Questions from a newbie
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
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Questions from a newbie
I'm glad I found this site. There're so many inspirational messages... I think I've learned something from all of you, and will continue to learn. There have been some questions in my mind though... can you shed some light for me?
How should I react if I know my husband has been drinking, but he insists he hasn't, and expects me to have dinner with him with a happy smile on my face. Otherwise he's going to complain and tell me I ruined the dinner. It's been the case so many times. My husband is a "semi-recovering" alcoholic. He has hit his bottom. He's been to treatment centers before. He does want to stop. But so far he could never make it for more than a week. It's not as bad as several months ago, but it just hurts me so much seeing him just hanging on, looking at me with his dreamy eyes and a stupid smile. And when he drinks, he would deny and even give me an emotional speech about how he can't drink and how hard he's been fighting for it. If i tell him, or act in the way that i don't believe him, he would call me a bitch.
How would you feel when you know your loved one keeps lying to you? even though you know he's just lying under the effect of the alcohol?
How should I react if I know my husband has been drinking, but he insists he hasn't, and expects me to have dinner with him with a happy smile on my face. Otherwise he's going to complain and tell me I ruined the dinner. It's been the case so many times. My husband is a "semi-recovering" alcoholic. He has hit his bottom. He's been to treatment centers before. He does want to stop. But so far he could never make it for more than a week. It's not as bad as several months ago, but it just hurts me so much seeing him just hanging on, looking at me with his dreamy eyes and a stupid smile. And when he drinks, he would deny and even give me an emotional speech about how he can't drink and how hard he's been fighting for it. If i tell him, or act in the way that i don't believe him, he would call me a bitch.
How would you feel when you know your loved one keeps lying to you? even though you know he's just lying under the effect of the alcohol?
Barely There
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Adelaide Sa
Posts: 39
Hey Why
I can relate to the feelings of hurt, betrayal and anger when an AH lies to you about the drinking. Mine is "trying" again but I am now so paranoid because of all his past deceptions that I always think he is lying.
I think I get so sensitive about it (and this may not be so for you) because I feel I have been taken for a fool so many times that I don't want to be made a fool of again. Now I just tell myself that if he lies to me the only one who is being foolish is him and no matter how much he lies eventually he will be so bad there will be no denying it anymore.
Calling you names and making you feel bad for asking may just be a transference of guilt on his behalf. But he must also understand where you have been before and try to acknowledge that being honest is part of his recovery. Unfortunately they only seem to have one thing on their mind and in my case he thinks "I can have one or two or three and then stop and she will never know" - from there it usually deteriorates pretty quickly.
All the best and try not to let his guilty taunts dampen your spirit and beautiful self. Stay alert and believe in your convictions - after all if you are wrong you can always apologise!
Audrey.
I can relate to the feelings of hurt, betrayal and anger when an AH lies to you about the drinking. Mine is "trying" again but I am now so paranoid because of all his past deceptions that I always think he is lying.
I think I get so sensitive about it (and this may not be so for you) because I feel I have been taken for a fool so many times that I don't want to be made a fool of again. Now I just tell myself that if he lies to me the only one who is being foolish is him and no matter how much he lies eventually he will be so bad there will be no denying it anymore.
Calling you names and making you feel bad for asking may just be a transference of guilt on his behalf. But he must also understand where you have been before and try to acknowledge that being honest is part of his recovery. Unfortunately they only seem to have one thing on their mind and in my case he thinks "I can have one or two or three and then stop and she will never know" - from there it usually deteriorates pretty quickly.
All the best and try not to let his guilty taunts dampen your spirit and beautiful self. Stay alert and believe in your convictions - after all if you are wrong you can always apologise!
Audrey.
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I have learned not to even ask anymore if he has been drinking or not...........I know, I dont have to ask.
So I have decided not to ask at all.........I figure this way, I have not part in it at all. I know in my head that his decision to drink has nothing to do with me..........
When I have asked in the past, it has just caused me frustration and him alot of guilt. For him to not feel as guilty, he start to make excuses, he will always switch around on me like I did something wrong to redirect the guilt he has.....to make me feel guilty to take the issue off of him and put it on me........
I jumped out of that game he plays, I am happier and try to keep busy doing other things........I dont need to let him know I am right, he already knows it.......I dont need to make him feel guilty, he already does........
So I have decided not to ask at all.........I figure this way, I have not part in it at all. I know in my head that his decision to drink has nothing to do with me..........
When I have asked in the past, it has just caused me frustration and him alot of guilt. For him to not feel as guilty, he start to make excuses, he will always switch around on me like I did something wrong to redirect the guilt he has.....to make me feel guilty to take the issue off of him and put it on me........
I jumped out of that game he plays, I am happier and try to keep busy doing other things........I dont need to let him know I am right, he already knows it.......I dont need to make him feel guilty, he already does........
