For those who choose to stay
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For those who choose to stay
I know that some of the people here have choosen to stay in thier relationships. I know that they have found a way to be happy.
I think it is great when this happens, if it is what both people want. But I have some questions about it.......
Do you feel alone? With mine I feel alone all the time, like a single parent. I see him sitting on the couch not doing anything and it hurts. I think this isn't what marriage is suppose to be like. I know there is someone out there that will be able to give in a relationship, am I missing out?
I guess one of the main reasons someone stays is that thier partner treats them well. I guess that's what I don't understand because mine doesn't, I'm sure that is a huge part of making the decision to stay right?
Sometimes these things sound better in my mind, then they do when I start typing. So if I sound wierd, it's cuz I am.
I think it is great when this happens, if it is what both people want. But I have some questions about it.......
Do you feel alone? With mine I feel alone all the time, like a single parent. I see him sitting on the couch not doing anything and it hurts. I think this isn't what marriage is suppose to be like. I know there is someone out there that will be able to give in a relationship, am I missing out?
I guess one of the main reasons someone stays is that thier partner treats them well. I guess that's what I don't understand because mine doesn't, I'm sure that is a huge part of making the decision to stay right?
Sometimes these things sound better in my mind, then they do when I start typing. So if I sound wierd, it's cuz I am.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
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queen - we don't think you are weird! i think each situation has so many variables it really is a personal thing. i know my situation has changed for the worse in the past few years. it used to be i felt there was more good than bad - but the scales are tipping the other way now.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: State of indecision
Posts: 25
How dare any of us judge another...we each need to cope with our situation in our own way.
I've stayed. I love my husband. He is a good man and the good times usually outweigh the bad ones.
I do, very often, feel alone. Not physically, because he is always around, but emotionally. I can't share and trust the way I should be able to with my spouse.
Still, sometimes I wonder if I'm selling myself short. Would I be happier alone or in a different relationship? Would I be less guarded? More peaceful? I just don't know.
I've stayed. I love my husband. He is a good man and the good times usually outweigh the bad ones.
I do, very often, feel alone. Not physically, because he is always around, but emotionally. I can't share and trust the way I should be able to with my spouse.
Still, sometimes I wonder if I'm selling myself short. Would I be happier alone or in a different relationship? Would I be less guarded? More peaceful? I just don't know.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: State of indecision
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Oh no, I didn't mean that! I was referring to the OP claiming that she might sound weird. I hate the idea of people not posting because of how it might come off. Sometimes we need to ramble a bit to get to our point.
Sorry that I didn't explain myself better. Carry on.
Sorry that I didn't explain myself better. Carry on.
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I dont think that you came across that way mindi.....I myself wonder the same things often........
The healthier that I become, the more aware i am of my unhealthy surrounding. Each situation is different.......I want to be in a relationship where it is more of a partnership than a mother to a grown man.........
when mine treats me good, I wonder what is going on, or what he wants.......I dont know what it is like to have someone treat me good.
I thought for so long this is the way it was suppose to be.........because of how emotionally sick that I was......the healthier I become the more I see this is not the way it is suppose to be........
As you know, this is one of my struggles.........I do everything alone.....I have decided to accept that for now........I am trying to make the most of it......it does get to me, but it was harder to get him involved and motivated to participate that it ruined any chance of a good time that I had to enjoy myself........
The healthier that I become, the more aware i am of my unhealthy surrounding. Each situation is different.......I want to be in a relationship where it is more of a partnership than a mother to a grown man.........
when mine treats me good, I wonder what is going on, or what he wants.......I dont know what it is like to have someone treat me good.
I thought for so long this is the way it was suppose to be.........because of how emotionally sick that I was......the healthier I become the more I see this is not the way it is suppose to be........
As you know, this is one of my struggles.........I do everything alone.....I have decided to accept that for now........I am trying to make the most of it......it does get to me, but it was harder to get him involved and motivated to participate that it ruined any chance of a good time that I had to enjoy myself........
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[QUOTE]when mine treats me good, I wonder what is going on, or what he wants.......I dont know what it is like to have someone treat me good.[QUOTE]
Isn't that so sad. That's why we have to treat ourselves good. huh?
Isn't that so sad. That's why we have to treat ourselves good. huh?
