Hello
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Somewhere, NY
Posts: 13
Hello
I don't know where to start...this is all so new to me. I have never searched for help except within myself. But I am too weak. I disappoint myself all the time.
I don't want to share my story...I am too ashamed. But I know I need to in order to help myself. I am so paranoid about who's reading this. I don't want anyone to know what I do behind closed doors. I have changed, though not completely. I become someone I don't even know.
I don't know where to begin...so I am starting here, if that's okay. I need help, desperately...but at the same time, I don't want help...does that make any sense?
I don't want to share my story...I am too ashamed. But I know I need to in order to help myself. I am so paranoid about who's reading this. I don't want anyone to know what I do behind closed doors. I have changed, though not completely. I become someone I don't even know.
I don't know where to begin...so I am starting here, if that's okay. I need help, desperately...but at the same time, I don't want help...does that make any sense?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Beaver, WA
Posts: 1,346
(((((((Evil Self))))))))
Welcome to Sober Recovery. Yes, it makes sense. I will see if I can copy and paste a piece here for you that meant a lot to me when I first sought help even though my greatest fear was quite possibly of getting it.
(((((((Evil Self)))))))
3 Legacy
I hope you won't be fooled by me, for I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks that I am afraid to take off - and one of them is me.
I'm likely to give you the impression that I'm secure, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water's calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one. But I hope you won't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth - beneath I dwell in confusion, in fear, in aloneness. But I hide this. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed. That's why I frantically create a mood to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade to shield me from your understanding. But such understanding is my salvation - and I know it!
If I don't keep the mask in front of myself, I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me. So I play the game, my desperate pretending game, with an air of assurance without, and a trembling fear within. And so my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in suave surface tones - I tell you everything that's nothing, and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me. So when I go into my routine, I hope you won't be fooled by what I'm saying. I hope you listen carefully to what I'm NOT saying.
I dislike the superficial, phony game I'm playing. I want your help in doing this. I want you to risk approaching me, even when that's the last thing I seem to want, or need. I want this from you so that I can be alive. Each time you're kind, and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my courage to risk sharing myself with you increases.
I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator of the person that IS me if you choose. But it will not be easy for you. A long conviction of my worthlessness forces me to maintain my distance.
The nearer you approach me, the blinder I may strike back. It's self defeating, but at the time, it seems the safest thing to do. I fight against the very things that I cry out for. But I am told that empathy is stronger than walls, and therein lies my hope. I desperately want you to understand me in spite of my distancing tactics.
Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. I am every man and woman you meet.
Welcome to Sober Recovery. Yes, it makes sense. I will see if I can copy and paste a piece here for you that meant a lot to me when I first sought help even though my greatest fear was quite possibly of getting it.
(((((((Evil Self)))))))
3 Legacy
I WEAR
A
THOUSAND MASKS
by Unsigned
A
THOUSAND MASKS
by Unsigned
I hope you won't be fooled by me, for I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks that I am afraid to take off - and one of them is me.
I'm likely to give you the impression that I'm secure, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water's calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one. But I hope you won't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth - beneath I dwell in confusion, in fear, in aloneness. But I hide this. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed. That's why I frantically create a mood to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade to shield me from your understanding. But such understanding is my salvation - and I know it!
If I don't keep the mask in front of myself, I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me. So I play the game, my desperate pretending game, with an air of assurance without, and a trembling fear within. And so my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in suave surface tones - I tell you everything that's nothing, and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me. So when I go into my routine, I hope you won't be fooled by what I'm saying. I hope you listen carefully to what I'm NOT saying.
I dislike the superficial, phony game I'm playing. I want your help in doing this. I want you to risk approaching me, even when that's the last thing I seem to want, or need. I want this from you so that I can be alive. Each time you're kind, and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my courage to risk sharing myself with you increases.
I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator of the person that IS me if you choose. But it will not be easy for you. A long conviction of my worthlessness forces me to maintain my distance.
The nearer you approach me, the blinder I may strike back. It's self defeating, but at the time, it seems the safest thing to do. I fight against the very things that I cry out for. But I am told that empathy is stronger than walls, and therein lies my hope. I desperately want you to understand me in spite of my distancing tactics.
Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. I am every man and woman you meet.
Learning as I go
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 730
Welcome to Sober Recovery!!! Don't feel ashamed. We all share a bond here. Read the boards and get to know us, and when you're ready you can let us get to know you. Glad you are here, keep coming back.
na4today :na2
na4today :na2
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Our house.
Posts: 816
Welcome to the forum ES. 
I did many crappy things on a daily basis when i was in active addiction and still feel shamed about some of that stuff now. But you know what when we take away the active addiction i am actually a pretty good person getting better all the time.
Really hope you stick around.
Warmest wishes
Evanna.
ps., needing help and not wanting help makes perfect sense to me.
I did many crappy things on a daily basis when i was in active addiction and still feel shamed about some of that stuff now. But you know what when we take away the active addiction i am actually a pretty good person getting better all the time.
