Total Meltdown
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Total Meltdown
Hi Everyone,
Well this is bit of a long story.
My ex-husband of 8 years ended up in the hospital 21/2 weeks ago looking as if he was going to die any second. He has cancer, has had for 5 years but they've been containing it up until a few months ago. Then it spread and he was on all kinds of meds for a couple of months that were making him very sick. He wasn't eating properly or anything so finally he ended up going into the hospital by ambulance and really took a nose-dive for a week. I figured he was on his way out and so did he.
The son that he and I have between us is 11 years old, so whether I want to or not I have to be some what involved with his father as my son can't transport himself to the hospital, can't make arrangements with his father about his will etc,etc,etc. His father doesn't have a girlfriend or a wife,he's basically alone. So as I'm going to be a at some point the remaining parent it has sort of fallen on me. So iT'S BEEN very important to put our differences aside for the sake of my son, Myles, and try and get these things worked through.
So that is what we have been doing for the last 21/2 weeks when his father was lucid enough to do it, otherwise we've been going practically everyday to the hospital on top of still having to live life.
So my S.O has a all along been saying do what you have to do take care of Myles it's fine. Now he still can't come into Canada and in my mind a problem we have is he is sort of sit on his laurels enjoying the fact that I've been so available every weekend for th elast 11/2 years so he really hasn't had to do much concerning the government and his papers. That's a character defect of mine I tend to make things too easy for the men in my life.
So I've been getting resentful lately about it and getting on his back about trying to get in touch with the government so he can at least come into the country and make it more a 2 way thing.
Right now my hands are a bit tied here. This past week my son came down with a virus he didn't go to school all week, so we also didn't go to the hospital to see his Dad, his father had exploratory surgery in the middle of the week, I was still working every day so it's been pretty stressful.
Yesterday Saturday we go to the hospital finally after 6 days for a visit. The doctors are saying he can go home in a couple of days. We come home, rent some movies for the night and he calls and says they are letting him out to night and could I go back and get him. So at this point I'm feeling pretty tired and stressed I phone the S.O and I start to vent about it and he tells me to "Lighten up" in this very mean voice. So I said well I didn't call to have an argument with you so I'm going to go now and I hang-up. A few minutes later I call back and I said that I really didn't appreciate that sort of comment from him, and then I said you know you I see you aren't really pulling your weight as far as your paper-work with the government and you want to try and control, I get up to control and he screams at me at me and says "control you'd better look at yourself b$%ch! So I hang up, shocked.
I called him back and left a message saying I was putting our relationship on pause and going to be talking to my Alanon and A.A sponsors and he'd be hearing back from me when I got feeling better, that I didn't appreciate being called a b#$%h.
He calls me back and says "That's alright you don't need to put anything on pause just let me know how much I owe you because it's all about money with you anyway and this hasn't been about Myles it's been all about you"
I call back get him on the phone and I said what the hell is that supposed to mean it's all about money with me? He said all I cared about was getting my ex's money and everything is about money with me and that I was disappointed on Thursday when I found out my ex wasn't going to die right away. Well I was shocked to say the least.
And how it was supposed to be about Myles but it was really about me. Anyway all of this was flying out of left field and he was telling me he was happy to finally be able to tell me what he really thinks and he;s been thinking it for days and blah blah blah blah.
Anyway to cut it short I said it seemed he was projecting his issues on to me about his mother and his exs and that this situation seems to be pushing alot of his buttons. And that we should take a break for awhile and I was going to do some talking to people to get my head straight and do some thinking. I refrained from telling him what he should be doing.
Alot was lost when he called me a b#$@h and said I was dissappointed that my ex wasn't going to die right away. That was pretty horrible.
Sorry this is so long.
Ngaire
Well this is bit of a long story.
