New Here (hello!)
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Thread Starter
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: South Bend, In.
Posts: 7
New Here (hello!)
I'm so glad I found this message board, it is exactly what I have been looking for, an online support group to help me with my boyfriend. Hello everyone 
What brings me here is my boyfriend of 5 months, he is an alcoholic and has been struggling with it for years. He's been in and out of various treatment centers, was sober for 2 years but then fell off the wagon when him and a friend moved into an apartment together last summer (friend is also alcoholic). Because of financial problems on his end, he moved in with me in October with the stipulation of "no drinking!". He went through hard detox, he shook for a week, got physically ill and after 3 days of hallucinations I couldn't stand it anymore and took him to the hospital. Since then he has been 90% sober, however, tonight he is in detox because he just can't seem to quit the habit. He'll be there for the next few days then enter into a treatment program. He has not been drinking heavily or every day like he used to but my rules (in my home) are 0 tolerance and he keeps breaking that rule. I cannot control him, only myself, in one instance he spent 2 days sleeping in his truck because I wouldn't let him come home drunk.
He says I don't understand what it's like, he's right....I don't. That's what bring me here. He is not violent or mean or any of the horrible things that people can become when they've been drinking. He is a wonderful guy with a problem, one that I am doing my damndest to help him overcome. Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciate, I'm all ears
What brings me here is my boyfriend of 5 months, he is an alcoholic and has been struggling with it for years. He's been in and out of various treatment centers, was sober for 2 years but then fell off the wagon when him and a friend moved into an apartment together last summer (friend is also alcoholic). Because of financial problems on his end, he moved in with me in October with the stipulation of "no drinking!". He went through hard detox, he shook for a week, got physically ill and after 3 days of hallucinations I couldn't stand it anymore and took him to the hospital. Since then he has been 90% sober, however, tonight he is in detox because he just can't seem to quit the habit. He'll be there for the next few days then enter into a treatment program. He has not been drinking heavily or every day like he used to but my rules (in my home) are 0 tolerance and he keeps breaking that rule. I cannot control him, only myself, in one instance he spent 2 days sleeping in his truck because I wouldn't let him come home drunk.
He says I don't understand what it's like, he's right....I don't. That's what bring me here. He is not violent or mean or any of the horrible things that people can become when they've been drinking. He is a wonderful guy with a problem, one that I am doing my damndest to help him overcome. Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciate, I'm all ears
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: pinellas park, FL
Posts: 5
is he in detox for you or for him. it only works if he wants to. he can't be doing it for you or for a place to live. this never works. i have been down that road to may time in the past 10 years. don't be like me. if he comes out and drinks, get out. don't let years go by that you can't get back. he made it this long in life, he will make it with out you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: South Bend, In.
Posts: 7
He is doing it for himself and for "us". I told him that he needs to be sober with or without me, he agrees. It seems he wants to so badly but just can't completely stop. He's done AA for years, had a sponsor, knows people everytime he goes somewhere that has to do with addiction. He recently started going to meetings, he had stopped for a while now. Supposedly went to one this morning but managed to find time to drink or maybe skipped the meeting all together to drink...who knows.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
sounds like you are doing the right thing. Setting a boundary, and sticking to it. I know there are many of us on this sight that wish we would have done the same 5 months into our relationship, but many of didn't. we ended up getting married and 15 years later its even worse.
By the way, most of our A's are nice, kind, caring, loving people when they aren't drinking. But, this is a progressive disease, and if they don't get help and get sober, those nice people we married, no longer exist.
I admire you for setting a zero tolerance policy. Keep up the good work... only YOU can take care of YOU. Addicts are incapable of "taking" care of themselves, much less someone else.
By the way, most of our A's are nice, kind, caring, loving people when they aren't drinking. But, this is a progressive disease, and if they don't get help and get sober, those nice people we married, no longer exist.
I admire you for setting a zero tolerance policy. Keep up the good work... only YOU can take care of YOU. Addicts are incapable of "taking" care of themselves, much less someone else.
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
Addicts don't give much back--so it's very important to take care of yourself here.
