pmaslan

It is the beginning of day 3 for my exA in detox. He was very jittery yesterday and I could see the effect that detox had on him. I didn't stay long at the hospital last night maybe 90 minutes. I was tired and frankly worn out from this situation. This my 8th go around with him in detox. I called his mom last night to tell her where he was. She is even more worn out than I am, luckily for her she lives 800 miles from us. During the conversation with her she mentioned so many things that my A had told her, but failed to tell me. LIke that he is suspended from work until 2-20-05 without pay. That he went to the Cash Store to get an advance last week of $400 with a finance charge of $177 due 2-10-05. That he considered going to N.Y. to see his son (10 yrs old) while he was off work. Since he will have limited funds he would stay at his ex wife's home. Well, needless to say I felt like I was run over by a mack truck. I spent the entire weekend with him and he failed to mention any of the above. No wonder he was so quick to check out of the flea bag hotel and let me take him in. I now understand why he was threatening suicide. I am forever feeling used. I KNOW it is the disease but I can't stand how he takes such advantage of me, or how I LET him. I called him at the hospital last night after speaking with his mom. I know he is suffering (but so am I) and the last thing he needs is me giving him grief, but damn it it hurts! I told him what his mom said, he denied wanting to go to N.Y. and said "oh I was going to tell you about the suspension." All I could say after that through my tears was "I just can't take anymore of this hurt, I feel so used by you." and hung up. That was 8pm last night. It is 11am now, still no word from him. What can he possibly say. It was probably not the time to confront him with this but when is there a good time with an alcoholic. I am not going to call or visit him unless he calls me first. He should be released sometime tomorrow, I don't know what his plans are at this point. All I know is that everything he owns is in my living room right now. I am slowly losing my desire to help this lying, betraying manipulating man. I know he is sick but come on during sober moments doesn't a shred of decency kick in!
Patty

DefofLov

I would also feel very hurt and betrayed after hearing about that. I am so sorry and hope you make the right decisions for you. I found out last year that it was okay to take care of me, no matter what that meant. For me it meant leaving my family alone. (((huggies)))

minnie

Oh Patty, what a rollercoaster you're on with this guy. Is it time to get off?

You did your bit by getting him into detox. It's down to him now.

Hang in there and stick around here. We're here for you.

Love

Minnie
xxx

pmaslan

Minne....I've been waiting for you to show up. I really respect what you have to say. You were so inspirational for me when I first told my story to SR. (I somehow feel I've let you down as pathetic as that sounds.) You have been so strong, I thought I was, I am going to a meeting tonight and not to the hospital even if he asks me to. I thought I was off the rollercoaster, I guess I just changed rides I am not on the Scrambler!!!!!
A side note....tomorrow I am going to a friends funeral. Her b/f shot her in the head and you guessed it drugs had everything to do with it. I guess we can feel forturnate that we are still here to get the help we need.

minnie

*blushes*

Thank you for your kind words - they're just what I needed to hear today. I'm feeling a bit stuck, so it's nice to know I get some things right! And any words of wisdom from me are what I have learned here and at al-anon, so they are free for you to pick up too.

You've not let anyone down. AT ALL. What you did the other night was the right and compassionate thing to do. But he needs to make his own choices from now on. My counsellor said something to me today that really hit home. He said that when we take responsibility for other people, we effectively de-skill them. We remove the opportunity for them to learn from their mistakes and all we teach them is that someone else will pick up the pieces, just like mummy did when they were small.

I am so sorry to hear about your friend. Words fail me. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

Love

Minnie
xxx

Jenee

(((Patty))) You take care of you.

hope2bhappy

You have referred to him as your "exA." I am assuming he is your ex-husband. His job suspension and the interest he will owe on the loan are not your responsibility or concern. You are also upset because he told his mother that he wanted to go and visit his son, and that he would stay with his ex-wife while visiting. If he is your ex, then this isn't really your concern either, is it? Are you angry because he wants to see his son, or because he would have to stay with his ex-wife? What am I missing? As I see it, the things you mention that have made you feel so angry and used are issues in his life, which should have no impact on yours.

I still believe that you did a good and compassionate thing the other day. You offered food and a clean bed to a sick person, and then you took him to the hospital at his request. But you feel used and lied to. Did you expect a different outcome? Could it be that you see yourself as the rescuer and you feel you deserve some type of "reward" or credit? I'm just asking you to examine why you feel the way you do.

Patty, you did a good thing. As someone else said, you can look at yourself in the mirror. The only way you can feel used is if you expected something in return for your efforts. Be honest with yourself, and ask yourself what it was you really wanted out of this. Focus on you, and then go from there.

pmaslan

Hope2beHappy...He is my ex boyfriend, however, we have broken up and gone back numerous times so the current status of our relationship is this, he wants to come back home after he gets out of rehab and continue being together as a couple. I keep saying ex because I am not sure I want to go through anymore of this. I am not angry about anything. I am just hurt that he can not confide in me since he claims he loves me and wants to eventually marry me. I feel that he is afraid that if I know what is really going on I will not help him. In the past he has kept alot of info from me. Such as all the bills he owes which effects our quality of life, the fact that the repo man was hunting him down and actually took his car from our driveway, the list goes on and on. I asked him over the weekend if there was anything he needed to tell me and he said no. His mother told him he should be honest with me about his problems so I can make a fair cloice for myself. I have never expected a reward or credit all I ever wanted was his love, respect and appreciation for things I have done for him. I don't think that is alot to ask, but I know it is impossible to ask that from an alcoholic.

hope2bhappy

He may feel all of those things for you, but the disease keeps him from showing you. Your actions the other day showed that you knew the difference between enabling an alcoholic and helping a person who was sick. This is why I don't think you should feel used. I don't think you allowed him to take advantage of you. As far as the honesty... well, an alcoholic can't even be honest with himself, much less with anyone else. It's the nature of the beast, right? And I think that you probably know enough of the truth already in order to make a fair choice for yourself. I'm sorry that you feel hurt. I'm glad he is in the hospital. Maybe this time there will be a happier, lasting result.

cwohio

((patty)) - condolences on the death of your friend!