My ex-husband of 8 years ended up in the hospital 21/2 weeks ago looking as if he was going to die any second. He has cancer, has had for 5 years but they've been containing it up until a few months ago. Then it spread and he was on all kinds of meds for a couple of months that were making him very sick. He wasn't eating properly or anything so finally he ended up going into the hospital by ambulance and really took a nose-dive for a week. I figured he was on his way out and so did he.
The son that he and I have between us is 11 years old, so whether I want to or not I have to be some what involved with his father as my son can't transport himself to the hospital, can't make arrangements with his father about his will etc,etc,etc. His father doesn't have a girlfriend or a wife,he's basically alone. So as I'm going to be a at some point the remaining parent it has sort of fallen on me. So iT'S BEEN very important to put our differences aside for the sake of my son, Myles, and try and get these things worked through.
So that is what we have been doing for the last 21/2 weeks when his father was lucid enough to do it, otherwise we've been going practically everyday to the hospital on top of still having to live life.
So my S.O has a all along been saying do what you have to do take care of Myles it's fine. Now he still can't come into Canada and in my mind a problem we have is he is sort of sit on his laurels enjoying the fact that I've been so available every weekend for th elast 11/2 years so he really hasn't had to do much concerning the government and his papers. That's a character defect of mine I tend to make things too easy for the men in my life.
So I've been getting resentful lately about it and getting on his back about trying to get in touch with the government so he can at least come into the country and make it more a 2 way thing.
Right now my hands are a bit tied here. This past week my son came down with a virus he didn't go to school all week, so we also didn't go to the hospital to see his Dad, his father had exploratory surgery in the middle of the week, I was still working every day so it's been pretty stressful.
Yesterday Saturday we go to the hospital finally after 6 days for a visit. The doctors are saying he can go home in a couple of days. We come home, rent some movies for the night and he calls and says they are letting him out to night and could I go back and get him. So at this point I'm feeling pretty tired and stressed I phone the S.O and I start to vent about it and he tells me to "Lighten up" in this very mean voice. So I said well I didn't call to have an argument with you so I'm going to go now and I hang-up. A few minutes later I call back and I said that I really didn't appreciate that sort of comment from him, and then I said you know you I see you aren't really pulling your weight as far as your paper-work with the government and you want to try and control, I get up to control and he screams at me at me and says "control you'd better look at yourself b$%ch! So I hang up, shocked.
I called him back and left a message saying I was putting our relationship on pause and going to be talking to my Alanon and A.A sponsors and he'd be hearing back from me when I got feeling better, that I didn't appreciate being called a b#$%h.
He calls me back and says "That's alright you don't need to put anything on pause just let me know how much I owe you because it's all about money with you anyway and this hasn't been about Myles it's been all about you"
I call back get him on the phone and I said what the hell is that supposed to mean it's all about money with me? He said all I cared about was getting my ex's money and everything is about money with me and that I was disappointed on Thursday when I found out my ex wasn't going to die right away. Well I was shocked to say the least.
And how it was supposed to be about Myles but it was really about me. Anyway all of this was flying out of left field and he was telling me he was happy to finally be able to tell me what he really thinks and he;s been thinking it for days and blah blah blah blah.
Anyway to cut it short I said it seemed he was projecting his issues on to me about his mother and his exs and that this situation seems to be pushing alot of his buttons. And that we should take a break for awhile and I was going to do some talking to people to get my head straight and do some thinking. I refrained from telling him what he should be doing.
Alot was lost when he called me a b#$@h and said I was dissappointed that my ex wasn't going to die right away. That was pretty horrible.
Sorry this is so long.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
(((ngaire)))
Sorry to hear you have so much on your plate at the moment. Take care of yourself and your little one. Lean on your sponsors and us at SR - that's what we're all here for.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Sorry to hear you have so much on your plate at the moment. Take care of yourself and your little one. Lean on your sponsors and us at SR - that's what we're all here for.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
(((Ngaire)))
I'm sorry.
You didn't need that kind of behavior from him right now.
