How To Get Over Cheating?? Help!!
harleygirl92156
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
How To Get Over Cheating?? Help!!
My husband just finished treatment, thank God. He to "came clean" about a one night stand and when ask why, he simply states it wasn't me, it was the disease, I would never do that sober. I feel it is a cop out.
He also refuses to give me any details about what happened other than a woman's first name, doesn't remember what town he was in, doesn't remember how they hooked up, doesn't remember how he got back to his vehicle or home, doesn't remember what she looked like, doesn't remember anything but getting out of the back seat of a car in a parking lot. Now he says he is pretty sure he had sex, but not positive. Claims it was a blackout. I do know the night, and he was in a blackout when he got home and thought I was a bartender and was ordering beer from me.
Wants forgiveness, but I don't really know what to do. I have always been under the impression that if a man is drunk enough to black out, the captain isn't going to be able to stand at attention and do his duty if you know what I mean. Therefore, I believe he does remember more and just doesn't want to tell me. He has already told me the big hurt, the rest is just and issue of trust to me.
I feel if he can sit down and tell me the whole story, the whole truth, good or bad, from beginning to end, then I can start to work on trusting him. If he is still holding things back and hiding things from me, how can I even step on the path to trust with him. I will always doubt him because he is holding back the truth.
He has two friends that know the truth and I could go to them and find out what I want to know, but I want him to TRUST me enough to tell me the whole story and allow me to determine how I want to handle it. I have been told I will get over it, it will just take time. Well how can I get over what I don't know. I know he cheated, well, maybe he cheated (yea right) and that he doesn't remember anything about that night, oh yea, except the sex. Well that makes me feel better.
He also made the statement "It didn't have anything to do with you, it was just there!" What the heck does that mean??
This is the only issue we have right now, all else is good. I just don't feel I can move on with the relationship, or that I should be expected to. I feel I should have all the facts given to me before I make my decision, because at this point with the limited info I have, I say it has to be over because if he isn't being honest and open with me now, he never will.
What do ya all think?
He also refuses to give me any details about what happened other than a woman's first name, doesn't remember what town he was in, doesn't remember how they hooked up, doesn't remember how he got back to his vehicle or home, doesn't remember what she looked like, doesn't remember anything but getting out of the back seat of a car in a parking lot. Now he says he is pretty sure he had sex, but not positive. Claims it was a blackout. I do know the night, and he was in a blackout when he got home and thought I was a bartender and was ordering beer from me.
Wants forgiveness, but I don't really know what to do. I have always been under the impression that if a man is drunk enough to black out, the captain isn't going to be able to stand at attention and do his duty if you know what I mean. Therefore, I believe he does remember more and just doesn't want to tell me. He has already told me the big hurt, the rest is just and issue of trust to me.
I feel if he can sit down and tell me the whole story, the whole truth, good or bad, from beginning to end, then I can start to work on trusting him. If he is still holding things back and hiding things from me, how can I even step on the path to trust with him. I will always doubt him because he is holding back the truth.
He has two friends that know the truth and I could go to them and find out what I want to know, but I want him to TRUST me enough to tell me the whole story and allow me to determine how I want to handle it. I have been told I will get over it, it will just take time. Well how can I get over what I don't know. I know he cheated, well, maybe he cheated (yea right) and that he doesn't remember anything about that night, oh yea, except the sex. Well that makes me feel better.
He also made the statement "It didn't have anything to do with you, it was just there!" What the heck does that mean??
This is the only issue we have right now, all else is good. I just don't feel I can move on with the relationship, or that I should be expected to. I feel I should have all the facts given to me before I make my decision, because at this point with the limited info I have, I say it has to be over because if he isn't being honest and open with me now, he never will.
What do ya all think?
still moment by moment
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: on my way back to me
Posts: 83
its going to be okay
You know. Many many years ago my husband cheated on me. He was stone cold sober. He did it more than once although he never really had an affair. Just some sleeze.
Anyway. I do not recommend getting the details. It isn't worth it.
