Waiting

Old 07-23-2002, 07:35 PM
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Ann
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Waiting

I believe this was posted once before, but I could not find it, so I am re-posting it for everyone who is "waiting". It is from Melody Beatties" "Language of Letting Go"....April 21 reading.

WAITING

Wait. If the time is not right, the way is not clear, the answer or decision not consistant, wait.

We may feel a sense of urgency. We may want to resolve the issue by doing something - anything now, but that action is not in our best interest.

Living with confusion or unsolved problems is difficult. It is easier to resolve things. But making a decision too soon, doing something before it's time, means we have have to go back and redo it.

If the time is not right, wait. If the way is not clear, do not plunge forward. If the answer or decision feels muddy, wait.

In this new way of life, there is a Guiding Force. We do not ever have to move too soon or move out of harmony. Waiting is an action - a positive, forceful action.

Often, waiting is a God-guided action, one with as much power as a decision, and more power than an urgent, ill-timed decision.

We do not have to pressure ourselves by insisting that we do or know something before it's time. When it is time, we will know. We will move into that time naturally and harmoniously. We will have peace and consistency. We will feel empowered in a way we do not feel today.

Deal with the panic, the urgency, the fear; do not let them control or dictate decisions.

Waiting isn't easy. It isn't fun. But waiting is often necessary to get what we want. It is NOT deadtime; it is NOT downtime. The answer will come. The power will come. The time will come. And it will be right.

Today I will wait, if waiting is the action I need in order to take care of myself. I will know that I am taking a positive, forceful action by waiting until the time is right. God, help me let fo of my fear, urgency, and panic. Help me learn the art of waiting until the time is right. Help me learn timing.
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Old 07-23-2002, 07:50 PM
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Ann,

Thank you so much...that is such an important lesson.

Hugs,
JT
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Old 07-23-2002, 07:57 PM
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anns....I would fence sit forever..........what about us who could just wait until there was no more time?
I almopt did that the first marriage and YES I am questioning my choice of a divorce now...but..........how much do we have to wait? When REALLY is the best time....how much abuse do we tolerate? I think people in our situation have a fabulous ability to tolerate pain........what do you think? Love Kitty
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Old 07-23-2002, 08:01 PM
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Could you have done it sooner Kitty???

Or do you just think you could have in hind sight.

Everything always looks easier in hind sight.

Just a thought.

Hugs,

MG
 
Old 07-23-2002, 08:07 PM
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Should I have left sooner????????...........Yes, most definitely. I made the wrong choice and married him.....and that is another two page post I will save you all from.
Can I now? I still wonder ONLY out of fear and his controllling ways..... I am praying to God for help.
Love Kitty.
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Old 07-23-2002, 08:21 PM
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Ann
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Hi Kitty

This is not about waiting while being abused. We can go somewhere safe first, and then "wait" there.

It is about doing what you are doing. You have made what you feel is probably the right decision. But if you feel shaky about it, you can wait until you are stonger, or surer. And you don't have to feel guilty about that. At some point, JT calls it our "moment of clarity" we see clearly and can then move forward with confidence.

Many decision we make are not comfortable. When I wouldn't allow my son to live at home, that was a painful, uncomfortable
decision. But I KNEW it was right. It took time and repeated bad behaviour before that clarity came to me, but it came.

You are making great strides in your recovery, and can have some faith in your instinct and feeling of what is right and when it is right.

Trust that and trust God. The rest will fall into place...when it is time.
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Old 07-23-2002, 08:45 PM
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Kitty,
What I meant is that I think we all did the best we could do and are doing the best we can. I wish I could change 25 years of my life, but I know I did the best I could do. I truely wish that it didn't take me as long as it did, but it did.

Emotions are really hard to work through. We tend to stay in denial because our emotions are so strong. When I'm afraid my son is going to die you can throw everything I've learned out the door. I can grit my teeth and sweat it out for just so long.

If I ask myself why I waited so long to make the changes I've made, I would have to say that the pain of acting would have been more than I could have handled. The longer I waited the stronger I got and then I was able to cope with the pain of the changes.

The more we know and the more we grow and the more able we are to make the changes we want to make.

When the truth gets clear enough we can't go back to denial. When we're unsure it's easy to go back and forth. We are unsure of the facts and unsure of our own strengths and abilities. Sometimes we've denied ourselves for so long that we haven't even developed our abilities.

There can be a lot of action in waiting.

Hugs,

MG
 
Old 07-24-2002, 04:49 AM
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I waited

I don't know if I what I did is really what this reading suggests or not. I waited...and waited. I made plans to protect myself and continually questioned whether I should be acting on the plans and leaving. Everyone around me gave up a long time before and were urging me to leave. I couldn't. I wouldn't. I wasn't ready. I didn't know if I was making a terribly destructive choice by not acting, or if I was doing the right thing. I lived in limbo and hoped I would see some sign that would show me the way. I believe now that I was in limbo for a reason.....I was there long enough for my A to want to save himself. My life hasn't been perfect and I am certainly not the poster child for Al-anon....a lot of my decisions and behaviors were and have been questioned by anoners and caring family members. I do know that I made the right choices for me, though. That brings some peace. Thank you for the reading.
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Old 07-24-2002, 04:56 PM
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Hi Piggle

Being an Anon or codependent isn't about leaving. That choice rests with the individual. Many have chosen to stay, and this program is about helping ourselves get through the rough times and living healthy happy lives.

Your choice to stay was right for you. And no one should ever challenge that. What is "right" for each of us may be very different, but when we are healthy and grounded, we are then capable of making good "choices" and one choice may be to stay. There is nothing wrong with that.

In some cases, staying is not the choice, and it could be a very destructive situation to be in. Sometimes we have to move on, and move out to be able to live a healthy happy life.

