Emotionally unavailable
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Lancaster
Posts: 120
Emotionally unavailable
First let me start by saying I am fairly new to this website and have already learned so much Thank you. I seem to be asking a lot of questions so I apologize but this is my first experience with an addict so a lot is new to me.
My exAB has always had issues with being emotionally available to me. In the beginning, in the just friends stage we would talk for hours about his past relationships and mine and he was so open - I saw all the pain he had gone through in the past and this is what made me fall in love with him. He really did listen to me at one time. As our relationship progressed he grew more and more distant - the exact opposite of the way I am. He was the one who wanted the relationship in the beginning - I was unsure but I jumped in and gave it a shot and I thought it was going to be a good thing. Again, he was less than perfect, his priority throughout our relationship was his two friends and I was wrong if I ever asked him to do something with me rather then them. It was a given that every other weekend when my son didn't go to his dad that my ex had "men's night" dinner with his 2 friends - bascially he would bring all the food (a free meal for them) and then they would go to the local dive bar and drink until the bar closed and they got kicked out. First question - is it normal for men in their late 30's and early 40's to have such a pre-occupation with their friends?? Was I asking to much from him expecting that our relationship take priority?? Don't get me wrong - I didn't want him to not have friends or stop seeing them but they always came first. What I have come to think is that the friends posed no emotional attachment for him and drinking was always involved. So it wasn't anything wrong with me it was more that they would not hurt him because he really didn't care about them and they didn't care about him. As a matter of fact I still firmly believe they only used him because when he was out of work and therefore out of money we didn't see or hear from them. Funny what great friends they are - but he did choose them over me.
Anyway, that's a little off my original subject. What I found over time is that my ex just grew further and further away from me. We lived together but he slept on the couch - he claimed he couldn't sleep in a bed because of all kinds of different reasons - but when I would go out of town for a night he ususally slept in the bed!!!! He confused staying home with me and my son as "being there" for us. Yes, physically he was there but our normal routine was he would get home from work, eat and then fall asleep within about an hour of getting home. I think sleep was his escape. I also wonder if he was not crashing after a day of using drugs to stay "up" at work. He denies the cocaine use except for the 3 times I can prove but I suspect it was much more.
I guess the other thing I have a hard time dealing with was why he always would say thing to get me to stay when I said I was leaving. Several times during our time together I was going to move out due mainly to his drinking and lack of respect toward me and our relationship. Why tell me he's going to change to keep me there if he didn't really love me and had no intention of changing. There are times when I get so mad at him for that because I just feel so used and lied to. I know he has issues stemming from a lifetime of emotional problems starting from when his mother left him and brothers sit so she could be with another man all the way through his failed marriages and broken engagement. I guess what really gets me is that I was sooo good to him I was extra careful to show him I loved him, I tried to build his self esteem by pointing out all his good points, etc. Maybe I am too full of myself here but I think sometimes to myself - he had it sooo good why couldn't he see it - why couldn't he give up all the things in his life that were hurting him and me.
Well anyway I have rambled on and on again. Thanks for listening. Please anybody give me some feedback. I love to hear what other people think. I is very helpful to me.
My exAB has always had issues with being emotionally available to me. In the beginning, in the just friends stage we would talk for hours about his past relationships and mine and he was so open - I saw all the pain he had gone through in the past and this is what made me fall in love with him. He really did listen to me at one time. As our relationship progressed he grew more and more distant - the exact opposite of the way I am. He was the one who wanted the relationship in the beginning - I was unsure but I jumped in and gave it a shot and I thought it was going to be a good thing. Again, he was less than perfect, his priority throughout our relationship was his two friends and I was wrong if I ever asked him to do something with me rather then them. It was a given that every other weekend when my son didn't go to his dad that my ex had "men's night" dinner with his 2 friends - bascially he would bring all the food (a free meal for them) and then they would go to the local dive bar and drink until the bar closed and they got kicked out. First question - is it normal for men in their late 30's and early 40's to have such a pre-occupation with their friends?? Was I asking to much from him expecting that our relationship take priority?? Don't get me wrong - I didn't want him to not have friends or stop seeing them but they always came first. What I have come to think is that the friends posed no emotional attachment for him and drinking was always involved. So it wasn't anything wrong with me it was more that they would not hurt him because he really didn't care about them and they didn't care about him. As a matter of fact I still firmly believe they only used him because when he was out of work and therefore out of money we didn't see or hear from them. Funny what great friends they are - but he did choose them over me.
