My anger has gone... now what??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: CA
Posts: 109
My anger has gone... now what??
Hi folks.
Sorry this is a rambling one.
I thought I was doing so well. As you know he bought another woman back a few weeks ago (I found them at it in the house) I got through the last week on my anger...... but its gone. Now I dont know what to do.
I have done good. In the last week of my anger I have put on some weight (I lost so much the last few months) and have been out with friends. I went out the weekend and a guy asked for my number. Im so not interested but it made me feel that yes, someone may find me attractive. I got his instead so it is my choice to contact him. My friend also took me away for a couple of days to, we stayed in this really nice hotel.
But the thing is I felt so ungrateful. My friends are really trying with me. I spent my time at the hotel thinking of him.
I saw a video of the party he was at the other day. In the corner of the shots I could see him with HER. He was so blasted he could hardly stand. It was her who was over him. (although something must have been him to bring her back to the house to carry on!) But somewhere my thinking has changed.
Im now thinking of him with no anger..... (Even though I just found out a new bar has opened within walking distance from his house. He was there 9 hours yesterday so is still up to his antics!!)
Im feeling the love for him again. I keep thinking ending things was wrong. I keep thinking I want him back and will put up with it. I hate not feeling like this. I liked being angry (even though it is not a healthy feeling )- it kept me away from him. Now I just want to call him, hear his voice. I feel I want him back and I will put up with it - for the sake of having him. I know in reality this is not possible as he is interested in nothing but his alcohol (and the sl**Y women that hang off him) and I deserve better, he will do it to me again etc....Maybe Im scared he will find someone else. I hate feeling like this. I feel like a bi*ch - Im still on about him to my friends, they are trying, and I seem ungrateful... even though I appreciate it more than they could possible know.
I know tommorow I will probably wake up and see a bit of sense. But tonight all I want is to be back with him.
Sorry if this post doesnt make sense. I cant make sense of anything at the moment. Im on a rollercoaster of emotions. I pray and pray and pray not to feel like this. I pray for the strengh to be strong..... it ain`t happening at the moment!!!!!
Please tell me you have been though this..... how did you guys get through it??....... I want the strengh I had when I was angry.
Sorry for the ramble.
Sorry this is a rambling one.
I thought I was doing so well. As you know he bought another woman back a few weeks ago (I found them at it in the house) I got through the last week on my anger...... but its gone. Now I dont know what to do.
I have done good. In the last week of my anger I have put on some weight (I lost so much the last few months) and have been out with friends. I went out the weekend and a guy asked for my number. Im so not interested but it made me feel that yes, someone may find me attractive. I got his instead so it is my choice to contact him. My friend also took me away for a couple of days to, we stayed in this really nice hotel.
But the thing is I felt so ungrateful. My friends are really trying with me. I spent my time at the hotel thinking of him.
I saw a video of the party he was at the other day. In the corner of the shots I could see him with HER. He was so blasted he could hardly stand. It was her who was over him. (although something must have been him to bring her back to the house to carry on!) But somewhere my thinking has changed.
Im now thinking of him with no anger..... (Even though I just found out a new bar has opened within walking distance from his house. He was there 9 hours yesterday so is still up to his antics!!)
Im feeling the love for him again. I keep thinking ending things was wrong. I keep thinking I want him back and will put up with it. I hate not feeling like this. I liked being angry (even though it is not a healthy feeling )- it kept me away from him. Now I just want to call him, hear his voice. I feel I want him back and I will put up with it - for the sake of having him. I know in reality this is not possible as he is interested in nothing but his alcohol (and the sl**Y women that hang off him) and I deserve better, he will do it to me again etc....Maybe Im scared he will find someone else. I hate feeling like this. I feel like a bi*ch - Im still on about him to my friends, they are trying, and I seem ungrateful... even though I appreciate it more than they could possible know.
I know tommorow I will probably wake up and see a bit of sense. But tonight all I want is to be back with him.
Sorry if this post doesnt make sense. I cant make sense of anything at the moment. Im on a rollercoaster of emotions. I pray and pray and pray not to feel like this. I pray for the strengh to be strong..... it ain`t happening at the moment!!!!!
