Sex and Relationships
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London
Posts: 34
Sex and Relationships
Sorry if this is embarrassing to anyone but I have no-one else I can talk to about this.
My husband is an alcoholic and demands sex from me when he is sober. I refuse to let him anywhere near me when he's drunk. It started mainly because he wasn't capable. He then hit upon the great idea of demanding sex on a Sunday night when he wasn't too drunk (work Monday am). I used to go along with this sometimes - stopped him calling me names and accusing me of having an affair and he was usually pretty nice to me for a few days after. Sunday nights stopped and he started on weekend mornings (we have 2 small boys) and he used to insist on blocking up our bedroom door. If I refuse which I do as this actually makes me feel like dirt he gets really abusive and calls me names, tells me thats what marriage is for and threatens to cancel our joint banking account etc. If the boys are invited round to friends at the same time during the day he also expects instant sex. The sex takes minutes and leaves me feeling like absolute sh1t. He has told me recently he expects sex at least once a fortnight in 2005. Has anyone else experienced this kind of thing. I wonder sometimes if I will ever enjoy sex or want sex again. I've been to the Dr to get my pills changed in an effort to kickstart my libido but TBH I wouldn't care if I never had sex again. The very idea of having to do it with my husband makes my skin crawl. Anyone else been there done that? Sorry for being so direct.
My husband is an alcoholic and demands sex from me when he is sober. I refuse to let him anywhere near me when he's drunk. It started mainly because he wasn't capable. He then hit upon the great idea of demanding sex on a Sunday night when he wasn't too drunk (work Monday am). I used to go along with this sometimes - stopped him calling me names and accusing me of having an affair and he was usually pretty nice to me for a few days after. Sunday nights stopped and he started on weekend mornings (we have 2 small boys) and he used to insist on blocking up our bedroom door. If I refuse which I do as this actually makes me feel like dirt he gets really abusive and calls me names, tells me thats what marriage is for and threatens to cancel our joint banking account etc. If the boys are invited round to friends at the same time during the day he also expects instant sex. The sex takes minutes and leaves me feeling like absolute sh1t. He has told me recently he expects sex at least once a fortnight in 2005. Has anyone else experienced this kind of thing. I wonder sometimes if I will ever enjoy sex or want sex again. I've been to the Dr to get my pills changed in an effort to kickstart my libido but TBH I wouldn't care if I never had sex again. The very idea of having to do it with my husband makes my skin crawl. Anyone else been there done that? Sorry for being so direct.
spirit
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: perth,western australia
Posts: 1,460
hi loopylou,
i havent been in that situation, but what is happening for you is abuse.
you know that.
maybe try and contact a women's centre to talk through the problem, see if there are some other 'strategies' that you can put in place.
otherwise i would suggest you tell him no, untill he gets his act together, then how can he expect you to be intimate with him. of course he would not understand that, but at least you get to say it.
marriage is not about sex or sexual rights. there is no such thing, sex, making love, whatever is about consentual intimacies between two people (at least haha - sorry couldnt resist). it is not about obligation.
i do know that some sex therapists might suggest picking a day of the week for couples who are struggling with intimacy, so at least it happens and keeps people close, but i am not so sure how well it works. i think it would make one 'dread sundays", therefore spend the week stressing about it.
not sure what else to say, except i dont think it is a drinking issue, i dont want to scare you or be offensive to your partner, but it sounds like an ownership, control thing.
take care and contact a womens group, domestic violence helpline etc to talk it through. what you are feeling is not good hon.
cheers
kath
i havent been in that situation, but what is happening for you is abuse.
you know that.
maybe try and contact a women's centre to talk through the problem, see if there are some other 'strategies' that you can put in place.
otherwise i would suggest you tell him no, untill he gets his act together, then how can he expect you to be intimate with him. of course he would not understand that, but at least you get to say it.
marriage is not about sex or sexual rights. there is no such thing, sex, making love, whatever is about consentual intimacies between two people (at least haha - sorry couldnt resist). it is not about obligation.
i do know that some sex therapists might suggest picking a day of the week for couples who are struggling with intimacy, so at least it happens and keeps people close, but i am not so sure how well it works. i think it would make one 'dread sundays", therefore spend the week stressing about it.
not sure what else to say, except i dont think it is a drinking issue, i dont want to scare you or be offensive to your partner, but it sounds like an ownership, control thing.
take care and contact a womens group, domestic violence helpline etc to talk it through. what you are feeling is not good hon.
cheers
kath
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Loopylou
What you describe sounds more like sexual abuse to me. Sex should be mutually shared and enjoyed by both partners and not something you just tolerate or do under threat.