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
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More questions
Thank you so much for your replies. Today, when i came home I noticed my husband had been drinking again. He's not being nasty or anything. Actually he's trying so hard to act normal. But of course, there's no way he can hide it when he has been drinking. Anyway, instead of showing him a disappointed look on my face and letting the tears build up in my eyes (which I have always done), I kept telling myself to stay calm.
I managed to smile to him and talk to him for the rest of the evening.... I kept reminding myself of all the things I've learned from this board.... I do feel so much better than I did most other nights.
I don't know if I've done the right thing though. By pretending everything is alright, am I enabling him in some way? When you know the alcoholic has been drinking but he's trying to be nice, would you stay with him and try to have a good time or walk away and ignore him?
Did I do the right thing or the wrong thing this evening? Please tell me?
I managed to smile to him and talk to him for the rest of the evening.... I kept reminding myself of all the things I've learned from this board.... I do feel so much better than I did most other nights.
I don't know if I've done the right thing though. By pretending everything is alright, am I enabling him in some way? When you know the alcoholic has been drinking but he's trying to be nice, would you stay with him and try to have a good time or walk away and ignore him?
Did I do the right thing or the wrong thing this evening? Please tell me?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
Posts: 3
May I ask ...
May I ask another question?
Is it OK to talk to him about his drinking problem in the morning when he's sober? I feel like trying to encourage him to try harder for the day..... or should I shut up forever?
Is it OK to talk to him about his drinking problem in the morning when he's sober? I feel like trying to encourage him to try harder for the day..... or should I shut up forever?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
why - a the million dollar questions a lot of us have asked when we first came here. he knows when he has been drinking and the guilt is there or they would not react so negatively when we have confronted them. he will try harder only when and if he is ready to. it's his ballgame. you may want to think about boundaries. there are some stickies about this i believe. what you can live with. others will probably share much more than i can give - i have only been on the board & al-anon for about 6 months.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: canada
Posts: 72
you're not alone
the road to recovery is very long and frustrating. I have also found comfort in reading the posts on these boards. And I have learned a lot! Read the 'sticky' posts at the top of the posts in the forum. They are very helpful.
One of the best sticky's I read talked about how we should go on with our lives and basically pretend nothing is wrong. I can't remember which sticky it was, so I'll just tell you what I interpreted it to say. Basically it said, he's going to do what he's going to do. No amount of crying, begging, pleading, yelling, or screaming from me will stop him from drinking. However, I can control my life and my reactions. I try not to do all those things anymore. I try to make my home a happy place (yes, it feels really fake sometimes). I try not to give him any excuses. I used to freak out that he was going to drink, and then later he would say 'well, I had to go out and drink cause you made me'. Now he can't use that excuse anymore.
Life will go on, with him sober or not. He's starting to see that. Instead of moping around the house all weekend because he's on a binge, I do fun things with the kids. He's starting to realize that he's missing out on a lot of fun. Who knows if that will keep him sober, but at least I'm happy (most of the time
One of the best sticky's I read talked about how we should go on with our lives and basically pretend nothing is wrong. I can't remember which sticky it was, so I'll just tell you what I interpreted it to say. Basically it said, he's going to do what he's going to do. No amount of crying, begging, pleading, yelling, or screaming from me will stop him from drinking. However, I can control my life and my reactions. I try not to do all those things anymore. I try to make my home a happy place (yes, it feels really fake sometimes). I try not to give him any excuses. I used to freak out that he was going to drink, and then later he would say 'well, I had to go out and drink cause you made me'. Now he can't use that excuse anymore.
Life will go on, with him sober or not. He's starting to see that. Instead of moping around the house all weekend because he's on a binge, I do fun things with the kids. He's starting to realize that he's missing out on a lot of fun. Who knows if that will keep him sober, but at least I'm happy (most of the time
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: US
Posts: 316
I have so BTDT...
The alcohol is between your husband and the alcohol. He knows what he is doing. He is living with himself and his emotions.
By inserting yourself into the equation (confronting, blaming, nagging, even mentioning) you create a diversion for him to then put his emotions onto you. YOU become part of the problem.
It is the hardest thing in the world to begin to do. And it is necessary for your sanity.
The only time I mentioned my husband's drinking to him was when I set MY boundaries. WHen I informed him that I would no longer let him drive the children in the car. When I told him that he was not allowed in the house when my relatives were there if he was drunk. When I told him that if he was drunk and my children had playdates, he could not come home until the friends left. Those are boundaries that I set, not to control him or his drinking, rather to manage the kind of life that my children have. He understood and respected them.
NOTHING you say will get him to stop drinking. If there was a magic phrase, we all would have discovered it years ago.
He lives in his own head. He does not need you living there as well. Nagging was by FAR the hardest thing to stop and it was such a relief when I was finally able to.
Prayers to you.
Jenny
The alcohol is between your husband and the alcohol. He knows what he is doing. He is living with himself and his emotions.
By inserting yourself into the equation (confronting, blaming, nagging, even mentioning) you create a diversion for him to then put his emotions onto you. YOU become part of the problem.
