No new relationships until sober for 2 years??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Becker, Minnesota
Posts: 2
No new relationships until sober for 2 years??
In my treatment groups, the counselors are very adamant that no one who begins recovery should begin a new romantic relationship until they have two years sobriety (if they arent already in a relationship) she said that the "thirteenth step" is for an addict to run right into a relationship and that its not good. Needless to say, Id like to find someone. I could wait , but 2 years?? Come on! People have needs here.. FYI Ive been clean since 12-1-04, so Ive got a long ways to go...
Lonely..needs a man or not???
Lonely..needs a man or not???
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: east coast
Posts: 2,440
I have never heard 2 years. I have heard the year rule. I will tell you my experience with why that is a good suggestion. I got involved with someone when I was about a month sober. I still had no clue how to live life on life's terms. I heard the suggestion, and thougt, yeah, well I'm different! I didn't listen and got involved. He relapsed about 4 months later, which devastated me. I kept going to my meetings, but I had all this hurt inside. He got clean again, and once again I was happy. We moved in together and had a child. Then he cheated on me. This time I used! What I figured out 10 years later is that I made him my source of happiness. I never really got to know myself. This time around I have taken the suggestion. Sure, we have needs. My counselor told me to go to the "toy store"...lol. It is a good suggestion, for in all reality; how can you love someone else if you don't love yourself? Just some food for thought.
Sherry
Sherry
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Charlottesville, Va
Posts: 632
it has been suggested that I finish the 12 steps first. i'm happy to have finish the 4th step at the very least. I know who i am today, and I love myself. At the very least I'm looking for a woman who has completed a 4th step. I've got a shade less than 18 months and i feel great, even if that means being with me and my HP. What could anyone who is in recovery who has not completed a 4th step possibly offer me? just my 2 cents. yeah, it's easy to fill the void with a person, but the bleeping your getting is no where near the bleeping your going to get.
The Serenity Plus Plan
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: The Garden State
Posts: 157
Two years seems like an awfully long time.
I agree with Sherry - I heard about the one year rule and it sounds pretty good to me.
I know I have to be comfortable and happy with myself first. This way I'll be able to give but also receive and be secure in that. I'd rather take the time now and make sure I do it right the next time - for both parties involved.
I'm not there yet. I hope it doesn't take two years. ;-)
Richard
I agree with Sherry - I heard about the one year rule and it sounds pretty good to me.
I know I have to be comfortable and happy with myself first. This way I'll be able to give but also receive and be secure in that. I'd rather take the time now and make sure I do it right the next time - for both parties involved.
I'm not there yet. I hope it doesn't take two years. ;-)
Richard
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Beaver, WA
Posts: 1,346
(((((((adrismama))))))))))
Conrgatulations on seeking Recovery.
I've found, for myself, that every relationship I had & ventured into was a new one once I quit drinking. Especially the one I thought I had neatly avoided between myself and my Higher Power(God).
Understanding of course that not all relationships are of an intimate nature,
I like posting the following passage from pgs 68 & 69 of the Big Book(Alcoholics Anonymous) when I see this topic being discussed. Your initial post leads into this topic from my perspective.
((((((((adrismama))))))))))
Kiss Heart of Spirit
In Love & Service,
3 Legacy
Conrgatulations on seeking Recovery.I've found, for myself, that every relationship I had & ventured into was a new one once I quit drinking. Especially the one I thought I had neatly avoided between myself and my Higher Power(God).
Understanding of course that not all relationships are of an intimate nature,
I like posting the following passage from pgs 68 & 69 of the Big Book(Alcoholics Anonymous) when I see this topic being discussed. Your initial post leads into this topic from my perspective.
Now about sex. Many of needed an overhauling
there. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question.
It's so easy to get way off the track. Here we find
human opinions running to extremes -- absurd extremes,
perhaps. One set of voices cry that sex is a
lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation.
Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more
sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that
most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes.
They think we do not have enough of it, or that it isn't the
right kind. They see its significance everywhere. One
school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other
would have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to
stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter
of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems.
We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about
them?
there. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question.
It's so easy to get way off the track. Here we find
human opinions running to extremes -- absurd extremes,
perhaps. One set of voices cry that sex is a
lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation.
Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more
sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that
most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes.
They think we do not have enough of it, or that it isn't the
right kind. They see its significance everywhere. One
school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other
would have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to
stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter
of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems.