Please tell me you have been though this..... how did you guys get through it??....... I want the strengh I had when I was angry.
Sorry for the ramble.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hi rambling you, 
There is a lot of energy in anger. Alas, it is negative energy and it can sap you dry.
Go back and read your post again.
That phrase "put up with it" jumped right out at me.
Why should you have to put up with things that hurt you?
Look at your situation, and imagine your best friend was going through it.
Because she is, you are your own best friend.
You deserve a life, and a love that gives you good things and makes you happy.
Hugs,
Gabe
There is a lot of energy in anger. Alas, it is negative energy and it can sap you dry.
Go back and read your post again.
That phrase "put up with it" jumped right out at me.
Why should you have to put up with things that hurt you?
Look at your situation, and imagine your best friend was going through it.
Because she is, you are your own best friend.
You deserve a life, and a love that gives you good things and makes you happy.
Hugs,
Gabe
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Katie-
Your emotions will come in waves most likely. You have a right to feel mad just don't let it drive you to do something that you will regret. Use the anger to help to motivate you to do something good for yourself. Don't stuff your feelings because they will come out in ways that could harm your future relationships.
Just because you feel something does not mean that they are facts. You may feel like he is doing things to hurt you but, the fact is he is too busy hurting himself to be plotting your demise most likely. If he does find someone else you can bet that it won't be long until she is having the mood swings you have had with him..... Take care of you....
Your emotions will come in waves most likely. You have a right to feel mad just don't let it drive you to do something that you will regret. Use the anger to help to motivate you to do something good for yourself. Don't stuff your feelings because they will come out in ways that could harm your future relationships.
Just because you feel something does not mean that they are facts. You may feel like he is doing things to hurt you but, the fact is he is too busy hurting himself to be plotting your demise most likely. If he does find someone else you can bet that it won't be long until she is having the mood swings you have had with him..... Take care of you....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Katie -
Believe it or not, the day will come when the sound of his voice will make you go "yucK." You know that you don't want the relationship you had. When you think of him, try to think of the things about him that made you end the relationship. You are hurting now but if you just take it one day at a time I promise you that soon you will be feeling a whole lot better. Don't let him take you down with him. You are worth so much more than that.
Hugs, Jo
Believe it or not, the day will come when the sound of his voice will make you go "yucK." You know that you don't want the relationship you had. When you think of him, try to think of the things about him that made you end the relationship. You are hurting now but if you just take it one day at a time I promise you that soon you will be feeling a whole lot better. Don't let him take you down with him. You are worth so much more than that.
Hugs, Jo
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
Katie-Jojo has a good idea--take it one step further--get a piece of paper and
draw a line from top to bottom--on one side right something good about him on
the other side right something bad or something that has hurt you. I'm guessing the hurt and the bad will out weigh the good. You have value as a person and you
have to take care of yourself--your feelings will be like a roller coster for awhile but
you will get to the other side--please be good to yourself--prayers and smiles--Dee
draw a line from top to bottom--on one side right something good about him on
the other side right something bad or something that has hurt you. I'm guessing the hurt and the bad will out weigh the good. You have value as a person and you
have to take care of yourself--your feelings will be like a roller coster for awhile but
you will get to the other side--please be good to yourself--prayers and smiles--Dee
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: folkestone, kent
Posts: 25
Dear Katie
As each day passes, you will get stronger. Don't contact him. The relationship would never improve and you will only get more hurt in the process. He's a sick person and won't change his ways to accommodate your happiness or needs. He's selfish and self-centred. Think of yourself as an addict, because basically that's what you are. So think one day at a time and you will get there. I was in a similar situation so I know how you feel and I understand the longing to contact him and get things back together again even though you know it wouldn't ever make you happy. These message boards have helped me enormously and I go to regular Al-anon meetings for support. Read the books Co-dependent No More by Melanie Beattie and The Betrayal Bon by Patrick Carnes. Think of yourself as being in recovery. Hold your head up high, do things that give you that 'feel good factor' such as going for a massage or buying yourself a new outfit. Focus on yourself and your future happiness. My ex returned to his former girlfriend because he knew she was prepared to put up with what I wouldn't and she must be going through hell now. These guys use women, they don't know how to love because they don't love themselves enough. Keep going in the opposite direction to him. Some days you will feel awful and have the urge to contact him, the next day you will be glad you didn't and one day you will stop thinking about him altogether. Give yourself time to heal and resist the temptation to get angry. Do some meditation to relax your mind (Roy Masters meditation technique is a good one - www.fhu.com). Avoid him like the plague otherwise he will take you down with him. You deserve to be treated like a queen, not a doormat. So find someone else who treats you with respect, and don't settle for anything less. In the meantime, love yourself with all your heart.
