rara

Hi--I told my sad story here recently. I have a question that has probably been discussed MANY times here in one form or another, but this involves driving drunk.

My AH (like many) sometimes drinks more than he should when he needs to drive, but then I drive or someone else with him drives. He has always been very concerned about not driving drunk until NOW. A new crisis along with the 100 others. Recently, as his alcoholism progresses, :yelling and I am already trying to live day to day thinking about how soon I may or may not leave (this depends on getting job and finances, etc. which I am working on...)...I've noticed that when he's out by himself it seems he's driving home a "little" drunk more and more. I know, I know. I am almost immune to so many things now I go on with my life and barely notice...but the other night he went to a business dinner over an hour away and came home DRUNK. With his tolerance level being so high, I'm figuring he really drank a lot and basically didn't care that he was endagering his life and especially OTHERS!! This makes me crazy and scared to death. I said nothing at the time because talking to him in that state is useless.

But this really has me worried, because he is in so much denial now that I'm not sure he even notices or cares. I want to tell him I'm concerned about him endangering lives, but I imagine he'll deny it and scream at me. I talked to my counselor and she suggested I call the state police and ask advice. They said they can't do anything unless he's caught red-handed and can he go to counseling????? HA. We do have very tough DUI laws here if he's caught. I hope he is--but don't want him killing somebody beforehand. I have told my adult stepson and stepdaughter and they are upset (finally) and SS said he will talk to him. Not sure if this will help. I also told them they can't keep rescuing him. I am pushing for all his kids to talk to him together since he won't listen to me. Maybe too hopeful. Well, who has been through this?? I need to hear it from the troops! Thanks.

wraybear

Rara, my AH has always driven drunk. 3 years ago he was in a very very bad wreck with our children. He was in hospital for 2 1/2 months and still suffers many physical complications. One daughter was hospitalized for 13 days.

He STILL drinks and drives. It took me about one year to "trust" him again, and then about one year later I caught him doing it again, WITH THE KIDS.

So, drunks drive. I have had his sponsor and other buddies tell me repeatedly DRUNKS DRIVE, PERIOD. They have told me I can't have that expectation, and if I want to ensure my children's safety, I should never let him be responsible for driving them anywhere ever.

So, you can tell him how you feel, his kids can tell him how they feel, but will it make a difference? Probably not.

Most drunks would never have the courage to say "i am too drunk to drive, can someone get me home" - even though we all know that would be the wise thing to do, we all know drunks aren't wise when under the influence.

The question has come up here before about turning your spouse in and I have usually responded with "I couldn't do it" because, selfishly I know, I would suffer the financial burden of court, etc. He has very limited income, and I need every penny I can get. Now, logically, of course I would turn him in - he is putting others lives in danger. That seems like a no brainer. But, I have no brain!!!

It can't hurt to call the police and ask what they think, what are your options, how will it affect you, I guess if he is in a horrible wreck, and you have joint insurance, you could be sued too. Of course, i would make sure you do this anonomously until you decide what YOU want to do.

Good luck with this situation, i know it is so worrisome to think of them out on the streets this way. And they couldn't care less. It is so sad.

rara

Thanks, Wraybear. I think I knew when I posted that my story would be tame compared to many others. I am sorry that you've had to suffer with the car accident, etc. It is incredibly sad and mind-boggling that they don't care about doing this...but then again it's not, because they can ruin their health, their marriage, their reputation, their children.....why am I surprised?

The policeman I spoke with said I could charge him myself with endangerment or something and then I would have to testify against him to prove it. No, I can't do that!!!! He even said--you don't want to do that, do you? Clearly he hears that all the time.

I don't think talking to him will help either. Only if several family members do--some hope--because he says I am the ONLY person who has ever told him he drinks too much! Pretty funny.

Time2Surrender

I met a wonderful woman here in Oregon.We were both in AA.We fell in love and she moved in with me.Then we decided to get married.We set a date for 7-15-00.We had a small wedding planned in Tillamook,Oregon.On 6-25-00,three weeks before our wedding day,I went to home depot and picked up some stuff for the yard.It was a beautiful day,and I had been planting a few things.She was going to go with her mother and have a burger then meet me at the AA meeting later that evening.She never showed up.I stopped at the grocery store on the way home.I remember hearing a lot of siren's when I was leaving Forest Grove,and didnt really think much about it.Not soon after I got home a police officer showed up.He sat me down,asked if I knew asked my name etc.and if I knew Corinna ....... and Linda ....... and was writing it down in his little book.I will never forget the look on his face as he closed that little book,then looked at me and said " Mr. ......... there is no easy way for me to tell you this" I freaked out.I totally lost.She had been killed. http://www.co.washington.or.us/sheri...a/ftl_1car.htm her mother had survived barely and was in the ICU.She stayed there for 3 weeks.They had went out for some burgers and decided to have a few drinks.She lost her only daughter and I lost someone I loved very much.I got to spend the next few days making funeral arrangements.Yes,drinking and driving is not only a selfish crime but also can have some very bad consequences.