You needed love, understanding and support.
It hurts bad when we're down, reach out to someone for those things and don't get it.
More hugs,
Gabe
I'm sorry.
You didn't need that kind of behavior from him right now.
You needed love, understanding and support.
It hurts bad when we're down, reach out to someone for those things and don't get it.
More hugs,
Gabe
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Ngaire
When things overwhelm us, and you have more than enough in your life going on to overwhelm anyone, it sometimes helps just to take a "time out' from life, people and responsibilities.
It helps me when I take time to decide what part of this do I own. I don't own the bad behaviour of others, but I do own my reaction to it and my plan for how I will handle it in the future.
My suggestion is to take a break, just for you, and catch your breath, clear your vision, and let peace guide you.
Hugs
Ann
When things overwhelm us, and you have more than enough in your life going on to overwhelm anyone, it sometimes helps just to take a "time out' from life, people and responsibilities.
It helps me when I take time to decide what part of this do I own. I don't own the bad behaviour of others, but I do own my reaction to it and my plan for how I will handle it in the future.
My suggestion is to take a break, just for you, and catch your breath, clear your vision, and let peace guide you.
Hugs
Ann
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: NOT in love thank goodness
Posts: 115
I'm a bit shocked at his reaction. Do you mean that since he can't come into the country you travel to him every weekend? If so, yes very one-sided. He is NOT pulling his weight. And in my mind, there is no excuse for calling anyone those kinds of names. None what so ever.
Only advice I have is that you listen to your inner voice. It may be tiny (as mine ususally is - I too am too kind to the men in my life) but it is mighty if you listen to it!! Please don't ignore any of your feelings, intuitions, inner voice, whatever you want to call it. You are intelligent, caring, strong. You will know what is right.
NO, not all about money...it was about your SON and HIS father. Just be careful. Seems like the men in your life are taking a bit of advantage over you. You are right...step back. Get your head on. Take all the time you need.
HUGS
Only advice I have is that you listen to your inner voice. It may be tiny (as mine ususally is - I too am too kind to the men in my life) but it is mighty if you listen to it!! Please don't ignore any of your feelings, intuitions, inner voice, whatever you want to call it. You are intelligent, caring, strong. You will know what is right.
NO, not all about money...it was about your SON and HIS father. Just be careful. Seems like the men in your life are taking a bit of advantage over you. You are right...step back. Get your head on. Take all the time you need.
HUGS
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Akron, Ohio
Posts: 16
Hi ngaire,
I have cared for two kids with cancer (my own) and I know how stressful it is. There is so much medical jargon to learn as well as visiting (or staying with) the patient, maintaining relationships, responsibilities with the house and work...the list goes on. You DO need a break! The fact that you are assuming the role of "primary caregiver" says a LOT about your integrity! Don't believe a word your SO is telling you!
Does your ex have any other family members around (besides you and your son) that could help out? My DH and I were VERY blessed to have family (800 miles away!) that took it upon themselves to work out a "relief schedule" for us. We had someone at our house nearly 24/7 to help with our other kids, make meals, clean house, stay at the hospital with patient and anything else they could think of. It was a sacrifice our family and friends made that helped us SO MUCH!
You NEED to ask someone for help. I think that since you have taken on the caregiver role, that you would probably be uncomfortable letting go of that role entirely. I might suggest asking for help from ex's employers, family and friends.
I commend you on caring for someone you would like to forget about. It takes a strong person. Tell your SO to "can it", because you are doing the best that you can and that is all that ANYONE can ask of you. Hang in there and PLEASE ask someone to give you a hand with your ex.
Blessings,
Joan
I have cared for two kids with cancer (my own) and I know how stressful it is. There is so much medical jargon to learn as well as visiting (or staying with) the patient, maintaining relationships, responsibilities with the house and work...the list goes on. You DO need a break! The fact that you are assuming the role of "primary caregiver" says a LOT about your integrity! Don't believe a word your SO is telling you!