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heck yea................and I feel like celebrating............I just overcame a big hump.........I made the phone call..........I am officially a nine to five, instead of 7:30 to 4:00 whewwwwwwwwwwwww heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee hooooooooooooooo
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Join Date: May 2004
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Well, maybe I shouldn't be replying in this post as after 15 1/2 years, I no longer could stay with my AH. However, I will not forget how my life was and the person that I had become - because I don't want to forget. I don't want to forget because it will keep me from ever going there again. Despite those that say to forget it and move on....however, I'm getting off the intended topic.
There were times that I was happy. But in hindsite, I realize that it was a "settled" kind of happy. I was living in my world of denial and chose to be happy. I learned to settle for how things were and "thought" I'd found a sense of happiness. In reality, I wasn't happy. And for the most part, I remember NOT being happy.
Was I lonely!? OMG, yes!!!!! I used to make comments like, "being married to myself" and how "I"m the only person I know that is married and is still so alone". Of course, AH never grasped what I was saying!
I can't say that I stayed in my marriage because he treated me well. There were many times over the years that my reasons seemed to change as to why I stayed. But looking back now with a much clearer head, I'd have to say the reasons really were all the same. Blunt and to the point - the truth is that I felt that I didn't deserve better. I believed somehow that if I had been a better person, a better wife, etc. than he would treat me better. I felt like a failure and I had no self-esteem whatsoever!!!!! I stayed because I thought I deserved to be treated like that.
There were times that I was happy. But in hindsite, I realize that it was a "settled" kind of happy. I was living in my world of denial and chose to be happy. I learned to settle for how things were and "thought" I'd found a sense of happiness. In reality, I wasn't happy. And for the most part, I remember NOT being happy.
Was I lonely!? OMG, yes!!!!! I used to make comments like, "being married to myself" and how "I"m the only person I know that is married and is still so alone". Of course, AH never grasped what I was saying!
I can't say that I stayed in my marriage because he treated me well. There were many times over the years that my reasons seemed to change as to why I stayed. But looking back now with a much clearer head, I'd have to say the reasons really were all the same. Blunt and to the point - the truth is that I felt that I didn't deserve better. I believed somehow that if I had been a better person, a better wife, etc. than he would treat me better. I felt like a failure and I had no self-esteem whatsoever!!!!! I stayed because I thought I deserved to be treated like that.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: folkestone, kent
Posts: 25
I felt lonely all the time in my relationship with my ex-A. For two years, I was glued to the phone. He could hardly ever see me because of his 'illness'. When I did get to see him, he hit me and abused me, but I was so 'grateful' to be spending time with 'it', I overlooked the fact that he was abusing me. How sick is that! When he eventually moved in with me, I spent most of the time sleeping on my own and sitting on my own whilst he was asleep. It was shift work. I took a job abroad and left him in my home for four months, hoping that he would get better by the time I got back. I wasn't a bit lonely on my own in a foreign country, made loads of friends and socialised and was busy with my job but the night I got home, after a brief peck on the cheek, he slept on the sofa and I was alone again. Nine days later, I kicked him out and that was the best move I ever made. Still on my own, but not lonely.
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
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I'm with SS - I was happy, but it was a settled happy. I complained about my life with him all the time. Somehow, I erased how miserable I was. But that only lasted so long - being on Prozac really helped too.
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I have been lonely for almost 13 years now. I wish I would have started to see things the way I do now about 13 1/2 years ago. I am also just settled. I know I deserve better, but the thing I can't get over is feeling bad for him. ARGH!!!!!!
