Last nights soap opera/ drama fest

Old 01-29-2005, 04:38 PM
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Last nights soap opera/ drama fest

I feel like I do is deal with drama drama drama
Last night my AH was drinking by 11AM, he picked me up at school smelling like a bar room. I know I am not supposed to "engage in an arguement", but I was pissed. I say, "Gee, your drinking at 11:00??" Then I stop speaking to him. It is harrrrddd for me not to react, and I know that is my issue. Well, he uses my silence and my bieng pissed to just go hog wild with it- It gives him the excuse he needs. So he is reeeally drunk by 3:00 when I have to pick my son up at school- he has to ride with me- things went from bad to worse. He tells me that if I didn't bitch about him drinking all the time and leave him alone - unless he gets really out of hand- then he wouldn't drink so much- he says my bitching makes him even more determined to drionk and he wouldn't break things around the house if I would stop judging him about his drinking.
Is there any truth to that? I know I should not argue with a drunk, but am I supposed to just be a mouse and say nothing??? Sometimes I am so angry and sickened by his behavior and his slobbering slurring butt that I can't hold it in. What do I do??
I told him If he didn't like my bitching he could leave- that's when the kicking furniture and breaking things begins- and of course it's all my fault.
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Old 01-29-2005, 06:08 PM
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it's always are fault (the sober one). we make them drink more. it has nothing to do with them or the issues they have. i do the same thing. i try not to say anything to him when he drinks, but it get to the point that if i don't i feel like i want to kill him.my A is passed out now from hi drunkness. i had to put him on my back last night a take him to his room so that our boys didn't get up and see him. he was so drunk that the people he was out with had to pick him up to walk him home. then i got to get up and clean the pee out of my extra bed (from him). do you hate to look at your A to?
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Old 01-29-2005, 06:33 PM
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When he's drunk he makes me sick to my stomach. I know bitching doesn't work- it makes things worse. I am so tired of being called b*tch, or what ever the slur of the day is. Yes I love him- but He has got me at my end right now. It is to the point where the minute he picks up that first drink, I am giving him death looks and saying smart a*s things- that is not like the normal me.
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Old 01-29-2005, 06:46 PM
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Unhappy

Hello ellima01,

My husband is also an alcoholic and drug addict. I know exactly what you mean. They can call you names, and some how turn a horrible situation into YOUR FAULT!!!! I am going through hell right now, as a matter of fact, I just found some type of pipe my husband has used for cocaine, while I was cleaning. ONCE AGAIN, WHILE I WAS CLEANING, NOT HIM!!! Why are we the ones suffering, when they are the ones that don't care enough to make things good at home. In the back of my head, I know that... when we leave, they will truely realize what GREAT women they had. I guess I just have been trying to avoid that!! I am so sad!!
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Old 01-29-2005, 07:13 PM
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We all feel the same, it sucks living this way. My AH graduated from college with a Bachelors in Marleting with a 4.0 GPA, was an SAE, success was just waiting for him- now it is 12 years later and he's blown it, and he knows it. I work with a Doctor that was a SAE brother with him- I called my AH and told him I had seen him (my AH didn't know he was a DR>) and AH says, "Well, it's always nice to hear about friend who actually made something of themselves" He knows he's ruining his life and mine and won't do anything about it. He told me last night that he is sorry- but he is just not ready to stop drinking.
One thing that bothers me more than anything else is that I really believe he feels he is "to good" for the life we have- like he deserves more. He always complains that our house is crappy, (it isn't) and that he feels like it looks "trailer park" he thinks he is to good for the life we have.
Sometimes I think he feels like if he had just stayed on the right track- he wouldn't be married to me
or mabye it is just my insecurities
who knows
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Old 01-29-2005, 08:28 PM
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Maybe it is his self esteem and not you--sounds like even though he blames you for
everything in that moment or two before he gets his next drink I think he knows he
has ruined his life and he probably feels guilty about it also. Our As are just to weak
to do the right thing. I hope you find a way to deal with this without provoking him
kicking things and breaking things is a bad sign and often leads to more abusive
behavior. Please take care of yourself. Smiles and prayers--Dee
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Old 01-29-2005, 10:34 PM
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Originally Posted by ellima01
One thing that bothers me more than anything else is that I really believe he feels he is "to good" for the life we have
My AH is the same way, except his attitude is "GOD" like (yes, I have even bowed to him before). He thinks his way is the best way and no one but him knows anything and if you try to disagree, you get a "whatever". Then the vulgarities start flowing. (btw - I'm convinced I'm a psycho B*tch - I must have been told that at least a billion times.).