rara

I am so, so sorry Time2Surrender. I hear stories on the news all the time about the same types of tragedies involving drunk drivers, and that is my biggest fear. What a terrible tragedy you suffered. You had met in AA, things were looking brighter in recovery, and then 3 weeks before your wedding...How devastating for you. I went to the link you sent. It is certainly stark and shocking to read. It sounds like you truly loved Corinna. It also seems you have surrendered to your recovery despite the terrible loss you suffered, and I have enormous respect for that. I can imagine how hard it must be to want to go back.

I wish you all the best in your recovery and in your life, and thank you for sharing your story.

TinyVoice

yes...there are too many stories. my cousin just crossed the center line and hit a young woman head on. she was killed instantly. he was not hurt at all. she was 23 had her whole life ahead of her, was pretty, a teacher, well liked. tragic. he's been an addict and drunk all his life. he was drunk and on drugs at 7 AM.

my ex-ASO drank and drove all the time. would always have a beer while driving...picks up a six pack on the way home from work. he has an hour commute...drinks all the way home. it's pathetic. i told him i would never marry him as i do not want to see all my money go to lawyers and have to deal with the shame and guilt when he kills some child or other innocent person. his son has had 2 DUI's and they went so easy on him. they complained about how harsh the laws are. RIGHT. I think he should have had a year's jail time personally, for 2 DUI's in a row.

HUGS....tough situation

rara

Hi Tiny,

Wow, it is unbelievable to me, always will be, that people drive drunk and kill people and ruin their own lives and many others. I'm sorry about what you've gone through. I'm also glad you left your ASO because of his history (must have been tough anyway!). What a disaster if you had to worry about him driving with the kids, never mind the lawsuits. You know, it's funny I never even thought about lawsuits when I posted this thread. Now I am. I am still feeling like this issue is like a bad dream and overwhelmed...gee that's not new.

I don't know what I'm going to do. DUI is something very scary and I don't know how to deal with it. I am talking to his children and at least for once it's not all on MY shoulders.

Thanks, and I LOVE Australia. I visited once. I should just move there and forget all this!

dreamcatcher

Today I am going to court as my AH is being sentenced for his 3 rd DUI in a year and a half. The last one involved a pedestrian. This person wasn't hurt seriuosly but he will be going away for awhile. Start preparing for it to happen mentally and financially. It is a nightmare.

KATIE77

Hi. I can relate to how you feel. Last year (summer) a guy was killed at the lights not far from my home. He was hit by a drunk driver. The guy had a family and young children and even this morning as I drove to work I noticed the fresh flowers tied around the post. There are always fresh flowers and a wreath saying "Dad". Well the weekend after it happened my (now ex) AB and I had an argument about his drinking. I left his house and he continued to drink. Then at 5am I had a phone call from him saying can you open the door I am outside!! I wondered what he was doing outside my door so went down and opened it. Sure enough there he was dancing around my front garden singing "its a suprise!!!!" He was totally wasted. I got him inot bed then it dawned on me how did he get there??? I asked him if he got a cab - he sid no. I asked him how and he said dont be angry. It was then I knew. I said you drove didnt you!! He thought it was really funny. I spoke to his friends the next day to let them know where he was. They had apparently put him to bed as he was asleep on the kitchen floor. He must have woken up to drive to mine!! His job involves driving so not only could he have lost his licence/job he could have killed others or himself!! His drunken behaviour was selfish and inconsiderate. Even when I passed the lights and saw those flowers this morning I realise what a lucky escape he had. We now have to hide his keys. Sad but necessary!!! My thoughts are with you .((())))

rara

Dreamcatcher,

It sure sounds like a %^&%&!* nightmare. How can they keep doing this?? We will never understand. I'm sorry about your situation, you must have been so upset that he hit someone, and now jail??? My eyes are opening, I think AH knows at least somewhat, but what good does that do right now.

