quercusalba

I fell off the wagon again, hard. Last night, after several months of sobriety. I then proceeded to destroy my brand new marriage... I don't think my husband will be able to forgive me for drinking OR for the horrible things I said to him last night. I completely flipped out. I have severe depression and major anger issues - I stuff everything inside and then let it come boiling out in a completely destructive way. Please, say prayers for me... I am such a broken mess... I raged at my husband last night, just raged - I screamed and yelled and cried and didn't make a hell of a lot of sense most of the time... I unleashed all the pain and hurt and resentment that I had been keeping to myself and I really, really hurt the man I love most in the world. He has hurt me in the past, and I had claimed to forgive him... but last night, it became very clear that I had not. I am so incredibly sad and hurt and broken right now. I may have lost the love of my life, and it's all my fault. This hurts, it hurts so badly that I feel sick. I don't know what I am going to do. I don't know.

hopealwayz

(((((((((((big hugs)))))))))))) You are definitely in my prayers. Don't assume you've lost the love of your life because of a bad night. Sometimes we do things we regret but there is the power of forgiveness. Just pick yourself back up, dust off, and keep moving forward. What's done is done, and all we change focus on now is the present and future. That is what is still in our control. It hurts so much right now because it is a fresh, open wound but it is amazing how much time will heal the wounds. Even in relationships, time heals. I know from experience. Don't give up on what you really want. Every second is another second to turn things all around. You are in my thoughts and prayers, my dear friend.

Hope

sherbear5104

Prayers are going up. Have you been to any meetings? I know they help me in many ways. Hang in there. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get yourself back together. You did it once, you can do it again!

Sherry

rubythree

I don't know what to say....except I've done it, too. On several occassions over the past few years, my sweet husband will ask it I remembered saying I hated him while I was in a drunken stupor. Of course...I don't remember. I don't remember anything. This is one of the reasons I really need to quit drinking for good. God help me...all of the times I have completely lost large periods of time in my life. Just wasted days of precious time.
I just wanted you to know that I understand. Usually, the remorse after one of these episodes is overwhelming. Please take good care of yourself. Have a bath and something soothing to eat to get yourself physically recovering. I haven't drank in 8 days now. I know it's hard, but talking to someone that understands (like here at this site) has helped me. Good luck and hugs to you.

anomie

How was the relationship over the several months you were sober? When you love someone, you don't throw it away because of one incident (no matter how angry it was).

If you tell him that you are sorry and that you will do everything possible to stay sober, I'm sure that things will work out. No relationship is easy and it takes time and lots of practice to get things to work out right.

Let us know how things are going,

Matt

Anna

Hi Quercus,

I'm sorry to hear that you had a very bad evening. I hope that you will get back on the journey of sobriety today. Use this as a lesson to learn from and try to understand what provoked you to drink last night so you can have a plan in place the next time.

I hope that things work out with you and your husband. You said that last night you told him that you had not forgiven him for something in the past. Maybe this is very important in the relationship. Can you forgive him or was the hurt too deep? My thoughts are with you through this time.

Stay close to SR.

Love, Anna

Time2Surrender

Prayers coming your way.

quercusalba

Thank you all for your love and for your prayers. I need both desperately right now. The relationship is worlds better when I am sober; there is no comparison. I am ugly and depressed and cold and can be mean when I am drinking, and my husband definitely does not deserve that. My inability to forgive past hurts is a big deal, though. He has said and done hurtful things to me. I have called around today to try to get in to see a counselor, and I also left a message with my priest - the one who married us only two short months ago. I haven't heard back from anyone yet. I scared myself with my anger last night, I lost control and it was horrible. My husband is sick and tired of broken promises; I don't know if he has it in him to forgive me for last night. He hates me right now, I'm sure, but not as much as I hate myself. My God, I am such a broken person. Thank you all so much for holding me up at a time when I can't do it myself.


Thank you so much.

retribution

I am so sorry to hear that you made a mistake. But as everyone else says, you must pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move forward. I think that although he may have heard it before, when you become serious about your recovery, it will show clear and true to all who love you. You are in my prayers and I send a big huge hug to you!!! Let God guide you, and He will never let you down!
God Bless,
Tobi

lulu70

Prayers on their way, hon'. As another poster mentioned, going to meetings can help with pretty much every thing you mentioned in your original post. I know I could not have got this far without the love and support of the fellowship of AA and the miracle of working the 12 steps. Have you given it a try? Also, try not to beat yourself up too much. We all make mistakes, some big, some small. NO ONE is perfect. It will get better.

Hugs--

CAPTAINZING2000

INSTANT HOMEWRECKER JUST ADD ALCOHOL


Were you both drinking? Drinking destroyed my marriage. You don't have to let it destroy yours. Life is so much better w/o alcohol. Can you ask your hubby to forgive you? Try and find an open meeting, might do you and him a lot of good to both go to one.