The point is that we cannot allow the disease of codepency to eat away at us continually, or we will become very very sick indeed. So we practice our recovery, work our steps, and focus on looking after ourselves, whether or not we stay or go.

I see a lot of confusion about this issue, so I hope this helps anyone who feels they are failing their recovery by staying. It just isn't so.
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Old 07-26-2002, 06:02 AM
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Thanks Ann

Yes, your post is very helpful to me. I have been told that by not letting my A "crash and burn" on his own, I was codependent and that his recovery may only be temporary since he didn't do it all on his own. I feel like he DID recover on his own....I was simply there to make sure he didn't kill himself before he was ready to get better. I would only have considered leaving if he was unwilling to attempt to recover or if he was violent and abusive. I did the best I could...and I may have let some of my needs go by the wayside during the worst of it. I simply had to prioitize....
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Old 07-26-2002, 04:01 PM
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Ann
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Hey Piggle

I don't know who told you that, but codependency is not rated by whether you stay or go.

Your recovery is about YOU and what is healthy for YOU and YOUR timing. I think someone else is doing your inventory and that is a big No No in this program. I would tell anyone who questions your recovery to do their own inventory.

The fact that you stuck it through and feel good about your decision speaks for itself. The rest is nobody's business.

Oh my I sound a little testy here - sorry. Maybe I better do a little inventory of my own LOL.

I am happy for you that your life is better. And I think you would make a great poster-girl for recovery.
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Old 07-28-2002, 10:48 PM
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Piggle--your post touched me. I'm a codependent who stayed and so far, it's working. My A is in recovery and a better person for it. I did lots of things that enabled him for a long time, and I guess I feel guilty about that, but I was in the dark about this illness and didn't really take action until I understood it better. That took time. I guess each relationship is different. Some marriages are bad with or without drinking. I have a great marriage that was nearly destroyed by drinking until we both committed to getting better. One day at a time!
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Old 07-29-2002, 04:53 AM
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Marie.....I think you are right. Each situation is different and no one answer applies across the board. We did what WE thought was right at the time, and it worked for us. Maybe we were lucky? I like to think that we did what we did because we KNEW how best to handle our situations....and I am trying to not dwell on the codependencies that I exhibited It is hard, but our path isn't always clear. We could be in very different places right now had we chosen differently...and like you, I am so happy I stuck it out
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Old 07-29-2002, 10:16 AM
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Piggle and Marie,

I am so happy for both of you. I am always for keeping a marriage together if at all possible.

I'm so glad it worked out that way for both of you.

Hugs,

MG
 
Old 07-29-2002, 05:06 PM
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I had to reply, (while I am STILL AT WORK AGAIN)

I beleive I have sat still finally now. I think I jumped so much in the past when things were not exactly ready to go, and then I did wind up having to go backwards, not for physical reasons, but mentally, I just had to finally have enough, finally get my head together to do this. I has been such a long road, sometimes I sit still (when that rare moment strikes) and I take a long deep breath.

I really need to get some of Mealine Beatles books! Great topic...
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Old 10-26-2002, 07:17 AM
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Ann
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To the top for Searching and the other newcomers....
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Old 10-26-2002, 07:43 AM
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hi everyone,
good thought provoking topic, with a lot of good reactions and sharing. what just came to me is this question? have i made any real decisions? have i really stopped the act and react? have i done what's right for me, or are all my decisions cluttered with pain and thinking about the end effect on the whole family? i don't know the answer. maybe i should spend a little time looking for the clarity of what i've been doing with my life! it's hard to remove the regrets, the reflections, and the hindsight. maybe today i can try to sort through what really happened and pray for release from denial, and yet give myself a break. i find that i have i tendency to still believe my actions impacted other people's decisions. i need to set myself free from that way of thinking. baffling, confusing, io don't know if that makes any sense to anyone but me, but i'm glad i came here this morning and read the posts. love you all and thanks for everything.
hugs fromsugar
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Old 10-26-2002, 11:46 AM
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Thanks for bringing this up Anns, it was a great reading and I especially loved everyones responses. I keep trying to ask myself what are my motives????


Is my motivation to leave based on the fact that it will get my husband to stop using because he may lose me??? or is it that I truly need to leave for me.

Once I can answer this question by answering only the latter, I will sit and wait for what god has in store for me.


Thanks everyone,

Searching
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Old 10-26-2002, 07:04 PM
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JT
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Searching,

I have told this story before...this time is for you. Back when I was struggling with should I or shouldn't I make my son move out I was attending meetings and I heard that doing nothing can be doing something. If you don't know wait. Doing nothing can be an action. So I actively did nothing...because I didn't know what was right or wrong.

One day during a conversation with a non alanon friend I had my answer. He had to go. And from that moment on I knew the answer.

Still I did nothing. I allowed the circumstances to unfold and in the end he left. And my HP in all His wisdom had him pack and go while I wasn't there.

This was my first true "moment of clarity" in the program. My first spiritual experience in Alanon and even today it awes me.

To some it may seem mundane, but to me it was God and the program working exactly the way it should.

Hugs,
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Old 10-26-2002, 09:00 PM
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Wow JT....I have goosebumps

God waited until you were ready. All you had to do was have faith and do the next right thing for you. How poingniant, I am in awe of that. It truly is a spiritual experience and great second step work.

You said a key phrase for me, I don't know what is right or wrong, not to mention that I would be making a decision that would be affecting 5 peoples lives.

From this moment on, once I do know what needs to happen, I am still going to do nothing and believe that what is suppose to happen, will.

An inspiration for sure. Thanks for sharing that with me. A true example of what recovery is for. I will never forget it.


Love and faith,

Searching
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