Does your ex have any other family members around (besides you and your son) that could help out? My DH and I were VERY blessed to have family (800 miles away!) that took it upon themselves to work out a "relief schedule" for us. We had someone at our house nearly 24/7 to help with our other kids, make meals, clean house, stay at the hospital with patient and anything else they could think of. It was a sacrifice our family and friends made that helped us SO MUCH!
You NEED to ask someone for help. I think that since you have taken on the caregiver role, that you would probably be uncomfortable letting go of that role entirely. I might suggest asking for help from ex's employers, family and friends.
I commend you on caring for someone you would like to forget about. It takes a strong person. Tell your SO to "can it", because you are doing the best that you can and that is all that ANYONE can ask of you. Hang in there and PLEASE ask someone to give you a hand with your ex.
Blessings,
Joan
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
Some good advice here--I wouldn't put a lot of energy into figuiring out the so--
sounds to me like he has some self asteem and jealousie issues going on--probably
resents the time you have to spend with ex. Put yourself and your son first. Only
a really selfish person could turn their back on a dying person who is the parent of their child--you are doing the best you can and you don't deserve any critisisem.
Keep in touch maybe one of us will beable to say something to help--Prayers--Dee
sounds to me like he has some self asteem and jealousie issues going on--probably
resents the time you have to spend with ex. Put yourself and your son first. Only
a really selfish person could turn their back on a dying person who is the parent of their child--you are doing the best you can and you don't deserve any critisisem.
Keep in touch maybe one of us will beable to say something to help--Prayers--Dee
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
(((((((((((((((( Thankyou everyone for your replies))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I was having those I guess co-dependent reactions yesterday like : guilt and feeling like I had done something wrong.
I feel like on top of everything else my son DOESN'T need me and his father still on bad terms. This is serious stuff.
One of my character defects is definitely being too kind to the men in my life.
Ngaire
I was having those I guess co-dependent reactions yesterday like : guilt and feeling like I had done something wrong.
I feel like on top of everything else my son DOESN'T need me and his father still on bad terms. This is serious stuff.
One of my character defects is definitely being too kind to the men in my life.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
I feel like on top of everything else my son DOESN'T need me and his father still on bad terms. This is serious stuff.
I hope good comes from that and I'm sure it will.
It sounds like a lucky escape with the other guy. I believe that for most decent people there are lines you don't cross even in the most severe argument - he seems to have shot through all of them!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
I'm thinking about my character defect of doing too much in my relationships and one of the things I do is I end up being the one to phone after an incident like the one on Saturday.
But I see clearly now that when I AM THE ONE TO PHONE ONCE AGAIN IT TAKE S the responsibility off of the person who acted like and was a jack2## and again they have to do nothing.
Am I right or wrong?
Feedback would be much appreciated please
Ngaire
But I see clearly now that when I AM THE ONE TO PHONE ONCE AGAIN IT TAKE S the responsibility off of the person who acted like and was a jack2## and again they have to do nothing.
Am I right or wrong?
Feedback would be much appreciated please
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: NOT in love thank goodness
Posts: 115
I will have to admit that when I first read your post, my initial reaction was wow, why did she call that a****le back. WHy did she even waste her breath on that man? I think NO contact would have also made a statement as well. I liked you saying you wanted to put your relationship on pause. I thought that was very intelligent and mature. Just in retrospect, after the b**** name calling....you might have considered NEVER phoning him again. And then when he came crawling back...slamming the door in his face.
But you know it's always easier to look back and see what you would have liked to do. But I do think it jsut shows perhaps you are being too easy on him.
I think your approach to your ex and your son is right on. THat is serious stuff. Your son who you love more than anything might lose his father forever. Yes that is serious stuff. I just wouldn't like to see you beocme his caretaker for weeks and months. Even if he doesn't have family you do have to think of yourself and draw the line where you are comfortable.
