Explain these steps please..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: maryland, usa
Posts: 17
Explain these steps please..
I'd like to thank you all for my warm welcome into this group. It has taken me about 14 years to be willing to open up to someone in this context, and you've made it easier.
I'm familiar with the 12 step programs. My dad's third attempt at rehab led us all into meetings, but I was 14 and wasn't ready. It was two years later that I "let go" of the idea of god as a personal, all powerful being. So now, when I'm ready to face this, I need to know how any of you interpret or perceive these steps.
1.We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
2.Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3.Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God.
I don't see how I can do these things. I accept that I'm powerless over the effects of the alcoholism, but I don't believe that a power greater than myself can restore my sanity. I don't see how that even works with the idea that "no one can do this but you." I get the "let go" part, but not the "let god." Can someone help me understand this?
I'm familiar with the 12 step programs. My dad's third attempt at rehab led us all into meetings, but I was 14 and wasn't ready. It was two years later that I "let go" of the idea of god as a personal, all powerful being. So now, when I'm ready to face this, I need to know how any of you interpret or perceive these steps.
1.We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
2.Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3.Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God.
I don't see how I can do these things. I accept that I'm powerless over the effects of the alcoholism, but I don't believe that a power greater than myself can restore my sanity. I don't see how that even works with the idea that "no one can do this but you." I get the "let go" part, but not the "let god." Can someone help me understand this?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
There is a Step-Study at the top of the Nar-Anon board, and maybe reading that would help you understand.
It's difficult to explain these steps in a reply here, but there is a lot of helpful information and sharing there. Take a look and see if that helps.
Hugs
Ann
It's difficult to explain these steps in a reply here, but there is a lot of helpful information and sharing there. Take a look and see if that helps.
Hugs
Ann
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
As Ann said it is difficult to explain the steps in few words,but I will try based on my own understanding of them.
1.We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
You have already accepted your own powerlessness over what happened to you as a child so you are already off to a good start.
2.Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Believing in a power greater than yourself may not be a difficult as you might imagine.The mere fact that you are willing to become a part of this group whom you believe can help you is a small step towards turning it over to a "Higher Power".
The collective recovery of ACOA is in fact a power greater than you or I because the truth is we could not fix ourselves.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God."
"Let go and let God" is a popular expression heard around many 12 Step fellowships.Please bear in mind that GOD refers to the Higher Power of our own understanding and when some of us refer to GOD we are also talking about "Good Orderly Direction" and who among us can argue with "Good orderly direction".
"No one can do this but you" still remains true in light of all that was said when you bear in mind that "ONLY YOU CAN MAKE THE CHOICES".
Only you can choose to allow the healing principles of ACOA to work in your life.
1.We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
You have already accepted your own powerlessness over what happened to you as a child so you are already off to a good start.
2.Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Believing in a power greater than yourself may not be a difficult as you might imagine.The mere fact that you are willing to become a part of this group whom you believe can help you is a small step towards turning it over to a "Higher Power".
The collective recovery of ACOA is in fact a power greater than you or I because the truth is we could not fix ourselves.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God."
"Let go and let God" is a popular expression heard around many 12 Step fellowships.Please bear in mind that GOD refers to the Higher Power of our own understanding and when some of us refer to GOD we are also talking about "Good Orderly Direction" and who among us can argue with "Good orderly direction".
"No one can do this but you" still remains true in light of all that was said when you bear in mind that "ONLY YOU CAN MAKE THE CHOICES".
Only you can choose to allow the healing principles of ACOA to work in your life.
tasmin
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: dublin, Ireland
Posts: 26
tasmin
hi peter, 
just read your post and was thinking you have a great grasp of the steps.
and i was wondering if you would mind explaining the other steps like you did with steps 1 2 3?
i know its a lot to ask,
but hay all you can say is yes or no....
so i decided to break my rule of not asking anyone for anything and ask yourself.
cheeky i know, but i was impressed by your grasp of the steps and it made it easier for me to understand them.
all the best
tasmin
just read your post and was thinking you have a great grasp of the steps.
and i was wondering if you would mind explaining the other steps like you did with steps 1 2 3?
i know its a lot to ask,
but hay all you can say is yes or no....
so i decided to break my rule of not asking anyone for anything and ask yourself.
cheeky i know, but i was impressed by your grasp of the steps and it made it easier for me to understand them.
all the best
tasmin
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
It is said about the first three steps...
