park_

Hello,

This is my first post. Ive been around reading for a while but never posted.

Where should I begin? I ll start off by saying I am full of guilt and shame.

My father died Jan 2004. He was in recovery 6 months short of 20 years before he passed away.

During his recovery he always worked two jobs to make ends meet. This still didn’t prevent him from going into debt.

I could go on and on about growing up without heat and food. Growing up being evicted from places because he would drink and gamble all the money away.

I myself probably have a drinking problem. I often drink to black outs. I ve done all the usual switching of the drinks in order to find one that “works”.

My older sister has a drinking problem and my younger brother has been in and out of jail for drugs and booze.

Now my poor mother. She isnt educated and works as a cook. She is doing everything she can to make it. Her house is always cold. She never has nice clothes or anything else nice. My mom’s auto insurance got canceled...she is having such a hard time making it. She seems happy...or is this just a front.

Now the issue. Me, I ve done ok for myself for what I ve been through. I went into the service, paid my way through school and got a pretty good job. I have a newly built home in a nice part of town. Lots of food and heat. Don’t get me wrong I am not rich but I don’t have to worry.

This is why I m feeling so guilty. Here I am living a nice life and everyone in my family is struggling. I feel so bad to be able to sit here doing so much better. I cant enjoy what I have because I feel guilty for having stuff when nobody else in my famliy has anything. My conscience is kicking my ass.

Oh and this isnt even the tip of the iceberg. In my past (15 years ago when I was 18) I was abusive to women. I am always feeling ****** about myself for what I have done. I cant get the feeling of guilt, shame and embarrassment out of my soul.

What should I do?

chinalee78

Hi Park,

I am pretty new to this forum, and I don't have too much great advice for you, but I think that you broke through a huge barrier by reaching out. I just wanted to give you a response and guarantee you that others will be responding soon, and they will be very helpful.

My biggest suggestion is that you start reading up on the issues that you are facing. I am currently reading about 5 different books about Adult Children of Alcoholics, Alanon, and others. Just reading things that you never thought anyone would understand is a huge help.

I'm in a similar situation as you, living much better than my family, the guilt, the helpless mom. My alcoholic dad is still alive, but is slowly killing himself, alone. My sister's on assistance with two kids, utilities getting turned off all the time. My mom, one of the smartest women I've ever known, is a cashier at Walmart for minimum wage, living in her deceased father's house which is probably condemnable. A couple weeks ago, when it was really cold, she didn't even call me to let me know that her heat was off. She slept in that house and it got down into the 30's inside (10 outside).

Now I'm just rambling. I hope you find this place comforting and beneficial. I kind of see it as a diary that talks back! Good luck.

nocellphone

Welcome, park...

I've heard many people tell a similar story. Those people all called themselves "alcoholics". Some of them sought recovery in AA. Those who did found ways to let go of that guilt and shame.

That certainly qualifies you for a seat in Al-Anon.

Or it's the booze. If you were to stop drinking, your conscience might quiet down some.

And, apparently, even for things you haven't done. Where is the shame in doing well financially, unless you've hurt someone to get what you have?

Neither could I or anyone else I know until they found a program of recovery suited to their particular problem and went into it with an open mind and heart. As I see it, AA, Al-Anon and all the rest are lifesavers floating in a stormy sea. If you're drowning, what better time to grab hold of one and start getting back your ability to enjoy life?!?

I hope this helps.

Peace!

Peter

There's no "probably" about it.If you frequently drink to the point of blacking out and are resorting to the ol' "switching drink" trick to find some kind of control then it is highly likely that you have a drinking problem.

The first thing you need to do is get sober.Find a programme of recovery that you think might help you and committ to it.(AA for instance).

Welcome to the forums Park.

Guilt and shame are classic symptoms of Acoa's that have their roots far back in our origins so simply telling you that "You should not feel guilty about your success" may not have much impact on you.

The first course of dealing with it is through knowledge and therapy.

Guilt and shame is complex in it's evoloution and may have resultd from your experiences as a child.

Dysfunction in my childhood led me to believe that I was an "unworthy" child undeserving of anything good.So when good things happened to me I felt like I did not deserve it.

I grew up with younger siblings and as the older child I was always told that it was my responsibility to look after them.It took me a while to figure out that when these people became adults I was no longer responsible for them.

It is normal for us to feel empathy for the people we love and care about but feeling responsible for their suffering is not your job.

Deal with your own issues first and do what you can to help your family.

Guilt is a destructive emotion that will deteriorate the quality of your own life.