The friends...

Old 01-22-2005, 10:53 AM
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The friends...

Okay, long story short...Ah has a friend that he has been "best" friends with for over 10 year. He drinks often and is married to a raging alcoholic woman. They have always been very oppositional to me, saying that it was unreasonable that I ask him to choose the alcohol or the kids and me. She would say that if he wants to relax and drink, then that is his perrogative as an adult and that she would never give up drinking (her 2+ bottles of wine a night) for ANYONE no matter what. Well, last summer, they agreed that AH did in fact have a problem. They were very supportive of him going into treatment. But in the following months, never called to see how I was doing or anything. AH's first drunk night after rehab was with them. Real supportive, huh? Anyway, I kicked him out last week and he has been staying with them. Here's my problem. I have NEVER done anything to these people. I have helped them when needed in their rotten marriage, and would have done anything to help when needed. She told my AH that she has never liked me and that she has been keeping a journal over the past few years of mean things I have said about AH. WHAT?? I have never said anything to her. But my main problem lies in the fact that I have been a wonderful wife and mother and have supported and believed in my husband when no one else did. Even AH said that none of this is my fault. For her to negate that really pisses me off. I know that she would love nothing more than to watch our marriage be flushed b/c she doesn't like me, not to mention the fact that admitting my husband has a problem might mean she would have to put a magnifying glass to herself. But it really hurts. And it really hurts that they can't just say, "I'm so sorry you are going through this. We are here for you." to him like my friends say to me. Regardless of what my friends think about my AH, they know that it is neither the time nor their place to say negative things about him. We are both really hurting right now. Anyway, I am sorry if you can't follow this...Just need to get this off my chest.
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Old 01-22-2005, 11:01 AM
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Originally Posted by jalacola
admitting my husband has a problem might mean she would have to put a magnifying glass to herself.
Got it in one!

Sorry you're hurting so much, hon.

Vent away - it feels good to get things off your chest.

Take care

Love

Minnie
xxx
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Old 01-22-2005, 11:13 AM
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As I see it you are a threat to these people. They are not really your AH friends they are his drinking buddies and you are trying to take him away from that. They support each other in their habit and you do not so that makes you the enemy. My AH buddy told him that He and his wife did not feel I did enough around the house. WOW!!! did that make me blow my top. How dare they judge me when they did not live with me. They did not see what I did around here. They did not see the things he needed to do.
Anyway after many discussions with my AH about him not setting them straight I finally got through. I fought tooth and nail and pointed out the manipulative ways of these people. He finally saw it for himself. He saw that when he had nothing left to offer these people they showed their true colors and they are no longer in our lives.
Stay strong.
Z
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Old 01-22-2005, 09:11 PM
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Yep, I agree with Zoe on you being seen as a threat, the enemy.
I felt so horrible back in the earlier years with my AL when his dirty 'friends' (drinking buddies) were constantly belittling me, backstab, saying rude things blahblahblah. I was genuinely hurt -I thought these people were my friends. I also felt as if I had to defend and justify myself to him and to them about what his people had said etc. The art of detachment in it's highest form worked well for me in this situation. I'm sure it still goes on to some degree, but they can no longer get a reaction out of me or my attention. If AL wants to hang with them, that is his agenda. I no longer stick my head in the hornets nest by hanging out socially with them. On occasion I have to briefly encounter them and I am always cordial and polite, smile and move on. It took me a long time to realize this -years-, but taking the high road worked best for me.

I believe that ALL men (AL or not) will usually have the one, icky best friend that you don't much care for. BOUNDARIES
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Old 01-23-2005, 11:14 AM
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Zoe, your post really said it all. You are right. I am a threat. Here is how it would work if we were to stay together:

If AH and I stay together, then that would have to mean that not only has he quit drinking, but has embraced living a healthy, sober lifestlye. If that happens, he would have to, at least for quite awhile, stop putting himself around people who drink constantly, especially these people, which all his memories of them are when they are all getting blitzed. And I truly believe that if he can stop drinking and come to terms with a happy, sober life, he will really see what happiness abounds. And in turn, see that these people are not only NOT FUN, but that they are not his friends. So, yes, I guess succumbing to me would mean that there would be a great chance of them losing their drinking buddy. It just sucks right now b/c he can't see the forest for the trees.
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Old 01-23-2005, 02:25 PM
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Originally Posted by jalacola
he can't see the forest for the trees.
But can you?
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Old 01-23-2005, 04:18 PM
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Originally Posted by minnie
But can you?

I think I can. I see the person that my AH can be, which is why I didn't leave him a few years ago. I remember the person that I fell in love with. I remember the changed man he was when he came home from treatment and the feeling that I had the love of my life back. I am not sure if you were referring to me being blinded by love (which I used to be). I see that we can have a great life together if he can find his way. But on that note, I have to find my way, too, b/c through this all, I have definitely lost it. I can see a dirt road ahead though...
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