elizabeth1979

Hi all, I have a stupid question.
Do all A's cheat? I keep hearing these horrible sad stories about infidelity while the A is drunk and I just am wondering.

Anyone out there feel thier A has NOT been unfaithful? Also does anyone have any experience with the fear of their A finding someone else while in treatment, since they spend so much time together?
Thanks,
Sarah Elizabeth

Gracey

I dont think that anyone can answer that for sure.......but IMHO, the answer would be if the A's are not willing to get healthier for themselves and get some kind of support.........they reach out...........to anything or anyone that will make themselves feel better about themselves........not knowing that they have to find happiness within themselves..........and I think they really believe, that everyone in their life is at fault for one reason or another for making them as miserable as they are.......

I thought about something since my H did have an affair........that supposedly didnt get physical.........take that back, that didnt go as far as intercourse..............

Are home envirnoment was miserable.........no matter anymore who was at fault.........but instead of either one of us facing our problems, I Isolated myself and became unsocialable and withdrawn..........from him, and he stepped over the line with a friend (co-worker)..........was it right no.

In a way I can understand, him reaching out...........for someone to make him feel good about himself.........and I am no longer bitter......I myself was just a sick as he was but I didnt have an affair..........and I also blamed him for me being unhappy.........I have since than realized that no one is going to make me happy but me..............and I am okay with that now............I am getting healthier............I am not at fault for his misery, I am not that powerful.................he is not at fault for my misery, he is not that powerful...............I am no longer hoping he would seek recovery for me..........but for himself.........I have now set boundaries for myself, that I am ready to move forward to........if need be..........

best

When I was an active drunk, my mind and desires did wonder.
Thing was though when drunk the women didn't take the bait.

I know many who don't drink a drop but cheat.
I know a few who would never think of cheating at any time at all. (drinking or not)
The person's charactor, morals, and judgement is where I would put the most blame for such things. Though alcohol can degrade the 3 to a point. It doesn't mean alcohol will cause all to cheat.

drgnfly30

While he has threatened (while drunk) many times... I honestly don't think he has cheated in the 15 years we've been married. Do I completely trust him not to? No....

Christine

Peaches04

Famous last words, but yes - I don't think my AH would ever cheat. I think that his moral code is such that if he did cheat - it would be the ultimate failure and disappointment in himself... I think the guilt would be unbearable and that he would not cause me more pain than he already knows he has by the drinking and alcoholic behavior alone. And I know I am not alone, so no - I do not think cheating is necessarily correllated to drinking. I think cheating may lessen people's inhibitions, but I don't think it makes them do something that is absolutely against their moral code.

stilltrying

I don't think that all A's cheat. My AH cheated after being in recovery for two years. His affair happened to be with someone that was in AA with him. It is taking me some time NOT to blame alcohol OR the AA program for what happenend. I believe that is is the fault of the person....not alcohol...not AA. I had detached from the A (but not lovingly I might add) and although I do not agree with him having an affair....I understand how it happened. I was certainly not making him feel loved and we had not had intimacy for A LONG TIME. I don't think that my AH cheated at all when drinking..I don't believe that he felt good enough about himself to approach another woman, I believe that once in sobriety and spending so much time in meetings he found someone that understood what it was like to be in recovery and he was feeling better about himself and that it what lead to the affair.

elizabeth1979

Thanks everyone...I am glad that there are some out there who think that would not happen.
Still trying...your story is what I am afraid of...him finding someone that understands him better and going to her for closeness. I did try and have an intimate relationship with him even when he was dirnking, but most of the time he didnt want to. Was too drunk, or too tired, or something.

stilltrying

Elizabeth: I am a huge believer that everything happens for a reason. He and I are working on our marriage HARDER than ever before now. The affair has gotten me back into the rooms of Al-anon and has made me realize that regardless of if our marriage works or not...I will be O.K. I feel like I am getting stronger everyday and am learning how to express MY NEEDS to him in a way that I have never before. I'm sorry if my response was just what you DIDN'T want ot here. When I first found out about the affair I spent alot of time trying to figure out just how often affairs happen in AA. I guess the fact is that it doesn't matter how often they happen. It happened in my life and now I must deal with it! I also have to remember that I have NO CONTROL over someone else's actions. Each night, I hope to go to bed feeling proud of my actions throughout the day....that's all that I have control over.