It doesn't have to be that way, but only you can decide whether or not you want to stay in a relationship like this. You have options, and if you need help please call a women's abuse shelter near you.
Hugs
Ann
What you describe sounds more like sexual abuse to me. Sex should be mutually shared and enjoyed by both partners and not something you just tolerate or do under threat.
It doesn't have to be that way, but only you can decide whether or not you want to stay in a relationship like this. You have options, and if you need help please call a women's abuse shelter near you.
Hugs
Ann
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England, UK
Posts: 197
Hi Loopyou
Thanks for having the courage to share this. It’s obviously a very hurtful and difficult situation.
If you don’t mind, I’d like to share my experience from the point of view of a male recovering alcoholic.
Obsessive and compulsive behaviour is one of the strongest symptoms which an alcoholic displays. When I was drinking, I felt pretty much the same as your H. I felt rejected when we didn’t have sex and my mind would obsess about stupid reasons like infidelity on her part. Absolutely nothing to do with me. “I’m fine, I’m normal, I’m good looking, I’m not the one with the problem”. Well I can assure you that it is the A who has the problem and that your feelings are as a result of his attitudes and behaviours.
In recovery, I am starting to learn much more about myself. Firstly, love is an action word and making love is but a small part of the all the actions which two people demonstrate to each other, to reaffirm their mutual feelings for each other. It can’t be forced or imposed by one on the other.
Secondly love manifests itself in lots of different ways. I’m currently separated from my ex fiancée, so the love which I can give her is time, space, respect, understanding and help when she asks for it. Only yesterday, we sat and had a 10 minute conversation, not about either of us, but just stuff…and we both laughed a bit. That’s love in its own way.
Thirdly. It takes time. We alcoholics are impetuous and impatient people. We want it all to be perfect…and we want it yesterday!!! Only through recovery, have I begun to really grasp the principles of honesty, willingness, acceptance open mindedness and humility. Practising these principles a day at a time, I can stay sober (which is the single most important thing), rebuild my life and therefore the trust which I deprived my ex of. By keeping it all simple, I can learn to appreciate the joys of delayed gratification….not only in a sexual context.
I really hope this gives you some insight for your own wellbeing and I hope just as much that you’re a can recognise what’s happening to him and reach out for help….we all need it sometimes.
(((Rich)))
Thanks for having the courage to share this. It’s obviously a very hurtful and difficult situation.
If you don’t mind, I’d like to share my experience from the point of view of a male recovering alcoholic.
Obsessive and compulsive behaviour is one of the strongest symptoms which an alcoholic displays. When I was drinking, I felt pretty much the same as your H. I felt rejected when we didn’t have sex and my mind would obsess about stupid reasons like infidelity on her part. Absolutely nothing to do with me. “I’m fine, I’m normal, I’m good looking, I’m not the one with the problem”. Well I can assure you that it is the A who has the problem and that your feelings are as a result of his attitudes and behaviours.
In recovery, I am starting to learn much more about myself. Firstly, love is an action word and making love is but a small part of the all the actions which two people demonstrate to each other, to reaffirm their mutual feelings for each other. It can’t be forced or imposed by one on the other.
Secondly love manifests itself in lots of different ways. I’m currently separated from my ex fiancée, so the love which I can give her is time, space, respect, understanding and help when she asks for it. Only yesterday, we sat and had a 10 minute conversation, not about either of us, but just stuff…and we both laughed a bit. That’s love in its own way.
Thirdly. It takes time. We alcoholics are impetuous and impatient people. We want it all to be perfect…and we want it yesterday!!! Only through recovery, have I begun to really grasp the principles of honesty, willingness, acceptance open mindedness and humility. Practising these principles a day at a time, I can stay sober (which is the single most important thing), rebuild my life and therefore the trust which I deprived my ex of. By keeping it all simple, I can learn to appreciate the joys of delayed gratification….not only in a sexual context.
I really hope this gives you some insight for your own wellbeing and I hope just as much that you’re a can recognise what’s happening to him and reach out for help….we all need it sometimes.
(((Rich)))
Guest
Posts: n/a
I feel for you, but it really sounds more like abust to me too! I have a "sex" situation myself. my "A" is actually my X husband who I moved back with 3 1/2 years ago. I love him, but and not "In love" with him. I have NO sexual attraction to him at all! But we do things together (less and less now) and have fun doing it. I "give" him sex maybe once a week, out of my feeling of "duty". Its not fun for me, and he knows I am not into it. I feel bad for him for that. But I won't pretend. I would break it off, but I live better here then I would elsewhere. Its a long story, but in the devorce he got everything, including the house which is on my familys property given to me as part of my inheritence, and my mom lives next door! So, I do what I can to stay. HIS family won't have anything to do with me, (which is fine by me) and I worry that if he dies first, that they will try to take it from me, but he said that everything would go to the kids (19 and 22 now) so I feel better about that. So I feel that I can give him some sex every now and then, to be able to stay. I won't do it when he is "plastered" (which is most of the time) I feel like I am in limbo 1/2 the time! I hope you find a way out of your situation!
