FaithChaser

Okay, I really need to vent here so I'm gonna...
Yesterday was the hubbys day off, it started off the day after his normal Wed. night binge. I woke up, kind of upset agry because I overslept, as usual for me, and he was up a few hours before me. I asked him why he couldn't wake me up. He said he didn't know my schedule (I've had the same schedule for five years). Anyway, that was my responsibility I know... I fly through my work because I started so very late (I do residential cleaning). Thinking that my customers may notice I very carefully double check my work and keep on moving like the energizer bunny.
My wonderful parents donate two couches to me, I need a way to pick them up, he has a truck, I ask him if he would have time to get them with me. What he hears is me ordering him to go get them and says that he cannot work that into his busy day the weather is bad.... (I have no idea how he could get couches alone) Anyway, this turns into me making arrangements with my father to go get them myself, and he snaps and says that he would go with me...ugh! So, we go get the couches. (Oh and we have a sick dog that has been bleeding all over out of his nose for the past 24, the vet says there is nothing that can be done). On the way back I tell him that I have been wanting to go over things with him agian so they are clear, that the trip that is arranged for both of us to go on, I don't want to go. That I never talk to him because when I do it turns into an argument. I feel that it is time for us to mutually discuss our plans. He doesn't say a word. A few hours go bye and I finally lose it. I say that he has got to quit ignoring problems because they dont' just go away that you have to deal with them. Hence the arguement begins... He yells at me that I have been mean to him all day long and that he has no desire at all to discuss anything with me. That when he finally takes a day off of drinking that I always act mean to him and that I am abusive. So he rufuses to talk to me about any future plans. UGH! I have no clue how to do this and everytime I do I get a huge slap in the face. I don't think I have been very nice... but I don't know how to be nice anymore. How can I get this stuff out in the open with him????

~FaithChaser

JessicaNAJ

Faith - I've been there, believe me - you're not mean, you just have so much pent up frustration that when you do get a chance to talk to your "sober" A, it comes out wrong.

I think the more you focus on you the less you will feel frustrated and the easier it will be for you to talk to him.

Hang in there - ur doin jus fine!!

escape artist

hi faithchaser, i know how you feel, he sounds like my AH, and i was just wondering -he said he took a day off from drinking, does that mean he is just hungover today? man i bet he's hurtin! i never had much luck talking in any way mean, nice, go to h*ll, anything when he was hungover. in fact, that is when he has been his nastiest. when i was really mean i would turn the music on- well not as loud as it probably was at the bar the night before...but hey!- it's daytime and we have a right to live too! right?
so anyway, i been there done that, i like how he reacted when you started making plans without him. isn't that so funny? what IS that? it's like dealing with a 2 year old until you decide to do it a different way without them and they are like "ok now i'll do it".
so i don't know how to do it either, right now i am at a "hands off" approach, and to me i call it "the thaw". we are defrosting. but i think it is going to take a lot more time to get to where we can actually "talk and plan" like a "normal" couple. however, i have had moments when the anger and resentments i have are not getting in the way, and then all that loving feeling overcomes me and i'll kiss him (he's asleep) and then i remind myself this is not necessarily "Love" it is "Compassion". sorry if this became a ramble. _

MysticCat

Hi Faithchaser, I dont know if this is great advice, but when this happens with me, I tend to write all my feelings down in a letter and give it to him. This way I can express my feelings without being interrupted, he can absorb it and then we discuss it. Hope this helps. Hugs to you girl.

Blessings,
MysticCat

FaithChaser

Thanks so much for your imput, I've tried the letter approach. In fact it was a great reminder to me when I found the letter a year and 1/2 later and NOTHING had changed. Now I can see that I am changing.... I think I have found my solution via a good freind. Her advice was to tell him that since he will not discuss future plans with me that I am making my own, with or without his imput. Give him a plan A, a plan B, and a plan C. I may or may not put it in writing, but I think in writing it is harder to argue with and I am better at sorting through all my thoughts in writing as well. Maybe I won't sound mean. Well not as mean. I just cannot spend the few days I have left on earth with this battle, my life is worth more to me than that. I also forgot to add that last night when we went to purchase some humidifiers that he suggested that I purchase one, and he purchase one so that when and if we go splitsville that we can each take one with us... hmmm sounds kinda weird for a married couple!

I've been praying for guidence and I'm getting it thanks to all of you here and my therapy and my awsome pals.

Hugs!
~Faithchaser