erino134

At what point will thoughts of using stop coming into my brain every... say... six minutes? I wonder.

I went to a committee meeting thing last night for 3 hours (child/volunteer related.) and I was AMAZED that I didn't think about using for the entire 3 hours. That occured to me on the way home. Hmmm.

Right now I feel like I have the devil and the angel on my shoulder. And they are fighting so loudly. Geez. I know this is naive, but I would really like to get this out of my head. I do a complete cycle in my head like 4 times an hour. Craving, indecision, determination, relief. repeat.

The angel is winning thank god, but JUST barely. just barely.

wantneeda

hi, i guess obsession is the key and as long as your not obsessing, in treatment i learned about my pathological critic, that little devil that sits on my shoulder and puts those dang ideas into my head, well i point blank just tell him to F*#@ off and die!!!
he doesn't want me to win but each time i take my power back i get stronger and he gets weaker. I believe he'll always be there telling me I'm not good enough, good looking enough, smart enough, strong, brave or courageous enough, but when i look in the mirror and say wnatneeda you're beautiful, wantneeda you're precious, wantneeda you're worthwhile and i love you it gives me a whole lot of strength!!!
i can so relate to having something else tie up my brain so that i don't have those dang thoughts, that 3 hours of relief....just goes to show u our brains need to be occupied by something that is interesting and the minute it isn't that little devil takes over.....keep squashing him, he don't pay rent and doesn't deserve the time of day
\\// peace

CAPTAINZING2000

So, are you going to feed your angel or, feed the demon? When, you feel tempted, pray. Don't let your disease talk you into caving in. Stay strong, call someone in the program, post on here. Don't sit at home with idle time. You can do this, We believe in you


chris

kckman

erino134, just winning barely is something I can really relate to. It is the end of another day and I barely just got through it. I am glad to know that I am not alone in this struggle. Today we both win. Tomorrow is another challenge and another battle. I am going to try to get some sleep now. I am going to be needing my rest for tomorrows battles to use or to abstain. I have the power of choice but sometimes my brain is confused by my resident addict. It is a strong enemy mine, yours and ours. Stay strong moment to moment, good luck peace be with you.

erino134

But that cycle keeps repeating. But I haven't used. This is day #5. I can't believe how I can actually get out of bed in the morning. Someone recently told me that I cheated death many times over. Do I realize that? If not, I will. I do realize that driving is a HELL of a lot easier when you are awake and straight.

You know. I haven't flushed my stash. I even looked at it last night, I have about 40 little yellow norcos left. They don't look as pretty as they used to. In fact, they looked so small and powerless it is amazing how much power they had. It is weird looking at them though - without subconsiously calculating how long they are going to last....

I'm so pissed today. Pissed that I do not get to look forward to eating little yellow opiate pills. AND, I'm pissed that I'm pissed about that. Dammit.

Damn angel.....

erino134

There is a little good news...

Craving, indecision, determination, relief, repeat.

The cycle is cycling around about every 3 hours now instead of every ten minutes.....

But it is changing....

Craving... getting shorter stints
but the other three pieces are each getting longer stints.

(although today relief feels like pissed.)

Thanks for caring. It matters and helps. so much.

na4today

I'm glad I'm not the only one with the stash. I can't bring myself to get rid of them and I don't know why. I think about them all the time. I have been clean 90 days and the craving is still there. When I have one of those days, I sometimes get some and look at them and really want to take them. I kept a few in my pocket for a long time. It was kinda comforting, to know they were there just in case.....listen to the angel, and one day you will have the strength to thump that devil away!! Keep posting and keep coming back!!

na4today

Paulie

Just a thought, but in my experience there have been times that the little devil would have beat the angel if I had the stash right there. Meaning I would have used if I had the dope on me. There have been several times in my recovery that the only reason I didnt' use is because I talked myself out of or someone else talked me our of making the effort to go get my drug of choice, or any drug or drink for that matter.

Flush the stash....say goodbye to it. In my opinion recovery has nothing to do with willpower, keeping the stash is not exercising willpower it is a relapse waiting to happen.

Just my opinon.