I'll be keeping you in my prayers

quercusalba

He wasn't drinking, just me. I plan to ask him for his forgiveness - I am so sorry for all of the awful things that I said, I'm so sorry for holding onto hurt and resentment.... I'm just so sorry for hurting him. I pray that I didn't destroy my marriage, but I won't know if I did or not until tonight, when we'll both be home again. The waiting is agonizing. I cannot believe I was such an incredible jerk.

Thank you all for your prayers and advice.

CAPTAINZING2000

Communication is the key to any healthy relationship. Any hurts or misunderstandings you have in your marriage, it's best to get in the open and discussed then. Don't go digging up garbage from the past Y hang on to old resentments? I was told early in AA resentments gives someone free rent in your head.

Be honest with your husband. You have a complaint with him tlak about the complaint. Don't bring up something from the past. Stick to the issue at hand. Compromise if you have to. There are two sides to every disagreement

quercusalba

You're right of course, Captainzing - I shouldn't hold onto resentment or the past, and I need to learn how to communicate. I showered him last night with both, though. I was a lunatic. I just feel so broken and alone. It helps, though, to know that you and everyone else who has commented on this thread are here for me. I just feel like I keep on trying and I continue to fail, and each failure is a little worse than the last. I am absolutely lost right now, lost. I am so scared - scared of myself, scared of my emotions, terrified that I have lost my husband.

Thank you all for listening,
anne

retribution

Self hate, and self doubt are the hardest things to get rid of!!! I have found that yes one has to take responsibility for their actions, but they are done and over, so we apologize, make amends, and work our a$$ off to make sure it doesn't happen again. The only thing we can control, is our own actions, we cannot know or manipulate another to act the way we want. You have seen the error of your ways, you will try your hardest to do better, now it is in your husbands hands. No matter how much you worry yourself sick today, knock yourself over the head, berate yourself, it is not going to change what was done! And it is not going to change whatever decision your husband is making, or has made already. I dont mean this to sound harsh and cold, but self hate and self doubt have been my constant companions for a long time. It is self destructive behavior believe me, I speak from experience!!! Take a few deep breaths, say to yourself that worrying is not going to change anything, continue with your day, and face one moment at a time.

CAPTAINZING2000

Something that just came to mind. You have to find inner peace. The thing we learn in AA is that we have no control over people, places and things. You have to learn to have acceptence to this fact or, you're doomed to have anger which I always say is one letter short of danger

quercusalba

You're right, Tobi. Self-hate and self-doubt are huge factors in my life, too, and I don't really know how to change that. I think counseling would help. I am holding onto hurts from many years ago, in addition to hurts that my husband has caused me - holding onto these things is destroying me. And it's destroying what used to be a beautiful relationship. I am so terribly sad. I feel as though I am drowning.

trustmee75

Well, i have been where you are at. I have been married for 7 yrs.. God willing and we just went through a horrible relapse . I said thing to him i thought i would never say to another human being. He has made alot of pretty big mistakes also,I chose to forgive him and move on and let the past be that, the past. It takes effort and willingness to do that. I made alot of bad mistakes to. So when i open my mouth i have to ask myself is what I am gonna say gonna honor my marriage?Am i causing more damage? Am i doing this to hurt him back? I have 9 months clean again. I have to take a look at my thoughts and actions on a daily basis sometimes minuetly. Recovery has taught me that. I am grateful to God we are both alive and our kids are with us. I need to act like it. you will be in my prayers.

GettingFree

Hi Anne,

My beliefs tend to go down a different route than many, but I don't believe you can simply will yourself to let go of resentment. It's like magic thinking -- we feel if we just wish for it enough, pray hard enough, be good enough, self-possessed enough, calm enough, we can take the high road and 'let it all go'.

I don't think emotions work that way. Resentments about past hurts that aren't processed go underground -- they become buried rather than released -- and they often resurface in a number of ways.

It's why in relationships everything can be fine for a while -- while we're working very hard to 'let it go' -- and then boom. Some event triggers the unleashing of the resentment from the place we've buried it, often with force. And sometimes that resentment that's buried doesn't come out at the things we're resentful about, but in other ways.

But processing old -- and valid -- resentments is different than not letting someone off the hook. Processing resentment doesn't mean you keep blaming someone. It means taking it off their shoulders, saying I feel this resentment, and I need to understand it, alone and maybe together with you. When we understand the root of our resentment, give ourselves permission to feel the hurt behind it, validate the hurt, and learn comfort ourselves, we may actually be able to 'let it go'.

But I don't think simply saying "I shouldn't feel resentful" and never looking at it works all that well.

For me, it's taking a lot of hard work with a therapist to understand all this.
Have you or your husband been in counselling?

best,
gf

quercusalba

I just got an appointment with a counselor for tomorrow. I've been sitting here agonizing over what I did last night. I have also been reading some other threads.. and I guess I want to add that, like many of you, I was sexually abused. I am having a very, very hard time letting go of the pain and hurt from that, and it is very much a part of why some of my rage is directed at my husband, who deserves none of it. I need peace and healing so badly, I literally feel sick about it.

Thank you all again for listening.