JennyK

It has been less than 12 hours and my husband has called 6 times, I have talked to him twice. I don't think he is suppose to be on the payphone, but he is.

He says he is keeping an open mind, and that he can not stay away for 2 weeks.

He says that after only a few hours at rehab he knows he will never drink again.

He says that his roommate was just released from prison and is a heroin addict in rehab on court order. He is scared of him.

He sounds so sad and lonely and frightened. And the only one out of 35 who does not smoke. His father died of lung cancer and he HATES smoke.

He did not ask me to come and get him. I am sure one of these calls he will.

Do I?

Jenny

bikewench

That bad eh.. ;o)

Jenny... I don't know your story.. but if he's in rehab.. he's there for a reason.

I'd be more inclined to assure him he could do the time... encourage him... 24 hrs at a time...

jlu

Jenny, I can't tell you what to do but I will tell you my story of when my husband went to rehab. I dropped him off very late on a Friday night... we had a 3 hour drive and he didn't come home when he was supposed to so we could leave and get there at a decent time... he was out using. He wasn't supposed to call me for 5 days after being there but did anyway. He didn't want to be there either but was keeping an open mind. He made some friends though and seemed to be doing ok. We missed each other like crazy so I went to visit him the first weekend he was there and was planning to go to the family counseling for 3 days during his last week. And then something happened that he didn't like (long story but it was bull)... and he told me to come get him after only being there for 2 weeks. I talked to his counselor on my way there to find out her side of the story and see what she had to say about him leaving. She told me not to come get him because he wouldn't make it if he left. But he was adamant and I was already there and I didn't know what else to do. He used the situation that happened and the fact that he wanted to get back to his job as excuses to come home. He didn't get his coin and he didn't get to ring out. His group was pissed at him because he was quitting but it didn't matter to him... he claimed that he didn't connect with most of them... I think it's because they were hard on him because he was full of crap and they kept calling him on it. He relapsed 2 weeks later and went on a $1000 3 day binge, lost his job and tried to commit suicide. He hasn't been doing much recovery stuff since then. He half ass tries it but not really. I had to make him leave Friday night because I told him when he left treatment that I wouldn't go back to the way it was before and I could see all the signs that it was heading there.

I don't know what to tell you to do but I don't think they have a good chance for recovery if they don't commit to it 100% and stick it out.

This story probably didn't help you at all but I wanted you to think hard about your decision. And I think I've said it in three different posts today... I heard this last night in my f2f meeting.... think about your decisions and consider all the consequences and decide if you can live with them before making up your mind.

Take what you like and leave the rest.... hugs and prayers.

myselfagain

you could tell him :
"You need to keep your mind on what you are doing there and I will keep my mind on what I am doing here at home for us" See you on family nite or whatever.
Then stick to it, dont answer calls from payhones
Good luck !

JennyK

Thank you so much for your story. It did help me. My husband choose to go away to get help. He has stripped himself of everything aside from his family. His business is done, he has no job, he told his best friend that he can no longer have the kind of friendship they have shared for the past 20 years, he has organized our house, and has planned to find a way to restructure how he thinks about he world, without alcohol being his #1 priority. And he does not know how to quit on his own.

I think that the other patients at the rehab center have just blown him away. He sounded so lost tonight and so scared. I miss him. As much as he has lost in his life, he has always loved his family and he does miss us.

I NEED him to get well. My family would not exist without him. I love him and in his heart he is a good man.

If he needs to stay at rehab (which is 30 miles in the middle of nowhere) to get well, then it will have to continue to be his choice. If he asked me to come and get him I will. WITH the understanding that he may never be drunk around our children again.

I am so confused....and off to bed...alone.

Jenny

Chuckles101301

Jenny, I know how hard it is for your spouse to be in-patient. It is hard being a single parent, working, maintaining a household. My husband did 28 days in-patient. My husband too had lost his job and left when there were a ton of legal issues swirling in the air. We didn't have daycare because my husband was her provider during the day. We also did not have the money for daycare. I had to take all my vacation, sick, and extra time at work to stay home with my daughter and my family had to take over for the days that I just had to work. I worked over night alone and that was very hard. We muscled through. It was lonely and difficult....very challenging. My husband tried to call every day but he was very busy with meetings and lectures, chores and the like. I did however feel a sense of peace when I came home without him. I didn't have to worry about where he was, if he was drinking while he was watching my daughter etc. I felt unburdened for this period of time. I woke up every day and started fresh...enjoyed the time to myself and with my daughter and worked on my program, so that when he would be back I would be on the road to recovery as well. It is so much easier to read a book when you don't have a drunk slug bugging you all the time or you don't have to participate in the rollercoaster ride. Fear of what I would do without him, slowly turned into fear of what I would do with him when he came home. He has been home for nearly three months and sober...yeah! I think back to the telephone conversations and I remember feeling bad because he sounded sad, depressed, lonely and he truly missed us........what was it actually? DENIAL. He would tell me that the others were so much worse and he was having difficulty with whether or not he was an actual alcoholic....everyone goes through that....thinking they are better off.....he needs to work through it and come out the other side....acceptance....step 1.....sounds like your husband is telling you all the wonderful things that you want to hear so he can continue with his denial. My reccommedation would be to not pick him up if he calls and asks you to....that is enabling as well as anything else....I told my husband if he was going to quit and come home he was going to find his own way because I was not going to be a part of his alcoholism any more. He was where he needed to be. A good point might be.....you may miss him now and he may miss you terribly, but should he not get sober and remain so....he could die and I bet you would really miss him then. This disease kills...not just the alcoholic.....this disease is terminal without treatment. 2 weeks is just a small amount of time compared to the rest of his life....I hope your husband finds something that works for him and I hope you find something that works for you as well. Good luck.

minnie

Rant Alert!!

