chinalee78

He didn't call me on my birthday, and now he wrote me a letter--nearly 3 weeks later. In it he, again, apologizes, making sure to say that he knows it's not enough. And he says that he's "grown increasingly tired of 'having' to do things...I've come to see giving as a burden...I have found myself hardened."
I don't know what he expected me to feel from this. I mean, this only makes me feel even more so that he has become this way because I was around, well, we. I'm not saying that I think it's my fault, but that he resents us, and somewhere inside him, despite his apologies and saying that my sister and I have "been his entire life," if he could redo it, we wouldn't be here. And that pisses me off.

This sounds so cold, but I wish that he wouldn't have gone on about how much he hurts all the time, saying stuff like "Believe me, the pain I inflict on myself is severe." What am I supposed to think about this? Does he think I should just understand? God knows that's all I've been doing for the past like 25 years. I'm sick of being understanding of his pain. A year ago when my mom left him, I sobbed for him, for him, because I was worried about how much pain and shame he would feel. And my instinct right now is to be understanding.

But I can't. I'm angry. And I don't like it. It seems like I should be forgiving. It seems like the whole recovery process relies on forgiveness. Is there any room for anger, resentment? What do I do with it?

nocellphone

There's room enough for every feeling, chinalee. What's difficult for people who've suffered from the disease of alcoholism is to let those feelings happen and to let them run their course without acting out on them or trying to change them. Feelings don't come with On/Off switches. I never have a choice about what I feel; I always have a choice about how I behave.

One of the toughest lessons I've learned in recovery is that I can love someone and be angry with them simultaneously. I always though it had to be one or the other. I learned to give myself permission to just feel what I feel. There are no inappropriate feelings...

I am at the top of my forgiveness list. As Al-Anon suggests, Let It Begin With Me. I spent too much time letting it begin with everyone else!

Al-Anon is a wonderful place to find the answers to the questions you've been asking. The rooms are full of Adult Children and others who are seeking recovery from the effects of a loved one's alcoholism.

Peace!

P.S.--I like your Tori quote...

JT

Chinalee,

I have been all over the map with my father and by the way I am 52. He caused me to cry as recently as last year. I don't know if it ever entirely resolves.

Sure I forgive him...or maybe it is more like I understand him. He is an alcoholic, in AA for 30 years, and in my mind he often acts like a 4 year old. He is self centered and very spotty with his affection. That's when I revert to being 4 all over again. I bask in his approval, hurt when it is withheld and kick myself either way. It shouldn't matter at this point in my life.

I will say this, tho. It doesn't rule me anymore so I suppose it does get better. My emotional reactions to him don't last as long. I am better at seeing it for what it is. I will always be a child seeking my parents approval on some level.

Hugs,
JT

Petunia

ChinaLee,

Perfection is not the goal of Al-Anon, honest is. And at times I struggle with this b/c honest is one of the challenges of the ACOA (remember the 13 characteristics?). You asked about if there is room for resentment and I recalled a Thought of the Day that came through just this weekend which sums it up for me.

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Resent Somebody

The moment you start to resent a person you become that person's slave. He or she controls your dreams, absorbs your digestion, robs you of your peace of mind and good will, and takes away the pleasure of your work.

A person you resent ruins your spirituality and nullifies your prayers. You cannot take a vacation without that person going along! He or she destroys your freedom of mind and hounds you wherever you go. There is no way to escape the person you resent.

That person is with you when you are awake and invades your privacy when you sleep. That person is close beside you when you eat, when you drive your car, and when you are on the job.

You can never have efficiency or happiness. The person you resent influences even the tone of your voice. He or she requires you to take medicine for indigestion, headaches, and loss of energy. That person even steals your last moment of consciousness before you go to sleep.

So if you want to be a slave, harbor your resentments.

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One other piece of wisdom which has come from Al-Anon is that forgiveness is not for the other person, it is for me. I am the one who benefits from forgiveness. And when I really think about this statement it becomes truer with the deeper the hurt. I am the one who benefits from letting go. And when I remind myself of this, I can let go of the anger sooner.

This is one of the reasons that there are steps b/c it takes time to learn how to do something. I'm not gifted to jump in and get things first try, usually I need a good bit of practice to get it right.

Petunia