Anyway, that's a little off my original subject. What I found over time is that my ex just grew further and further away from me. We lived together but he slept on the couch - he claimed he couldn't sleep in a bed because of all kinds of different reasons - but when I would go out of town for a night he ususally slept in the bed!!!! He confused staying home with me and my son as "being there" for us. Yes, physically he was there but our normal routine was he would get home from work, eat and then fall asleep within about an hour of getting home. I think sleep was his escape. I also wonder if he was not crashing after a day of using drugs to stay "up" at work. He denies the cocaine use except for the 3 times I can prove but I suspect it was much more.
I guess the other thing I have a hard time dealing with was why he always would say thing to get me to stay when I said I was leaving. Several times during our time together I was going to move out due mainly to his drinking and lack of respect toward me and our relationship. Why tell me he's going to change to keep me there if he didn't really love me and had no intention of changing. There are times when I get so mad at him for that because I just feel so used and lied to. I know he has issues stemming from a lifetime of emotional problems starting from when his mother left him and brothers sit so she could be with another man all the way through his failed marriages and broken engagement. I guess what really gets me is that I was sooo good to him I was extra careful to show him I loved him, I tried to build his self esteem by pointing out all his good points, etc. Maybe I am too full of myself here but I think sometimes to myself - he had it sooo good why couldn't he see it - why couldn't he give up all the things in his life that were hurting him and me.
Well anyway I have rambled on and on again. Thanks for listening. Please anybody give me some feedback. I love to hear what other people think. I is very helpful to me.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Birthplace of Rock & Roll, Home of the Blues
Posts: 233
Some guys (both A's & non A's) like hanging out together... fishing, hunting, watching sports or going to games etc...
Yes, fair weather friends... but they don't require any emotional commitment.
You know you can't change him - you can only change you. You deserve to be happy. You do deserve better... you deserve to be treated with respect.
I wish you peace.
when he was out of work and therefore out of money we didn't see or hear from them
You know you can't change him - you can only change you. You deserve to be happy. You do deserve better... you deserve to be treated with respect.
I wish you peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Lancaster
Posts: 120
I know some guys just enjoy hanging out with thier friends. And that was not what I had a problem with - my problem was that was the most important thing to him. When they called he ran. Then when they didn't call he realized they were not his real friends - I was the only one he could count on, etc, etc. But as soon as they called again he went running again.
My bigger issue was with his lack of emotional intimancy - isn't it odd that a man would prefer to sleep on the couch rather than in the bed with the woman he claims to love??
My bigger issue was with his lack of emotional intimancy - isn't it odd that a man would prefer to sleep on the couch rather than in the bed with the woman he claims to love??
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
Sounds like drugs and alcohol. Addicts will choose the path to the drugs and alcohol. If that is with his friends, then that is what he will choose. If that is by himself in the middle of the night, instead of with a warm friendly girlfriend, that is what he will choose.
Someone told me when I first came to this sight, "You gave all you had to the addict, but the one thing he wanted, you couldn't give, and that is his drug."
The sleeping thing may be because he can't perform and doesn't want to be embarassed, so he doesn't even try. It could also be that he is using in the middle of the night and maybe feels like he can't use as easily if you are in the same room. It most likely has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Addicts who are using are incapable of relationships, other than their relationship with their drug.