He did go into counseling though, then we went, etc. and we worked through 95% of the issue. I hold onto the last 5% but it doesn't have to do with him. It is difficult to explain. The fact that I'm on this board because I ate painkillers like M&Ms probably explains that part.
But what I do know is, and I have fully accepted this. The fact that he cheated on me has absolutely nothing to do with me or how much he loves me. He had issues at the time. (I am happy to report that the man finally grew up). But I do accept that it wasn't because he didn't love me. He was MADLY in love with me. He had his own insecurities, immaturity, etc.
So, here's my thoughts.
You guys can recover from it. It is absolute hell to go through. I felt like my prince charming died. But maybe you don't think yours is so princely anyway if he has this disease. But I felt like my fairy tale was ruined. And no matter what, I was NEVER going to get it back. Even if we divorced I would never again have what I had.
I have so many emotions about this issue. I would never cheat on him - THAT isn't my problem. Although I tried once, but I set my eyes on a gay co-worker so does that really count?
I did not divorce him and I'm really happy about that. We had one kid when I found out. We have 3 now. It has been good and bad, but I do forgive him. I wish sometimes that I never knew, but then, that probably wouldn't have worked either. I will not lie - it took me a LONGGGGGGGG time to get past it and sometimes I am still not over it. But I do know that it had nothing to do with me. And I'm glad I didn't throw in the towel because of that.
It was from his lack of character, not his lack of love. I am SURE that is the truth about your husband.
So. Good good good luck. Trust will take a long time, no matter what he tells you. And the details - they stink. (but so does not knowing all of it.) So I really don't know which way is better. I know that if there are women that I don't know about from back then I sure as hell don't want to know now.
Anyway. I do not recommend getting the details. It isn't worth it.
He did go into counseling though, then we went, etc. and we worked through 95% of the issue. I hold onto the last 5% but it doesn't have to do with him. It is difficult to explain. The fact that I'm on this board because I ate painkillers like M&Ms probably explains that part.
But what I do know is, and I have fully accepted this. The fact that he cheated on me has absolutely nothing to do with me or how much he loves me. He had issues at the time. (I am happy to report that the man finally grew up). But I do accept that it wasn't because he didn't love me. He was MADLY in love with me. He had his own insecurities, immaturity, etc.
So, here's my thoughts.
You guys can recover from it. It is absolute hell to go through. I felt like my prince charming died. But maybe you don't think yours is so princely anyway if he has this disease. But I felt like my fairy tale was ruined. And no matter what, I was NEVER going to get it back. Even if we divorced I would never again have what I had.
I have so many emotions about this issue. I would never cheat on him - THAT isn't my problem. Although I tried once, but I set my eyes on a gay co-worker so does that really count?
I did not divorce him and I'm really happy about that. We had one kid when I found out. We have 3 now. It has been good and bad, but I do forgive him. I wish sometimes that I never knew, but then, that probably wouldn't have worked either. I will not lie - it took me a LONGGGGGGGG time to get past it and sometimes I am still not over it. But I do know that it had nothing to do with me. And I'm glad I didn't throw in the towel because of that.
It was from his lack of character, not his lack of love. I am SURE that is the truth about your husband.
So. Good good good luck. Trust will take a long time, no matter what he tells you. And the details - they stink. (but so does not knowing all of it.) So I really don't know which way is better. I know that if there are women that I don't know about from back then I sure as hell don't want to know now.
harleygirl92156
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Thanks Erino134. Sorry you had to go through the pain, I do know what it feels like I and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. God Bless you for taking the time to give me your thoughts. It is very much appreciated.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Our house.
Posts: 816
((((Harleygirl))))
I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. This is an awful thing to have to work through at anytime. But when your husband has just left treatment it must be hell. When reading your post i did find myself wondering if your husband is capable of much more openness and honesty at this time. I know that openness and honesty for me is a process. Its not something that i got all at once when i cleaned up. I was very out of touch with myself and my feelings. That took time to come back. I realise this isnt very useful to you and i am sorry i dont have anything more constructive to say.
Really i just wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you.
Hugs
Evanna.
