Patience1

First of all I want to say Hi. My gfriend and I have been together for almost 3yrs and we've been through a lot together, from her drug use to smoking and now the drinking. The drug problem has stopped, I help her through that as I myself was a drug user many, many years ago, so I guess that made the helping her much easy "but hard", but not "imposible". Then the smoking, we were both smoking but also decided to quit since that was the best for both our health's. It was a little harder for her since she had been smoking longer but, did quit eventually. (Once in a while she fills the urge to smoke but nothing compare to before).But the drinking has increased from alot to a little to nothing and again to a lot. It's got to the point that she hides it from me, even though she tells me later, it's still a problem, We've had lot's of problems because of the drinking, and there has been very bad outcomes do to it. I tell her that I'm willing to help her just like I have in the past, but for some reason it's not working do you have any advice for me, please help. Any advice will help.

Time2Surrender

Patience,welcome to SR.Stick around,this is a great place here.You said you were a drug user your self at one time.So,Im sure you know about alcoholism/addiction.You can only do so much for the other person,if anything.Its really up to them to decide when they are done and surrender.

Patience1

It is very true, and apreciate your advice, I guess for me it was not that hard I stoped on my own and I was just 19 at that time, and am aware that not every is the same. But I always talk to my girlfriend and tell her that she could do it as well, and because she does tell me that she wants to stop, espiacally now that she's gained the weight because of stoping drugs, and feels depressed because of the weight but, I tell her that if she want's to lose the weight she needs to cut back on the drinking, and she's aware, and that's why I tell her that I will help her, and she knows that, I Love her and want her to be well.

Time2Surrender

Has your girlfriend tried AA yet? And perhaps you could try Al-Anon as well.Just a suggestion.

Patience1

I have suggested it to her but says that if she "didn't go when she was trying to quit doing drugs why do to to quit drinking", I myself do want to go to a meeting of some type, but she doesn't want me to go, so that's why I'm trying this instead, but I'll ask her again, I will not stop trying, for both of our sakes.

Time2Surrender

I can only speak for myself.I learned the hard way that I must completely surrender and be willing to go to any lengths for my sobriety.Nothing good comes easy.Try an Al-Al-Anon meeting for yourself.If she doesnt want you to go to any meetings thats her problem not yours.You are going for you.If she cant accept that,I think you have more problems in your relationship then just her drinking.I love this web-site and all the people in here.SoberRecovery has been a life-line for me.But,I do meetings also pretty much daily and they come first for me.

Patience1

Thank You,
For your advise, I will try and go to a meeting, as soon as I can, for my own sake. Right now I am very sad, because my gfriend wants to talk to an old friend of hers, which I myself know as well through her, but there is one big problem, my gfriend used to buy drugs from her bother-in-law which just happens to live 3 houses down from her, and even though my gfriend has been clean for 5 months my worry is even if she tells me not to worry that she just wants to say Hi, to her and a couple of weeks ago she did talk to her since the friend had a baby in Sept. So I did understand her calling her because of the baby and to see how she was doning, but I am so worried, It's hard to trust her and I'm trying very hard to do so, but sincerly I'm sarced that she would want to go back to drugs. That's why we had decided that she wouldn't talk to her any more or at least as she thought she was really ready to go without wanting to do drugs again, but I know that , that is very hard ,Do you think I'm kiding myself, should I trust her, or how can I trust her Please Help I'm very confused and worried about this one?

GettingFree

Hi Patience,
Your confusion is really understandable. It's so hard to watch someone continue to make harmful choices for themselves.

You're asking if you're kidding yourself, if you can trust her. The fact that you're asking most likely means you don't. Accepting that can be really hard and hard to face. I've been there and it takes a long time of making excuses for the other and wanting to see the most optimistic side of things to say, "Yes, I don't trust."

So now you have choices to make for yourself. She may in time earn your trust back. You probably have an idea of what it will take for that to happen. And she may not. And you probably know what that is like too.

The important thing is that you are hurting right now, and coming here and asking questions is a good sign that you want to find a way to stop the hurt.

Starting to make decisions to take care of yourself -- and get your needs met in healthy ways -- may have to start coming first. You're probably hoping this relationship will meet your needs for a loving relationship. That's what fuels co-dependent behaviour. Looking to get our needs met by others in very unhealthy ways, even by those who are unable to meet them. So we make excuses, we stay, we keep coming back, we make all kinds of personal sacrifices, we try and fix the other person and control them, because the fear of losing the relationship feels stronger to us than the fear of the pain inside the relationship.

In time, maybe your relationship will survive and grow stronger. But if it does, it can only survive as a healthy one -- with trust -- if you begin to identify what you need to do to make wise and loving choices for yourself, and take it from there.

I hope for your gf's sake that in time she seeks a commitment to sobriety with supported by counselling to understand and address what's underneath these various addictions. It seems from out here that she's been trading one for the other, and quite possibly there's some underlying pain, possibly going back a long time, that she's learnned to mask with substances.

best
gf

Patience1

I cannot chat for some reason all I get is a red x in the left hand side corner, I'm all new to this about computers, so I'm still learning I'm in California If that helps?

Patience1

Thank You,
I guess I needed to hear that...and am greatful for finding this sight, I am really alone with all these problems, I now feel that someone can give me advice, since no one else knows about these problems and confusion but myself really!