As each day passes, you will get stronger. Don't contact him. The relationship would never improve and you will only get more hurt in the process. He's a sick person and won't change his ways to accommodate your happiness or needs. He's selfish and self-centred. Think of yourself as an addict, because basically that's what you are. So think one day at a time and you will get there. I was in a similar situation so I know how you feel and I understand the longing to contact him and get things back together again even though you know it wouldn't ever make you happy. These message boards have helped me enormously and I go to regular Al-anon meetings for support. Read the books Co-dependent No More by Melanie Beattie and The Betrayal Bon by Patrick Carnes. Think of yourself as being in recovery. Hold your head up high, do things that give you that 'feel good factor' such as going for a massage or buying yourself a new outfit. Focus on yourself and your future happiness. My ex returned to his former girlfriend because he knew she was prepared to put up with what I wouldn't and she must be going through hell now. These guys use women, they don't know how to love because they don't love themselves enough. Keep going in the opposite direction to him. Some days you will feel awful and have the urge to contact him, the next day you will be glad you didn't and one day you will stop thinking about him altogether. Give yourself time to heal and resist the temptation to get angry. Do some meditation to relax your mind (Roy Masters meditation technique is a good one - www.fhu.com). Avoid him like the plague otherwise he will take you down with him. You deserve to be treated like a queen, not a doormat. So find someone else who treats you with respect, and don't settle for anything less. In the meantime, love yourself with all your heart.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Great Britain
Posts: 138
"Rollercoaster of emotions....of course it's natural to miss the person like mad and want them back, because it's COMFORTABLE!!! But you will just be getting into the same mess over again". You will find him in bed with some one else. He can't be trusted. Want to go through that kind of hurt again??? Know you are thinking about him and wish you were with him. Of course you love him..but come on. Can you really put up with that type behavior? He is treating you like a doormat. Will use you and abuse you. Like so much good advise on here...take care of yourself..be good to yourself. You do deserve to be treated like a Queen...don't settle for second best..from anyone. Thats what you are doing now..and probably don't even realize it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: MN
Posts: 103
I am finding myself in a similar situation right now...I told him last weekend to "get out" I can't handle it any longer.......of course he is still there and we are cordial to each other....Tuesday he actually gave me 300 to go towards bills (hasn't done this since last May) so of course I am thinking "maybe its not so bad" .....I like the piece of paper idea...because yes in my situation I know th ebad would out weigh the good....yet I know there is good there and that is what confuses me! Not all his fault as I have let some of the things occur (not self blame just fact) ...not much advice just what others have told me ..and to let you know you are not alone..TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF...GOD will lead the way!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
((((Katie))))) Everyone here is so clever and right. I just wanted to add that I think psychologically we always tend to remember the good times in relationships. Even the worst of the relationships I have ever been in - even some so far back as college, I always just remember the good times. Our minds seem to overlook the bad, and just allow us to remember the good. Even with parents - my father was an abusive man, but yet I tend to remember the times he was good to me and loved me. That being said - I bet you wouldn't be back with him a week before the bad feelings became unbearable again. stay strong and stay your course. Don't watch anymore videos of him - keep your distance and tell your friends you don't want to talk about him anymore or hear anything about him - make this easy on yourself sweetie. hang in there...I know it's tough
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: St. Paul MN
Posts: 58
You are grieving a relationship, much like when someone dies. This man was a large part of your life and now he is not, just like that. Grieving takes time...there are four stages, something like denial, anger, acceptance...I don't remember them all right off hand. Stay strong and work through the emotions. You don't say in your post but has he tried to contact you? Has he tried to apologize for his behavior? Does he even know that you were there that night? I am guessing no. He is self-centered. Even when they get sober, this one takes a lot of work. My AH can be completely self-centered and it takes him days to figure out his actions and to finally apologize, and he is sober. Imagine when he was drinking! Your a strong and independent woman who doesn't need to settle for squat...take life by the horns and do something that you normally would never do......feel alive again. Life is too short to be "putting up" with things....you are going to get through this and then look back and say, "what the heck was I complaining about!" We have all been there when a relationship ends...it sounds like you have wonderful friends, lean on them that is what they are there for. I also agree that writing a list of the reasons why this slug is out of your life so you can refer to it is a great idea. Do that! Good luck and stand strong. When I read your story, I thought, "What a pig that man is, you deserve a stallion".