Chuckles101301

My AH has not cheated on me and I do not think all A's cheat. I think cheaters cheat, A's drink, and cheater's that are A's cheat and drink. I also have not had a fear of my AH having an affair while sober and in recovery. He has a female sponsor, but for the right reasons and has been open and honest with me. She also has by all accounts been open and honest with me, inviting me to come along when they meet. I always decline because it isn't my business, its his. I have always let my AH know that if he feels like he is going to cheat on me, then do me the honor of letting me know before hand because there is obviously something missing in our relationship (and he isn't the person I thought he was). I would do him the same favor. I trust that he understands my stance on this and I have not doubted him in the least. People in AA are sharing an experience and it may be open season for a cheater, but so is any support group where feelings, emotions and troubles are shared.....al-anon for example....I go to al-anon and I don't cheat. I share things there that I haven't yet shared with my spouse and I don't cheat, because I am not a cheater. If alcohol is the reason people cheat or it opens the door for cheating, then why the affairs after sobriety? Character defects!

longlivediva

I was married to a heroin addict and alcoholic, he cheated. He didnt care. He did not care one iota. and now I am happy to say that we are no longer together...three years later and I have never been happier...no longer need to deal with his baggage..he was sick...but I dont think all AH's cheat..most of them dont have a sexual drive after all the inebriation quite frankly...I could be wrong...but it depends on the individual.

journeygal

I don't think all A's cheat, just as I don't think all A's steal or abuse their spouses/significant others.

However, I do think the same compulsions, personal issues, etc, drive a person (for lack of better wording) to do all those things, things that perhaps they would never do if they didn't have those issues. I used to think that infidelity meant lack of moral character. Maybe it does. But I don't think healthy people cheat. I think maybe that's the difference, at least in my mind. Healthy (???) people don't do any of those things, but sick people or people who are not well-adjusted do some or all of them.

cupowater

I really don't think my Ah cheats. He may get offers, but I don't think he would go there! I think his love affair is with the bottle!

dax

I never thought my husband would cheat. And I do not think he cheated while drinking. He has 26 years sobriety. For the first 12 years he was faithful but he did sponsor and talk to lots of women. They told me they felt safe with him because he did not hit in them. In the 12 th year he started a physical affair with a woman in the program he had known for 2 years. 3 years of sex, she started dating a single doctor,who she broke up with. They did not continue the sex but remained too good friends. I was home unsuspecting for everything weekend and 3 weekday nights. I was brainwashed by alanon not to question. Now I do not think all alcoholics cheat. But yes I do believe AA is a fertile ground because they share an common thing -addiction. And there are an unusually large number of single divorced women who have already wrecked one family. And I think it is cult like in that they cover for each other. Somwhere it is stated that men should share only with men and women with women but few adhere to this. I was so pathetic- I though surely this woman whould make admends, apologize and stay away form my h. It took a PI and me about to kick him out to break them up. He admits she wasn't one bit sorry for the affair.
And of course I will nev er trust him. And of course he must still go to meetings. So I pray and hold him accountable for his wearabouts. before he was free to be gone whenever he wanted. And he blew it.
As for recovering from the affair. My husband was so hooked on the 12 steps, he just assumed I would turn over 9 years of lying and cheating. His attitude has cause us 6 years of grief,,He would not go to conceling for the first 2 years.. We have a shell of a marriage - held together mainly because at our age we can't afford to divorce.[me 60-he 65]
Chuckles_ I think your husband is playing with fire. I can't think of one good reason for a woman to sponsor a man. 2 years my husband was friends with this woman befor he crossed the line. I am sorry to be blunt. I am just concerned that something unacceptable will happen.dax

