hope816

I just wanted to say I pray for us all..and wish everyone peacefulness in their lives.
I have a question.. How do you even meet "decent" men/women to date.. I've been divorced & my 100% job,goal has been to raise my sons correctly-in Church, etc. I am now 48. My 32yo son is a full blown alcoholic,drug user,etc. He never graduated High School, can't hold a job longer than a week(?), lives on street, etc..( I can't allow him in my home,b/c he is VERY nasty, very little teeth-& rotten..sneaks to drink,etc) He hasn't lived with me & the other 2 sons for 15yrs--b/c of his choices. I've always used/employeed "tough love"...you can't give him a thing for B-days,Christmas,etc..b/c he just simply doesn't take care of it..or trades/sells it for booze. OK, my thought for today---- my other 2 sons are now 17 & 20. They are responsible, clean, in college/high/work, etc..God has blessed me with them. the 3 times over the past 13yrs since my one & only divorce I went out...(met them in Church)--when they found out I had such a sick,poor "family"..w/no contact.AND the older son--->who didn't even work,drive,etc.... I never heard from them again. ..sigh...I just want to say... how lonely my life has been. BUT, I would never have done it different--focusing on saving the other 2. Now that the 2 younger ones are grown,responsible,etc... I feel sad..b/c I can't "date". A friend (in Church) introduced me to a very kind gentleman.. we've been out once...I KNOW this man will never phone me again. He has a 32yo son in graduate school--seminary--- No, I didn't "tell all" the one & only date. He simply is aware I have 3 sons(men have ALWAYS dumped me hearing that too) "IF" they get past the 3 boys part---when they find out my I have no other "family"... turns them off. "IF" they got past that... then find out my oldest is never around/only works(if at all) min.wage,construction,etc--boom--never hear from again. sigh...... by the way... so... I am just curious.. I know all the advice. When I say I don't "tell all"... I was advised to "well, you have to tell them after you see it may get serious." OK... when I did..boom-OVER. When I am advised to just say my older son made/makes choices in life I don't approve of..boom..red flag..for these decent men.
All these yrs... I've purposefully not tried to "go out"... but, about every 5yrs someone sets me up... and (3 times).. the 3rd date was this weekend... I was very vague about my older son.. and ..anyway... I cried after getting home(boys were not aware)..b/c I will not hear from him again. He talked about his family,grown kids, everyone's degree's, helping his father in his Church,etc... I can't sit & discuss anything like that--I've never had a "family" besides my 2 boys. I talked about all the volunteer work we've done around the holidays thru the yrs--(b/c they didn't have any other family-their father is evil deadbeat,etc)..(no, I didn't tell that) so, I know he was/is curious why I never mention other members.. The other date I went on 7yrs ago... I simply said I wasn't close to "family"..well...never heard from him again.
I just wanted to vent.. it just hurts too bad to try again.and be "not liked"... thank you to anyone reading this... (I know, "I just haven't met a man worthy of me..".. I've of course talked to a few possible dates thru the yrs.. over phone--it NEVER got to the point of a "date".. b/c over the phone--b/c when I said I had 3 sons--boom--never phoned again(one even hung up); or not close w/family--I even have said family is in different city-this is true---)
It makes people VERY uncomfortable if/when they hear I have just my 2 sons-- so...........now, if I ever leave this job---(been here 12yrs)..I will fib..& talk about "family" like the rest of them...

wraybear

i am so sorry you are so troubled by all this. I can't say I know how you feel. But, i can tell you are in a lot of pain. And I am sorry you are feeling so lonely.

You are God's child. He loves you no matter what - and he loves your son too. So many people credit their self worth by how their kids turned out. Well, some of our kiddos, just don't make good choices, and we can't live our lives feeling bad about ourselves because of what our adult spouses or children do. All we can do is pray for them.

Maybe if you can find a way to release this pressure from yourself, the pressure of thinking YOU did something to cause your son to be this way, or YOU are so embarassed by your sons choices. Have you read books about co-dependency? That may be a good place to start.