Mindi
Mindi
Jeri N
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Abita Springs, LA
Posts: 24
Hi all,
I still feel bad for him, too. I think it's because I really do "love" him. It's easy to love those who are doing what you want, or cooperating with your plans. It's much harder to love someone who doesn't even love himself. My enemy right now is not my husband, it's this stinking disease! But I have made a choice to leave him (his disease) to it's natural consequences. One of them being this marriage, finally. I say those words that I never thought "I" would say. I was in it, good or bad, better or worse. I have all of the grounds in the world to divorce him, but I kept waiting for the miracle. They always say "Don't quit before the miracle", you know. Now I really I was almost ready to quit before my miracle. I still hope for him. I still pray for him. I still cry for him. He is missing his life entirely. His children most of all. I grieve for the idea of what our life "sober" would be, I grieve for my girls, I grieve for the person that I truly believe is in there beyond that addiction. I grieve, but I move on today. Knowing that is his journey, no longer mine. My AH treated me very well on the surface. Cooking dinner, picking up the kids, rubbing my feet, putting toothpaste on my toothbrush, cleaning house sometimes...but always loaded. And I was always feeling just as you all described "SO ALONE". Even in a room full of people. I carried this awful burden, this terrible secret - - while others thought they wanted what we had as a couple. I learned that he had been very passive/aggressive in hurting me. He was very frugal with the family, but very generous with his addiction and other bad behaviors (affairs). He was good at telling me how he hated to see me so unhappy and that maybe I needed antidepressants. I remember vacations when I stared out of the window of the car with tears streaming down my face thinking "what is wrong with me, why can't I just be happy". I remember being so depressed when my children were born, knowing he was so loaded while I was having them. Depressed when family members died, he could never support me. I was so very out of touch with myself, I know I was on the verge of breakdown many times. I still look at him sometimes and think how I miss his touch or miss his presence, but truth be told my life is so much more peaceful. The pink elephant in the living room has moved to someone else's living room and I am glad. I am glad I am no longer participating in his slow death. I am glad that I can be politely kind to him without expecting anything. And when I feel myself sinking I can reach out to the program, these groups and most of all God who is my Higher Power. I want to reach another place in life. I don't regret I stayed so much anymore, because I think it was what I had to do. I wouldn't have accepted any less of myself. I had to try until I couldn't try any more. Now I have Let It Go and it feels good most of the time. When I try to take it back I ask for God's help, His intervention and His care over me. Better to save 3 lives (mine and the girls) than to save none at all and today I want to Let Him.
Thanks
I still feel bad for him, too. I think it's because I really do "love" him. It's easy to love those who are doing what you want, or cooperating with your plans. It's much harder to love someone who doesn't even love himself. My enemy right now is not my husband, it's this stinking disease! But I have made a choice to leave him (his disease) to it's natural consequences. One of them being this marriage, finally. I say those words that I never thought "I" would say. I was in it, good or bad, better or worse. I have all of the grounds in the world to divorce him, but I kept waiting for the miracle. They always say "Don't quit before the miracle", you know. Now I really I was almost ready to quit before my miracle. I still hope for him. I still pray for him. I still cry for him. He is missing his life entirely. His children most of all. I grieve for the idea of what our life "sober" would be, I grieve for my girls, I grieve for the person that I truly believe is in there beyond that addiction. I grieve, but I move on today. Knowing that is his journey, no longer mine. My AH treated me very well on the surface. Cooking dinner, picking up the kids, rubbing my feet, putting toothpaste on my toothbrush, cleaning house sometimes...but always loaded. And I was always feeling just as you all described "SO ALONE". Even in a room full of people. I carried this awful burden, this terrible secret - - while others thought they wanted what we had as a couple. I learned that he had been very passive/aggressive in hurting me. He was very frugal with the family, but very generous with his addiction and other bad behaviors (affairs). He was good at telling me how he hated to see me so unhappy and that maybe I needed antidepressants. I remember vacations when I stared out of the window of the car with tears streaming down my face thinking "what is wrong with me, why can't I just be happy". I remember being so depressed when my children were born, knowing he was so loaded while I was having them. Depressed when family members died, he could never support me. I was so very out of touch with myself, I know I was on the verge of breakdown many times. I still look at him sometimes and think how I miss his touch or miss his presence, but truth be told my life is so much more peaceful. The pink elephant in the living room has moved to someone else's living room and I am glad. I am glad I am no longer participating in his slow death. I am glad that I can be politely kind to him without expecting anything. And when I feel myself sinking I can reach out to the program, these groups and most of all God who is my Higher Power. I want to reach another place in life. I don't regret I stayed so much anymore, because I think it was what I had to do. I wouldn't have accepted any less of myself. I had to try until I couldn't try any more. Now I have Let It Go and it feels good most of the time. When I try to take it back I ask for God's help, His intervention and His care over me. Better to save 3 lives (mine and the girls) than to save none at all and today I want to Let Him.
Thanks
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
ami, ditto ditto ditto.... wow, i could have written almost your entire post, but not nearly as well or eloquently as you did. That is EXACTLY how I feel. I stayed with my AH for 16 years, because I KNEW in my heart that wonderful man was in there somewhere, and just KNEW that God would perform a miracle and heal him. But, God's timing isn't always what I want it to be. And, I finally decided to let God deal with my AH, and I needed to step out of the way, as I was always getting in God's way.
But, back to the original question...
Yes, I have also felt alone. Felt like a single parent 80% of the time - although, now that i have been a single parent for 16 weeks, i don't feel nearly as alone/lonely as I did before.
