bb143

Hi there, thanks for taking time to read this.

First off, I want to say that I come from an alcoholic home. My dad is an active alcoholic (as far as I know since I haven't seen him in 8+ years). My parents divorced because of his problem when I was 10. Anyways, it is VERY hard for me to trust men, I'm fairly certain it's due to how I grew up.
My current boyfriend is patient with me, and I am trying to change. It's of course extremely hard.

Anyways, I am nervous that my boyfriend may be an alcoholic, but since I am so sensitive to this issue and paranoid about ever being with an alcoholic, I can't be sure. I'm hoping that someone here can help me.

He drinks every day. EVERY day. We've lived together for 5 months now, and he has had a drink/drinks every day save 1 day because I asked him not to...and that was a struggle. He doesn't seem to get drunk, maybe a little tipsy each night. He'll have appox. 3 drinks (sometimes 4) in the evenings. He's not violent, he's always to work on time, he's very driven and hasn't lost focus....(yet). I asked that he stop drinking for 2 weeks starting tomorrow.
I know that's me trying to control the situation and that's not a solution.
At this point I don't know what to do or think. I don't even know if his drinking is something to worry about. I just know that he drinks too much for my comfort level and he hasn't taken it upon himself to cut back.


What do I do? Please help me. I am nervous about pushing him away because I'm too controlling...but I also cannot be with an alcoholic. The disease has caused me too much pain already.

Any advice?
Thanks in advance.

-b

hereforhim

Sounds like to me that he might be what is called a "functional alcoholic", my two cousins are each married to one of them, how fortunate for them (being sarcastic here). They lead normal lives, meet deadlines and for all outside appearances most would never know, BUT they drink everyday, out of habit and need. I am not an expert by any means but like yourself have grown up around it, geez, who hasn't??

You cannot control him, only yourself. Set boundaries and if it's something that you can't live with he either needs to change himself or you need to leave the relationship. It is hard, believe me, but you already know you don't want to be with an alcoholic, what other choice do you have? Don't settle.

JennyK

It is progressive. When I met my husband we both drank daily, we were young and did not have many responsibilities. When we got married and had children, I was able to use alcohol responsibly (and I still do). He was not. When has was happy, he drank. When he was sad, he drank. The more he drank the reasons he found to drink. It took hitting a total bottom (losing his business, getting into incredible debt, and almost losing his family) to make him realize that he had to stop.

The fall from "oh so responsible" working father to "drunk" was rapid. Less than 4 years, he lost it all.

You are smart to be cautious. And you are smart to realize that you can't put limits and rules around his drinking. It does not work.

Jenny

2dayzmuse

Welcome...

I was just like your bf years ago. I would drink a bottle of wine nearly every night. Probably the equivelant of what your bf drinks now. I was able to make it to work and function just fine. Then things changed and I started to drink more and more and became dysfunctional. To the point of losing my job. I turned into a non stop drinking machine. What changed in me to start doing that? I can't answer that. I have no idea when or where I crossed that line. Alcohol is a progressive disease. If you're an alcoholic and continue to drink, chances are, things will progressivly get worse and worse. That seems to be the continuing pattern we see over and over again.

5 months isn't really that long to know one another. He may be on his best behavior. I know I did that in the past. I wouldn't show how much I could drink or wanted to drink in front of my bf at the time. I often drank when he wasn't around or hid it. You'll find out soon enough if he really has a problem or not. If you discuss your concerns with him, he will either be willing to slow down, stop, or not. It's up to him to make that decision. Nobody can stop an alcoholic from getting their next drink.

Voice your concerns and set boundaries. That's all you can really do. Perhaps attend some Al-anon meetings or Adult children of alcoholics meetings. Stand firm and mean what you say and follow through. I wish you and your bf the best. I hope things turn out for the both of you. Continue to keep coming back and find support through others. Take care...

wraybear

I have known my AH for almost 30 years. He started out like your BF. Very high functioning, not abusive, drank mostly on weekends, as we had a party to go to every Friday and Sat night. Everyone was doing it! But then, several years later he starting drinking EVERY single night. Then several years later, started drinking earlier in the day on weekends, then several years later, drinking started in the mornings and the afternoons. So, but the time he was in his late 30's, he was drinking all the time. It is progressive and gets worse. I am sure you know that being an ACOA, you may have a tendency to be attracted to addicts, so, I would pray long and hard about this. I don't think you are paranoid. I think you see a drinking problem. If you look at "healthy" people, especially ones that are "out" of the partying phase, maybe out of college, past mid 20's, etc, you probably won't see many that drink EVERY night. If you have a problem with how much he is drinking, then there is a drinking problem.