I can't.
He can.
Let Him.
That is overly simple I know but when we truly accept that we are powerless we are forced to let go of the details. They are just noise anyway...the details, I mean.
Once I accept that I am powerless over other people, places and things what in the world is going to happen then?? What will happen if I don't clean up the mess? Pour the booze? Count the beer cans? Wait at the window? Someone has to be in charge..the alcoholic can't be! That is my HP...that is the one who takes care of the alcoholic....and me. I got so tired of trying to control the uncontrollable and having no success...I had to stop. I had to turn it over.
Hugs,
JT
I can't.
He can.
Let Him.
That is overly simple I know but when we truly accept that we are powerless we are forced to let go of the details. They are just noise anyway...the details, I mean.
Once I accept that I am powerless over other people, places and things what in the world is going to happen then?? What will happen if I don't clean up the mess? Pour the booze? Count the beer cans? Wait at the window? Someone has to be in charge..the alcoholic can't be! That is my HP...that is the one who takes care of the alcoholic....and me. I got so tired of trying to control the uncontrollable and having no success...I had to stop. I had to turn it over.
Hugs,
JT
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
I would be happy to give my own understanding of Steps 4,5 and 6.
4."Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."
For me being "Fearless and searching" meant I had to go to some people who had known me a long time and ask them to tell me some hard truths about myself.People who had my best interest at heart who I knew would be honest with me.It is not always easy for me to see my own character defects or good qualities.
Step four was able to help me to identify the good things about myself that I needed to improve on( innovative) and to isolate the bad things that I wanted to throw out( impatience)
5."Admitted to God, to our selves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."
There is power in the spoken word. Saying out loud the harmful things I had done others carried a powerful sense of reality to me.No longer did they just seem like abstact thoughts in my bed at night,I really did those things to my neighbours.
"Exact nature" was also the operative term for me in this Step."Exact nature" meant that not only did I have to account for "what" I did, I also had to examine 'why" I did it.
In other words:"I was abusive to my ex wife."
Why?
Because she nagged me too much?
Yes, perhaps but probably more because I thought that by using force and manipulation I could forever keep her bound to me.Step five forced me to closely examine my motives for doing some of the things I did.
6."Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."
Bcause of my struggles with the God issue during my early days in recovery it was easier for me to accept that I needed to have some direction in my life and my character defects of impatience and anger were certainly not good orderly dirction.
I made a promise to myself and my sponsor to change my old ways because I was beginning to understand that "unmanagability" of my emotions was making it difficult to handle simple challenges in my life.
Just driving to work in morning traffic was a trmendous challenge for me because of the character defect of "impatience".
Steps 4,5 and 6 allowed me to continue the process of working on myself and my relationship with a Higher Power so that I could go on in 8,9 and 10 to improve relationships with my fellow human beings.
4."Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."
For me being "Fearless and searching" meant I had to go to some people who had known me a long time and ask them to tell me some hard truths about myself.People who had my best interest at heart who I knew would be honest with me.It is not always easy for me to see my own character defects or good qualities.
Step four was able to help me to identify the good things about myself that I needed to improve on( innovative) and to isolate the bad things that I wanted to throw out( impatience)
5."Admitted to God, to our selves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."
There is power in the spoken word. Saying out loud the harmful things I had done others carried a powerful sense of reality to me.No longer did they just seem like abstact thoughts in my bed at night,I really did those things to my neighbours.
"Exact nature" was also the operative term for me in this Step."Exact nature" meant that not only did I have to account for "what" I did, I also had to examine 'why" I did it.
In other words:"I was abusive to my ex wife."
Why?
Because she nagged me too much?
Yes, perhaps but probably more because I thought that by using force and manipulation I could forever keep her bound to me.Step five forced me to closely examine my motives for doing some of the things I did.
6."Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."
Bcause of my struggles with the God issue during my early days in recovery it was easier for me to accept that I needed to have some direction in my life and my character defects of impatience and anger were certainly not good orderly dirction.
I made a promise to myself and my sponsor to change my old ways because I was beginning to understand that "unmanagability" of my emotions was making it difficult to handle simple challenges in my life.
Just driving to work in morning traffic was a trmendous challenge for me because of the character defect of "impatience".
