Shel

lets start by saying I am still attracted to my A.....but our "relations" have been dwindling..(3x per week to MAYBE 1x) We had a falling out (persay) last night.......he called from work trying to be "sexy" on the phone...said he would be home shortly! Well I resiprocated by "getting ready" ....well 2 hours later he came home....not his fault because he was working but the mood had really passed me .....needless to say he was disappointed ..I tried to be nice but really wasn't in the mood to do certain things (monica Lewinsky...etc) really just wanted to get it overwith....he asked I said NO ...he of course didn't like my answer and left the room. Came back and gave me "its all about you" BS.......I rolled over and went to sleep...

my question is do I drop it and let it go ...or should I apologize and just explin how I feel? I do feel bad now, cuz if things were flip flopped I would feel major rejection if he said that to me. But then again he was late and still expects me to drop everything for him!?

thanks .........

elizabeth1979

Thats a tough one...I cant tell you what you should do....but i know I would be struggling with it myself...chances are good, I would not even explain it because we have the right to say we dont feel like it, and maybe he can have a rain check...when you are feeling more in the mood....i would probably not explain and just try another time......and its all about you?? Whatever is what I have to say about that...my A tries that too..yeah like what part of this life is "my way" or all about me?
Geesh!

Gracey

My A is very good looking, great body, takes very good care of himself, and that is one thing he is not selfish about. So it is not physical, it is emotional.............I cant get past the "your an *******" long enough to desire sex. I always want to get it over with.

How can I even kiss someone, or have them kiss me...............when they always **** me off..........whether it is because my H came home two hours later and I am tired now................or I just dont feel like it.............or my caretaking is over for the day.................and I just want to be left alone...I should be respected.............I feel like that is the only time he is nice to me........or the only time he approaches me..................I am offended by that.............I see who has time for who now...........and because why................ergggggggggggggg

It is more emotional for me than it is him...............I wish it werent.................sometimes........I wish I could not think about anything else but getting off like he does.........that is all he cares about.................should that be all we care about to?? Is that part of detaching......taking care of ourselves. Is that the only thing that I feel that I do that makes him happy, and why would I want to make him happy.............

Am I losing it here...............sorry guys.........

Just letting you know you are not alone...................

Gracey

I am sorry, rereading my post lets me know how off in my own little o-zone I am.......

Jane Doe

I feel exactly like Gracey does.

escape artist

i'd say YEP!! IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!!!!

Shel

Gracey...I totally agree and see now that it is me being a "codie" and that is why I feel guilty/bad! I think I will just "let it go" ......he needs to be aware of my feelings just as much as he would like me to honor his!!

minnie

Remember, girls, that our bodies are our property and we can do what we like with them. If someone doesn't like our comments or our actions, then their reaction is their problem, not ours.

We do not have to feel guilty for not doing something we don't want to do, as long as out motives are honest. How someone else deals with that is not our concern. This doesn't just apply to sex, but in all our dealings with other people.

Take care

Love

Minnie
xxx

Shel

shadylady: it is funny that you mention that about porn, as we too have had that conversation....."I am not a Porn Star" so don't "expect" me to perform like one!! LOL and I agree that it is so much more emotional for women then men....

Rose56

I relate to what Gracy said (except the part about the good looking A - I wouldn't know what that is like!) I get so turned off because I am so angry with him and don't feel connected.

Gracey

I understand what they mean, when they say you can be absolutely gorgeous, but can be the most ugliest person in the world, where looks really mean nothing.........

I use to enjoy it when my kids went away.........until I figured out what that meant for my H...........

Minnie, you are so right...........

stilltrying

But to turn this around.....My recovering A has no desire for sex with me at all. He had an affair taht ended about 6 weeks ago...(I am SURE that it has ended) but know he doesn't want anything to do with me. Talk about a blow to my self-esteem.....I just don't know how to handle this or if I should say anything at all to him.....advise would be greatly appreciated!!!

queenofthehwy

shel,

I just finally learned to let it go, it's his problem how he reacts to it. I used to say oh I'm sorry come on let's get it on baby. ewwwww. now if I don't want to, too bad for him, I'm thinking about me and what I want for a change.

stilltrying,

I don't have any advice for you, as I have never been in your situation. Sorry!

Mindi

amitiredenuff

OOOOH! This disease makes me sick. We have been made to feel crappy even about a god-given pleasure. The reason we have trouble here, girls, is that we are dealing with Addicts/Alcoholics. Selfish, self-centered. I, too, have been selfish and self-centered, but not too much to try to understand the differences between men and women and try to make it better for him. It's unbelievable what this disease breeds. We need the emotional part to make us whole. I would want him so much when he played with the girls or did the dishes or cooked supper or changed my oil or washed my car. Because of his addiction he didn't care about the emotional. He tried to please me the way he was used to being pleased (strictly physical) and it didn't work. So he tried harder and it didn't work. What is insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. During one period of sobriety I was honest with him, very gently told him what I liked and disliked. It actually caused more intimacy for a few months. Unfortunately, he really didn't get very deep into working the steps and relapsed after about 6 months clean. It was the best and most intimate time we had ever had. What we think counts. What we want counts. In Mars and Venus in the bedroom it says that if both people agree with it then it's okay for their relationship, if one doesn't want it and is really against it the other should accept that. If we compromise too much in that area, at least in my case I felt very bad about some of those compromises. I wasn't true to myself and today I have to be.

Ami

Shel

as an update ladies....I spoke with him a short time ago and apparenlty h ehas "let it go" becasue he is acting like nothing had happened. Although he did have his meeting today maybe he got it out and found that maybe not everyone agreed with him and wasn't just me! Either way I feel better talking here about it and hearing once again that I am not the only one...not that I wish this life on anyone just nice to know I am not alone!!

Shel

stilltrying: take care of yourself, maybe put all that focus towards treating yourself and not trying to figure out what is going on in his head!! Believe me if I had a dime for everytime I did that.......I would be rich!

hang in there, and most of all keep coming back to these boards...