I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. This is an awful thing to have to work through at anytime. But when your husband has just left treatment it must be hell. When reading your post i did find myself wondering if your husband is capable of much more openness and honesty at this time. I know that openness and honesty for me is a process. Its not something that i got all at once when i cleaned up. I was very out of touch with myself and my feelings. That took time to come back. I realise this isnt very useful to you and i am sorry i dont have anything more constructive to say.
Really i just wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you.
Hugs
Evanna.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
I don't think he should have told you. You tell someone only if they aren't hurt worse by it. He should have confessed to a pastor, told a friend asked God to forgive him.
In our meetings we close with the Lord's prayer. Forgive us our tresspasses as we forgive those who tresspass against us. I do hope in time, you can forgive, you'll never forget. Having no resentments today is like a boulder off your shoulder.
Stay in here, there's a lot of women in here will help you thru this.
chris
In our meetings we close with the Lord's prayer. Forgive us our tresspasses as we forgive those who tresspass against us. I do hope in time, you can forgive, you'll never forget. Having no resentments today is like a boulder off your shoulder.
Stay in here, there's a lot of women in here will help you thru this.
chris
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
In my opinion he was probably trying to make an amend, but a bad one. Now your mind is racing for the who, what, where, why's. I know its completly normal to want all those questions answered, but once your done fuming, let it go. In no way will it serve any purpose to know the gory details, none what so ever. Your hurt will begin to subside, and you can learn to build those trust issues over time.
Why? Who knows, and I'm afraid I have to believe him when he says he wouldn't do it sober, it's an unfortunate, unacceptable hazard of some less controlled addicts/alcoholics. By no means is it ever going to be an acceptable reason for you, frankly, nothing, not knowing who, not knowing while, will ever make it okay for you. With time if your marriage is to endure you will forgive, but as mentioned, not forget. That is his problem, as I'm in agreement, he should have dealt with his own guilt over it internally with a sponsor and not involved you by hurting you. Do you recognize how much damage has already been done? *huge hugs* Give it time, let it go, talk it out with someone your close to as you can't keep it in and he is not the one you need compassion from on this.
Why? Who knows, and I'm afraid I have to believe him when he says he wouldn't do it sober, it's an unfortunate, unacceptable hazard of some less controlled addicts/alcoholics. By no means is it ever going to be an acceptable reason for you, frankly, nothing, not knowing who, not knowing while, will ever make it okay for you. With time if your marriage is to endure you will forgive, but as mentioned, not forget. That is his problem, as I'm in agreement, he should have dealt with his own guilt over it internally with a sponsor and not involved you by hurting you. Do you recognize how much damage has already been done? *huge hugs* Give it time, let it go, talk it out with someone your close to as you can't keep it in and he is not the one you need compassion from on this.
doing the inside job
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: planet happy
Posts: 542
In my experince.
First I had to make it cleared. That the **** hurted me like hell.
She needed to make up her mind if she really loves me.
I needed to make up my mind if I truley love her.
Stone, drunk, blackout. It didn't matter.
It was not an excused. If she did it while in a black out.
Well...quit getting in a damn blackout all do crap the leads to a blackout.Simple.
Maybe, it was an awaken for her of some sort, I don't know
From that day forward I saw the most committed partner
and devote mother. A lot of help and working with her sponsor
that was not single. I notice that.
Trust and revenge became an issue.
I forgive her in my heart as best I knew.
I sure as hell didn't practice these principle perfect.
SEX was wierd or wihtout feeling for a while.
I didn't cheat but flerted a hell of a whole damn lot.
It was if to say to her I could have pick anyone, but I choose you.
Jealouscy became an issue for her. And it was hurting her.
She got sick of that crap after a while and called me on my crap.
It was an awakening for me of some sort.
I commited myself to be the best partner I knew how and a devoted
step father. With a lot of help from a sponsor that was not single.
Many, many phone calls or couseling of telling me not to pick a
fight with her or a constant reminder for me to tell her that I love her.
Which was what I really felt and wanted.
First I had to make it cleared. That the **** hurted me like hell.