Really hope you stick around.
Warmest wishes
Evanna.
ps., needing help and not wanting help makes perfect sense to me.
My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 338
Hugs, ES. Lotsa hugs.
You are anonymous here. New York is a big place. It doesn't matter who reads your shares. We only want to help you.
Helping you helps us.
Please post again here and tell us about yourself. No risk.
Whatta ya got ta lose?
Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.
You are anonymous here. New York is a big place. It doesn't matter who reads your shares. We only want to help you.
Helping you helps us.
Please post again here and tell us about yourself. No risk.
Whatta ya got ta lose?
Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Somewhere, NY
Posts: 13
Wow, I didn't expect to get so many replies. And you guys are so supportive of one another...thank you so much. Reading your words, each and every one of you, means so much to me...more than you'll ever know. Thank you Legacy...Thousand Masks hit me. It actually got me so choked up.
I guess this huuuge secret of mine that no one knows about is eating at me. Just being able to be here and reading everyone's experiences and just maybe being able to actually discuss my experience is making me feel like there is hope.
I always say to myself I can control my life...I am doing what I do because I want to....and I can stop anytime I want. I am sure this is no news to you, but it just feels good to say things that I don't dare say to anyone. Not my close friends, not my family, and certainly not my co-workers. I also think about what would happen if I ever get caught. How I would disappoint so many people....just thinking about it makes me want to cry.
Why do I do this to myself? I've been asking that over and over. I don't understand the need for something that is destroying me and have the potential to destroy everyone around me....
*Sigh* I have been doing cocaine for five years now. There, I said it...my heart is beating so fast right now....please don't think that I am a scum. Please don't think that I am a loser....Oh God, please forgive me for not treating your gift to me, the gift of life to me, like crap. Do you guys still want me around?
I guess this huuuge secret of mine that no one knows about is eating at me. Just being able to be here and reading everyone's experiences and just maybe being able to actually discuss my experience is making me feel like there is hope.
I always say to myself I can control my life...I am doing what I do because I want to....and I can stop anytime I want. I am sure this is no news to you, but it just feels good to say things that I don't dare say to anyone. Not my close friends, not my family, and certainly not my co-workers. I also think about what would happen if I ever get caught. How I would disappoint so many people....just thinking about it makes me want to cry.
Why do I do this to myself? I've been asking that over and over. I don't understand the need for something that is destroying me and have the potential to destroy everyone around me....
*Sigh* I have been doing cocaine for five years now. There, I said it...my heart is beating so fast right now....please don't think that I am a scum. Please don't think that I am a loser....Oh God, please forgive me for not treating your gift to me, the gift of life to me, like crap. Do you guys still want me around?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
Evil Self,
Welcome! I'm Anna, alcoholic and you are in exactly the right place to find support and encouragement. I think that talking with other addicts will help you to realize that you are a worthwhile person who has a problem. You are not a loser or an evil person. I do understand the feelings you have of keeping your problem to yourself. I wanted to do the same thing but it didn't help me to get better. It was becoming aware that there were others out there who were the same as me. And, not only that, but they had learned to live a sober life. It gave me hope. You must have hope too.
Love, Anna
Welcome! I'm Anna, alcoholic and you are in exactly the right place to find support and encouragement. I think that talking with other addicts will help you to realize that you are a worthwhile person who has a problem. You are not a loser or an evil person. I do understand the feelings you have of keeping your problem to yourself. I wanted to do the same thing but it didn't help me to get better. It was becoming aware that there were others out there who were the same as me. And, not only that, but they had learned to live a sober life. It gave me hope. You must have hope too.
Love, Anna
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: God's Grace
Posts: 689
Hello Evil Self! Just wanted to welcom you to Sober Recovery. I'm an alcoholic, but I consider alcohol just another drug. Don't be ashamed. Your not a loser. Yes we do want you here! We need all the help we can to stay clean/sober You are taking a big step by coming out and sharing with us here. Congrats! Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
Do we want you around? OF COURSE! We're all here because we've all done, in one way or another, exactly what you've done/are doing. The drugs of choice might vary (mine is alcohol), but the behaviors and feelings certainly do not. We are all in this together, and we are not here to cast stones at one another - who among us is an innocent? We want to help you because helping others helps us. God knows the folks in here have lifted me up more than once as I continue to struggle.
Congratulations on your courage in saying "out loud" something that has been eating you alive - in more ways than one - for such a long time. Now the work begins, but we're here for you.
Keep coming back.
take care,
anne
Congratulations on your courage in saying "out loud" something that has been eating you alive - in more ways than one - for such a long time. Now the work begins, but we're here for you.
Keep coming back.
take care,
anne
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by Evil Self
Why do I do this to myself? I've been asking that over and over. I don't understand the need for something that is destroying me and have the potential to destroy everyone around me....
Can I tell you something? I never understood it either, while I was doing the drugs. And I did most of them. How could I need these poisons?