I hope you can find the courage and insight to realize this isn't about YOU. And, sadly, there is nothing you can do to help him. If you haven't done so already, consider educating yourself about addiction. This will help you tremendously.
I hope you can find some resources to help you... read read read, check out alanon or support groups at a local church.
It is a sad sad thing, but you can live a happy life for yourself and your son with some education about addiction.
Peace!
Someone told me when I first came to this sight, "You gave all you had to the addict, but the one thing he wanted, you couldn't give, and that is his drug."
The sleeping thing may be because he can't perform and doesn't want to be embarassed, so he doesn't even try. It could also be that he is using in the middle of the night and maybe feels like he can't use as easily if you are in the same room. It most likely has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Addicts who are using are incapable of relationships, other than their relationship with their drug.
I hope you can find the courage and insight to realize this isn't about YOU. And, sadly, there is nothing you can do to help him. If you haven't done so already, consider educating yourself about addiction. This will help you tremendously.
I hope you can find some resources to help you... read read read, check out alanon or support groups at a local church.
It is a sad sad thing, but you can live a happy life for yourself and your son with some education about addiction.
Peace!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Benefits,
You WERE good to him. You gave it your best shot.
It's no bad reflection on you that he was unwilling, or unable to give back to you.
It sounds like you were attempting to have a healthy relationship with someone who didn't know how.
You WERE good to him. You gave it your best shot.
It's no bad reflection on you that he was unwilling, or unable to give back to you.
It sounds like you were attempting to have a healthy relationship with someone who didn't know how.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree with Gabe, it's no reflection on you that he is emotionally unavailable. I am facing similar issues in my marriage but without drugs or alcohol being a factor. The thing is, we can only give so much, and communicate so much, and when nothing comes back that leaves us emptyhanded.
I don['t have any good answers for you, I don't know the solution. I do know that we have a problem, but "we" are not the problem.
I am learning rather late in life to choose relationships that are balanced, where there is a give and take on each person's part, where it is about sharing and not just compromise. Either a friendship or relationship is healthy or it is not. I choose healthy... anything less needs to be put out of its misery.
Hugs
Ann
I don['t have any good answers for you, I don't know the solution. I do know that we have a problem, but "we" are not the problem.
I am learning rather late in life to choose relationships that are balanced, where there is a give and take on each person's part, where it is about sharing and not just compromise. Either a friendship or relationship is healthy or it is not. I choose healthy... anything less needs to be put out of its misery.
Hugs
Ann
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I'm sorry he's not emotionally there for you...
...but alkies are NOT there for themselves, actually - they avoid handling life on life's terms. My husband has been "sleeping" down in the basement for 48 hours. He comes up occasionally to get more booze to drink or something to eat, then goes back down and passes out on the air mattress he's placed next to the fireplace. I just stay clear of him and stay out of the house as much as possible.
Your AB will NEVER be there for you as long as he's an active addict. My AH is not there for me emotionally, and generally even if he's here he's drunk so there is a body present but that's about it. It's a lonely life, but it's better than giving him the opportunity to start a "drama" by screaming and flouncing out of the room because of something (or just about anything) I said that set him off.
You only have to take care of your needs - and I can tell you if you expect him to meet them, you're only setting yourself for anger and frustration. He cannot and will not meet your needs. Be thankful you're not married to this guy - it's a lot worse to go through a divorce than it is to break off a relationship before you're legally bound!
Your AB will NEVER be there for you as long as he's an active addict. My AH is not there for me emotionally, and generally even if he's here he's drunk so there is a body present but that's about it. It's a lonely life, but it's better than giving him the opportunity to start a "drama" by screaming and flouncing out of the room because of something (or just about anything) I said that set him off.
You only have to take care of your needs - and I can tell you if you expect him to meet them, you're only setting yourself for anger and frustration. He cannot and will not meet your needs. Be thankful you're not married to this guy - it's a lot worse to go through a divorce than it is to break off a relationship before you're legally bound!
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