My thoughts are with you. Let us know what is happening? It sound like you could use the support.

rara

Katie,

Your story hit home, could end up being me. I was struck by "he really thought it was funny", because my AH seemed so jolly when he came home last week after driving drunk. For him, this is new. He is a business owner (many employees do most of the work, he runs it) and his reputation is definitely at stake!! This would have horrified him six months ago. If he loses his license, I don't care because it would totally freak him out. It's much more important to me that no one gets hurt! It is selfish and inconsiderate. But then again so is almost everything an A does.

thank you

KATIE77

Hi Rara
He honestly did. He was rolling around my front garden like I had told the biggest joke in the world. A are very selfish. Once they are drunk they are in another world, an unrealistic world where nobody looses a licence, nobody dies. Because of his behaviour who would have been affected?? - me...I would have lost the guy I loved. Him.... he could have lost his job, his life. His employer.... lost an employee. His parents ....lost a son. And for the person he kills.... their families would loose a loved one. But oh no this did not matter. Well tell that to the children of the guy who died who put flowers on the post every week. They wont be laughing for a long long time.
I pray he changes his behaviour. As I said I had to resort to taking his keys and hiding them. I couldnt trust him not to go off. You are in my thoughts ((Hugs)))

Sherella

Hi,
I don't know if this will help, my husband drinks straight vodka he downs it all at once then downs a huge can of malt liquor, he likes the rush, by doing that he is completely drunk within a half hour, to the point of losing his bodily functions, he use to just put a video in then watch it over and over until he went to sleep, but a couple of months ago he started waking up from these stupors and driving to the store for more, he couldn't remember even driving much less anything that happened the day before. So the last time he did this I couldn't wake him up, I called the police, they called the medics, they came and when they had gotton him awake, they were going to leave him, they said by law a man had a right to get drunk in his own house, but I said no I wanted him to go to detox, the police came and took him,which they didn't really want to do but I persisted. He was there for twenty four hrs. When he got out, he was angry with me, but couldn't remember much. I explained to him I couldn't get him awake, so he calmed down. My point is this, he always felt that he could do what ever he wanted in his own home, he would dare me to call the police, knowing that they couldn't do anything. Now he know's that they can and did take him away in handcuffs, and be escorted to detox,
if I wanted them too, which gave me a little leverage, because I told him that if he chose to get as drunk as he was, and if he took the car I would in fact call the police again, he left me no choice.
The police now know he has a problem, when ever their in the neighborhood they cruise by, slow down and then keep going. He feels as though they are watching him, which if that's the only way to keep him from driving and possibly killing someone then although I feel ashamed, in a small way it's a relief.

Let me say also, we don't have alot of money, I am handicapped, which makes him the sole provider and if I have to go one step further, and have him commited, he could lose his job, he could decide to leave me, we could lose our home. all of which would be devasting to me, but I don't think I could live with myself if I knew there was something I could do, and simply chose not to do it because I was to afraid of losing everything. I guess you have to ask yourself if what your trying to hold on to is worth everything that you have, "including yourself"

rara

Shel,

Thanks for sharing your story with me. It is such a help to me to hear how people have dealt with this particular issue. I admire your courage, I really do, I think you probably have a lot more to lose than I do considering your circumstances. Calling the police must have been really hard, just getting to that point (and your AH getting to that point with his drinking).

I think I do understand your fear of having something happen if he drives to the point of doing what you did---I say I think because this is a "new" thing for me and I am still reeling from it. On top of everything else, it's almost like I can't even take it in yet. My AH doesn't get "really drunk" that often, at least not outwardly, I mean. It is a consistent thing with an occasional big drunk. Not that that is any better, it's just how he is. So when it does happen I still get sort of shocked, crazy as that sounds. It's amazing what you get used to.

The police here won't arrest my AH unless he is caught red-handed outside, as I said. Taking away the keys will be a horror show--not if we're out and I drive when he's drinking--that's fine with him, but if he's going out himself anywhere outside of errands, etc. Doesn't drink early in the day. Not sure how I can control that! I have gotten the word out to the in denial family, I am so tired of the responsibility all on me. At least they will know and it will be on their shoulders too if they choose not to get involved so I feel a little relieved. But, so far no takers. They are horrified that I told them, can't deal with it.

You have a lot to lose Shel, you are not in an easy position to be on your own, considering, and you have a lot of courage and strength to put that on the line. I hope I have that strength in the future.