What kinds of things do YOU like? gardening, volunteering, history, reading books, bowling, visiting museums, watching old movies, whatever. Have you taken the time to figure out what you WANT? what YOU enjoy? Find something that you can be passioniate about in your life. Then you will have something exciting to talk about!

why can't you say i have three grown sons - and then say, enough about them, let's talk about US - talk about yourself, your interests, your job, your stuff, instead of your son's stuff. I am sure it is very depressing to talk about your son, so that "depression" seeps through into your conversation with these men. So, DON'T talk about him!!!! Find a joy in your life so you will have JOY in your conversation!

As always, here I am giving advice that I shouldn't be doing... but, I feel so much like you can have a happier, healthier life and it is just around the corner, if you step out on faith and seek it!

Peace and blessings to you!

PS. and don't feel guilty for going on those 3 dates in 13 years! YOU DESERVE THE BEST OUT OF THIS LIFE - God doesn't want you/us to suffer! ENJOY!

Dee at Mt Bully

Wraybear made some really good points--maybe I can offer a couple of ideas--do you
play card games or bowl or anything like that? The idea being that you get to know people and they get to know you as a person. Then if something grows it is based on frienship and not on any preconcieved notions. You should not be judged by family
or your children good or bad. I think the key here is to maybe learn a new interactive
sport or game to start a social life for you. Like Golf bowling bridge cribbage etc.
First you have a little social life and friends and build your self confidence and who
knows. Listen to me LOL I have zero social life so don't do as I do. I hang out a lot
with my son who is a 33 year old gay man. He has a few friends that are pretty cool
and they include me in dinner or lunch or shopping. It's like having girlfriends that
shave. LOL I'm sure that won't help me get a date though. Imagine meeting someone
and they ask me what do you do for fun--I'm sunk (laughing laughling......
Hope I said something that helps or at least makes you laugh. Smiles--Dee

rivercitybelle

I have several friends, who, when they were ready to date, looked at and used some of the internet dating services. One friend had her grown daughter (30's) advise her to type/email for at least 3 weeks to see if you even have anything in common before you meet. She sometimes followed the rules and sometimes didn't. She got married last month to a nice decent guy that she met (and throughly checked out) that way.

You can tell them you have 3 sons whom you've raised to be the best that they can be and to make their own choices. You can tell them only what you are comfortable in discussing. It's none of their business in regards to the rest of your "family" until you feel comfortable sharing. See what you have in common... hobbies, books, tv shows movies, etc... Then worry about the family dynamics if it gets serious. These are just suggestions. Let y9ur HP guide you where you're supposed to be.

The important part is working on you! And being nice to you and giving yourself some well deserved pampering sometimes....

ahcb

Hope,

I read your post and let me offer this. you ask where you meet a guy and I can honestly say that most guys are just as concerned about where to meet a lady. I also think that in someway we all tend to playup the good and downplay the bad things in our family. (tanslation: LIE) I am not sure why a man would dump you for having kids. As a man I can say that it would not bother me. I know men who have not called again when very small kids are involved. It isnt that they dont like the woman but rather have no desire to be a dad. (they all assume thats the womans ultimate plan)

I would only discuss my family when asked and not more than that. It is nt hiding anything all of that may come later. I can tell you that I am sure there is a nice guy out there for you to meet. good luck

Zoey

Have you tried going to ball games, Library, Parents without partners, even Singles groups?? Shop for groc after 5PM when single men are buying groc. Watch for wedding rings and alcohol of any kind. Smallest conversations can led to something.

I didn't check, maybe someone already mentioned all this.

hope2bhappy

How did these gentlemen find out you had a "sick" family? Maybe you shouldn't share so much of yourself so early in the relationship. Also, you talk about how successful their children are (degrees, helping father in church, etc.). Well, you have two sons you are very proud of, too. I think you might be battling some low self-esteem issues. For some reason, you don't think your accomplishments measure up to some of these men. These feelings of inadequacy could be coming across during your conversations. You are a wonderful person worthy of love. We ALL have a skeleton or two hidden in the closet... and probably so do THEY! Work on yourself -- you're worth it!