Steps 4,5 and 6 allowed me to continue the process of working on myself and my relationship with a Higher Power so that I could go on in 8,9 and 10 to improve relationships with my fellow human beings.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Here's the way it works for me
1- We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
I tried everything I could to overcome the effects of my "toxic family". Nothing worked. My life was unmanageable and chaotic. It was clear to me that I had no power to change those effects, so I wound up in ACoA out of desperation. My presence in the meetins was an implicit admition of my powerlesness, otherwise I would be out partying and having a normal life.
2.Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
I work this one backwards. My life was insane. Chaotic, out of control and very unhealthy. The last phrase reads "restore us to sanity". This little phrase saved my life, because it points out to me that the insanity of my life is _not_ something I was born with. I was born as normal and healthy as everybody else, and I can _return_ to a normal and healthy life. This phrase tells me that there is hope for me, I am _not_ a lost cause.
The next phrase, working backwards "a power greater than ourselves" is just a consequence of step one. Since I admit I don't have the power to overcome the effects of my childhood, I must find something more powerful than me.
The next phrase, still working backwards "Came to believe" tells me that accepting this "greater power" is not expected of me right away. It is an acceptance that the program of ACoA, and the "old timers" in that program, have to _show me_. How, exactly, do they show me? By sharing with me how their lives used to be, what happened to change their lives, and how their lives are now. By listening to their stories I can identify with the feelings they experienced, recognize that _they_ found a power greater than themselves and that such power really did help them overcome the effect of their toxic families.
Only after hearing their stories, becoming convinced that they felt the same pain I felt, and realizing that their lives now are the way I would like my life to be, did I then finally believe that such a transformation could happen in my life.
I arrived at ACoA as a result of believing in step 1. By attending meetings and listening to other members I saw _evidence_ of the existence of the power mentioned in step 2.
3.Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God.
Step 3 is the result of steps 1 and 2. Since I want to change my life, and I can't change it myself, I have to find some power greater than me to change it for me. I have found a group of people who have done exactly that, so I have to make a decision to do as they did if I want to get the results they got. That decision is what I have to make in order to complete step 3.
Whadya think?
Mike :-)
1- We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
I tried everything I could to overcome the effects of my "toxic family". Nothing worked. My life was unmanageable and chaotic. It was clear to me that I had no power to change those effects, so I wound up in ACoA out of desperation. My presence in the meetins was an implicit admition of my powerlesness, otherwise I would be out partying and having a normal life.
2.Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
I work this one backwards. My life was insane. Chaotic, out of control and very unhealthy. The last phrase reads "restore us to sanity". This little phrase saved my life, because it points out to me that the insanity of my life is _not_ something I was born with. I was born as normal and healthy as everybody else, and I can _return_ to a normal and healthy life. This phrase tells me that there is hope for me, I am _not_ a lost cause.
The next phrase, working backwards "a power greater than ourselves" is just a consequence of step one. Since I admit I don't have the power to overcome the effects of my childhood, I must find something more powerful than me.
The next phrase, still working backwards "Came to believe" tells me that accepting this "greater power" is not expected of me right away. It is an acceptance that the program of ACoA, and the "old timers" in that program, have to _show me_. How, exactly, do they show me? By sharing with me how their lives used to be, what happened to change their lives, and how their lives are now. By listening to their stories I can identify with the feelings they experienced, recognize that _they_ found a power greater than themselves and that such power really did help them overcome the effect of their toxic families.
Only after hearing their stories, becoming convinced that they felt the same pain I felt, and realizing that their lives now are the way I would like my life to be, did I then finally believe that such a transformation could happen in my life.
I arrived at ACoA as a result of believing in step 1. By attending meetings and listening to other members I saw _evidence_ of the existence of the power mentioned in step 2.
3.Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God.
Step 3 is the result of steps 1 and 2. Since I want to change my life, and I can't change it myself, I have to find some power greater than me to change it for me. I have found a group of people who have done exactly that, so I have to make a decision to do as they did if I want to get the results they got. That decision is what I have to make in order to complete step 3.
Whadya think?
Mike :-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: maryland, usa
Posts: 17
Thank you for all your input, and I can see that it is a conversation that helped others, too.
So, I'm going to put this in my own words and in the way it seems to work for me.
Step One: I have no control over why, when, or how my dad drinks. Never did. His problems go far beyond me, so I can't expect to be the one to fix them. As for me, I can't undo what was done to me as a kid. I can't pretend I'm fine, that I just moved on. It's not my fault that I have these natural reactions or insecurities. And the source of it is too vast to expect myself to solve my problems on my own.