And darling, you may not be too controlling, you may KNOW IN YOUR HEART there is a drinking problem and are just unsure what to do about it. There is NOTHING you can do about it. All you can do is help yourself, learn how to be attracted to non-addicts. Read some books about co-dependency and Adult Children of Alcoholics. I think you will see yourself in some of these books.

TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!!!

queenofthehwy

I have to agree with Wray on this. It's so sad, but true that in most cases it gets worse. Mine went from partying on weekends to everyday after work and starts around noon every weekend.

You are smart to realize there may be a problem and please read and read here it really helps.

Mindi

equus

If you want to know the criteria for alcohol dependence and acohol abuse try this site:

National institute for alcohol abuse and alcholism.

It's also worth bearing in mind that people who knew heavy drinkers that DIDN'T progress into alcohol abuse/alcoholism aren't as likely to be posting here.

The link above is heavily research based and allows you to either browse summaries or read full medical articles. I linked it through to there FAQ, but if you click on home you should have tons of info.

Regardless of whether or not he would class as an alcoholic or alcohol abuser YOU have a problem feeling secure with what he drinks. That leaves you with thinking to do regardless of whether he has a clincal problem. His drinking would still be a problem if he wants to stay with you.

Good luck - I hope you make the decsion that's best for you!!

bb143

Thanks everyone for your insight.

bb143

Update:
We had a long talk lastnight about this. I have come away very confused though.
I showed him my post on this website, and the responses in hopes that it would show him how serious I am about this and to also show him that maybe I'm not crazy...maybe he does have a problem.

He told me at first not to worry, that he's open to what I am saying, that I am worth it, he's worth it and we're worth it to work this out. That made my day.
I then told him what I would like to see happen. I told him that I won't be comfortable unless he drastically changes his habits. ie: No drinking during the week, except maybe the occasional happy hour (2 times a month max) and weekends are free. He doesn't really get crazy drunk on the weekends...I need to point that out as well.

This plan did not sit well with him. He said that he wanted to come up with boundaries together...that me telling him what to do won't work. He said that he would like to have one drink each day with his dinner. He said that he thinks that is normal. He lived in Europe for several years where it was common to have drinks at lunch and dinner, and there they enjoyed their meals...they'd eat for hours and have wine with each meal.

I told him that I wasn't comfortable with him drinking even one drink every day. So we compromised. He can drink 1 drink with a meal on 2 week days. And the weekends are free.

BUT, what I'm upset about is...why is it SO important to him? He is pretty upset about this. He says that he has to get used to this big change....he said he has to work through emotions since he's making such a big change to be with me. I also need to mention that I said I'd leave him if the drinking continues at the rate it's been going.

He also said that if it came down to having to abide by the initial plan that I set up (no drinking on the week days, and weekends are free, or else I'll leave him)....he would have to think about it. That made me very sad...at that point I felt like alcohol was more important than being with me.

I'm so unsure of everything right now. We are living together because we're planning on getting married. He is the most amazing person I've ever met. He makes me laugh harder than anyone, he's very loving and patient and he understands me, and is a wonderful friend....but this issue is scaring me terribly....It's a side of him that I either chose not to see before, or just didn't see.

Am I overreacting?

equus

I think maybe - actually I think yes.

It may not be about the booze - it might be about letting you lay down so much as law, that might be what he needs to think about. I wouldn't accept my husband doing that with me and I love his toenails off!!! Mind you he wouldn't use us breaking up as a threat to change my behaviour.

Your responses would make sense if you were living in the shadow of someone regularly drunk, causing a problem or even with a diagnosed drinking problem.

Did you read the criteria for alcohol dependency? Or problem drinking?

My other question is whether when you say he drinks 3 drinks a nights you mean three units or three pints etc. 3 units per night can be one large glass of wine!! I'm not saying that can't lead to alcoholism - they all had to start somewhere - BUT I would be confident that it would never be diagnosed as even abuse never mind addiction.

I think he's compromised plenty and you should read the criteria for alcohol dependency and abuse.

Ok - if I get flamed for this so be it but I think you have an immense amount of fear. I'm quite glad he hasn't just gone with it because that would have enabled you to ignore it. I also believe your past has given you every reason for fear - I can so understand how you feel despite think you're over reacting. I think by his response so can he, I don't think anyone would feel you've done something other than what you believe based on what your childhood taught you.

equus

Just to help these are cut and pasted from a booklet (alcoholism: Getting the Facts) through the link in my first reply:

bb143

Well I decided today that I'm not going to try to control the situation. I think that will only lead to more problems down the road and he'll just end up resenting me.