You are doing great, why sit in the middle of the temptation. Andy maybe just maybe, the cycle will stop if in your head you know the stash is gone.

Dont' risk your sobriety to try and prove something to yourself, or to the devil on your shoulder.

na4today

Paulie, you have made an excellent point. thanks

erino134

I KNOW I KNOW. I am going to flush. I just haven't.

Right now I'm on suboxone, so it is insurance. I know that taking them would be a waste because I wouldn't feel it.

The truth is though, I haven't flushed them because I haven't decided to quit for good. I've decided to not to use today and that's it. The thought of never using makes me sad. I know that is stupid and all that.

I'm hoping God gives the me the strength to want to give it up for good. Or that I get that strength from within myself or from somewhere!! I'm getting some of it from here actually. I am hoping therapy helps too.

I don't have it yet. I didn't say I recommend it. Just that it is what it is.

If I decide to do the steps..... I'm still barely on #1. (It is hard, hence the uncertainty of wanting to actually do them the real way)

BUT. I'm not high right now and haven't been for the longest period in over 2 years.

Paulie

I pray that you become willing to the possibilites of recovery.

Chy

No one expects it to be easy. We get that, you just have to be willing, want it more than anything and listen to that angel more than that demon. We'll be here whenever your ready!

na4today

Erino.....After reading Paulie's post I thought a lot about it and I decided to flush my stash, all of it. I said a few words then.....flush. Now they are gone. Feels kinda strange to know there is now nothing in this house. I'm not sad it actually feels good to know there is no temptation around.

I hope you flush your's too!!!

na4today p.s. thanks Paulie for wise words.

sherbear5104

Good for you NA for flushing your stash. I agree totally with Paulie. If I had kept a stash, I would not have the 9 months that I do. That devil would have won on those occasions when the cravings were strong. I pray that you will flush yours, too erino.

Richie

Flushing that stash may be scary but I bet it will give you a great sense of victory and greater hope for overcoming the enemy.(Because it is your enemy).I finally got rid of mine one morning when I woke up and heard the garbage truck coming down the street.I ran out and threw it all in the can and then watched as the truck picked it up and compacted it and took it away to the pile of garbage where it belonged.Once it was gone my conviction became immeasurably greater.That was 4 and a half months ago and though I still get occasional cravings,it is easier to ignore them now.If I had kept that stash it would be different.You need to get rid of it.
Good luck and God bless you.

Paulie

(((na4today))) good job!!!!!

Gooch

awesome ... Thanks for sharing your struggles and triumphs. I need to remember where I was or I might find myslef remembering teh hard way.

Although I didn't hold a stash. I had a box of paraphenalia in my attic for 6 years and the little devil would show up and make me squirm every time I heard the topic of reservations at meetings.

It was a big relief when I finally made the decision that I didn't need to keep that around anymore as I had no intention of using ever again and I know I have the support network to help me stay accountable to my intent.

barely on the first step at 5 or 6 days? Good job! take your time there is nothing to be gained by racing our way through the steps in order to "get 'er done" more importantly is that we work them as we come to understand them in our heart and our mind and can begin to see where they fit into daily application.

It's wonderful that you can see the cycle and the progress you are making!

Keep coming back! it works!

erino134

I used and I flushed.

I put three pills in my mouth and flushed the rest.

Like a monkey off my back.

I didn't get high because of the suboxone, felt guilty, etc. etc.

But I finally flushed. In a moment of courage yesterday. I was going to say clarity. I don't know what it was.

I regret it every few minutes, but it doesn't matter. They are gone and I don't have to worry about the ones in my house.

Thanks for your help. I feel like I should get a star for my forehead or something to that effect.

CAPTAINZING2000

I'm not real big on medicines from the Doctors. Try and eat a balanced meal, excercise, plenty of sleep and get something to do to keep your mind occupied. If, you're thinking about using your in your problem and not in your solution.

Glad you're telling about it for some advice

BTW,

did you tell the Doctor what you've said here? The Doc. needs to be aware of your addictions

Paulie

:bravo

Well I don't have a star for your forehead, but how about a GREAT JOB and a cheer!!

You did good. It is not about willpower.