Alcoholism is a progressive desease after time the body becomes less able to process the alcohol and the alcoholic looses more and more control of his life. It is not
pretty. It is really good that you are setting boundries and sticking to them. You
cannot make him quit drinking but you can control how much you let it affect your life.
Sounds to me like you have a good head on your shoulders. Smiles--Dee
Alcoholism is a progressive desease after time the body becomes less able to process the alcohol and the alcoholic looses more and more control of his life. It is not
pretty. It is really good that you are setting boundries and sticking to them. You
cannot make him quit drinking but you can control how much you let it affect your life.
Sounds to me like you have a good head on your shoulders. Smiles--Dee
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Welcome:
Well, since you're asking for advice. My advice to you is to run...run away from this unhealthy man and your unhealthy relationship and don't look back. You've only invested 5 months of your life in this relationship. Don't wait until you've invested 23 years, like I did, when you've become set in your ways, and it's more difficult to leave. If you're unhappy with your relationship after 5 months, your problems will increase ten-fold over time. As others have told you already, alcoholism is a progressive disease, and unless he gets help you've only seen the tip of the iceburg.
One other thing I noticed. You're name is "hereforhim." You should be here for YOU.
Well, since you're asking for advice. My advice to you is to run...run away from this unhealthy man and your unhealthy relationship and don't look back. You've only invested 5 months of your life in this relationship. Don't wait until you've invested 23 years, like I did, when you've become set in your ways, and it's more difficult to leave. If you're unhappy with your relationship after 5 months, your problems will increase ten-fold over time. As others have told you already, alcoholism is a progressive disease, and unless he gets help you've only seen the tip of the iceburg.
One other thing I noticed. You're name is "hereforhim." You should be here for YOU.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: South Bend, In.
Posts: 7
Believe me, I put myself above all else. I have just come out of a very bitter relationship, in the process of divorce and spent many many troubled times on a site called survivinginfidelity.com, they also teach you to put yourself first and to take care of yourself first. This relationship is new, he has been an A for many years, I see him trying but what one of you said is right, an A has very little to give back to the relationship. He is loving and kind and fills my life when he is sober, which fortunately IS most of the time. However, when I see him lapse it worries me and we try to take steps with him to make sure it doesn't happen again. He did not go into detox because he was unable to stop drinking for a day or two, he can do that...the problem is every week or so he decides he needs a drink, I'm sure that's very small compared to some others here but being around alcoholism in my past I know that just once is all it takes to start making it an everyday thing again. I am just confused, he tells me not to give up on him, that he is going to beat this. I just don't know when one last time should REALLY be the last time....
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Can I give you my gut feeling? If you are not long out of a difficult relationship, give yourself time to heal before you commit to another. Please don't bounce into something equally unhealthy.
Have you read the sticky posts at the top of this forum? Particularly the one on enabling. The fact that he moved in with you for financial reasons, rather than because you both wanted to, raises a pretty big red flag for me.
If you do continue the relationship, please keep coming back here and also check out some al-anon meetings.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Have you read the sticky posts at the top of this forum? Particularly the one on enabling. The fact that he moved in with you for financial reasons, rather than because you both wanted to, raises a pretty big red flag for me.
If you do continue the relationship, please keep coming back here and also check out some al-anon meetings.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: South Bend, In.
Posts: 7
Thank you Minnie for the kind words. My ex and I have been separated for over a year now, my bf and I met approx. 10 months after my breakup. Is this enough time? Who knows. I have been so careful to heal myself and make myself happy before trying to make anyone else happy too. I did end up hurting someone very deeply because of my lack of trust, too soon into another relationship, etc. But hey, that's for another board..lol
Anywho, spoke with him today, even though he could have come home he has decided to stay until tomorrow so he can speak with a counselor to get into outpatient treatment. I told him I missed him but wanted him to get better more then I wanted him home, he said the same. He knows he needs it, that has never been an issue. At this point I'm cautious, I'll keep returning to these boards to vent or maybe even bring a good story. There is hope to overcome alcoholism, isn't there? My patience only runs so deep, I will do what has to be done when the time comes. If there is one thing my divorce taught me is that I CAN make it on my own!!