It's not that my AH treated me well, he really didn't "treat" me at all. Like you said, he was just "there." His body was present but mind and spirit were gone, especially in the last several years.
I probably shouldn't have responded to this, because although I did live with it for 16 years, it hasn't really been happy. There have been some happy times. There have been many more unhappy times. But most of the time was just living, no happiness or unhappiness. And, I don't want to do that anymore.
I don't know how someone can be truly happy living with an active addict spouse who has progressed pretty far in their disease. Someone else will have to answer that question.
But, back to the original question...
Originally Posted by queenofthehwy
Do you feel alone? With mine I feel alone all the time, like a single parent. I see him sitting on the couch not doing anything and it hurts. I think this isn't what marriage is suppose to be like. I know there is someone out there that will be able to give in a relationship, am I missing out?
I guess one of the main reasons someone stays is that thier partner treats them well. I guess that's what I don't understand because mine doesn't, I'm sure that is a huge part of making the decision to stay right?
I guess one of the main reasons someone stays is that thier partner treats them well. I guess that's what I don't understand because mine doesn't, I'm sure that is a huge part of making the decision to stay right?
It's not that my AH treated me well, he really didn't "treat" me at all. Like you said, he was just "there." His body was present but mind and spirit were gone, especially in the last several years.
I probably shouldn't have responded to this, because although I did live with it for 16 years, it hasn't really been happy. There have been some happy times. There have been many more unhappy times. But most of the time was just living, no happiness or unhappiness. And, I don't want to do that anymore.
I don't know how someone can be truly happy living with an active addict spouse who has progressed pretty far in their disease. Someone else will have to answer that question.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 146
I stay because he does treat me well and because (and I know this will sound a bit crazy) he has taught me a lot and because I love him. He's made me see things about myself which I would never have seen if I hadn't been with him. I feel so much stronger because of him believe it or not - I have set boundaries which he respects - he certainly doesn't like some of them but he respects them and he tries to understand them. That's the thing I think - he does try to understand.
I don't feel alone because I'm very comfortable doing my own thing anyway (spoiled only child syndrome!!
). I think it's significant to point out that we don't have children - it seems to me that it makes a real difference having children in the home when one of the parents is an alcoholic because parenting is such a big job which requires the strength of two people.
Thanks for the thread Queenie - you're not wierd!
I don't feel alone because I'm very comfortable doing my own thing anyway (spoiled only child syndrome!!
). I think it's significant to point out that we don't have children - it seems to me that it makes a real difference having children in the home when one of the parents is an alcoholic because parenting is such a big job which requires the strength of two people.Thanks for the thread Queenie - you're not wierd!
See my horse, Angel!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Land of Cheese
Posts: 45
Why I stay?
I ask myself that alot. I can't imagine my life with out him to be honest. I love him with all my heart. Besides his drinking he is the most wonderful man I could ask for. I really don't think I could find a better person to share my life with (besides the drinking of course).
I have been with him for 11 yrs, married almost 10. I have gone through such a merry go round of emotions. :mad Have reacted with rage, threats of leaving, guilt, on and on. You know how that goes. Till recently I am not sure if this is good or bad and would love opinions on it. I have just given in. He is the kind of drinker where he will be sober for weeks or even months, then relapse.
I used to get crazy when he relapsed. But after so much thought, I know now that I don't want to leave him (now anyway). So I shouldn't threaten to leave. By getting so upset I was making myself very sick. So now when he relapses I don't say anything, no fighting.
Part of me has so much built up anger for what he has done to us, and what we are now going though due to his problem. But another part of me feels sorry for him. I can see the guilt and sadness in him, for what he has done. It must be so painful to walk around with that. But I too am walking around with alot.
Does any of this make any sense?
I have been with him for 11 yrs, married almost 10. I have gone through such a merry go round of emotions. :mad Have reacted with rage, threats of leaving, guilt, on and on. You know how that goes. Till recently I am not sure if this is good or bad and would love opinions on it. I have just given in. He is the kind of drinker where he will be sober for weeks or even months, then relapse.
I used to get crazy when he relapsed. But after so much thought, I know now that I don't want to leave him (now anyway). So I shouldn't threaten to leave. By getting so upset I was making myself very sick. So now when he relapses I don't say anything, no fighting.
Part of me has so much built up anger for what he has done to us, and what we are now going though due to his problem. But another part of me feels sorry for him. I can see the guilt and sadness in him, for what he has done. It must be so painful to walk around with that. But I too am walking around with alot.
Does any of this make any sense?
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