Rock Bottom....

Old 02-04-2005, 01:05 PM
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Rock Bottom....

Not for him though, for me. It's been a really tough couple of days. Abf still doesn't have a job and he went and took out over $300 over the weekend. We don't have $300, we're barely scraping by which shouldn't be. We should have been perfectly fine this last month at least but thanks to his major spending we aren't. I'm 7 weeks pregnant and Wednesday I started bleeding.... I know it happens to some people but it turns out it gives me a 50% chance of miscarrying. I was obviously beside myself about that and combined with his continued drinking, money spending, fighting, joblessness (which he isn't trying vary hard to fix) and everything else lately I lost it. I started crying and couldn't stop... I genuinely wanted to die. I didn't want to wake up the next day. I took a couple of days off work and last night I decided to stay at my parents to destress a little. It helped a bit but I'm still very upset. The doctor said I just have to wait and see if the baby lives and I'm having a hard time with the waiting. Today I come home, after he'd been asking to use my car to look for a job today, (I said no thank goodness). I come in the door and within seconds I realize he's drunk. He wanted to use my car again drinking, he can't look for a job and he knows how close I was to a complete breakdown. Actually I think I had it but luckily didn't do anything stupid. That was it, I kicked him out. I kicked him out and he's not coming back till he proves he's getting help. I'm tired of him sitting around here doing nothing. It's not that I don't love him anymore but I know I can't handle this right now. With the possibility of misscarriage he's the last on my priority list right now. I even phoned the police when he wouldn't leave to ask them how I could get him out. I'm lucky, he's on probation so they would have arrested him if he wouldn't have left.

I'm going to miss him and I'm not happy things turned out this way... I am glad though that I finally made a decision that benefits myself and my health as opposed to his for once.
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Old 02-04-2005, 01:09 PM
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Oh, Aquiana.

I'm sorry to hear this. You need all the support you can get at the moment. Don't worry, we're here for you and your baby.

Take care

Love

Minnie
xxx
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Old 02-04-2005, 01:10 PM
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(((Aquiana)))
I'm sorry life is the pits for you right now.
You are right to take care of yourself and your health!!!!
You are a good person, try to be kind to yourself.... you certainly deserve it.
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Old 02-04-2005, 01:13 PM
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I'm so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers!
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Old 02-04-2005, 01:15 PM
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Aquiana hang on in there. You have to begin to think about yourself and the baby. Take some time to spend doing something real relaxing for you both - nice bubble bath, read etc. Things will work out for you im sure... you have to stay strong. (((BIG HUGS))) Keep posting, as Minnie said we are all here for you. You are in my prayers.
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Old 02-04-2005, 01:20 PM
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All I can do is pray for you and your unborn child

I can't think of another situation at the moment where "Let Go and Let God" is more appropriate. You have to put this in your HP's hands. I hope the baby makes it. Children - the true innocent victims of this world. It breaks my heart when things like this happen. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally.

You are obviously a strong woman because in the midst of all of your own problems you were able to kick him out. That takes guts.

Keep posting to let us know how your situation is working out.
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Old 02-04-2005, 01:24 PM
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Aquiana,

Now is the time for you to worry about you. You hit bottom. So what. If anyone deserved a short mental breakdown it is you. I know, as most here do what it is to love an alcoholic. It is not easy under the best circumstances. THEN throw in unemployment, financial worries and a baby on the way, man did you deserve a breakdown.

Now that you had it, take a deep breath and realize that you should be your only concern. I understand it is not easy but you did the right thing. If you have family and friends lean on them a bit. You will get through this. good luck....
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Old 02-04-2005, 01:24 PM
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I am so sorry you have to go through all this..........but the health of you and that baby is number one right now..............I am thinking of you and in are in my prayers.
 
Old 02-04-2005, 02:19 PM
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My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your baby as well. Rest and relax.
Blessings,
MysticCat
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Old 02-04-2005, 02:27 PM
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((Aquiana)) I am sorry things are so tough right now. Take carer of yourself.

God Bless
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Old 02-04-2005, 02:32 PM
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Thanks everyone for all the words of support! I need all of it I can get. I do have a very loving and supporting circle of family and friends so I'm sure I can get through. It is going to be really hard, I'm not all that financially stable by myself and I'm a little ashamed to let people know eventually that my engagement is off at least for the time being and possibly permanantly. Thing is though, as painful as it all is to let him go, it's been painful already to have him around. I do care about him but I realise that letting him stay here, I'm only enabling him to keep drinking. I'm working to cover the bills, while he continues to drink. It's been a cycle he screws up, comes home and he uses me to make it better. He's got to pick up the pieces himself this time. He'll be back. I don't know if he realises I mean it 100% yet. He didn't take anything. No spare clothes or a jacket or anything. In other words he thinks he's coming back. I'm only letting him come back for his things. I'm serious about him having to prove a change before he moves back in. I took away all his keys so he can't come when I'm not here. I don't trust him.

I'm really, really, really, hoping the baby is ok. It's really scary since the odds aren't great. The doctor was less than positive. He just said that if I do miscarry it was for the best. He said it just means that there was something wrong with it and it's natures way of letting it go. I don't know if that really makes me feel any better but at least he said it wasn't my fault. I was worried I was too stressed out but he said there was nothing I could have done. There's nothing that can be done other than alot of hoping. I'm hoping it's a strong little guy. I really do hate waiting. I've been all over the internet reading about it. I really shouldn't do that since there's a lot of conflicting info that I think is confusing me more. I know all I can do is relax and let nature take it's course. It's really great to know everybody is there for support. I'll let you all know what happens. Hopefully something good!
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Old 02-04-2005, 02:57 PM
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Aquiana, you must look after yourself, I know I ended up in hospital with stress last year with everything else in my life I couldn't cope with A partner. Focus on you and your baby, you have a tough enough job comming up this year. You need someone who should be supporting you, Do take care I will pray for you. Dotty
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Old 02-04-2005, 03:00 PM
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((((((Aquiana)))))))

Meditating and yoga are good ways to relax and stay calm. I'm sorry the doctor wasn't more positive but we will pray that the baby is ok! Bleeding during the first trimester is VERY common, so try not to focus on those odds. Men doctors can be so unsympathetic!

