Wanting to save marriage
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: AK
Posts: 143
Wanting to save marriage
I started dateing my AH in 7th grade.At that time without my knowing it he was useing and drinking to excess. We partied together and yes we were in love. I know that sounds strange but that was in the late 1970's.
We split up in high school, he got married at 17 had 2 kids got a divorce at 22 and we reconected. During his marriage he would call me when he and spouse (who I new from school and was friends with) were split up or fighting. He eventually got mad at me because he said I sounded just like his wife. My reaction? " You have two people telling you the same thing, think about that and if you don't like what I have to say stop calling, go home to your wife and talk to her.
Any way after the divorce we started dateing again. He went into rehab 6 mths. into the relationship and we were married 4 mths after rehab.
It has been 15 years of marriage and relapse.
My AH is not physically abusive, he has never lost a job because of drinking or drugs, He is a good father and family man when not drinking, and is generally very kind.
Now for the big problem. AH has put his alcohol and drugs and friends befor his family on numerous occassions.He has broken plans with kids and me so that he could go play with his friends. The kids are past the stage in age now where taking them to the park or carnival would be any fun. Teenagers don't like to do that. I have one 15 year old at home now and he has his own life with friends.
AH works away most of the time and I go to visit him when possible. I to was at the point just last February, I don't care if he drinks. I have had my suspicions over the last year and have not really said anything.
New years eve he called early to tell me Happy New Year and say goodnight because he had to work the next day. My daughter and her boyfriend of 3 months came to watch movies with me and let off fireworks at midnight.
They went into town for sodas and while they were gone the boyfriend got a call, It was 11:45 or so. Quess what!!!! It was my AH. He had called someone to tell them Happy New Year and dialed the wrong #When he realized what he had done he said don't tell anyone I called. The bf didn't tell who but he said he had gotten the call and we played the quessing game until I fiqured it out. I started calling AH cell phone . He did not answer the first 6 times and even turned it off at one point. He finally answered and I asked him why he was slurring his words. Of course it was because he was tired. The next day he called to admit he had been drinking.
The rest has been down hill. I told him he had reach an all time low for getting the bf invovled with his problem. He is also expected to appologize to bf in person not over the phone.
He says he has had 1 or 2 beers on occasion. Is this true? I will never know. He says that he is not an alcoholic. Is this true? He says he is going to be re-evaluated , I will know today if this is going to happen.
He nows that even if he is not an alcoholic the drinking is to stop if we are to put things back together.
I love my H and always have. I believe he loves me and at this point even though I am a basket case I am staying.
I want to be the elderly wife and her H walking hand in hand thru the park. I want a life of happiness. I have been happy and right now i think it is possible with help. I am going to a meeting tonight to better handle the situation I find myself in but at this point I am not leaving.
We split up in high school, he got married at 17 had 2 kids got a divorce at 22 and we reconected. During his marriage he would call me when he and spouse (who I new from school and was friends with) were split up or fighting. He eventually got mad at me because he said I sounded just like his wife. My reaction? " You have two people telling you the same thing, think about that and if you don't like what I have to say stop calling, go home to your wife and talk to her.
Any way after the divorce we started dateing again. He went into rehab 6 mths. into the relationship and we were married 4 mths after rehab.
It has been 15 years of marriage and relapse.
My AH is not physically abusive, he has never lost a job because of drinking or drugs, He is a good father and family man when not drinking, and is generally very kind.
Now for the big problem. AH has put his alcohol and drugs and friends befor his family on numerous occassions.He has broken plans with kids and me so that he could go play with his friends. The kids are past the stage in age now where taking them to the park or carnival would be any fun. Teenagers don't like to do that. I have one 15 year old at home now and he has his own life with friends.
AH works away most of the time and I go to visit him when possible. I to was at the point just last February, I don't care if he drinks. I have had my suspicions over the last year and have not really said anything.
New years eve he called early to tell me Happy New Year and say goodnight because he had to work the next day. My daughter and her boyfriend of 3 months came to watch movies with me and let off fireworks at midnight.
They went into town for sodas and while they were gone the boyfriend got a call, It was 11:45 or so. Quess what!!!! It was my AH. He had called someone to tell them Happy New Year and dialed the wrong #When he realized what he had done he said don't tell anyone I called. The bf didn't tell who but he said he had gotten the call and we played the quessing game until I fiqured it out. I started calling AH cell phone . He did not answer the first 6 times and even turned it off at one point. He finally answered and I asked him why he was slurring his words. Of course it was because he was tired. The next day he called to admit he had been drinking.
