chip: the 24 hour desire chip. Perhaps I will do the same.
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Old 02-17-2005, 08:32 PM
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Hey I wanted to share that my husband was an alcholic since he was early teenager and through the 17 years we were married. I had two stepchildren I raised and then I left, he had become they said a "dry drunk" and was so hard to live with. I knew how to live with him drinking....... we did not have a good relatiohship..but I did love him so much. When I left in July 1999, asking for me and him to start over. He was more violent to me and I was the only one left at home. So I left. He started drinking and passed away the dr. said to alcholoism. His blood count was really high. I still feel so bad about it all. If I though staying would have helped him not drink I would have stayed for sure!!!!!!! I was so miserable though. I am an addict now and can understand more of what he went through. After he passed away I did anything to escape my feelings of guilt. Then found escapes for any bad thing that arose in my life. Just wanted to share this. I geuss what I am saying we have to stay sober for us and do it for us for this to work. I wish I could have helped him more(my husband) i am 13 years younger than he was and boy did I have a lot to learn! Good Luck and we are all in this together and its nice to know you all are a click away!!!!!!!!
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Old 02-18-2005, 05:47 AM
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Man, I needed to hear these things today. Thank you all for sharing.

--anne
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