It is the hardest thing in the world to begin to do. And it is necessary for your sanity.
The only time I mentioned my husband's drinking to him was when I set MY boundaries. WHen I informed him that I would no longer let him drive the children in the car. When I told him that he was not allowed in the house when my relatives were there if he was drunk. When I told him that if he was drunk and my children had playdates, he could not come home until the friends left. Those are boundaries that I set, not to control him or his drinking, rather to manage the kind of life that my children have. He understood and respected them.
NOTHING you say will get him to stop drinking. If there was a magic phrase, we all would have discovered it years ago.
He lives in his own head. He does not need you living there as well. Nagging was by FAR the hardest thing to stop and it was such a relief when I was finally able to.
Prayers to you.
Jenny
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Ma
Posts: 145
Hey All,
I disagree with not letting the A know you are unhappy or saddened by the drinking I understand it will not get them to stop (only they can) but why should the spouse "shut up forever" as it was so aptly put. Now I am not saying "go nuts" lose control or anything like that. However if we can get to the point of saying nothing certainly we can get to the point that of saying something in a non threating way.
Does the spouse ever really get to the point of acceptance? I do not believe so. We may train ourselves not to speak out but acceptance? Never. Why do we convince ourselfs that we must accept the unacceptable? It is inevitable perhaps, but acceptable..Never.
I once read that alanon was the greatest friend the alcoholic had. (i dont agree, but read it) It allows them to continue that behavior but now to do so in a house that no longer adresses the problem. Alcoholism is a disease, not a character trait, or quirk we should accept.
I love my wife, so to say that "when you are ready to address this, and get the help you need, i will be there. Whatever I can do to help I will".
and then move on. I dont think you nag I dont think you say it if it puts you in danger but i dont think you sit and say nothing...just my two cents
I disagree with not letting the A know you are unhappy or saddened by the drinking I understand it will not get them to stop (only they can) but why should the spouse "shut up forever" as it was so aptly put. Now I am not saying "go nuts" lose control or anything like that. However if we can get to the point of saying nothing certainly we can get to the point that of saying something in a non threating way.
Does the spouse ever really get to the point of acceptance? I do not believe so. We may train ourselves not to speak out but acceptance? Never. Why do we convince ourselfs that we must accept the unacceptable? It is inevitable perhaps, but acceptable..Never.
I once read that alanon was the greatest friend the alcoholic had. (i dont agree, but read it) It allows them to continue that behavior but now to do so in a house that no longer adresses the problem. Alcoholism is a disease, not a character trait, or quirk we should accept.
I love my wife, so to say that "when you are ready to address this, and get the help you need, i will be there. Whatever I can do to help I will".
and then move on. I dont think you nag I dont think you say it if it puts you in danger but i dont think you sit and say nothing...just my two cents
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
ahcb - i think there are some good words to that affect in another post about confrontation. timing and delivery are key to telling our a's that we don't "accept" bad behavior regardless of whether it is related to the addiction or not and it also ties in to boundaries. some people may interpret that al-anon condones "looking the other way"/"sticking the head in sand" approach. i don't read it that way either.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: canada
Posts: 72
just to clarify, I do not 'shut up forever' (teeheehee, good luck with that if that's what you decide to try to do I think I tried that at one point, but it was impossible.
ahcb & cwohio, you both had very good points. Confronting him & addressing the drinking issue is all about timing and delivery. My AH is only too aware of how much I disapprove, regardless of how well I try to hide my disappointment and anger. He knows my boundries & as long as he respects those boundries I feel I should try to cope with my feelings in a healthy manner.
I think I tried that at one point, but it was impossible. ahcb & cwohio, you both had very good points. Confronting him & addressing the drinking issue is all about timing and delivery. My AH is only too aware of how much I disapprove, regardless of how well I try to hide my disappointment and anger. He knows my boundries & as long as he respects those boundries I feel I should try to cope with my feelings in a healthy manner.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
When I went to my first al anon meeting I was like what in the world are they telling me are they freaking nuts. But somehow now it makes sense it's like I am not worried about him so much anymore. I am more peaceful, it's hard to explain.
I don't say anything to him, but I know he knows I don't approve. I think you put the focus on you and your kids (if you have them) and then you will get to the point where you know what to do. It's like we spend so much energy and time on them and we don't even know our own mind. When we get ourselves back I think that's when we are able to make a decision on the relationship and where we want it to go, or not go.
I am not to that point yet. I have only been around here for a couple months, but every post I read and everytime someone here responds to mine I get a little closer to knowing my mind and what I want.
Mindi
I don't say anything to him, but I know he knows I don't approve. I think you put the focus on you and your kids (if you have them) and then you will get to the point where you know what to do. It's like we spend so much energy and time on them and we don't even know our own mind. When we get ourselves back I think that's when we are able to make a decision on the relationship and where we want it to go, or not go.
I am not to that point yet. I have only been around here for a couple months, but every post I read and everytime someone here responds to mine I get a little closer to knowing my mind and what I want.
Mindi
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