How do you keep true to yourself?
Barely There
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Adelaide Sa
Posts: 39
How do you keep true to yourself?
Just want to say "Thank God" for this site. For 2 years I thought I have been living a nightmare now I know it's a reality that is shared by so many others.
My H had an "episode" 2 yrs ago after daily use of alcohol and marijuana. For past 2 yrs he has continued to drink heavily and also become increasinlgy obsessed with sex. I have thought so many times to pack the littlies and leave but my love for him kept me saying"he can change".
Now I am at the point where I think I am no longer in love with him, rather the person I thought he could be. I see glimpses of that person occasionally but I know that is not who he is all the time. He is paranoid, moody, obsessive and mostly a drunk.
I have come to hate being alone with him for fear of being guilted into having sex which is becoming increasingly longer and rougher and leaves me feeling ashamed, hurt and upset. He needs it every 2-3 days and can't undertsand why I can't keep up. I have finally admitted to myself it is an abusive relationship and I need to keep strong about what kind of life my kids and I are entitled to - that is the hard part.
How do you keep true to yourself and not sell out because you want to keep the peace or just to trick yourself into thinking you have a normal relationship?
You are all sensational!
My H had an "episode" 2 yrs ago after daily use of alcohol and marijuana. For past 2 yrs he has continued to drink heavily and also become increasinlgy obsessed with sex. I have thought so many times to pack the littlies and leave but my love for him kept me saying"he can change".
Now I am at the point where I think I am no longer in love with him, rather the person I thought he could be. I see glimpses of that person occasionally but I know that is not who he is all the time. He is paranoid, moody, obsessive and mostly a drunk.
I have come to hate being alone with him for fear of being guilted into having sex which is becoming increasingly longer and rougher and leaves me feeling ashamed, hurt and upset. He needs it every 2-3 days and can't undertsand why I can't keep up. I have finally admitted to myself it is an abusive relationship and I need to keep strong about what kind of life my kids and I are entitled to - that is the hard part.
How do you keep true to yourself and not sell out because you want to keep the peace or just to trick yourself into thinking you have a normal relationship?
You are all sensational!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Ma
Posts: 145
Audrey,
I know there are many people on this board who will give you greater help than I, but let me offer you this. If you have to "believe" you have a normal relationship remember that if you did you would not be thinking about it at all. It is very easy to go along to get along, but it is never good. Decide what YOU want to do and then put the pieces in place to do it.
It may be a while before you can , or perhaps you can do it now but the important part is to have the plan. Also if you find it hard to be true to yourself, look at your children. You will be true to them.....good lick
I know there are many people on this board who will give you greater help than I, but let me offer you this. If you have to "believe" you have a normal relationship remember that if you did you would not be thinking about it at all. It is very easy to go along to get along, but it is never good. Decide what YOU want to do and then put the pieces in place to do it.
It may be a while before you can , or perhaps you can do it now but the important part is to have the plan. Also if you find it hard to be true to yourself, look at your children. You will be true to them.....good lick
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I saw only the title of your thread and my first thought was: sheer stubborness.
Just for info, sex can be a substitute for many things. It can be a result of anxiety. Relieve my anxiety. It can be a substitute for love. It can be a substitute for identity. It can be another addiction. it might be for reassurance.
I quit playing tricks several years ago. The only reason I enjoy sex now is for connection, intimacy and love. If it isn't meaningful, I am not interested.
I used to think it was a sport. I missed the personal connection completely. I think that is pretty common in our society.
But, I digress. I would bet you my last dollar the problem isn't sex. That is a symptom.
And with that, I leave you to come back to the experience, strength, hope and wisdom of the many that are here.
hugs,
live
Just for info, sex can be a substitute for many things. It can be a result of anxiety. Relieve my anxiety. It can be a substitute for love. It can be a substitute for identity. It can be another addiction. it might be for reassurance.
I quit playing tricks several years ago. The only reason I enjoy sex now is for connection, intimacy and love. If it isn't meaningful, I am not interested.
I used to think it was a sport. I missed the personal connection completely. I think that is pretty common in our society.
But, I digress. I would bet you my last dollar the problem isn't sex. That is a symptom.
And with that, I leave you to come back to the experience, strength, hope and wisdom of the many that are here.
hugs,
live
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
I can only say how sorry I am that you are in such a position. I totally agree with
Live--the sexual blackmail that AH's put there partners through is a sympton. Maybe
it makes them feel they have a normal life or control (probably control) or it reassures
them of there position as Husband. Whatever it is you should not be made to submit to sex to avoid a confratation. It turns my stomach to read from the women on this sight who are stuck in this type of position. My heart aches for you all. My hope is
that as you work on your own recovery you will realize that you can say no. YOU
CAN say no. I know it's hard to do and sometimes we are so emotionally drained
it seems impossible to fight another battle but you have a right to take care of yourself. Prayers and Smiles--Dee
Live--the sexual blackmail that AH's put there partners through is a sympton. Maybe
it makes them feel they have a normal life or control (probably control) or it reassures
them of there position as Husband. Whatever it is you should not be made to submit to sex to avoid a confratation. It turns my stomach to read from the women on this sight who are stuck in this type of position. My heart aches for you all. My hope is
that as you work on your own recovery you will realize that you can say no. YOU
CAN say no. I know it's hard to do and sometimes we are so emotionally drained
it seems impossible to fight another battle but you have a right to take care of yourself. Prayers and Smiles--Dee
Barely There
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Adelaide Sa
Posts: 39
Thanks Guys
I know in my heart that it is no longer about connection or enjoying an intimate relationship. It is like doing one of the chores. Sometimes it is the only way to stop him being mean to the kids or throwing and slamming things. He even times his drinking around it so its OK to start early in the day - sleep it off in the arvo and expect me to "prform" at night. He doesn't undertsand that it is already ruined for me.