She needed to make up her mind if she really loves me.
I needed to make up my mind if I truley love her.
Stone, drunk, blackout. It didn't matter.
It was not an excused. If she did it while in a black out.
Well...quit getting in a damn blackout all do crap the leads to a blackout.Simple.
Maybe, it was an awaken for her of some sort, I don't know
From that day forward I saw the most committed partner
and devote mother. A lot of help and working with her sponsor
that was not single. I notice that.
Trust and revenge became an issue.
I forgive her in my heart as best I knew.
I sure as hell didn't practice these principle perfect.
SEX was wierd or wihtout feeling for a while.
I didn't cheat but flerted a hell of a whole damn lot.
It was if to say to her I could have pick anyone, but I choose you.
Jealouscy became an issue for her. And it was hurting her.
She got sick of that crap after a while and called me on my crap.
It was an awakening for me of some sort.
I commited myself to be the best partner I knew how and a devoted
step father. With a lot of help from a sponsor that was not single.
Many, many phone calls or couseling of telling me not to pick a
fight with her or a constant reminder for me to tell her that I love her.
Which was what I really felt and wanted.
doing the inside job
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: planet happy
Posts: 542
I didn't want to know the whole story.
One thing I knew, It sure the hell wasn't with me.
I had to block that crap out of my mind.
From my pass experience that i've learned
In a previous relationship with my ex-wife.
It was the thought of that crap that drove me out of my mind
and resentments grew and grew and grew.
My pain grew and grew. I had to get really,really wacked.
That drove a weg between us and drove us further apart.
Those thoughts kept me from forgiving her.
The relationship became chaos, we nearly killed each other.
I ended up moving in with two women, but loning for my wife and child.
My mentallity was I'll show her, but wanted to come home.
But home was chaos.
The lesson I learned was not to cheat on myself.
One thing I knew, It sure the hell wasn't with me.
I had to block that crap out of my mind.
From my pass experience that i've learned
In a previous relationship with my ex-wife.
It was the thought of that crap that drove me out of my mind
and resentments grew and grew and grew.
My pain grew and grew. I had to get really,really wacked.
That drove a weg between us and drove us further apart.
Those thoughts kept me from forgiving her.
The relationship became chaos, we nearly killed each other.
I ended up moving in with two women, but loning for my wife and child.
My mentallity was I'll show her, but wanted to come home.
But home was chaos.
The lesson I learned was not to cheat on myself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Northern, CA
Posts: 1
I am going through a similar situation right now. My husband told me 3 weeks ago that he had screwed this girl 4 times 6 months ago. He said he was drunk all times. He has been sober for about 6 weeks. Now I am trying to figure out if this is worth it. BTW - What he 1st confessed did not turn out to be the complete truth. Turns out he wasn't even drunk twice.
We just came back from marriage counceling last night. The one thing he said was that alcohol does not cause an affair. It is an inhibitor - so that getting drunk will let you do what you already wanted to do. Very important, because like you, when I first found out, I was debating on whether it was an alcoholic thing or his character. I now believe it is character. Now the question is can his character be changed if he worked at it? And how do you really know whether he wants to work on it?
I am however VERY happy that he has "seen the light" and is very involved with AA, and making changes in his life for the better. He wants to work our marriage out. I don't know if that was the last straw for me or not. I think maybe it was.
I just said a prayer for you.
We just came back from marriage counceling last night. The one thing he said was that alcohol does not cause an affair. It is an inhibitor - so that getting drunk will let you do what you already wanted to do. Very important, because like you, when I first found out, I was debating on whether it was an alcoholic thing or his character. I now believe it is character. Now the question is can his character be changed if he worked at it? And how do you really know whether he wants to work on it?
I am however VERY happy that he has "seen the light" and is very involved with AA, and making changes in his life for the better. He wants to work our marriage out. I don't know if that was the last straw for me or not. I think maybe it was.
I just said a prayer for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 77
HarleyGirl,
I don't want to try to offer advice because I don't know if it would be good or bad. I can say that if I were you it would hurt me terribly and I also would be unsure of what to do. I think I would want to know so I could decide if the relationship should go on? I think I would but am not sure.