Steps Two and Three: Here's where I was having trouble. But I think I get it now. If I know that I can't fix it by myself, then I have to believe that there's help out there for me. In my own internal book of understanding, I see "God" as the power created by souls united in a common purpose, which is why love is infinite. So, that higher power that I can rely on to guide me through this is the unified spirit of love, understanding, and compassion that comes from fellow ACoA, fellow survivors, and really from people at large. If I believe in that, then I believe that there is always someone willing to help me. I just have to be willing to ask.
Based on that understanding, I think I'm somewhere between steps one and two. So, what do I do to fully reach step two?
So, I'm going to put this in my own words and in the way it seems to work for me.
Step One: I have no control over why, when, or how my dad drinks. Never did. His problems go far beyond me, so I can't expect to be the one to fix them. As for me, I can't undo what was done to me as a kid. I can't pretend I'm fine, that I just moved on. It's not my fault that I have these natural reactions or insecurities. And the source of it is too vast to expect myself to solve my problems on my own.
Steps Two and Three: Here's where I was having trouble. But I think I get it now. If I know that I can't fix it by myself, then I have to believe that there's help out there for me. In my own internal book of understanding, I see "God" as the power created by souls united in a common purpose, which is why love is infinite. So, that higher power that I can rely on to guide me through this is the unified spirit of love, understanding, and compassion that comes from fellow ACoA, fellow survivors, and really from people at large. If I believe in that, then I believe that there is always someone willing to help me. I just have to be willing to ask.
Based on that understanding, I think I'm somewhere between steps one and two. So, what do I do to fully reach step two?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hi there Chinalee :-)
hmmm... me thinks you are doing just fine :-) You've got a really good HP there, and I think the answer to your question can be found in your own post.
Sounds to me like you have begun the process of asking by posting on this forum. I would suggest that you might want to make the "asking" more direct and effective by getting a sponsor. Either at a regular meeting of ACoA or at a "mixed" meeting of both Al-Anon and ACoA. If you have not found a person that you feel would make a good sponsor you can get a "temporary sponsor" who can help you in your search.
From reading your posts, I thinks that you would complete your step two and be ready to start on step three when you accept a sponsor as a friend into your program of recovery.
Whadya think?
Mike :-)
Originally Posted by chinalee78
Based on that understanding, I think I'm somewhere between steps one and two. So, what do I do to fully reach step two?
Originally Posted by chinalee78
... If I believe in that, then I believe that there is always someone willing to help me. I just have to be willing to ask....
From reading your posts, I thinks that you would complete your step two and be ready to start on step three when you accept a sponsor as a friend into your program of recovery.
Whadya think?
Mike :-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: maryland, usa
Posts: 17
Mike,
Your suggestion brings up an interesting innate response of mine, which is that I have doubt that a sponsor would have the answers I need or would be reliable or consistently available. I know that this is self-defeatist,which is probably my most infamous ACoA trait (although it's not actually on the list), and of course it's a residual of not having anyone reliable ever. This is where the gap between Step One and Step Two becomes difficult for me to bridge. Maybe you or anyone else out there can help me with this by explaining how someone becomes a sponsor and what they do?
Also, your point about it seeming that I'm making the right steps by posting on the forum got me thinking. The great thing about this format is that I don't see you, I don't know you, and I have no expectations of any of you to be there for me. It's quite easy to open up to you. None of you have to see my reactions, you don't have as much of an opportunity to judge me by my appearance, my attitude, etc., nor do I have the opportunity to judge any of you. (I think that as part of my defense arsenal, I am wickedly hypercritical--never openly, of course--I'm not proud.) I have the schedule of meetings in my area, I've even cleared my calendar so that I can go, I just don't know if I'm ready.
Any suggestions, anyone?
Your suggestion brings up an interesting innate response of mine, which is that I have doubt that a sponsor would have the answers I need or would be reliable or consistently available. I know that this is self-defeatist,which is probably my most infamous ACoA trait (although it's not actually on the list), and of course it's a residual of not having anyone reliable ever. This is where the gap between Step One and Step Two becomes difficult for me to bridge. Maybe you or anyone else out there can help me with this by explaining how someone becomes a sponsor and what they do?