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: CA
Posts: 109
Hi
Thanks again guys. I honestly think I am going bats. I put the sugar in the fridge earlier!!! I took the advice. I drew up a good points and bad points about him and you were all right. The bad outweighed the good. If you gave me a piece of paper on with his details I would not want to know the guy yet alone be in a relationship with him.
The other thing I noticed was the majority of the positives were physical qualities and his ability for sport I had admired.
The other thing I realised is yes I am an intelligent woman and I know all of these bad points, but black and white still means nothing to me at the moment. I could have written he was a psycho axe murderer and it would make no difference!! I cannot seem to separate my emotions from my intellect.
Im sure this is true of so many people here. We all all intelligent people, we all know there is an issue else why would we be here on SR??? Yet we all love our partners so dearly.
Im just looking over the list again now. I know he is wrong for me drunk ....but so right sober. I just want to get over this. (((thanks guys)))
Thanks again guys. I honestly think I am going bats. I put the sugar in the fridge earlier!!! I took the advice. I drew up a good points and bad points about him and you were all right. The bad outweighed the good. If you gave me a piece of paper on with his details I would not want to know the guy yet alone be in a relationship with him.
The other thing I noticed was the majority of the positives were physical qualities and his ability for sport I had admired.
The other thing I realised is yes I am an intelligent woman and I know all of these bad points, but black and white still means nothing to me at the moment. I could have written he was a psycho axe murderer and it would make no difference!! I cannot seem to separate my emotions from my intellect.
Im sure this is true of so many people here. We all all intelligent people, we all know there is an issue else why would we be here on SR??? Yet we all love our partners so dearly.
Im just looking over the list again now. I know he is wrong for me drunk ....but so right sober. I just want to get over this. (((thanks guys)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: CA
Posts: 109
When will he learn...
Hi guys
I know I just posted a couple of hours ago but thought Id share this with you as it has made things hit home. My Aunt is A and has drank for as long as I can remember. She had my cousin who is now 12. She remarried but things didnt work out. Well my other aunt has just called.
My little cousin has just found her dead in the bathroom. There has to be a post mortem carried out but it is no doubt alcohol related. She has now left behind a beautiful little girl all alone with no immediate family. Social Services have now taken her away.A is a disease which affects so many people, creates so much pain and tears..... but it is rarely their own. How many tears has he cried over me??..... very few compared to my oceans.
I cant call my (now ex) AB to tell him he will think im telling him to make a point. Its the weekend (peak drinking time) so he wont remember anyway.... just like last weekend and the one before..... but I still cant get over him!!!! AAARRRGGGH why can life be so beautiful but so tough!!!!!
I know I just posted a couple of hours ago but thought Id share this with you as it has made things hit home. My Aunt is A and has drank for as long as I can remember. She had my cousin who is now 12. She remarried but things didnt work out. Well my other aunt has just called.
My little cousin has just found her dead in the bathroom. There has to be a post mortem carried out but it is no doubt alcohol related. She has now left behind a beautiful little girl all alone with no immediate family. Social Services have now taken her away.A is a disease which affects so many people, creates so much pain and tears..... but it is rarely their own. How many tears has he cried over me??..... very few compared to my oceans.
I cant call my (now ex) AB to tell him he will think im telling him to make a point. Its the weekend (peak drinking time) so he wont remember anyway.... just like last weekend and the one before..... but I still cant get over him!!!! AAARRRGGGH why can life be so beautiful but so tough!!!!!
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