I wish you all the very best in what you are coping with. More strength, courage, peace. I hope you have family and friends to support you in this also. Please keep us posted.

Sherella

Thanks Rara,
I never thought I would do it, I often thought about it and every once in a while I'd say I,am calling the police, but I think I surprised myself, as it wasn't something I planned, I am sure a lot of people have gone to detox, so to someone whose been there it's probably a piece of cake, but even if it didn't help him, it made me realize that I could do something, I wasn't a complete victim so to speak. We all find our selves in different circumstances and no to are just alike, but I think if we can just take a little of that power back that we've been giving them for years, we could actually start
feeling better about ourselves and our situations. Baby steps, as my daughter would say. Yours sounds like mine use to be, at one time all he drank was beer, he had a can in his hand from morning till night, but never seemed to get too drunk, just sort of mellow, and then he quit for about ten years, stopped cold, no drugs, beer, or cigerettes, so I never saw this coming, all one summer I kept finding bottles outside and complaining that the neighborhood was going down hill. Did I feel dumb when I found out it was him.
when the time comes, you'll figure out what to do, and you'll find that you have more strength then you think you do. Sometimes I think we expect to much at one time, not realizing that it's the little things piled on top of one another that make a heap. Savor those times when you step out and do the unexpected, you'll soon find yourself looking for other ways to make things better. Today you made my day better. Baby steps. Thank you.....

dreamcatcher

I can't say it enough. Instead of trying to control his drinking and driving which believe me YOU CAN'T. Start PROTECTING yourself. Have him take out an individual auto insurance policy so you don't get dropped when he gets a DUI. Have the car he drives only registered to him, if you have any other vehicles have them registered to you. Start putting money aside. Check into homesteading your home so if he hurts someone you don't lose your home. BELIEVE ME I never thought I would have do deal with this nightmare. 3 DUI's the last one he hit a pedestrian. He now is in prison. I could have written 90% of the threads on this forum. The disease is in progress.

rara

How could you ever have known he was drinking again after all that time...you're not dumb. I was ecstatic when my AH stopped for 3 days and shattered when he went back!! How's that for being foolish! You grab at the crumbs. Yes, I think the little things piled on top of another and then a big thing comes and you're just overwhelmed...worn out, jumpy, kind of crazy yourself. Trying to get others to face it is exhausting--yes there is a VERY BIG elephant in the room. I'd like one other person, like his 3 adult children, to step in. I know they can't stop him, but he would listen at least and I wouldn't be the only one dealing with this--if he may kill himself or someone else, I want others to know what is going on now. Denial I know, but I can't understand it anyway, he's their father. I am letting out the family secret...my mother says I am courageous but I feel like the ant at the bottom of the hill.

Now, the note from Dreamcatcher below is something we should both listen to. Her suggestions may be good for you to look into...please do protect yourself. Will your daughter or someone else help you? And DC has been there, is suffering from it right now.

Be in touch! Take care of yourself.

ahcb

Another suggestion,
If he is driving drunk, and you know he is CALL THE COPS! An arrest is better than killing someone and the "drunk school" may open thier eyes. (perhaps not) I understand now that If I know my A is driving, and i do nothing, i am just as guilty

Daffodil

Each of us have our own boundaries that if crossed, we must take action. One of mine is driving while drunk. I will and have called the police on someone I knew to be driving and drinking.
I needn't go into to details, it's enough to say, I have had family members killed by drunk drivers and I live with active drunks. They know I will make that call. No they don't drive while drinking today but I didn't make the calls to protect the A's in my life. I did it to protect someone else's child. I am the sober one, my thinking, behavior, and reasoning isn't being controlled by the family disease of alcoholism especially where driving is concerned.

I can only share my ESH with you on this subject. What works for one may not work for all. Only you know what you can live with.

dreamcatcher

I agree with calling the police, unfortunately we more times than not are aware of them drinking and driving after the fact. The things I mentioned above may cost a little extra, but will at least you will have some peace of mind. Someone mentioned not being able to worry about what might happen and staying in the here and now. I am in the here and now and it is hell. I wish I would have done those things and if nothing happens then no harm done. The fear of a DUI is real and people are killed by drunk drivers everyday. Their is lot of money and programs to stop drunk drivers so the chance of your AH getting caught are growing. Who knows by doing these things possibly your AH will see how serious you are taking this. After it happens it is too late, you can detach, let go and go to a meeting, but it will still directly effect YOU and your family.