StandingStrong

No, not all alcoholics cheat.
While my own Ah's past has some definate question marks in it (I don't know if he's really had sexual intercourse with someone else, can't prove it either way - but have had my suspicions)..........I want to point out that there are many men who physically cannot be sexual while drinking as it can cause erection problems.
I know a married couple that had this problem (and probably still do. I am no longer in contact with them, but hear that he is still drinking).
Personally, I think it's a very real possibility that anyone drunk (alcoholic or not) has a higher chance of cheating. We know that their inhibitions are lowered, they are not thinking clearly if at all, they can have blackouts, etc. Despite what their morals and values are, there can come a line that is crossed in their drinking that can cause them to do things they normally wouldn't, do things they don't even remember, etc.
But anyways, as I said, No, I don't believe that all alcoholics cheat.

wraybear

I have been married over 15 years and I believe my AH has not cheated. He is not the bar going type - not that that makes a difference. Three of the AA meetings he attends are males only and one is coed. But it is a Christian group and it would be more than frowned upon if that occurred. He prefers to sit on the couch, or lay in the bed and drink. And, although my AH has had a HORRIBLE drinking problem, which you would think would be against everything he believes in, i really believe he would have a very difficult time dealing with an infedelity. Besides, at this stage, he gets so drunk, I don't think any woman would want him when he is like that unless she was so drunk too. Then they would probably pass out and think they had sex when they didn't or couldn't - just a little humor.

Take care. Hope you find some peace today!

dax

Well my cheating alcoholic is very religous and believes that God loves him and does him good. I don't know how the affair and the hell it has caused him and me for the last 6 years can be something good God did for him. When he lies , things do tend to happen to reveal the lying- maybe that is God showing him the woe of his ways. Many poeple were shocked to hear of his cheating. He and she were both very active in the church when the cheating was going on. He is always big on God in the program. he is nuts his thinking is askew. Alcoholic drunk or sober are chronically ill people. dax

JennyK

My husband has never cheated. I know this. He drank in his best friend's garage, not a girl in site.

Never, and if he ever does I am out the door before he can even say "But..."

Jenny

journeygal

If you mean the alcoholic is chronically ill b/c he will always have an addiction to alcohol, I agree with you. But somehow I don't think that's what you mean...

I'm hijacking this thread a bit, but I do think that a person can be very religious or spiritual and still make bad choices. We are human, not saints. His love for God doesn't make him any less human or any less capable of making a bad decision. His affair was a bad decision and I'm sure he never thought it was the right or acceptable thing to do.

Anyway, the statement I made earlier didn't quite come out the way I meant. Not all people who cheat are bad people. Some people just choose the wrong way to deal with a problem by drinking, using, lying, gambling, cheating, overeating, stealing, etc.

But then again, some people are just jerks.

sdp

While I don;t know 100%, I don;t think my A was ever unfaithful.. Why?? Because that would be WRONG,, There is nothing wrong with his drinking- he just likes to have fun. Infidelity would be wrong.(his thoughts,not mine!!!)

There is also the fact that excessive alcohol consumption makes things, uh, difficult?? in the , uh, Equipment?? area...

elizabeth1979

THats what he said this morning when he called and mentioned his counselors name about 50 times within the 3 minute call we had. Jen this. Jen that. Jen said. Jen did. AAAAAAAAAAAAH.
Supposedly he is really connecting with her. Spare me the details...you know theres a new Offspring song out called that and I rather like it... so anyway..I am real glad he is connecting. I do not understand why they would give him a female counselor...seems fishy and tempting at best. Dax- if there is no good reason for a opposite sex sponsor...why the need for an opposite sex counselor..I am not really following the rational behind this operation......get this......I am not allowed in his room bc I am not his wife.....but his female counselor is. Good, thats nice. If a sexual relationshipe with ME would hinder his recovery (so I am told)....what in the heck do they think a relationship with his counselor would do. As my A says, what a bloody mess.