I am making a promise to myself that it has to be about being connected and if he can't handle that he is free to go. Don't know how I will go - one day at a time for now!
Fingers crossed!
I know in my heart that it is no longer about connection or enjoying an intimate relationship. It is like doing one of the chores. Sometimes it is the only way to stop him being mean to the kids or throwing and slamming things. He even times his drinking around it so its OK to start early in the day - sleep it off in the arvo and expect me to "prform" at night. He doesn't undertsand that it is already ruined for me.
I am making a promise to myself that it has to be about being connected and if he can't handle that he is free to go. Don't know how I will go - one day at a time for now!
Fingers crossed!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Okay, I may be coming at this entirely from a different viewpoint but I have just got to tell ya that I completely agree with everything that's already been posted. But I want to add my own thoughts as well.....for you.
I remember a time where I felt used after being intercourse with my AH. I remember feeling a lot of emotions so I can understand somewhat of what you are saying.
Something I read on this board stuck with me. Someone posted something about looking to what you want your life to be and then thinking about how you could get there. I've slowly been making those steps. But in reference to your post, I have got to tell you that you do not have to be intimate with your AH. You do not have to do anything that makes you feel used, degraded, etc. (Yes, I know you already know this but I also know that sometimes we need to hear it.)
You admit that you realize that you are in an abusive relationship. And while you see glimpses of the person that you know your AH could be - I have to ask you, what are you getting out of the relationship?
Is there a chance that you could talk to him and explain how you feel and be respected for feeling that way? Or is he far enough into his addiction(s) that he really is just selfish beyond being reached on that emotional level of understanding?
It's time Audrey to really stop and think about what you want. Time to give some thought to what is best for you and your children. Time for you to realize that you area person and you deserve to be treated as such.
You're at the beginning of the journey of your new life Audrey. Whatcha gonna do with it? (just some food for thought for ya)
I remember a time where I felt used after being intercourse with my AH. I remember feeling a lot of emotions so I can understand somewhat of what you are saying.
Something I read on this board stuck with me. Someone posted something about looking to what you want your life to be and then thinking about how you could get there. I've slowly been making those steps. But in reference to your post, I have got to tell you that you do not have to be intimate with your AH. You do not have to do anything that makes you feel used, degraded, etc. (Yes, I know you already know this but I also know that sometimes we need to hear it.)
You admit that you realize that you are in an abusive relationship. And while you see glimpses of the person that you know your AH could be - I have to ask you, what are you getting out of the relationship?
Is there a chance that you could talk to him and explain how you feel and be respected for feeling that way? Or is he far enough into his addiction(s) that he really is just selfish beyond being reached on that emotional level of understanding?
It's time Audrey to really stop and think about what you want. Time to give some thought to what is best for you and your children. Time for you to realize that you area person and you deserve to be treated as such.
You're at the beginning of the journey of your new life Audrey. Whatcha gonna do with it? (just some food for thought for ya)
Barely There
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Adelaide Sa
Posts: 39
Hey Standing
I have tried to talk to him for 2 yrs!! He continually swings between remorse and then balming me for his drinking and for naot caring about him. At the moment we haven't spoken for a week because he tried stand-over tactics with me to have sex. He can not see my point of view and when I ask him to cut out the drinking he syas I am asking him to give up everything he enjoys (ie because he had to give up the dope).
I find letters he writes to me that I never get stating all sorts of paranoid things including he thinks I have had affairs etc and that he thinks I lie to hi all the time. I know it sounds bad but usually there is just enough "OK" time in between these bouts that I trick myself into thinking he might change. This time I am trying to keep a clearer head though and see him for who he is.
He will cut down the drinking, then expect me to sleep with him then when he gets what he wants will return to old behaviours. This is what I need to remember.
Yes standing - I hope this is the beginning of my journey, not just another ring-road to bring me back to the same place!
I have tried to talk to him for 2 yrs!! He continually swings between remorse and then balming me for his drinking and for naot caring about him. At the moment we haven't spoken for a week because he tried stand-over tactics with me to have sex. He can not see my point of view and when I ask him to cut out the drinking he syas I am asking him to give up everything he enjoys (ie because he had to give up the dope).
I find letters he writes to me that I never get stating all sorts of paranoid things including he thinks I have had affairs etc and that he thinks I lie to hi all the time. I know it sounds bad but usually there is just enough "OK" time in between these bouts that I trick myself into thinking he might change. This time I am trying to keep a clearer head though and see him for who he is.
He will cut down the drinking, then expect me to sleep with him then when he gets what he wants will return to old behaviours. This is what I need to remember.
Yes standing - I hope this is the beginning of my journey, not just another ring-road to bring me back to the same place!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