We all have insecurities. You are a beautiful person who is quite capable of taking care of herself. There is nothing to be insecure about.

((( )))
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Old 01-30-2005, 09:21 AM
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Sometimes I think he feels like if he had just stayed on the right track- he wouldn't be married to me
or mabye it is just my insecurities

that is me............
 
Old 01-30-2005, 10:03 AM
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My AH dosn't call me names, but he will go in the next room and make dirogatory (sp) comments under his breath. I just ignor him, and be thankful that I havr it together. I guess it is easier for me since he is not violent!
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Old 01-30-2005, 10:20 AM
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Consider the three C's ...

You didn't Cause the drinking, you cannot Control the drinking, and you cannot Cure the drinking. I know you're pissed. Hell, I'm the queen of anger and sarcasm. What does it get me? More insanity! If you so much as attempt to argue, reason, plead, beg, criticize, WHATEVER, with a drunk YOU will become as crazy as he or she is.

My husband gets drunk on Friday night and generally sobers up - but not all the time - on Sunday afternoon. After all, he has to be half-sane when he shows up at work on Monday. If you don't play into your A's hand and quit "dancing" with him, he'll just ratchet up the ante. My AH called the police on me this past Friday night. You know why? I slammed our bedroom door in anger and locked him out after he started getting verbally nasty with me. I have NEVER slammed a door in my entire life! He stood outside the door and demanded I speak to him. Well, I didn't want to, so he said if I didn't speak to him he was going to call the cops - which he did!

So there I stood in my skivvies at 1 a.m. explaining to a police officer that I had not threatened, pushed, shoved, brandished a knife at, or cursed at my husband - nor had I ever behaved in such a way. See how they get when you won't allow them to control you? My AH was determined I WOULD get involved in his drama-fest no matter what and I WOULD speak to him or else I would be "humiliated" in front of a law officer. Frankly, I wasn't humiliated but I sure got p.o.'d - which is EXACTLY what my AH wanted!!

I later contacted the police officer and explained the situation and apologized to him for having been called off patrol to deal with some drunk's controlling attitude. He understood and said, "No problem."

Of course, the next morning it was as if nothing happened, and my A's looney way of apologizing (which is acceptable from his point of view) was to bring me coffee in bed and ask if he could make me breakfast. THIS IS THE INSANITY OF THE DISEASE. They'll get you on the roller coaster of emotions IF YOU ALLOW THEM DO TO SO.

I slipped and allowed it. So that was yesterday. Now I'm focused on today. Now I'm focused on me. Now I'm focused on dealing with my own anger and my own expectations. Just keep this in mind: an addict will NEVER meet your expectations as long as they're in active addiction because they're incapable of meeting their own needs!

I understand that everyone blows their top when they're dealing with an alkie and when it happens to me, I run to the nearest meeting. It helps. And I quit pooping all over myself for slipping and I focus on getting back on track. It takes patience, practice and time but eventually I'll get to the point where all the b.s. the A throws off me will roll off my back - no matter how high he ups the ante!
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Old 01-31-2005, 09:21 AM
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He'll drink,break the furniture scream do whatever he is doing no matter what

you do. It's just smoke and mirrors so he doesn't have to take responsibility for himself.

So in answer to your question no it's not your fault.

Ngaire
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