1212

Hi, I am new here and am looking for advice. I'll give you the whole story:

I was raised by the child of an alcoholic and a manic depressive (lots of raging/dysfunction). There are many alcoholics in my family tree and my grandfather died because of addiction. I learned to cope during childhood by being codependent, and now realize I battled my own mood disorders as well as early age drinking. I always knew I was battling something, but am just now beginning to understand all of this at the age of 34.

Sooo. I ended up marrying an alcoholic and marijuana addict (or should I say drug addict?) who told me he would stop drinking once we were married - - how naive I was, I now realize. He also lied before we were married about sexual relations with other women. I have found out about those lies over the past 12 years of our marriage. I used this to justify my own drinking and codependent behavior for a long time.

For the first 4 years of our marriage I tried many things to get him to stop drinking/using, often calling pot his lover. Eventually I decided if I couldn't beat 'em, join 'em. Long story short, up until a year ago I was drinking 6-12 drinks every day and was drunk every weekend with my drinking buddy husband. This went on for almost 8 years. Drunk Drunk Drunk, makes me sick now to think about it.

A year ago, I checked myself into an emergency room for my alcohol problem, and have been going to AA and Alanon and a therapist ever since. I have been sober for a little over a year now. I was also just diagnosed as bipolar and have started medication for that.

My husband, however, hasn't stopped drinking. He has cut down, but just tonight, after I came home from the gym, he left a note that he was at the bar. He has agreed not to have alcohol in the house when I'm in town and he says he only drinks 3-4 beers on the weekends (unless it's a special occasion in which case he finds a place to crash so he can drink himself into a stupor - - this happens about every 3 months now).

I have been trying to tell him how much his drinking bothers me, and part of me feels like since I know what it's like, I should be patient with him, 12 step him, etc. I'm no angel myself, I know. He thinks he is doing better and that "Things change". He says I used to bug him about pot, and he doesn't do that any more and he threw away his pipe (he does it maybe once a year now). He says I should "Ride the wave" and not take life so seriously.

My big concern is that we both want to have children, but I have told him I have a zero tolerance policy for drinking if we do. I tell him that I have a hard decision to make if he won't get help, stop completely. We are seeing a counselor, are both hurting and our relationship is extremely strained.

My codependent ways get me confused into thinking maybe he doesn't have a problem. Maybe he can cut down to normal levels without a recovery program like I needed. I wonder if I am crazy to think that I can control whether or not my children's father drinks or not... If that is an okay thing to ask for, a valid boundary. I wonder if it's valid for me to want to raise my kids in an environment where both parents are 100% drug and alcohol free and both parents live by example. I know any kids I have are already predisposed to my alcoholism and depression, I just want to do my best by them.

They say not to make any big changes in the 1st year of sobriety and I haven't. I've been thinking about separating, have financial resources (it would just be a logistical mess) but don't know what to do. I can't control his drinking, I now that now because of Alanon. But since he isn't drinking every night anymore I get confused.

I would love to hear your thoughts.

Live

Having children is the biggest decision!!!

Welcome to SR, there are lots of great people here with tremendous experience, strength and hope.

Maybe you might want to read around and get a feel for other people's experience in having families and children in an alcoholic home. Also, at the top of every forum are power posts and stickies, these contain a wealth of information.

Keep coming back, you will have lots of new friends to talk this over with.

live

ahcb

1212,

You cannot,as you know control his drinking. I am sorry but to me bringing a child into this picture just complicates even more. aj

Ann

Even if he tells you he will stop drinking if you have children, that is a promise he may not be able to keep.

You need to decide if you feel ready to be a good parent to a child who may have an emotionally unavailable father who is an alcoholic.

Please give this a lot of thought. If you want children, perhaps another time and another partner might be the answer. Only you can decide.

Hugs
Ann

MysticCat

Please dont illusion yourself into thinking that having children will wake him up and make him responsible. Me, two children later (only 17 mos apart) and my A is still drinking, going to the bar, blah, blah. Only now, he is emotionallly unavailable to them as well as me. It is so heart breaking to see a young child (1 and 2) talk to thier father who absolutely ignores them. SERIOUSLY think on your decision to have children with this man or any alcoholic/addict.

Blessings,
MysticCat

Dee at Mt Bully

Don't think this is the right enviroment to start a family--I tend to think you are minimizing his problem. You already know how hard it has been to get your own life on the right track so would you wnat a child to go through that? Keep reading and
asking there are a lot of good folks here with lots of smarts. Smiles--Dee

FormerDoormat

You can absolutely control it, if you choose to have children with a different partner--one who's not an alcoholic to put it bluntly.

Having children is a huge responsibility. It's hard enough raising them with two healthy parents. It's even more difficult raising them with just one healthy parent. But it's next to impossible to raise them when your partner and has checked out of the real world....Having children with an active alcoholic will multiply your problems and have life-long impact on your future children.

wraybear

My AH went to rehab after our first child 8 years ago. He went back some years later after our 2nd child. He's been in rehab two other times. Now he is not just an alcoholic, but a narcotics addict too.

Having a child, in his mind, may put more stress in the home, which will give him an excuse to drink.

Please don't do this to a child. A baby will not make an addict get sober, period. It could make his addiction worse. You and your baby may end up alone - without an available husband and father. Do you really want that for your future baby?

StandingStrong

You were raised by an alcoholic and yet you ask if you think you should have a child with an alcoholic. I find that interesting. Most people I know say that they want better for their children than what they had, they say they won't be the same kind of parent their own parents were. And while that may be true for YOU, you are forgetting about the potential father of this potential child. Is this truly the environment you'd like to raise a child in? Is this the kind of father/husband you'd like to raise a child with?
I didn't realize that my Ah was an alcoholic when I married him. I had no way of knowing how my life would be with him or how it would effect my children. My children deserved much much better! And I would think that any child would.
If you choose to have a child with this man....you better make darn sure you are prepared for the worst-case scenario. Addictions are a progressive disease and it could get a whole lot worse before it gets better. (If it gets better)