hope816

Good morning everyone,
My thoughts are with all of us. I have posted once or twice about my alcoholic 32yo son. I'll not get into his beginnings again, but after not seeing him up to 5yrs at a time through the yrs b/c of his choices(jail,constant drug/alcohol use, moving/bumming here & there, no job lasting over 1-2 WEEKS,etc) I only allowed him to phone me if A: sober B not collect..so, sometimes only spoke over phone once/yr--usually yrs went by. Now & then he would sneak a call in........totally plastered so, I hung up on him.
anyway, he phones Thanksgiving Day.. alert, homeless..I fell for it & gave him a chance... (I've always employeed tough love--have had many yrs therapy, know all about co-dependency,etc) anyway, sent him here via bus, but he was so filthy, stinky,etc.. had to immediately threaten him-if he didn't shower-after giving him 2 days.... so, wrote out/& we discussed certain rules.. he agreed.. he was ok about a month--------with me having to push the hygeine every 3 days.b/c he has been used to filth apparently..& thinks it's cool not to bathe very often. (this part I will never get) Even after bathing... (soap,shampoo,etc) within an hour-------whew---extremely foul body odor. So, me & my other 2 sons--whom are now 17 & 20(who after my div. many yrs ago-I & they received therapy,counseling,etc & more important, kept them away from this type behavior,dynamics rampant in my "family") They were enjoying his company......but about 3 weeks ago, when he obtained the job (in one of his req. to stay here to get on his own).. I knew, when he received his first pay......he probably would "fall". I encouraged him & he went to Church with us; I had many,many,many talks.... I prayed, offered help(teeth,etc) begged, & ultimately told/reminded him of his consequences if he began drugs,drinking,lying,etc..& I trusted him by leaving a little money around--------which 10yrs ago..when he last lived with me--I knew I could always trust him--but refuse to live in my home and be afraid to live. He met a woman online(she is 38) who should know better----she came here (after I told him NOT to tell ANYONE my address)--I was furious. she was nice,etc..works..so she says--but to give her credit, she is clean,alert,etc..no, they only visited when she came to meet him--then left. he received his 1st paycheck----------and I came in that very day from work--he was DRUNK---verbally abusive (never was-but now he's prob progressed in his disease) --and threatened his 17yo brother-(they had never seen this-with anyone) I kicked him OUT--------after allowing him 1 phone call-to the online woman-who came up(she lives 200mi away) after paying a month motel room(!!) and leaving him $$$$ "to eat on".. (he had lied to her, telling her this home(I own it) was his, etc & I was sister--I told her gently the lies,etc..but could see she still "believed in him"..& I was a mean ol.. &*^%) So, after he's gone, I check the one stash of money he knew of..and of course half was gone.(total of $60) I am very,very hurt. I have been very,very depressed.... I feel like a failure as a parent. This man even had a dentist appt coming up--at the least I wanted to repair his horrible teeth while he was sober...but he simply seems to have a wish to die. He of course never returned to his job after his 1st paycheck--------cursing me, "that was your fault--you kicked me out"...
Anyway, no I will NEVER allow that man around me again. I gave him info(while he was still sober) on a treatment center here(free!!) who help you with a job, court fees,etc... but he just cursed me/that)
anyway.......I just needed to vent and cry i guess. I try & try & try and feel like a kicked horse. My other 2 sons, whom I have devoted my entire life to.. are clean, decent,etc. They are in school/college & both work-----BUT- I guess I'm mostly depressed b/c they were indifferent to my suffering about my older son. I feel afraid...and sad... b/c I apparently didn't do the bang up job on them I thought--- I told them he took some money(didn't say how much)..they could care less... I feel so hurt. I know they don't drink,drugs, etc..but it feels at this moment they have the zero respect for me..same as older one--could this be their age?... to me, seems like if they loved & respected their mother--after all these yrs..they would have said something to brother---------they just simply did their thing... I don't understand this.
Am I wrong to feel unloved by them? i simply can't explain the depth of my broken heart.....
pss. I am very,very sad & hurt over the choice my 32yo son has made with his life-> choice to subsist... i've cried thru the yrs..but remained firm..now to feel hated by these two..i don't know, i just feel so alone now hurt.
sorry this was so rambling.

minnie

(((Hope)))

I am sorry to hear you're feeling so bad. I have no children, so i don't feel like I can answer your specific questions.

Just know that I'm thinking of you. You aren't alone - we're all here for you.

Love

Minnie
xxx

FaithChaser

Oh Hope,

I also do not have any children, and I don't really understand your sons. I think you know them best and your thought that part of it is their age is probably correct. Do you think perhaps in their own way they are detaching? They have not been taught how to do it in a loving manner but for their own self-preservation?

Detachment from my AH is very difficult, I cannot imagine if it were my kid. I think you did what any parent would do, you gave him the information, you gave him the solid foundation. After that, it's up to him to fly. (my parents have told me that one when I was using it took 10 years of stupidity but I eventually found my way). I think we always feel there is something we are supposed to DO. Sometimes I think what HP wants is for us to get out of the way.

Stand firm and believe that better can come and HP will open up the doors.

Big ((((HUGS))))
~FaithChaser

Dee at Mt Bully

I think I agree with Faithchaser--you have spent years learning to detach from
AS this is something they know nothing about and since this person has not been
around how do they feel about him. Maybe they are just glad he is gone and maybe they did not understand all the attention and effort you put into helping him while he was there. Maybe they even resented it because they are good boys and here he is
getting all this help and attention and he is the bad boy. Just a possible thought from there point of view. Personnally been there done that. I was always a good student
never got in any trouble and my brothers were always in trouble--but my mother
put all her effort and attention into them. Maybe not a good comparison just a thought. I'm sure sorry this did not work out and I'm sorry you are feeling so down--
you did your best so it's time to get back to your own life--Smiles--Dee

zoe

Stop beating yourself up. I would say your son did a pretty good job of that already. My AH came home drunk in front of his parents and proceeded to throw up in the bath tub and pass out. I thought his mother would be upset and sympathetic to my situation but she ignored it and didn't say anything to him or I. I asked my father in law if she was upset and he said "No, when he decides to quit he will." He said this with a smile on his face. They were a part of his recovery 3 years previous so I did not understand how they could be so uncaring, passive, heartless. Now 12 years later I realize they did not let his problem become their problem. Your younger sons are refusing to become a part of the problem, respect that and know that they do not hate you but are probably trying very hard to show you the way to recovery.
Z

wraybear

I agree, stop beating yourself up. Your eldest sons choices are NOT YOUR FAULT. Stop blaming yourself. He is a grown man. He is responsible for his actions.

Have you talked to the two boys? I know sometimes as codies, we avoid conflict so we avoid certain conversations. Maybe you could say "I need to talk about this past 5 week period... I am not dealing with it very well. I feel taken advantage of... how are you boys dealing with it? seems like you are both doing pretty well... how do you see it?" try to get them to open up and talk and maybe you will find their indifference is because they just simply didn't know what to do or maybe they were upset that you allowed him back in the home. Who knows what they are thinking unless you ask. It has apparently been years since they had dealt with these kinds of issues.

Sometimes heading these things head-on and dealing with them, getting them out in the open will end the suffering we allow ourselves to dwell on for days and weeks. HEAD IT OFF!

Sorry for being so blunt here, but, you know I am talking to myself as much as I am talking to you. I need a "kick in the bum" once in a while as another poster says!

MysticCat

Hope, my children are too you, so I cannot possibly imagine your situation, but letting you know my thoughts and prayers are with you.

MysticCat