I am putting my faith in him that he'll take control of this situation on his own. He knows now how strongly I feel about this. He knows what I will be comfortable with and that his choices up to now have been causing me stress/anxiety.

If things change then great! If they don't, then I know I'll have to reconsider being in this relationship with him.

He was glad to know that I am considering his needs. He needs to feel like he's not being controlled, and as long as my need to feel safe and secure in this relationship is being met, we'll get through this.

Time will tell I guess.

sunshinebluesky

bb143, how old are you and your guy?
i hope you will read my few posts, as i am in a similar situation, but i think mine drinks a whole lot more than yours.
my first reaction was no you did not over react, and your request was not out of line. but then i thought alittle, and i guess no one, especially an addict,abuser, alcoholic, wants to be told what to do and when. i thought about telling mine basically the same, only on weekends and the occasional times he is with a friend. but then, i thought...no....he will resent it, fight it and he knows how i feel so he should do it or something very similar on his own. so i just once again validated my feelings about it,and as i stated in my last post told him if he continues like he is, i cannot promise i will always be with him. that way he has something to think about, and if i have to leave the relationship, i had given him his warning. i had just given up for awhile, not brought the drinking up, but now i am speaking up about it alittle more. just to let him know, no it is not alright with me, and now the consequences. i am giving mine a silent time limit and if he does not make drastic improvement, i am leaving the relationship.
i could be wrong, or maybe it is just a personal thing but i too feel no one has to drink every single day, especially more than one.i find it hard to believe that my ab who now drinks about four cases of beer a week, STARTED with four cases a week!!! i cant even get a straight answer out of him as to how long he has been like this (he is 44)
something that i think about often is the peer pressure even at 44!! and how drinking even heavily,is so accepted in our society. in my dealings all day at work, i have found if someone asks how im doing and i reply with a negative--no matter WHAT it is--bad day, headache, stress, flu---MOST times they will reply with "oh you just need a drink, or a beer, or to get wasted"
it sickens me that some of the same people who will bitch about my cig smoking can be the same ones that will reek of alcohol, be obnoxious, or go out and drive drunk!

Cap3

Hi bb143.You say,i'm unsure of everything right now.For myself,i use that ole rule of thumb,which is.....When in doubt...don't....Wait.Take time.No rush.No hurry,until you know for sure....You also asked are you overreacting.Years ago folks told me that i was overreacting,to my hub,s drinking.So for a while i went on what they said,although in my heart i knew differently.However this was my own illness,here letting others decide for me,and going along with what they "thought" and what they judged,to be overreacting.I had no self-esteem back then.But ya know truth has a way of comming out into the light.And as im living in my own recovery,i realised that "they" don't know him like i do.No one really knows another until ya live with them.,or what goes on behind closed doors.Im growing in recovery,getting more confident,in what my heart knows to be true.And "i" make the decisions if i think im overreacting,lol.When we lost everything,then they knew that i was telling the truth,and that they changed their minds,.So the question is,,do ...you..think your overreacting?Thats what is important.His drinking is bothering...you...thats whats important...Trust more in yourself,and what you know is right for you...You know what is right for..you...go with that..Lots of times when im making decisions,the "support" came afterwards,,with alot of ho hums beforehand..lol..

GettingFree

Whether you're laying down specific restrictions, or leaving it to him 'to take control', the danger with either of these is that your bf is attempting to change because you've make it clear you're unhappy with the situation.

What's missing is that he's not unhappy with the situation.

Changing behavior is hard enough when we want it for ourselves; it's very difficult when you're attempting it because someonoe else wants it, especially changing behavior that's done on a daily basis, and especially when it's something like habitual drinking.

The likely outcome over time is resentment. Another very real possibility is that your b/f may begin to hide his behavior or be deceitful, feeling caught between his wish to please you and maintain the relationship and his wish to continue to drink.

For what it's worth, I think your wishes are completely valid. Someone who drinks with the regularity and amount your b/f does, does have a dependency problem. No question. If it would be cause him anxiety or discomfort to go without alcohol for a period of time he has a dependency. If it would occupy his thoughts in those two weeks means he has a dependency. That he maintains an otherwise 'normal' life is not the issue. Addiction is about using external means to alter mood and emotions.

That you come from a familiy with a history of addiction may not be simply coincidence that you now find yourself in an intimate relationship addressing this issue. You may want to investigate some of the great books out there on adult children of alcoholics.

best,
gf

myselfagain

I dont want to sound mean but maybe you need to find a guy that does not drink at all.