I am a guy and, for me at least, the captain does not stand at attention when I am annebriated. All people are different though.
One other thing I can say is that I have many times been very angry with my now ex girlfriend but have never considered anything like that. I do get attracted to other women but would never have brought pain like that to her.
I don't want to try to offer advice because I don't know if it would be good or bad. I can say that if I were you it would hurt me terribly and I also would be unsure of what to do. I think I would want to know so I could decide if the relationship should go on? I think I would but am not sure.
I am a guy and, for me at least, the captain does not stand at attention when I am annebriated. All people are different though.
One other thing I can say is that I have many times been very angry with my now ex girlfriend but have never considered anything like that. I do get attracted to other women but would never have brought pain like that to her.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: brandon man, canada
Posts: 258
Wow that hits home in a lot of ways.ONE OF THE STEPS IN a.a is to tell the ones you have hurt the truth about stuff you have done in the past.But if its going to hurt them maybe not tell them for now.I,m not quit sure thats whats really mean,t.It could be one of the things thats really bothering him and has to get it off his chest to get forgiveness and to help recover.I did the same thing in my past and the guilt i had was really bad and at the time my wife eventually forgave me but it took a long time ti forgive.So i wish you two the best of luck and if its meant for the two of you to be together i well happen in time...........
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Jasper, GA
Posts: 239
I'm curious about one thing...
Originally Posted by harleygirl92156
... He also refuses to give me any details about what happened other than a woman's first name, doesn't remember what town he was in, doesn't remember how they hooked up, doesn't remember how he got back to his vehicle or home, doesn't remember what she looked like, doesn't remember anything but getting out of the back seat of a car in a parking lot. Now he says he is pretty sure he had sex, but not positive. Claims it was a blackout. I do know the night, and he was in a blackout when he got home and thought I was a bartender and was ordering beer from me. .. I have always been under the impression that if a man is drunk enough to black out, the captain isn't going to be able to stand at attention and do his duty if you know what I mean...Therefore, I believe he does remember more and just doesn't want to tell me.
If he is still holding things back and hiding things from me, how can I even step on the path to trust with him. I will always doubt him because he is holding back the truth.
... Well how can I get over what I don't know. I know he cheated, well, maybe he cheated (yea right) and that he doesn't remember anything about that night, oh yea, except the sex. What do ya all think?
If he is still holding things back and hiding things from me, how can I even step on the path to trust with him. I will always doubt him because he is holding back the truth.
... Well how can I get over what I don't know. I know he cheated, well, maybe he cheated (yea right) and that he doesn't remember anything about that night, oh yea, except the sex. What do ya all think?
All through your post you keep accusing, despite not knowing. "I will always doubt him because he is holding back the truth." You say this right after acknowledging that you know the particular night in question, and said that he did come home in a blackout thinking you were a bartender. You expect him to remember the details when he didn't even recognize you. And, yes, "the captain" will stand up when one is drunk.
As I said, it sounds to me like you have just made up your mind to not believe him and expect us to validate that for you. Not from here.
BubbaBob
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((HG))))
I am really sorry that you are going thru this right now. I know you hurt over it.....
When I used to drink I would get in situations with men that I could not tell you any of the details of and I do mean none of them.....I know sober I would never allow myself to be like that and even drunk I did not like it.
I believe trying to get all the details could have a negative effect in that you will be keeping his mind focused on when he was drinking instead of today. I know it is real difficult to let go of but, in the long run you will be happier for trying to get your mind off it.....
I am really sorry that you are going thru this right now. I know you hurt over it.....
When I used to drink I would get in situations with men that I could not tell you any of the details of and I do mean none of them.....I know sober I would never allow myself to be like that and even drunk I did not like it.
I believe trying to get all the details could have a negative effect in that you will be keeping his mind focused on when he was drinking instead of today. I know it is real difficult to let go of but, in the long run you will be happier for trying to get your mind off it.....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Dubh Linn - Ireland
Posts: 455
Hi there,
This is a strange one for me because it effects so much of my life......I will tell you but not quite now perhaps as I am sooo very tired. But I have been the victim of it and the purpetrator and the counselor and lord knows what else.