But I applaud your maturity, intelligence and caring. You need to wait for a man worthy of you to come along. Obviously this other man doesn't cut it.
But you know it's always easier to look back and see what you would have liked to do. But I do think it jsut shows perhaps you are being too easy on him.
I think your approach to your ex and your son is right on. THat is serious stuff. Your son who you love more than anything might lose his father forever. Yes that is serious stuff. I just wouldn't like to see you beocme his caretaker for weeks and months. Even if he doesn't have family you do have to think of yourself and draw the line where you are comfortable.
But I applaud your maturity, intelligence and caring. You need to wait for a man worthy of you to come along. Obviously this other man doesn't cut it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Hi,
To tell you the truth I do regret calling back, I should have not after the b#$@H WORD. But I did but I'm not calling back again. And I agree I am being too easy on him. I guess from low self-esteem on my part. The calling back syndrome that I have is a behaviour I'm willing to let go of now. It's a way of trying to control a situation I guess. I have been too easy on him all along. Now this is why I'm here again in this place that I end up in over and over. I think what really slapped me in the face too was WHEN i ASKED IF HE HAD SENT HIS LETTER TO THE IMMIGRATION REGISTERED AND HE SAID NO HE HADN'T REGISTERED IT. You know if you are dealing with the government and it would seem to me you were making a serious attempt you'd at least send a registered letter. Things have become pretty out of balance and 50% my fault for not setting boundaries on it.
I don't think my ex wants me to become his caretaker nor do I. iT'S A FUNNY SITUATION WITH MY SON BEING SO YOUNG. iF HE WAS OF AGE IT WOULDN'T BE NECESSARY for me to be this involved.
Ngaire
To tell you the truth I do regret calling back, I should have not after the b#$@H WORD. But I did but I'm not calling back again. And I agree I am being too easy on him. I guess from low self-esteem on my part. The calling back syndrome that I have is a behaviour I'm willing to let go of now. It's a way of trying to control a situation I guess. I have been too easy on him all along. Now this is why I'm here again in this place that I end up in over and over. I think what really slapped me in the face too was WHEN i ASKED IF HE HAD SENT HIS LETTER TO THE IMMIGRATION REGISTERED AND HE SAID NO HE HADN'T REGISTERED IT. You know if you are dealing with the government and it would seem to me you were making a serious attempt you'd at least send a registered letter. Things have become pretty out of balance and 50% my fault for not setting boundaries on it.
I don't think my ex wants me to become his caretaker nor do I. iT'S A FUNNY SITUATION WITH MY SON BEING SO YOUNG. iF HE WAS OF AGE IT WOULDN'T BE NECESSARY for me to be this involved.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
Ngaire,
I have a huge problem with having to call back and call back and you get the idea. I think I just want to have the last word. I think that is one of the hardest things to give up. I can understand the whole calling thing.
Mindi
I have a huge problem with having to call back and call back and you get the idea. I think I just want to have the last word. I think that is one of the hardest things to give up. I can understand the whole calling thing.
Mindi
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Yes, it's something I won't be doing again, not calling back is a statement in itself. I felt like I shouldn't let him get away with that and tell him he was projecting all of his crap that he's completely not dealing with onto me. That it didn't belong to me.
When he called me the B word it was like he was talking to one of his heroin/cracked out ex girlfriends.
Ngaire
When he called me the B word it was like he was talking to one of his heroin/cracked out ex girlfriends.
Ngaire
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
I guess I'm on a vent this morning, and acusing me of being dissappointed my ex wasn't going to die right away. That totally threw me for a loop.
To put it bluntly my ex is worth more to me and my son alive than dead in the sense of spending time with his son. I'd rather Myles have as much time with his Dad as possible.
Ngaire
To put it bluntly my ex is worth more to me and my son alive than dead in the sense of spending time with his son. I'd rather Myles have as much time with his Dad as possible.
Ngaire
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
