Did I Cause My Son's Alcholism?

Old 01-10-2005, 05:52 PM
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Angry Did I Cause My Son's Alcholism?

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I have a 35yr old son who has had a drinking problem for 20+yrs. His father was very physically abusive to him. Son also suffers from ADHD. I'm feeling quite quilty b/c I did nothing to protect this child from the abuse. His father abused alcohol--but could function at work--pay bills, etc. My son's grandfather died of alcoholism @ age 51--in a tavern. I have had him committed to inpatient 2xs. Once at age 20 and once in Oct. 04. This last time he was not drinking--but smoking pot while in treatment! They discharged him and he went to a local shelter. Was there for about 3 wks b/4 getting kicked out for "who knows what?" I don't know, b/c he would rather tell a lie when telling the truth would be better. I feel so responsible b/c of his childhood, that it is hard for me not to enable him. I also am his mom--and moms love their children! I divorced his father when my son turned 18--but should have done it much sooner. However, I thought I was unable to take care of a family on my own with no training after HS. I have a daughter who struggles with issues--but does not use. She seeks counseling and trys to live a normal life. This is consuming more of my daily life each day. I have made an appointment to see a counselor, and am going to go to Al-Anon again. However, I feel so responsible for his addiction, and he takes advantage of it. Christmas was a total disaster!!! Any encouragement you can give is appreciated.
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Old 01-10-2005, 06:02 PM
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Flower Girl,
We Mom's are often guilty of thinking that every issue our kids face is somehow our fault.
It's not the case.
Our kids grow and change and are capable of making choices on their own.
Don't take the rap for what your son has chosen to do.
It's simply not yours to take.
You are no more the cause of your son's alcoholism than you are the cause of any of the successes he has achieved along the way.
He is his own person, responsible for the paths he has chosen to walk.
Seeing a counselor and going to Alanon are you doing good things for you.
You are not responsible for your son's addiction.
You are only responsible for taking care of you.
Keep on doing that.
Hugs,
Gabe
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Old 01-10-2005, 06:15 PM
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Do you think the physical abuse he suffered throughout his childhood contributed to his drinking?
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Old 01-10-2005, 06:37 PM
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I think abuse of any kind causes children great pain.
Many of us have pain in our past.
It's what we choose to do about it in our present that determines where we go from here.
The past is gone.
There is nothing we can do to change it.
All we have is today, and what we choose to do with that.
By making good choices with our todays, we lay the foundation for better tomorrows.
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Old 01-10-2005, 07:01 PM
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Amen, amen, amen, amen Gabe!!!!
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Old 01-10-2005, 08:49 PM
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Flower Girl,

You need not feel guilty. We all look back and ask what if ? It is a disease. What you did or may have done did not create the alcoholic any more that your ability to create cancer in him. Guilt comes with being a parent. If any harm was caused it was not intentional. I am not sure how religious you are but I read an expression which I think brings comfort when guilt or pain or shame grabs hold of us

God knows the difference between weakness and wickedness.

It is not wicked to be a frightened or nervous housewife and mother. The mistakes of staying to long (if it was) was done with love and the best interest of your family in mind. There should be no guilt involved in that.
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Old 01-10-2005, 09:12 PM
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I am a victom of abusive parents and I say it is not your fault that your son has addiction problems. There comes a day when you have to let go of whatever guilt
you may be feeling and move forward. You were young and you did the best you could.
Let yourself off the hook. Your son is old enough to take responsibility for his own actions. He can not blame his child hood for his problems all of his life. At some point
he has to take over his life and own it. We all make mistakes with our children and
we want to fix everything but at some point we have to step back and let them walk
or crawl or do whatever they do. It's scary when they have such big problems but
it is time for you to concentrate on your own recovery. I hope I haven't sounded to
bossy I just really feel your pain and I so hope you can let it go. Smiles--Dee

You may give them your love but not
your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not
their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
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Old 01-10-2005, 09:44 PM
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Hi there flower girl :-)

I'm an alcoholic, born to a long line of alkies and druggies. I was abused as a child, and was not protected by my mother. Or by any other relative either.

I don't blame my biological family for my alcoholism. Once I was out of the house and on my own I had the freedom to choose what I wanted to do with my life. I chose to booze it up, party down and have a good time. From the very first drink I had a huge tolerance, and loved the "buzz". More than likely, I would have become alcoholic regardless of what family raised me.