The rest has been down hill. I told him he had reach an all time low for getting the bf invovled with his problem. He is also expected to appologize to bf in person not over the phone.
He says he has had 1 or 2 beers on occasion. Is this true? I will never know. He says that he is not an alcoholic. Is this true? He says he is going to be re-evaluated , I will know today if this is going to happen.
He nows that even if he is not an alcoholic the drinking is to stop if we are to put things back together.
I love my H and always have. I believe he loves me and at this point even though I am a basket case I am staying.
I want to be the elderly wife and her H walking hand in hand thru the park. I want a life of happiness. I have been happy and right now i think it is possible with help. I am going to a meeting tonight to better handle the situation I find myself in but at this point I am not leaving.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: to warm for snow
Posts: 8
i want the same thing with my AH. i guess if the AH had cancer or alzteimers it would be different. i would different. my AH has this horrible disease and it's driving me crazy. it's so hard to find compassion. that's why i came here.
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
Zoe--What a mess--you have my sympathy--here are some thoughts takethe ones
that help leave the others. As rarely have 1or2 drinks--when they are drinking they will tell any lie and go to any measure to decieve there mate. As are very selfish--
they think of themselves and there drinks before anyone else. I know you have heard
all of this before and you know it to be true. I'm not suggesting that you should
leave or make any quick decissions I'm just hoping you are thinking about the AH in
a realistic light. We all hope for that day when recovery is the norm and we can walk hand in hand in the sunset. It's a beautiful picture and I hope it happens for you.
Smiles--Dee
that help leave the others. As rarely have 1or2 drinks--when they are drinking they will tell any lie and go to any measure to decieve there mate. As are very selfish--
they think of themselves and there drinks before anyone else. I know you have heard
all of this before and you know it to be true. I'm not suggesting that you should
leave or make any quick decissions I'm just hoping you are thinking about the AH in
a realistic light. We all hope for that day when recovery is the norm and we can walk hand in hand in the sunset. It's a beautiful picture and I hope it happens for you.
Smiles--Dee
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: AK
Posts: 143
Had to take the day to digest that one. I have been sugar coating the lies I think. At the beginning of last year he was staying at a lodge that just happened to have a bar. He called me every night beginning with Hey darlin!! When I arrived at the lodge he was still at work and I had a chance to talk to the people running it. They showed me around and told me if I wanted a drink to go ahead and help myself but to write it down my H tab. I got a little sneaky and asked some questions. Yes he had a couple of beers EVERY NIGHT!!! We had a short calm discussion about it when he arrived. I told him that I would never let him make his drinking my problem again and if it ended in divorce so be it. Any way the hey darlin should have tipped me off. I noticed afterwards he did not begin his conversations like that anymore. Now when I hear hey darlin the antennae goes up and I start listening for other hints.
I still do not know how often he has drank. I called his brother who said he did not think H had a problem. He has only seen him drink on 2 occassions in the last 1.5 yr. and both times he never had more than 2. I do believe the brother, We have had these conversations over the years and my AH has been very angry with brother for telling me the truth. The brother lives in different state so we do not see him very often this is why he does not see the drinking.
Any way I am still reeling from the "As rarely have 1 or 2 drinks" And you are right I have heard it all befor. Feeling as though I really need to go to the meeeting tonight. Like it or not.
Thanks for responding
I still do not know how often he has drank. I called his brother who said he did not think H had a problem. He has only seen him drink on 2 occassions in the last 1.5 yr. and both times he never had more than 2. I do believe the brother, We have had these conversations over the years and my AH has been very angry with brother for telling me the truth. The brother lives in different state so we do not see him very often this is why he does not see the drinking.
Any way I am still reeling from the "As rarely have 1 or 2 drinks" And you are right I have heard it all befor. Feeling as though I really need to go to the meeeting tonight. Like it or not.
Thanks for responding
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
Zoe--glad to hear you are going to a meeting--You are working on your recovery
and that is the best thing for you. Good for you. There are people who stay happily
married to their As I have met them at alanon meetings. The one thing I noticed
is they all work on their own recovery. Smiles--Dee
and that is the best thing for you. Good for you. There are people who stay happily
married to their As I have met them at alanon meetings. The one thing I noticed
is they all work on their own recovery. Smiles--Dee
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: AK
Posts: 143
Wow!!! What a rough day.
Alot to digest all at once although I suppose I was hiding from it in some respects.
Meeting went well and I will give it some time to work. I just wanted to run.
Am emotionally spent so goodnight to all.
Z
Alot to digest all at once although I suppose I was hiding from it in some respects.
Meeting went well and I will give it some time to work. I just wanted to run.
Am emotionally spent so goodnight to all.
Z
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