My pattern through the years has been to get to a place where my life became so unmanageable because of my using a particular substance that I'd usually just quit cold turkey, suffer the horrible body breaking withdrawal, get well, and then move on to the next item on the menu. My last gig was alcohol. Figured I had beat cocaine and opiates and all the rest of the so called hard drugs, how could I possibly get in trouble with the drink?
This is what I've come to understand. I never needed any of that stuff. What really happened is that I became addicted to these various substances.
And addiction takes us down some pretty dark hallways.
You better stick around. I need to hear what you're going through. And should you care to hear how I've stayed clean and sober for a little while now, I'll be more than happy to share that with you. I need to do that too.
But only if you want to listen.
I'm happy you came in, and I'm glad that you're here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Beaver, WA
Posts: 1,346
((((((((((Evil Self)))))))))
NO! No we don't want you around! We want you around more often! PERIOD!
LOL Glad to hear you never did prison time or some of the other stuff many of us had to do before we woke up to our problem. PHEWWWWW!!!!!! LOL
(((((((((Evil Self))))))))) You're not as unique as you think you are. Good to have another friend to visit with. Have you figured out how to get into the chatroom for a visit or meeting yet?
3 Legacy
NO! No we don't want you around! We want you around more often! PERIOD!
LOL Glad to hear you never did prison time or some of the other stuff many of us had to do before we woke up to our problem. PHEWWWWW!!!!!! LOL
(((((((((Evil Self))))))))) You're not as unique as you think you are. Good to have another friend to visit with. Have you figured out how to get into the chatroom for a visit or meeting yet?
3 Legacy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 398
Evil Self,
YOU ARE A WINNER! :hoo
That's right, my friend, you are a winner. You want to know why? Because you posted on this forum and, though you felt uncomfortable doing so, shared with us something that you have never shared with anyone else.
You are a winner!
I really admire you for being able to do what you did. Please keep posting. And don't be afraid to ask for help. There are plenty of recovery groups that provide a sense of community with others who feel exactly the way you do.
Evil Self -- congratulations on being able to share.
I am ChrisMan, recovering addict, and happy to welcome you to SR!
YOU ARE A WINNER! :hoo
That's right, my friend, you are a winner. You want to know why? Because you posted on this forum and, though you felt uncomfortable doing so, shared with us something that you have never shared with anyone else.
You are a winner!
I really admire you for being able to do what you did. Please keep posting. And don't be afraid to ask for help. There are plenty of recovery groups that provide a sense of community with others who feel exactly the way you do.
Evil Self -- congratulations on being able to share.
I am ChrisMan, recovering addict, and happy to welcome you to SR!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Somewhere, NY
Posts: 13
You guys are amazing!!!! You guys made me feel like a person even after I've revealed my evil self.
Chatroom? No, I don't know how to get into the chatroom or when I should be in there. I will look around some more and find out.
I will definitely come in here often to read and post. I am very much interested in reading and learning about everyone here.
I can't believe you guys really understand how I feel...it just blows my mind. Everytime I read a post from someone here, it makes me cry...because I feel like I am reading about me in a way. I mean the situations vary, but the feelings that we go through...I can really relate in one way or another. I am faaar from saying that I am clean or I have recovered. I just need to take a step at a time...I want to congratulate you guys for beating or working towards beating these horrible and difficult addictions.
I hope someday, I can say that I've been clean for a year, two, three....seven...ten!
Chatroom? No, I don't know how to get into the chatroom or when I should be in there. I will look around some more and find out.
I will definitely come in here often to read and post. I am very much interested in reading and learning about everyone here.
I can't believe you guys really understand how I feel...it just blows my mind. Everytime I read a post from someone here, it makes me cry...because I feel like I am reading about me in a way. I mean the situations vary, but the feelings that we go through...I can really relate in one way or another. I am faaar from saying that I am clean or I have recovered. I just need to take a step at a time...I want to congratulate you guys for beating or working towards beating these horrible and difficult addictions.
I hope someday, I can say that I've been clean for a year, two, three....seven...ten!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by Evil Self
Everytime I read a post from someone here, it makes me cry...because I feel like I am reading about me in a way.
We're not recovered.
We're recovering. And you can too.
Whoever got up earliest this morning has the most sober time.
Yesterday is yesterday. Today is what matters.
So, no worries eh... You know that chair in the corner has your name on it now.
Keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 131
EvilSelf,
WELCOME!!! Always remember that no one here thinks badly of you. We are so so SO glad you're here, and hope we can be the group of people you can feel comfortable sharing with. There's a lot to be said for admitting your sins to people you've never seen in person :-).
My thoughts are with you!
WELCOME!!! Always remember that no one here thinks badly of you. We are so so SO glad you're here, and hope we can be the group of people you can feel comfortable sharing with. There's a lot to be said for admitting your sins to people you've never seen in person :-).
My thoughts are with you!
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