We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about
them?
((((((((adrismama))))))))))
Kiss Heart of Spirit
In Love & Service,
3 Legacy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Dubh Linn - Ireland
Posts: 455
I have heard of this rule very often indeed. Seems to me that as Addicts we tend to be emotionally immature! We need to grow up and first learn to have a loving relationship with ourselves. Until we know how to love ourselves, we have little or no hope in achieving good relationships with others emotionally. That is the message of the 2 year rule. It also asks us to stand on our own two feet - learn detachment, learn the difference between loneliness and solitude.
I am sure that this is a guideline, a recommendation even - but one that is borne out others painful experience. So whilst it is not cast iron, we can learn from it!
Luvs & Best Wishes in Recovery (and Love) Ama xxxx
I am sure that this is a guideline, a recommendation even - but one that is borne out others painful experience. So whilst it is not cast iron, we can learn from it!
Luvs & Best Wishes in Recovery (and Love) Ama xxxx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London
Posts: 448
I remember when people were shocked at the new suggestion of no relationships for a year. Of course, what one pill will do, two will do even better.
Recently I have heard of suggestions about no major decisions inc. job changes or vacations. AA has not always been this way. These are comparatively recent introductions, but if these things are in place when you arrive you will of course think this is how it should be.
This desire to regulate the behaviour of others is, in my view, inappropriate and extremely unhelpful. Even sick on the part of those boundaryless therapists often specialising in recovery.
Many therapists, treatment centres and the AAs who are indoctrinated into this way of thinking, have lost both respect and reason about the level of control they put upon human beings.
Just because you are an alcoholic does not mean you have to submit your will to the control of others. Assert yourselves and start telling people where to get off!
I appreciate how difficult it is when you are sobering up, but I am having a little rant about this.
Because I had an honestish desire to stop drinking, I always did what I had to do in order to stay sober.
I think you did well to post about this and I hope you realise that I am not judging you,and my view is simply one amongst others.
regards
Andy F
Recently I have heard of suggestions about no major decisions inc. job changes or vacations. AA has not always been this way. These are comparatively recent introductions, but if these things are in place when you arrive you will of course think this is how it should be.
This desire to regulate the behaviour of others is, in my view, inappropriate and extremely unhelpful. Even sick on the part of those boundaryless therapists often specialising in recovery.
Many therapists, treatment centres and the AAs who are indoctrinated into this way of thinking, have lost both respect and reason about the level of control they put upon human beings.
Just because you are an alcoholic does not mean you have to submit your will to the control of others. Assert yourselves and start telling people where to get off!
I appreciate how difficult it is when you are sobering up, but I am having a little rant about this.
Because I had an honestish desire to stop drinking, I always did what I had to do in order to stay sober.
I think you did well to post about this and I hope you realise that I am not judging you,and my view is simply one amongst others.
regards
Andy F
Findin' my way
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 29
My whole take on it is that God will put the relationship in my life when I'm ready for another one. I kind of think the one year rule isn't a bad idea, but if God puts the opportunity in your life beforehand, I don't think you should deny it because you're only 6 or 8 months into recovery. However, I do think it's crucial that we take time to get to know ourselves before getting involved with another person. That amount of time will vary from person to person.
I have the double whammy, in my situation. I'm just under 60 days in recovery, and have only been seperated from my wife since September, so I have more than one reason to wait a little while before even thinking about relationships. But I do think it's a bit unreasonable to expect people to wait a year or 2 regardless, because God may see fit to put someone special in your life at whatever time of his choosing, and we shouldn't pass on those opportunities just because of a "rule".
I have the double whammy, in my situation. I'm just under 60 days in recovery, and have only been seperated from my wife since September, so I have more than one reason to wait a little while before even thinking about relationships. But I do think it's a bit unreasonable to expect people to wait a year or 2 regardless, because God may see fit to put someone special in your life at whatever time of his choosing, and we shouldn't pass on those opportunities just because of a "rule".
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Becker, Minnesota
Posts: 2
Yes thanks for the great advice all! and please dont think Im on here fishin for that relationship! just an honest question about the topic which was brought up in my group..so it seems pretty standard..to be honest, being sober by myself is much, much better than being messed up in a messed up relationship ( had enough of that..) So for now I know for myself it will be better to get to know me first and move on from there... 
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