StandingStrong

I realize that some of you are here with children or friends and not significant others. But I'm curious how long all of you have dealt with this. And if you are currently still together, etc.
It's hard for me to keep up with how long who has been with whom. LOL
Thought this may simplify it for me - as well as let the newcomers see.


me......I've been married to my alcoholic husband for 16 years.
We've been seperated for almost one year.

jalacola

I have been with my A for 10 years, married for 7. We have 2 children. We were separated last year for a little over a month (November, basically). We are currently "together" if that's what you call it. We live in the same house, but I am gotten very good at this detachment thing! Currently, he is out getting movies, filling a prescription, and buying a CD for his step-mother's birthday tomorrow. i.e. he is out driving around and more than likely drinking. I don't care.

JessicaNAJ

I've been with my AH 15 years - Dated 7, married 8 but separated almost 1 (still married though so I don't know how to count that.)

We have two beautiful kids - 9 and 3.

I knew he was an alcoholic when I married him. But foolish me thought I could fix him because I loved him that much. I endured much more heartache than happiness.

I've been in recovery for 1 year. I have learned so much about myself. It feels really good to finally stick up for ME and do things I want to do, for ME (and my kids of course...lol)

Mich

3 years...no children of our own..he has 3 beautiful children that I have known for 7 years. We are not together now and have not been for 8 months....However, we recently started to talk again (friends) He is currently trying to put his life and recovery together and I am working on ME! One day at a time.

1sunshine2

I am 45 my husband 44, we have been together since 15 and 16 years old. Married at 17 and 18..currently separated for a month...
that made me very sad just now.........

Savana 54

As I read all your stories it saddens me to see so much seperation and divorce, although I know its for the best for all of you.

I have been with my A for almost two years and I'm not sure what is going on, as I just found this site and I am learning so much.

1sunshine2

I would much prefer to be hanging on to something other than a sober recovery forum. I hope you guys will all be okay if you are as goofed up in the head as I am.......good grief.

dreamcatcher

I have been with my husband 25 years married 23 years. We have 3 children 21, 20, 18. We have been separated twice, once for 8 months even filed for divorce, that was 6 years ago and then separated 2 years ago for two months. Currently we are existing in the same house. He will be going to prison soon for his 3rd DUI in 1 1/2 years, his last one involved a pedestrian so he is looking at felony time. I am doing all I can to hang on until he goes and then figure out how I will manage. I AM DONE. We stand to lose everything we have worked for and guess what he is still drinking and would be drinking and driving if he hadn't lost his license and every police officer in town knows him. He continues to cause chaos daily, as he figures what is their to lose? Thats my story. Been there, done that!

Cap3

Not knowing that i too was,an, alcoholic as is my Hub,i headed to the rooms of Al-anon,and i went to AA then to see if i could "fix",my Hub.lol.I was at that point ,married for 17 years.I was ready to head for da hills on our marriage.But something told me i should "wait".Until i had some sort of recovery myself.But as im going to AA,i heard another tell my story,as far as my drinking.It was then that i took the binocklers, of hub,and came clean about my own drinking.That was back in 1986.Hub came to the rooms of AA 10 years later.We have 4 boys,all are grown today,.Back then i couldnt see the light.A hopeless family,was given hope through these programs..By Gods Grace we will be cerbrating 37 years marriage,this year.We are by His Grace a very close,knit,loving family,today.I say this humbly,this trully is a miracle.It really is.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,take care!!!!

hope2bhappy

I have been married to my AH for almost 16 years. I knew he had a problem when I married him. The good part of him outweighed the bad for me. He is a functional alcoholic. He has a full time job, does the yardwork, takes care of the cars, helps around the house, is extremely kind and loving to my 8 cats, but is drinking or drunk almost every single day or night -- some more than others. (My definition of drunk: slurring words, acting stupid, not being able to perform simple tasks, follow directions or have an intelligent conversation -- this is why I have 8 cats). I have no intention of separating or divorcing. I take it one day at a time. He's still a nice guy, even when he's drunk. He's just annoying as hell. He doesn't go to bars. He doesn't run around. And (as far as I know) he doesn't lie -- unless it's about drinking. Besides drinking, his favorite thing to do is drive while drunk. I have no expectations (which is key to living with an A). I have a 28 year old daughter from a previous marriage. My AH and I have no children together. Dreamcatcher is living my nightmare. I try to turn it over to God as much as possible.

hope2bhappy

And, oh yeah... for all you newbies who have not yet married your alcoholic bf/gf... This is why we all tell you to "RUN."

JennyK

I have known my husband for 14 years, since college. We have been married for 8 years. We partied together in our younger days, everyone did. I grew up, he did not. I did not realize he had a serious problem until about 3 years ago and it has gone down hill FAST. We have 2 young children. Today was not a good day. Makes me so sad to think of all the dreams we had that I have recently realized that alcohol has killed. Again...NOT a good day for us....for me.

Jenny

mushroom

Today is our 6th anniversary and he's spending it in his outpatient session. That's fine with me tho I no longer feel there's anything to celebrate. He was sober the first three years of marriage, plus the one year we knew each other beforehand, that's it. I just now got off the phone telling FIL that I have to move out. The move will be for just a few months but I have no expectation of living happily ever after with him anymore. My expectation is that in the summer, once I"ve had a chance to heal, I'll be looking for a permanent living arrangement and it won't include him. He's not violent but he's not an adult either. I didn't marry a 5 year old but that's what I got and that's not acceptable to me. I just don't see how an alcoholic or any other addict can be a suitable marriage partner. They can't hold up their end of the deal and I can't carry the whole thing by myself.

