What the last month has been like for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Lancaster
Posts: 120
What the last month has been like for me.
I know i have been posting a lot in the last few days and I apologize if anyone is getting sick of hearing me. If you are then just don't read my post. THis is actually good therapy for me and if someone else gets something out of it to then great.
Anyway, it has been a little over a month now since by AB and I broke up. The month started out terribly, we broke up on New Years Day. HE waited until I went to bed and then he snuck out to go to the bar with his friends - he stayed out all night and never bother to call and let me know he was okay or that he wasn't coming home. This of course was nothing that unusual for us - he had a pattern of this type of behavior - he thinks this is normal for men in their late 30's. So after I confronted him about his drug use which he denied until Iwas able to prove it to him that I know he did it in my house no less he finally admitted it. I told him I want to talk about this - he refused. He never wanted to talk about things - his opinion is "I am a grown man I don't answer to anyone". I agree in some respects but I also think when you are in a relationship with someone you owe them the respect of talking, caring, etc. So I told him we can either talk about this or he can get some boxes out of the garage and I will help him pack his stuff and take him home. He chose to leave. I tried to talk to him on the way hone to no avail. He still loves me very much but he doesn't owe me anything (his opinion). SO i took him home and we didn't talk for a week. I did call him and we had a nice conversation - he said he is better off alone but we decided to try and be friends. I won't bore you with all the details but that just didn't work. I think (just my theory) that his life is so out of control right now that he is taking all of that anger and frustration out on me because I am the only one he can dump on. Because I always took it from him. Well I am done with that now. Yes I do miss him, yes I do care about him and I hope he gets help. But I know I don't need him in my life and I realize my life is much better without him.
So here are a few things about this month -
I got my first cable bill since he's been gone - it's $20 less than normal because there are no porn charges.
I got my first phone bill - no charges to numbers I don't recognize made at times of the day that I am at work.
I got $100 out of the ATM - that used to last me about a week - I got that out the first week of January and I only had to go to the ATM again on Tuesday of this week.
I don't have to stop for a case of beer every Friday after work. Nor do I have to run to the pizza shop to get a couple of 6 packs every Sunday.
I haven't had to spend $5 on a pack of cigaretts in over a month.
I don't have to go in to his business on Thursday and Friday (days I don't work) and drop off his lunch - just because I want to make sure he is eating right.
I don't have to clean up the meal I've made for him and put it in the frig because when he gets home from work he is too stressed out to eat.
I don't have to get up 5 minutes early eveyday to clean up the empty beer bottles or soda cans he left on my coffee table.
I don't have to empty his filthy ashtray everyday and open my windows in the middle of winter to get rid of the smokey smell.
I have about half as much laundry each week.
I don't have to sit and listen to how awful is work is - how everybody takes advantage of him, how his employees are ruining the business (but he won't stand up for himself and do anything about it). How the stress is killing him.
I don't dread Sunday - I used to because on Sunday you get up and start drinking right away and don't stop until you pass out.
I don't dread Sunday because when he was here and he said he was going out for something I would have a knot in my stomach wondering if he's coming back or if he's going to the local bar to drink all day.
I can allow my son to play with his toys in the living room again. I couldn't before because my ex slept in there and my son would make to much noise and then the ex would bit**.
I can relax, I can enjoy my peace, I can enjoy my son. I don't need to keep checking the bathroom for signs that someone was doing cocaine in there.
I don't have someone waking me up in the middle of the night because they can't sleep and they are in my bathroom probably doing drugs.
I know this is long - and if no one reads it that's okay it makes me feel better to get it off my chest.
Anyway, it has been a little over a month now since by AB and I broke up. The month started out terribly, we broke up on New Years Day. HE waited until I went to bed and then he snuck out to go to the bar with his friends - he stayed out all night and never bother to call and let me know he was okay or that he wasn't coming home. This of course was nothing that unusual for us - he had a pattern of this type of behavior - he thinks this is normal for men in their late 30's. So after I confronted him about his drug use which he denied until Iwas able to prove it to him that I know he did it in my house no less he finally admitted it. I told him I want to talk about this - he refused. He never wanted to talk about things - his opinion is "I am a grown man I don't answer to anyone". I agree in some respects but I also think when you are in a relationship with someone you owe them the respect of talking, caring, etc. So I told him we can either talk about this or he can get some boxes out of the garage and I will help him pack his stuff and take him home. He chose to leave. I tried to talk to him on the way hone to no avail. He still loves me very much but he doesn't owe me anything (his opinion). SO i took him home and we didn't talk for a week. I did call him and we had a nice conversation - he said he is better off alone but we decided to try and be friends. I won't bore you with all the details but that just didn't work. I think (just my theory) that his life is so out of control right now that he is taking all of that anger and frustration out on me because I am the only one he can dump on. Because I always took it from him. Well I am done with that now. Yes I do miss him, yes I do care about him and I hope he gets help. But I know I don't need him in my life and I realize my life is much better without him.
So here are a few things about this month -
I got my first cable bill since he's been gone - it's $20 less than normal because there are no porn charges.
I got my first phone bill - no charges to numbers I don't recognize made at times of the day that I am at work.
I got $100 out of the ATM - that used to last me about a week - I got that out the first week of January and I only had to go to the ATM again on Tuesday of this week.