Radar
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 199
(((loopylou))) I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been in the same situation. For years I let my AH have what he wanted when he wanted it. It was one of the "chores" I had to do. It only took 5 minutes and then I could go do what I wanted but it left me feeling dirty and sometimes when he was done I would say, "Leave the money on the night stand." He didn't like that.
Anyway, when his drinking got really bad, I started refusing him and he didn't get it as much. Last summer was really bad and it all blew up in July. We haven't had sex since. We're going to counseling and the counselor made a rule that we can't have sex until we have the trust and love back. YAY! I don't miss it and I can't imagine wanting to again but maybe that will change.
My AH never got physically abusive and the verbal abuse wasn't too bad but the emotional abuse (guilt trip) was terrible. He really knows how to manipulate me to get his way. I had to learn not to give in to his emotional abuse.
No pill is going to jump start your libido when you have to give sex to him under threats. If he gets physically abusive, call the police or go to a friends house. If it's just words, leave the house or try to ignore him. When he's sober and calm maybe you can tell him how he makes you feel. It helps to go to Alanon and/or counseling and learn the techniques to stand up for yourself.
Take care and let us know how it goes. We're here for you.
Anyway, when his drinking got really bad, I started refusing him and he didn't get it as much. Last summer was really bad and it all blew up in July. We haven't had sex since. We're going to counseling and the counselor made a rule that we can't have sex until we have the trust and love back. YAY! I don't miss it and I can't imagine wanting to again but maybe that will change.
My AH never got physically abusive and the verbal abuse wasn't too bad but the emotional abuse (guilt trip) was terrible. He really knows how to manipulate me to get his way. I had to learn not to give in to his emotional abuse.
No pill is going to jump start your libido when you have to give sex to him under threats. If he gets physically abusive, call the police or go to a friends house. If it's just words, leave the house or try to ignore him. When he's sober and calm maybe you can tell him how he makes you feel. It helps to go to Alanon and/or counseling and learn the techniques to stand up for yourself.
Take care and let us know how it goes. We're here for you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: NOT in love thank goodness
Posts: 115
Oh, LoopyLou, I am so sorry. No, you shouldn't be made to have sex. It is your body and your right. I don't believe in marital obligations.
I never got to this piont with my A ex-bf but I know it would have. He was obsessed over our sex life. He wanted it all the time and amazingly his drinking didn't affect his performance (i'm not sure how). But what Dunitall it all said in his post really rings true of my ex. He was obsessive and controlling, jealous, etc. and I know it is all wrapped up in his alcoholism.
Dunitall.....wow....what a post. It meant a great deal to me. Thanks.
I never got to this piont with my A ex-bf but I know it would have. He was obsessed over our sex life. He wanted it all the time and amazingly his drinking didn't affect his performance (i'm not sure how). But what Dunitall it all said in his post really rings true of my ex. He was obsessive and controlling, jealous, etc. and I know it is all wrapped up in his alcoholism.
Dunitall.....wow....what a post. It meant a great deal to me. Thanks.
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
Lou--Dunitall really said it well and bravely. You are being abused. Sex should be a
sharing of intimacy that is nutured all through the relationship. In the case of most
relationships with As there is no intamacy. How can you feel any affection for a person
who is drunk-stinks--is sloppy--etc (talking about mine now I think) At any rate you
have a right to all decissions that are made in regards to your body. Marriage is not intitlement. Marriage does not mean that you have to put out for your spouse.
Just say NO. I said no last February (yes 2004) and I'm very relieved that I am done
with that argument and who knows if I will ever want to make love again in my life.
Here's hoping you have the strength to reclaim what is yours. Smiles--Dee
sharing of intimacy that is nutured all through the relationship. In the case of most
relationships with As there is no intamacy. How can you feel any affection for a person
who is drunk-stinks--is sloppy--etc (talking about mine now I think) At any rate you
have a right to all decissions that are made in regards to your body. Marriage is not intitlement. Marriage does not mean that you have to put out for your spouse.
Just say NO. I said no last February (yes 2004) and I'm very relieved that I am done
with that argument and who knows if I will ever want to make love again in my life.
Here's hoping you have the strength to reclaim what is yours. Smiles--Dee
Barely There
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Adelaide Sa
Posts: 39
Ditto to all the above Loopylou.