Anywho, spoke with him today, even though he could have come home he has decided to stay until tomorrow so he can speak with a counselor to get into outpatient treatment. I told him I missed him but wanted him to get better more then I wanted him home, he said the same. He knows he needs it, that has never been an issue. At this point I'm cautious, I'll keep returning to these boards to vent or maybe even bring a good story. There is hope to overcome alcoholism, isn't there? My patience only runs so deep, I will do what has to be done when the time comes. If there is one thing my divorce taught me is that I CAN make it on my own!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Southwest Virginia
Posts: 2
Hello to everyone
I am also new to this site, but your post has hit close to home for me.
Just remember, it is ok that you love an alcoholic. And when they are sober; they are the most loving, affectionate people I have ever know.
It is great that you are wanting to stick by him, but I have to agree that you really need to find you an Al-anon group and a sponsor. Because if he is really serious about it this time, there are going to be some difficult times ahead. And you are going to need the support of someone, who has already been down that same road; who can help you understand what is happening.
I know for myself, I very easily blamed myself for things that were happening. (Even after soberity). Soberity is something that he is going to have to work on everyday for the rest of his life. It is not something that is here today and gone tomorrow. And you both will need to learn to handle it "One Day At A Time" together, if your relationship is going to survive.
The 12-step program has helped me so much with my relationship, but also in alot of other areas in my life. If you really love him as much as it sounds that you do. Find an Al-anon group for You! You will not regret it, I've not.
I am also new to this site, but your post has hit close to home for me.
Just remember, it is ok that you love an alcoholic. And when they are sober; they are the most loving, affectionate people I have ever know.
It is great that you are wanting to stick by him, but I have to agree that you really need to find you an Al-anon group and a sponsor. Because if he is really serious about it this time, there are going to be some difficult times ahead. And you are going to need the support of someone, who has already been down that same road; who can help you understand what is happening.
I know for myself, I very easily blamed myself for things that were happening. (Even after soberity). Soberity is something that he is going to have to work on everyday for the rest of his life. It is not something that is here today and gone tomorrow. And you both will need to learn to handle it "One Day At A Time" together, if your relationship is going to survive.
The 12-step program has helped me so much with my relationship, but also in alot of other areas in my life. If you really love him as much as it sounds that you do. Find an Al-anon group for You! You will not regret it, I've not.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: South Bend, In.
Posts: 7
I have looked into al-anon but have yet to attend a meeting, I know there is alot of support on both sides in my area. It surely can't hurt, maybe I can go when he is attending his AA meetings, would be a good way to start things off.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Hi and welcome.....I know how you feel. I came here about 5 months into my relationship with my alcoholic.
Everyone said to leave him......I love him with all my soul.............but in hindsight, wish I would have listened....becuase I know I am not strong enough to walk away and am way too involved to leave him.
Be very careful, do not believe everything you hear, do not believe everything you think, and remember to love yourself and trust your gut.
Hugs
Everyone said to leave him......I love him with all my soul.............but in hindsight, wish I would have listened....becuase I know I am not strong enough to walk away and am way too involved to leave him.
Be very careful, do not believe everything you hear, do not believe everything you think, and remember to love yourself and trust your gut.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
If you're unhappy with your relationship after 5 months, your problems will increase ten-fold over time. As others have told you already, alcoholism is a progressive disease, and unless he gets help you've only seen the tip of the iceburg.
I wish I had found this site 5 months into my relationship with AH, it's been 13 years now and in my case it has not gotten any better. With that said everyone is different and maybe he can get sober if he really wants to.
Take care
Mindi
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: folkestone, kent
Posts: 25
Sadly, even though you want to help him, you cannot do anything. He is the only person who can do this. Most of us have fallen in to the trap of thinking that we are the one person who can help him and then everything will be roses. This disease doesn't work that way. 5 months is enough. Run away and don't look back. You will only get hurt, very hurt and very disturbed by him. It won't get better. Read these messages, go to Al-anon. Alcoholics bring you down with them and then you have to climb back up painfully. The longer you stay, the harder the climb. Don't let him ruin your life....Run and don't look back!
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