I don't have to stop for a case of beer every Friday after work. Nor do I have to run to the pizza shop to get a couple of 6 packs every Sunday.
I haven't had to spend $5 on a pack of cigaretts in over a month.
I don't have to go in to his business on Thursday and Friday (days I don't work) and drop off his lunch - just because I want to make sure he is eating right.
I don't have to clean up the meal I've made for him and put it in the frig because when he gets home from work he is too stressed out to eat.
I don't have to get up 5 minutes early eveyday to clean up the empty beer bottles or soda cans he left on my coffee table.
I don't have to empty his filthy ashtray everyday and open my windows in the middle of winter to get rid of the smokey smell.
I have about half as much laundry each week.
I don't have to sit and listen to how awful is work is - how everybody takes advantage of him, how his employees are ruining the business (but he won't stand up for himself and do anything about it). How the stress is killing him.
I don't dread Sunday - I used to because on Sunday you get up and start drinking right away and don't stop until you pass out.
I don't dread Sunday because when he was here and he said he was going out for something I would have a knot in my stomach wondering if he's coming back or if he's going to the local bar to drink all day.
I can allow my son to play with his toys in the living room again. I couldn't before because my ex slept in there and my son would make to much noise and then the ex would bit**.
I can relax, I can enjoy my peace, I can enjoy my son. I don't need to keep checking the bathroom for signs that someone was doing cocaine in there.
I don't have someone waking me up in the middle of the night because they can't sleep and they are in my bathroom probably doing drugs.
I know this is long - and if no one reads it that's okay it makes me feel better to get it off my chest.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Great!! Counting blessings is never a waste of anyone's time.
When I think of all the things we do, the money, the time, the lost sleep and worry I have to wonder why we do it as long as we do!
Hugs,
JT
When I think of all the things we do, the money, the time, the lost sleep and worry I have to wonder why we do it as long as we do!
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: NOT in love thank goodness
Posts: 115
benefits....again...I am sure this IS therapy for you. Looking at that list...makes you wonder WHY did I ever want to be with this man. DOesn't it??
My list would be IDENTICAL to yours (minus the cocaine). Identical.
My list would be IDENTICAL to yours (minus the cocaine). Identical.
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
I read your list and reminds me of how - too much - we all do for them. My abf, Maybe once every few months now... takes out the trash to the dumpster. That is sooo hard, that I do it every time the waste can gets filled. I know it can be scary at times, but I prefer, now to be by myself.
watching the clouds roll away
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: bliss
Posts: 87
Benefits,
It sounds wonderful, I'm so happy for you! And don't worry about posting too much..I've been posting a lot too and sometimes feel a little guilty about it, but I don't think one person on these boards would ever take away from us our chance to recover and these boards really help in recovery. Also, there are a lot of people reading this that don't post (I used to do that) and I know that everything we write touches someone and maybe helps them along too. Good luck and enjoy everything your new life has to offer.
It sounds wonderful, I'm so happy for you! And don't worry about posting too much..I've been posting a lot too and sometimes feel a little guilty about it, but I don't think one person on these boards would ever take away from us our chance to recover and these boards really help in recovery. Also, there are a lot of people reading this that don't post (I used to do that) and I know that everything we write touches someone and maybe helps them along too. Good luck and enjoy everything your new life has to offer.
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
Benefits,
What a truly positive post. It made me think of the things that I don't have to do anymore. Not because they exist or need to be done, but rather because I realize I don't NEED to take care of anyone but myself. The bonus comes from having someone health around who doesn't create an environment like I used to experience. But I do have family that are still active Alcoholics, and I know that I don't have to do anything for them that they won't do for themselves.
Peace to you today. Enjoy all the blessings that you have listed and I hope you realize a whole armful more as time goes by.
Petunia
What a truly positive post. It made me think of the things that I don't have to do anymore. Not because they exist or need to be done, but rather because I realize I don't NEED to take care of anyone but myself. The bonus comes from having someone health around who doesn't create an environment like I used to experience. But I do have family that are still active Alcoholics, and I know that I don't have to do anything for them that they won't do for themselves.
Peace to you today. Enjoy all the blessings that you have listed and I hope you realize a whole armful more as time goes by.
Petunia
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
Originally Posted by benefits
I can relax, I can enjoy my peace, I can enjoy my son. I don't need to keep checking the bathroom for signs that someone was doing cocaine in there.
I don't have someone waking me up in the middle of the night because they can't sleep...
I don't have someone waking me up in the middle of the night because they can't sleep...
I can make a list of blessings just like you did and it is so wonderful. Yes, I counted my blessings when AH was living here, but, the list was much shorter. That was my own problem, but I made a change to make that list longer!!!! hip hip hooray!
Peace to you today. Thanks for the post!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: north carolina
Posts: 365
im probably not one to say anything since i been on the break-up/go-back roller coaster for too long........but---copy and print that part "a few things about this last month" and plaster it on your fridge!!! cuz you will no doubt, have your moments of lonliness and forgetful forgiving (hey, i just made up a name for it!!!!)( thats my problem, in lots of types of relationships that i try to end, time goes by and i kinda forget...so i forgive.....ok, maybe not exactly forgive, but go back for more.
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