I second hope2bhappy: run, don't walk, away if you're not married. If you are, well it's a little more difficult.

larry g

Was with her 12 years. Unmarried. No longer together. She has been sober a year now.

Dee at Mt Bully

Married 11 this Feb 12--went together 17months before marriage. I'm sure 11 will
be our last anniversary. Didn't think he was an A we party a little when dating-
I shot pool on a pool team. I didn't always drink so I didn't think twice about driving--
I didn't catch on that he had a problem for 3 or 4 years. Then I started having the talk
you know the one--you should drink less--how many beers did you drink last night--
DID YOU DRINK THE WHOLE 12 PACK--you guys get it. I can't count how many times
I said I will not be able to live the rest of my life with a drunk--I always thought our
marriage would be more important. Like a lot of other people I miss judged the power
of alcohol. It is sad to read this list as we all chime in and see all the lives alcohol
has effected. To think our forefathers fought to make it legal. Who'd of thought. LOL
Any way that's my story--I'm not sure if the first 3 or4 years were worth the last few.
Take care everyone Smiles--Dee

jojo

Married for 7 years. He told me he was a "recovering alcoholic" so I thought that meant that he was "all better." What a laugh that is!!!!! Found out different a year or so later. I left him last spring. Biggest lesson I learned: never have a short courtship no matter how right it seems. Date for at least 30 years before making any commitment!!!!!! (I must be in "cynical" mode.)

Jo

wraybear

14 year anniversary was a couple days ago. Dated for two years prior to that, but have been pretty good friends since I was 15 - almost 30 years ago!

We have been separated for about 14 weeks.

FormerDoormat

Well, JoJo, long courtships don't necessarily yield much better results. I have been dating my AB for 22 years. Met him when I was 22 and he was 37. I'm now 44; he's now 60. It took me several years to realize he was an alcoholic, athough thinking back on it now, I actually did notice he had a problem shortly after we began dating. He had so many good qualities that I think I was just in denial. He was functioning fine, had a good job, was responsible, and loving. Unfortunately, I had no idea that alcoholism was a progressive disease. How naive. But in my defense I had never experienced addition before. Came from a wonderful, loving family (six brothers and sisters and parents that I love very much). Disagreements were rare in my house, my brothers and sisters were my best friends, still are today. So, I was ill-prepared to deal with the problems associated with addiction.

Came to this forum about 5 weeks ago after monitoring the board for about a week. I knew this was a good place for me, so I chimed in. At the time my boyfriend had just begun AA for the first time. After a rough start, he's now thoroughly immersed in the program and working it every day. He goes to meetings daily, calls his sponsor daily, and reads his materials every chance he gets. He hasn't had a drink in over 30 days. I didn't think he had the courage or strength to get this far. I underestimated him. I think we codies do that a lot.

Perhaps I'm being overly optimistic, but the changes I've seen in my boyfriend over the last 5-6 weeks have been astounding. He's clear-headed, alert, upbeat, considerate, taking on new responsibilities, participating in family affairs, even laughing and joking with me again. In short, he's been a joy to have around and I'm so very grateful to have my sweet man back again.

Now, I realize that this may not last, especially after reading all the other stories here. But I consider these days a gift from God and I'm so very grateful and thoroughly enjoying the time I'm spending with my boyfriend. But I've learned to be cautious and not to assume that this will last. So, while I'm optimistic that perhaps my boyfriend might obtain lasting sobriety, I also have a back-up plan in case this is only short-term reprieve.

I have a plan so that should things change, I will not be afraid to begin a life without him. I am working that plan daily, as I realize even tomorrow the situation could change.

But today, I thank God for what he's given me and I no longer dread what the future may hold. For whatever it holds, I know I will be OK. I can't worry about what the future will bring, I can only live for today. I'm grateful for today. Today I have peace.

needinghhelp

FormerDoormat
Although only w/ my AG for 2.5 years I can relate to this. Her first 5-6 weeks in rehab were amazing, I saw the woman I had fallen in loving with rapidly re-emerging and then 2 weeks later she hit a hard point and is now in worse shape and far deeper into the disease than she has even been prior to rehab despite the fact that she has 65 days sober . . . just Saturday we had a great therapy session, as of yesterday our relationship is over.

You're right, these days are a gift from God, cherish him, cherish every second you have with him, hold and kiss him, hug him as if you may never again and tell him you love him. I will pray that your story has a happier ending than mine has and will hope that soon I can share the optimism and great outlook you have for yourself if all else fails.

On 1 hand it makes me feel good to read all this stuff in my time of despair but on the other it's so sad that so many people are here who have given so much, if only we had managed to find each other in the first place instead of our addicts . . . there is so much pain here but I know that this is just where I need to be.

zoe

Dated AH for 3 yrs in school. Went our different ways. 8 years later started dating again and have been together 16 years married 15.
Today I started my recovery after his rehab and years of continual relapse. Wow I have never thought of it that way until finding this site!
Still hopeing for that wonderful tomorrow but hurting from today.
Zoe