Nobody can make me be an alcoholic. Only I can do that. Nobody can keep me sober either, only I can do that. You did not cause your son's alcoholism. What you _can_ do is work your own program of recovery to help you deal with your own guilt and issues. That way, you will have the tools with which to stop enabling him as well as being an example to him of how a program of recovery can make a positive change in your life.

Whadya think?

Mike :-)
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Old 01-11-2005, 07:07 AM
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Wow! These are some powerful, insightful thoughts to start my day! I am a newbie to this board, and finally decided to join. Yes, I am fairly spiritual (religious), and have prayed alot (for me and my son). Lately, I really have become confused as to who or what I should be praying for. Have any of you ever felt like that? I have so many questions.
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Old 01-11-2005, 08:03 AM
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Good morning Flower Girl,

As I read your post, I saw so many things from my own beginning posts. I also am the loving mom of a son who uses and abuses drugs and alcohol. I can feel your pain and your shame coming through your words. And for that I am so sorry for you. What did you do that was "wrong"? NOTHING...because whatever action or inaction you took at the time was done for your children. PERIOD.

Whatever actions or inactions your child chose to take once he was old enough to know the difference between right and wrong...HE OWNS...no more than you as his mommy could wrap him in cotton to protect his body from the bumps and brusises of learning to walk..you cannot protect him from himself now.

As parents we want to take on the pain of our children..to accept it in to our hearts and take it away from them..but it's not ours...no more than their accomplishments are ours.

What your son is doing now is using you just as much as he uses his prefered substances. He wants to keep you beaten down...feeling as if you are to blame for all the ills in his life...that way he can control you. Taking back the control is gonna be rough...but believe me...coming from this LovingMom...it can be done..it is hard to do..and the path is not an easy one. But return here for your sustanence....we have all had to wrest our own control back...and the hugs and warmth here are plentyful.
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Old 01-11-2005, 08:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Flower Girl
Lately, I really have become confused as to who or what I should be praying for.
I pray for the sertenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

For me, that pretty much covers every problem I have in my life. There's other things I pray for, but that Serenity Prayer is a real good place to start :-)

Mike :-)
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Old 01-11-2005, 10:11 AM
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I have a 24 yr old son who is in full blown addiction - drugs and alcohol. I know first hand how you are feeling about so many issues. I accidently came across another site that has helped me a lot called Family Anonymous. It consist mostly of parents of adult children with addiction problems. This site and Sober Recovery has helped me deal with the problems we are facing. Thinking of you - Glenda
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Old 01-11-2005, 12:34 PM
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Flower Girl ,

simply pray that Gods will be done.
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Old 01-11-2005, 04:40 PM
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Just need to let you people know that today was one of the most peaceful days that I have had in the last 2 months. Your messages were soooooo comforting. Now, please tell me how to deal with the lies, control, sympathy, and everything else that an alcholic son sends my way. We usually end short coversations in a confrontational manner. I read one of these messages here that said you should try and act like nothing has happened. I find that sort of enabling. On Christmas Eve, we had planned that he would come to our house, we would go to church, then come home and he would spend the nite w/us and be with us for Christmas morning. First time in over 15 years. (I finally felt that I was getting my son back). So I really was excited and planned, planned, and planned. Well he showed up 45 minutes b/4 church started--stoned. He asked me "what did you do all day" I replied "waited for you." He became very defensive. I began to cry and he said "this is too stressful" and left. As he walked down my driveway carrying a duffle bag, my heart was very heavy. Needless to say there were more tears that evening and next morning to the point that I could hardly put one foot in front of the other and meet and greet other family members. How can you act as though nothing was wrong. I did not want him in my house stoned!!!!! Also is it hard to not want to buy him groceries when you know he is using his money for "other things?" I know that is enabling, but gosh, it is so hard. I really don't know how to have a conversation w/him. My heart skips a beat when the phone rings and it's him. Can anyone give me some tips? I can't believe the encouragement I have gotten from you people--in only 1 day!!!
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Old 01-11-2005, 05:31 PM
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Alanon--Or Naranon--Find meetings and go--You will find other parents of addicted
children and children of addicted parents and every combination you can imagine--
but most of all you will find people like us and you who are surviving this sickness.
You should be able to find meetings close to you on the net. Go to them go to several
untill you find one that fits you. I will be praying for you and your son--Dee
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Old 01-11-2005, 05:50 PM
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Looking for website--Family Anonymous

Can anyone help me find this website? I tried various versions of these 2 words. Thanks.
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