Let us know how things go!

Hugs,
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Old 02-04-2005, 04:17 PM
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Well I had a female dr during my miscarraige and she wasn't too sympathetic as well. I was told there was nothing they could do and that I should just go home and relax. Yea, try relaxing when you are trying to will your body to stop cramping and bleeding and save your baby. ((((Aquiana))))) I know the feeling. I felt incredibly guilty because I had gone to an auction the day before and stood on my feet for like 12 hours. I thought it was my fault. But really it wasn't. It is just nature's way. Doesn't make it any less painful or sad.

But on the other hand, I had a freind who bled during her entire pregnancy and she had a big healthy baby!! So spotting doesn't necessarily mean anthing. My miscarriage progressed pretty fast. Spotting one minute and then full blown...well you get the idea. Just understand it was nothing you did and you have no control over nature.

I think you are strong and a wonderful woman for asking him to leave. I asked my ASO to leave and he walked out with nothing as well. It took 5 months to get all his things out of my house. And it was 5 months of h e double hockey sticks. I am being tested soon for heart disease. The dr thinks all the stress of my first marriage, then gaining weight, then the stress of living with an A...I may have heart damage. So, you are smart to look after YOUR health and the baby's health. I can't go back now. Wish I could. I'm a bit scared.

Follow your own instincts. That is the big mistake so many people make. THey don't follow their own inner voice.
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Old 02-04-2005, 04:41 PM
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It is going to be really hard, I'm not all that financially stable by myself and I'm a little ashamed to let people know eventually that my engagement is off at least for the time being and possibly permanantly.
Let me first of all, that you have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed or embarrassed about here! Absolutely NOTHING!!!!! You have done all you can do right now to work this relationship out. Believe me, all of us here at SR know that it is not easy always being the giver in a relationship - alcoholics are the takers.
You may be surprised to find out that your friends and family are relieved and happy that the engagement is postponed or cancelled altogether. Often times, people wont' really tell us how they feel about our SO's because they know that we love them and that we wouldn't listen even if they did tell us negative things.
I'm sorry that things are going so badly for you right now. I just hope that you get some much needed rest and that you try to stop stressing. Remember - one day at a time and keep it simple.
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Old 02-04-2005, 05:01 PM
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Aquianna - I'm sorry you are going through this. The first few months is emotional anyway and you certainly didn't need him adding to it.

You made the right decision for you right now. You have to take care of you.

Your HP will NEVER give you more than you can handle. You must believe that.
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Old 02-04-2005, 05:42 PM
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((((((Aquianna)))))

You did the right thing.

I will say a prayer for both of you tonight.

Mindi
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Old 02-04-2005, 07:36 PM
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((((((((((Aquiana))))))))))))) - I will pray your baby is fine. Please try and relax and take it one hour/day at a time...just have faith...and know that whatever happens, it will be okay. don't even think about him, if you can...just picture you and your healthy baby, and it will come to be! I am just so sorry - I wish I could give you a great big hug and a shoulder to cry on. Stay strong...just for this next few days/weeks...just don't think about money, your A, just nothing but peace and your beautiful new baby...you can do it!
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Old 02-04-2005, 09:04 PM
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Thanx again everybody...the drama continued on into the night. He came back. I shouldn't have answered the door but I did. He was really drunk then. Basically passing out. I told him to leave. I really didn't want him there. He wouldn't so I didn't know what to do. I don't know any of his friends really. I didn't want to get him arrested yet. I don't want to get my dad and brother involved either since I don't want things to go violent. So finally I called his mom. I know he's going to be really mad now but there was nothing else I could do. His dad is coming over here in the morning. I hope they can convince him to leave. I'm really afraid to leave him alone here but I have to go to work tomorrow. His mom knew about his problem. She thought it was getting better. I hope between all of us we can convince him to go and get help. He's ruining his life. I told her I was sorry and I do care about him so much but I can't deal with it right now and it's not good for either of us to be together right at the moment. I'm not helping him either. I feel bad for them too. His dad has had health problems and I know they can't deal with him either if he keeps going. She pretty much said he can't stay there either if he's going to drink every night. It's really sad that he's really making it impossible for anyone who loves him to help him out. I really don't want him on the street but I can't make it my responsibility any more. Did I do the right thing? I hope so.....
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Old 02-04-2005, 09:18 PM
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Like I used to do when I first came here, you seem to talk and think a lot about what everyone else is thinking or feeling.
How he is hurting and you don't want to add to it and send him to jail.
How his parents are dealing with their own health problem and you don't want them to ahve to deal with him.
How people will react when you say your engagement is off.

It is time to focus on you.
On how his behavior effects you.
On how you feel.
On what you need.

It is OK to put yourself first.
You wouldn't even need the pregnancy for it to be ok.
You deserve a happy and safe life where you feel loved.
Where you get back as much as you give.

You do not need to justify any of your actions beyond that.
If the reason is simply it is what you need to do to be happy, that is reason enough.
You deserve to be happy.
We all do.
But many of us codependents forget that.
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