What I do really and truely know is this. Any feelings of hurt etc one may have following "Cheating" is actually to do with ourselves and not the actual act itself. I can honestly say that such encounters meant nothing to me and nor do I or did I Think of them.
Please "Let Go, Let God"........3 children later speaks volumes of loving I think!
Luvs and Recovery
Ama
This is a strange one for me because it effects so much of my life......I will tell you but not quite now perhaps as I am sooo very tired. But I have been the victim of it and the purpetrator and the counselor and lord knows what else.
What I do really and truely know is this. Any feelings of hurt etc one may have following "Cheating" is actually to do with ourselves and not the actual act itself. I can honestly say that such encounters meant nothing to me and nor do I or did I Think of them.
Please "Let Go, Let God"........3 children later speaks volumes of loving I think!
Luvs and Recovery
Ama
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 77
Hi again,
I thought I would follow up and see what people have had to say. Looks to go both ways.
I will give you my perspective again. As you know I split up with my girlfriend over a month ago. We both have the right to do whatever we want. Next Friday I have a woman spending the night for-well you know. Last night I had a dream that I was still together with my girlfriend but cheated on her. It bothered me so much I could not go back to sleep and have been up since 4:00 AM. That's just me though and we are not together nor were we married. I think you know the answer already deep inside of you, whatever it may be. If you truly love him, have had a great relationship, etc then maybe it is time to get past it?? If things are not so wonderful and maybe if you fear it would happen again then possibly it is time to leave him. You know the situation better than anyone. Either way, don't you ask him how he would feel if you did the same thing?
I thought I would follow up and see what people have had to say. Looks to go both ways.
I will give you my perspective again. As you know I split up with my girlfriend over a month ago. We both have the right to do whatever we want. Next Friday I have a woman spending the night for-well you know. Last night I had a dream that I was still together with my girlfriend but cheated on her. It bothered me so much I could not go back to sleep and have been up since 4:00 AM. That's just me though and we are not together nor were we married. I think you know the answer already deep inside of you, whatever it may be. If you truly love him, have had a great relationship, etc then maybe it is time to get past it?? If things are not so wonderful and maybe if you fear it would happen again then possibly it is time to leave him. You know the situation better than anyone. Either way, don't you ask him how he would feel if you did the same thing?
harleygirl92156
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Thanks Everyone For The Replies. All Were Read And As In Al Anon I Took What I Wanted And Left The Rest! I Have Decided To Give It Six Months As That Is Recommended By Al Anon, Not To Make Any Life Changing Decisions For Six Months. He Is A Good Man And I Thought He Was Perfect For Me, And Maybe He Is, But.........he Isn't Perfect And Neither Am I. So I Am Here For The Time Being And Will Work To Let Go And Let God. (((((hugs))))) All For Your Perspective.
Thanks For Taking The Time!!!!!
Thanks For Taking The Time!!!!!
harleygirl92156
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
He and I both have wonderful sponsors. I have discussed this at length with my sponsor, but he is reluctant to discuss it with his or anyone else except his counselor. He doesn't see this counselor any longer and says he is very unhappy with the way the whole situation was handled by the counselor. He had made arrangements to have supper with his sponsor Friday evening and discuss this, but his sponsor had to cancel due to family illness (we have terrible flu going on here), so I think he really does want to discuss it with him.
Things are getting better. I feel the ache in my heart lessening. Yesterday we spent the whole day together and we didn't argue once and I didn't cry all day and trust me that is a huge accomplishment.
This morning I feel good and have decided to have a good day!
Again, thanks to everyone who took time to respond. It does help.
Things are getting better. I feel the ache in my heart lessening. Yesterday we spent the whole day together and we didn't argue once and I didn't cry all day and trust me that is a huge accomplishment.
This morning I feel good and have decided to have a good day!
Again, thanks to everyone who took time to respond. It does help.
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