Bloody hell, is he a man or a mouse? If you had the opportunity to go away for 2 weeks to concentrate solely on your recovery, to have all that help and support, to have a chance to save your life and keep your family together, would you not leap at the chance?

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I really thought that he was going into this with the best intentions. Seems like he's struggling with denial still. If you give into his demands and bring him home, you are removing the possibility that he will come out of denial for a while. As Chuckles says, that is a form of enabling.

I guess it's not surprising, As have been running away into the bottle for a long time, so why would they not try and run away when things get a bit difficult.

Hang in there and be strong, hon.

Love

Minnie
xxx

bikewench

Careful what you tell yourself there gurl.

You sound very willing for him to end all his discomfort and just come on back home. Not to take your inventory... but ... if your with an addict... that suggests to me that you might have some issues you might want to look at.

Change CAN be good.

JennyK

You are right. All of it. Last night was hard for me and I am sure for him. I am sure he is some sort of denial and I hope that today, meeting with the counselors and moving out of the detox ward and into the regular rooms will make a difference (they have to stay in detox at least one night).

He is at his lowest point ever and I DO feel for him. He has been my partner for a very long time.

I don't know what the outcome of this will bring.

I do realize that I am emeshed in his recovery, I can not imagine NOT being, and I will be working on that.

Thank you,

Jenny

equus

(((JENNY)))

Nothing clever to say - just thinking of you....

dax

DO NOT GO GET HIM!!! If so you will be enabling him to continue to drink. What is a few weeks away from each other when you are hoping for a life time of sobriety. My opinion only. You are both adults. If he gets killed while driving drunk, you will be forever apart. I think you will be enabling him to contiue his addictive behavior if you go get him..hugs dax

queenofthehwy

Jenny

I can't even imagine how hard this has to be for you. But try to think where will it get both of you if you go pick him up, you will be starting over and who knows how long it would be or what tragedy it would take to get him back into rehab......

Mindi

minnie

Jenny

This is a GOOD thing.

I know it doesn't seem like it and it is easy for me to say when I'm thousands of miles away, but it is.

As I read somewhere - the most loving thing we can do for someone is let them reach their bottom. Then they have a chance of recovery. If we codies keep them off that bottom, even just a little bit, the motivation disappears.

Keep coming back. We're all here for you.

Love

Minnie
xxx

jalacola

When my husband was in rehab, he wanted to come home after 4 days. He found out insurance only covered detox and everything else was out of pocket. After we all convinced him to stay, he actually kept pushing BACK his checkout date. He was somewhat scared to leave b/c it was a "safe" place. Give it a few more days.

JennyK

He is home.

Jenny

Mich

I am sorry.......One day at a time.......Sending hugs

Michelle

drgnfly30

((Jenny)) I'm so sorry... I've been reading your posts leading up to his departure & I was SO very hopeful for you both....
I too have been through this, I still get my hopes up only to get let down... the last time was just 2 weeks ago.. it lasted 2 days...
Maybe some day.....
Hugs
Christine

JennyK

His reasoning was that it was not the kind of environment that he needed. Everyone was young and addicted to heroin and court ordered to be there. There was not enough information or enough meetings. There was hours and hours of just hanging around. He learned the best places to buy heroin in the state and saw several people doing cocaine in the rec room.

He spoke to the head administrator about his concerns and that fact that it was a bad match for him. The man told him "You just want to go home to drink" THAT is clearly not the case, as he is laying on the couch watching TV with the kids. He was redirected to one of the conselors who runs an outpatient place near our home. He plans to go there once a week for a 2 hour meeting, as well as AA meetings 5 times a week and meeting with his therapist 2 times a week.

He is saying that he KNEW from the moment he got there that the switch has already been made in his mind. And he just needed to get home.

The kids (and dog) are thrilled. I am cautious. He knows my boundaries and I stated them again on the ride home. I WILL stick with it.

He is on his own in this journey. I will support him and love him. It is clear to me that he REALLY is wanting to be sober for himself and not just to save his family.

So...we go from here.

Jenny

Dawn10

Jenny,
I am sorry that he is home, but since he is YOU MUST, YOU MUST, I repeat again, YOU MUST stick to your boundaries. He already knows that he can manipulate you--( you went to get him). I am sure right now he thinks he can do this alone. Maybe. I hope so, but most addicts, alcoholics can't.
I have been there, done this. It didn't work. It didn't work again. It still didn't work.
My brother is an alcoholic, very functional, and stopped about 18 months ago for 3-4 months. Then, for whatever reason, he rationalized that a glass of wine now and then wouldn't be the same as all the vodka he used to consume. It has again escalated. I know I can't change him. Only he can. I pray that one day my sister in law doesn't finally have enough and leave. He refused treatment of any kind as he is a minister and was afraid of the scandal.
I will pray that he has a great therapist that can help him get to the root of his drinking and prove me wrong.
Hang in there. Remember, you are worth having a sober husband.
Daw n

Dee at Mt Bully

Jenny--what a ride--I really thought he was going to do it. I know his story sounds very plausable but are you sure all of it is true. Just a thought--I know you have heard all the stuff about your boundries but it's all true. You really have to set your boundries and stick to them. Prayers for you--Dee