Just be assured you are not alone and there are obviously many of us here (so I am learning) in a similar situation who will undertsand and never judge.
I too am struggling with saying "NO" and sticking to it. Times I have been successful I haven't missed it and then he is good just long enough for it to start again and then the obsessive behaviour returns. It is exhasuting and degrading.
Wishing you the strength to demand the respect you deserve and to see him for what he really is.
Good Luck!!
Just be assured you are not alone and there are obviously many of us here (so I am learning) in a similar situation who will undertsand and never judge.
I too am struggling with saying "NO" and sticking to it. Times I have been successful I haven't missed it and then he is good just long enough for it to start again and then the obsessive behaviour returns. It is exhasuting and degrading.
Wishing you the strength to demand the respect you deserve and to see him for what he really is.
Good Luck!!
Guest
Posts: n/a
De at Mt Bully, what if you are NOT married????? I am afraid that if I DON't give it to him, he will want to end this, and I will lose everything AGAIN! It would be so much different if the house we own wasn't sitting on MY inheritence and right next door to my mother who would be heart broken if we sold and moved! I feel stuck! (the house is in his name and I will get half when/if we sell. )
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
If I refuse which I do as this actually makes me feel like dirt he gets really abusive and calls me names, tells me thats what marriage is for and threatens to cancel our joint banking account etc.
Perhaps as alcohol strips things from his life his attention is going to what he thinks he can keep by force.
It's just an opinion, but I feel for you and I'm sure getting the centre of power back to you within your own life would help.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
Loop - When my husband was sober and clean for 5 years, we used to laugh and flirt and quite frankly have some of the best sex/love I could ever imagine. When he started drinking again, our whole relationship changed, I lost respect for the man, I lost any desire to even be touched by him while he was impaired. I grew to hate the whole act. Because that is what it had become in my mind, an act, untruthful, which in turn made me start dis-respecting myself. The more I didn't want it, the more he seemed to want to prove that we still "had" it. Even to the point where he couldn't perform, he just came up with Viagra which I finelly said enough. I was loosing respect for myself, I felt like a ***** being with my own husband. A piece of meat. But he had something to prove. I thought I would never want to have sex again. But you know what, I haven't had sex in a year now, and I've been away from my husband totally since October, and it is comming back. The old desires are slowly comming back. I think it is because I am now starting to find some happiness for myself and the stress and pressure have been removed. (Now if I just had a partner that I loved, I would be a real happy camper).
My point here - is it worth it? Is it worth feeling degraded? We already loose so much of our souls and our happiness, but to loose making love to someone we love and loves us back with respect from both parties. What is worth that?
B
My point here - is it worth it? Is it worth feeling degraded? We already loose so much of our souls and our happiness, but to loose making love to someone we love and loves us back with respect from both parties. What is worth that?
B
Guest
Posts: n/a
"When he started drinking again, our whole relationship changed, I lost respect for the man, I lost any desire to even be touched by him while he was impaired. I grew to hate the whole act. Because that is what it had become in my mind, an act, untruthful, which in turn made me start dis-respecting myself. The more I didn't want it, the more he seemed to want to prove that we still "had" it. "
Frankly, this is how I feel! But I feel guilty not "giving" it to him. I can see the hurt on his face, and the knowledge that he pays most the bills, and cooks dinner, and does little nice things for me like opening the garage door when he knows I am coming home from work and stuff. So I feel guilty and give in. And he knows I don't like it! Then he says things like "Why don't you like me?" and "You don't want me"! I hate it!
Frankly, this is how I feel! But I feel guilty not "giving" it to him. I can see the hurt on his face, and the knowledge that he pays most the bills, and cooks dinner, and does little nice things for me like opening the garage door when he knows I am coming home from work and stuff. So I feel guilty and give in. And he knows I don't like it! Then he says things like "Why don't you like me?" and "You don't want me"! I hate it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London
Posts: 34
Thank you for all your replies. I have read each one very carefully. It never occured to me that he was abusing me. I always assumed I should be able to have sex with him because he was my husband and I suppose because of all the name calling etc I have started to feel like a frigid, miserable, dried out old woman. I learning so much from all of you on here - most of all that I'm not alone and that there are countless people out who have walked the same walk as I have. Thanks so much for your kindness - I can't express what it means to me. I would love to go back to the days that I was in love with him and wanted him to touch me. Even before the alcohol totally took over he didn't exactly treat me like a princess! I am working very hard on myself - counselling, a truck load of self-help books (including verbally abusive realtionship P Evans). This group has made me walk two inches taller already - thanks again.
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