He's packing right now- I told him to leave!

Old 01-31-2005, 06:53 PM
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He's packing right now- I told him to leave!

Here I am again telling him he has to leave. This is the second time in the past year. The last time was 7 months ago when I had it with his drinking- he chose to take that time away to go into rehab and get clean. He's been clean since but stopped getting help and going to meetings. He is so aweful now and we are back to the same old insanity. I have had it. I am tired of this drama. We have been married for over 5 years and together for 10 but what more can I do? Nothing! It is all up to him. He is in a terrible depression and is not taking any steps to get better. He just sleeps. I wish I could just sleep all of the time but we have 2 kids. That is one of the reasons I had to tell him to go. I can't do this in front of them anymore! He is not the father I want for our kids. And I can't go on anymore. I love him. I love him so much but I can't go on living like this. I know he is not capable of changing or becoming the man that I want or deserve. Why should I waste more years of my life going on like this.

I told him today that I want a separation but he is pulling the same old sob story of how much he loves me and the kids and he just has to get his head on straight. How many times have we all heard this, right? Too many. And how many more times should I accept this excuse? Well, I told him that I need him to move out and do whatever he feels he needs to do. That is my choice and he has to accept it! He still won't talk about separating b/c I think he feels this will pass in a week or two like before. But I am not so sure.

I am really scared right now. I'm scared what my life will be like without him. How our kids (3 1/2 and 22 months) will handle this. I know I will be able to take care of the kids and such since I always have done it alone. But I am really scared. I am just so sad right now that this is where my life had taken me!

Thank you so much for letting me vent!
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Old 01-31-2005, 08:13 PM
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Of course you are scared. Millions of hugs to you. I certainly hope he can find the help that he needs to "get his head together". Sounds like he need a good therapist and some good medication.

You are a strong woman. And you are in my prayers.

Jenny
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Old 02-01-2005, 03:24 AM
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Hugs and prayers to you gab..... if your heart tells you that life will be easier without him for a while then stick to it. Hopefully you and the kids will get some mental and emotional peace to make more long term decisions.

You say you love him but I guess many of us know that sometimes love is just not enough - remember you need to be loved too!! And as you said, what kind of role model is he for the children he loves so much?

Keep us informed and let us know how you go - whatever you choose we will be here!

Aud.
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Old 02-01-2005, 04:55 AM
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((gab)) - sounds like you have your boundaries at work. you, like many of us here, are in a grieving process. it's normal to be sad and scared! we are here for you to listen and support you as you would listen and support us - you don't need to decide right now what to do unless you are REALLY sure about following thru. taking care of the kids means you will be stopping the vicious cycle.
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Old 02-01-2005, 05:22 AM
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Hi. I know how you are feeling. I kicked my alcoholic boyfriend out of my life a few months ago. He got sober but was so depressed afterwards that I found him worse than when he was drinking except that the physical abuse stopped. I was his carer, that's all I was. I didn't get the love or nuturing I needed from him at all. When I told him it was over, he did exactly the same as your husband. He thought he could win me round and it would blow over. So he got a surprise when he came back from the hairdresser to find that I had locked him out and packed him a bag. I have no regrets. Life hasn't been easy since but I am getting there, rebuiling my life and my self-esteem one day at a time. you would really benefit from Al-anon meetings. They have been so supportive to me, dealing with the issues of co-dependency. I wouldn't go back to that hell, even though I miss him sometimes.

My sister has been married to an alcoholic for 20 years. She has 3 children. For years she has lived with his lies and his abuse. Her children have really suffered during this time. Now she is ready to leave. In fact she is coming to stay with me for a while until she can get herself sorted out. She is now 50 and I am so pleased that she has finally had the guts to get out. Perhaps she can start to live for the first time and enjoy peace and serenity - something she has forgotten. She is withdrawn and tense all the time, no self-esteem, yet such a beautiful person - goes hand in hand with living with an alcoholic. He of course has now promised to quit drinking and get his act together. So many times, so many promises - time goes on, she isn't getting any younger. Her children will also need help to get over all the traumas. He is evil and will never change. They are full of self-pity and always blame you.

Don't be scared. Many women have had the courage to leave and they have never looked back. You have a right to a happy, fulfilling life and your kids have a right to peace and serenity. If you stay, it won't get better. What you see is what you get. Go while you still can. Look forward to a happy life!
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Old 02-01-2005, 05:38 AM
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Why should I waste more years of my life going on like this.
If you are truly not happy you shouldn't.

How our kids (3 1/2 and 22 months) will handle this.
Your kids are still young, they will be fine. You sound like you are a great mom to them, just love them. If your A is anything like mine it's best he leaves now while they are young, before they start to really see the damage he is doing to the family.

I wish you the best of luck with everything and please keep coming here for support it is a great place. You are so strong and I really admire you for sticking to what you say, it's something I wish I could do.

(((((((hugs)))))

Mindi
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Old 02-01-2005, 10:07 AM
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Thank you all so much for your advice. Last night was tough. He came home after going to an AA meeting and he was so upset.

He said "What habe I done? How did I get to be where I am today?"
I heard- Here goes his self pity excuses for I am busted once again and will have to prove that she should keep me.

He said "I will do everything to get my head on straight and get the help I need so I can be that man I wish I was"
I heard- I have to do soemthing to get out of this mess- maybe I should get help- I know she will take me back if I get on the right path. I have no clue what kind of man I am but it's obviously not the kind she wants right now.

He said "Please don't give up on me. I love you and I love the kids"
I heard- This will pass again just like the last time and you will take me back in a few weeks. I am losing my wife and kids and I have to get them back. Help me, Help me, Help me- without you I can't do anything- Co-dependent!

Anyway, I actually had a nice night after he left and enjoyed relaxing after the kids went to sleep. I felt no stress or worries. I feel like a terrible weight has been lifted of my shoulders. I think that is a bad sign! I just feel strong and I guess empowered. I know I have an amazing support system in my family and friends and they would do anything to help me through this.

And thanks for the suggestions of getting to a meeting. I know I need to find one and I will.
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Old 02-01-2005, 11:03 AM
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Sounds like you have your ears on straight--I know this is all scary but you are
young and so are your babies--they will do well and flourish without the stress
of the AH--you will have more peaceful time for them--and they will not sense
you feeling tense and angry anymore. Hopefully you will beable to protect them from this terrible disease. You are strong and brave and you are setting yourself free.
Prayers and smiles--Dee
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Old 02-04-2005, 07:58 PM
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(((((((Gabigoo)))))) I'm so right with you. I just asked my Ah for a divorce 2 nights ago. We have two children, 4 and 5. I can't even think about what I am going to tell them, as I get too upset. i cried literally ALL die the day after I told him... I am scared too. I don't know what the future will bring, but I know it has got to be better than the hell it's been for the past 2-3 years. whatever life brings us, we'll be okay - and just think how much better off our children will be. I would never forgive myself if I didn't do whatever it took to prevent my children from being exposed to this when they are older, and he will have progressed even further. I like you, asked him to leave once before, and he convinced me he'd quit drinking... that lasted a brief amount of time. But, really - it's not the actual drinking, so much as the behaviors associated with it. unless he really wants help, and I mean REALLY wants it - he's never going to change. We deserve better...and so do our children. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, and we can do this!!!
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