Also, your point about it seeming that I'm making the right steps by posting on the forum got me thinking. The great thing about this format is that I don't see you, I don't know you, and I have no expectations of any of you to be there for me. It's quite easy to open up to you. None of you have to see my reactions, you don't have as much of an opportunity to judge me by my appearance, my attitude, etc., nor do I have the opportunity to judge any of you. (I think that as part of my defense arsenal, I am wickedly hypercritical--never openly, of course--I'm not proud.) I have the schedule of meetings in my area, I've even cleared my calendar so that I can go, I just don't know if I'm ready.
Any suggestions, anyone?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hi there ChinaLee :-)
A reasonable doubt :-) A sponsor is _not_ supposed to have answers for you. They are not a shrink, counselor or anything of the sort. A sponsor is someone who has recently overcome the challenges in life that you are about to face. A sponsor tells you what the answers were for _them_, from which you decide if those answers apply to you. A sponsor also introduces you to other members of the program who have a healthy, positive life and warns you about weirdos and losers who would be a waste of your time.
When people share at a meeting you will get a good idea of their lives, where they are coming from and whether or not their experience is something you could benefit from. It may take a few meetings before you find somebody that is a good match for you. At that point you ask them if they would be a "temporary sponsor" for you, and direct you to other people who might be a better, long term sponsor.
After a month or so, you will know if your temporary sponsor is reliable and consistently available. If not that person, then another one, and you will be able to pick someone that you can use on a long term basis. Ideally, a sponsor will become a good friend over time.
Welcome to ACoA. That's a very common characteristic among us. I find that being extremely observant of people's personality, quick to arrive at an assesment and conclusion, and even quicker at placing myself in a safe position based on that assesment, literally saved my life as a child. Never mind saving my sanity. I was exposed to a number of emotionally, physically and sexually abusive adults. The ability to avoid or manipulate those adults was essential to my survival.
Now that I have safely withdrawn from that environment I find that those skills had become reflexes. They are no longer necessary. I can take quite a bit more time to asses people, and be far more forgiving of their humanity. The reflexes, however, are still there, and it has been thru this program of recovery that I have been able to convert those reflexes into tools that I control, instead of having them control me.
Well, if you consider _why_ people go to a meeting you might realize that they are all there for the same reason you are. Because we all have feelings and emotions that we are unable to resolve on our own and need the support and encouragement of others. We are all just as hesitant and insecure about _you_, as you are about us. Our life stories may be different, but the feeling and injuries within us are all very much the same.
If you feel that you are not quite ready to participate in a meeting where people discuss their experience, strength and hope in overcoming the emotional injuries we received in our toxic families, then consider that it is exactly that hesitation and insecurity that makes you eligible to be a member in our fellowship :-)
If you were 100% self-confident, uncompromisingly self-assured and completely free of any doubt, well then you would have no need of a meeting ;-)
Whadya think?
Mike :-)
Originally Posted by chinalee78
... I have doubt that a sponsor would have the answers I need or would be reliable or consistently available... explaining how someone becomes a sponsor and what they do?
When people share at a meeting you will get a good idea of their lives, where they are coming from and whether or not their experience is something you could benefit from. It may take a few meetings before you find somebody that is a good match for you. At that point you ask them if they would be a "temporary sponsor" for you, and direct you to other people who might be a better, long term sponsor.
After a month or so, you will know if your temporary sponsor is reliable and consistently available. If not that person, then another one, and you will be able to pick someone that you can use on a long term basis. Ideally, a sponsor will become a good friend over time.
Originally Posted by chinalee78
... I think that as part of my defense arsenal, I am wickedly hypercritical--
Now that I have safely withdrawn from that environment I find that those skills had become reflexes. They are no longer necessary. I can take quite a bit more time to asses people, and be far more forgiving of their humanity. The reflexes, however, are still there, and it has been thru this program of recovery that I have been able to convert those reflexes into tools that I control, instead of having them control me.
Originally Posted by chinalee78
... I have the schedule of meetings in my area, I've even cleared my calendar so that I can go, I just don't know if I'm ready.
If you feel that you are not quite ready to participate in a meeting where people discuss their experience, strength and hope in overcoming the emotional injuries we received in our toxic families, then consider that it is exactly that hesitation and insecurity that makes you eligible to be a member in our fellowship :-)
If you were 100% self-confident, uncompromisingly self-assured and completely free of any doubt, well then you would have no need of a meeting ;-)
Whadya think?
Mike :-)
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