rara

I am married to a 57 yr-old (3 and a half years, he is a widower). I am 47. The stepfamily thing is a whole other story, so I really married into a bad situation. I did not realize he was an A until we married as we only dated one year. The drinking has gotten much worse in the last 18 months or so. I also now know that this goes back a long time and it seems most of his family are also A's. We dated such a short time that when we married I was in shock at what I married into, and yes, I was very foolish. We had some happy times for a while-- until the drinking got really bad. Anyway, in late 2003 we moved to a seaside area about 75+ miles from the city. This house was purchased after his late wife died and his adult children (30, 28, 22) still have bedrooms here which he still won't change. When we moved, it was with the understanding that we would also have an apartment near the city, which we furnished nicely and were happy about. I thought this was fine at the time.

A few months later, my A suddenly decided he hated the apartment and wanted nothing to do with the city if he could help it, just wanted to be in the other house, which is fairly isolated and a 1.5-2 hour drive to friends, family, etc. I couldn't believe it, especially since he has a business in the city (he's semi-retired, reluctantly drives up a few times a month). I did not want to give up the apartment at all, but he was dead set and very angry at my reaction. He doesn't seem to understand that I don't want to be isolated from my family and friends and live with the daily drinking. He starts late afternoon until bedtime, and now gets up for good in the middle of the night because he can't sleep. He looks awful and is deteriorating physically and mentally.

I have become afraid of his temper over time even though there is no physical abuse. The more he drinks the more angry and verbally abusive he can be. Everyone else thinks he's wonderful. Drinking has now become the center of his life and he wants less and less to do outside this area. His family visits (another story) and he is like the big leader in the family, plus he employs a few of them. No one says a word about his drinking and it's accepted and even encouraged. I am appalled at all of them, and they don't have to live with him. I am the bad guy. I go to Al-Anon, but lately I feel hopeless. He denies the problem and becomes enraged if I bring it up. I am accused of being judgemental and controlling. Sometimes I guess I am. I don't know how to be all that Al Anon teaches all the time. I do pretty well detaching a lot, but sometimes I AM angry and disgusted and judgemental. How can I not be? He insists he will never stop, and it sure looks that way. I think I am interfering with his drinking and that's really the whole thing. I get so tired of trying to be heard and respected in the marriage, and things change constantly--blackouts I guess.

We don't do much outside the house now as a couple. I drive to see people and do things quite often, and now realize I have to get a job in the city rather than near here with a ridiculous commute (at least 3-4 hours a day), because I need the money and my sanity. We were supposed to have the apartment, so having to work in the city will be miserable as far as distance and stress since I don't WANT to live here full time. At least I will be away from the drinking during the very long days I'll be working in the city. At this point I've told most of my family and friends how bad things are because I need the support, but I feel so isolated and lonely because although they are supportive, no one knows what to say or do and I don't really want to talk about it too much. I don't blame them for not knowing what to say or do.

I feel I have even lost a couple of friends because I isolate myself because I don't want to talk about it and I don't want people to feel sorry for me. Then I feel more lonely and isolated. Yes, I want to leave but I can't do it financially until I get work near the city. Even then I will not be in good shape. Living with an active A can be like hell, as we all know. But no one else understands at all. I'd like to know how you all deal with the isolation and loneliness? Have you lost friends? I am terrified of leaving but I feel like I almost give up as far as my A stopping...Al Anon or not. I need to continue to work on myself, but the isolation is so hard. Thanks!!!!!!

wraybear

I am so sorry. What a horrible situation you are in. Is there any way at all that you can get an apartment in the city? Have you told him that was an agreement you had before you got married and that you really MISS the city? And it is depressing for you to be "out" there without friends/family?

Yes, there have been many times throughout my marriage where I was isolated, most of it because I isolated myself. i was too wrapped up in him and his problems, and then would get depressed, and didn't want to meet with my friends or go to after-work functions. Fortunately, I still see 3 of my high school friends (30 years we've been together) once a month, and these good friends have helped me keep my sanity. One of them is a child of an alcoholic, one is a social worker, so she has seen it all, and one is a nurse, who has a brother that just recently died at the young age of 42 of liver failure due to alcoholism. So, i would highly suggest you continue reading as much as you can about this horrible addiction and get educated and then you can make an informed decision as to what would be best for you. Alcoholism is progressive and so is abuse. They both get worse if untreated. And, i am being very blunt, it sounds as if he is no where near a place where he thinks he has a problem. So you MUST take care of yourself. I am sorry your marriage is not all that you had hoped. Probably all of us feel that way. ADDICTION IS HORRIBLE!
I wish you the best and hope you can find peace with whatever you decide to do.

Live

hi, welcome, you will find lots of friends here, and isolation seems to be something alot of us do, and yes we lose friends, and others don't understand.
And yes, it sounds like you are dealing with two separate and progressively worse problems addiction and abuse and they both get worse.
This is a great place for both information, support and friendship, I hope you keep coming back!
At the top of each forum are power posts or stickies, you will find much of value there!
And above all, you are not alone!
Welcome,
live

bacchaeD

I'm so sorry for this situation that you are in..
he's isolating you..
and it's getting worse..

have you considered an apartment for you??
he might feel...that if you had the apartment.. that you could leave.. and that is unexceptable to him..

you don't deserve to be treated this way. in away I think the others are letting you be the sacrificial lamb so to speak.. they don't have to live with him.. you do .. so it doesn't hurt them to encourage his drinking.. they don't have to deal with it at all..

I have lost friends.. my spouse is so irritating when he's drunk.. and when it happens..time and time again.. and my friends just look at me and think.. why on earth are you with him!! and how come you don't just leave.. etc..

and I get embarrassed..if I make new friends.. I don't want to invite them over! I don't want them to see him .. or hear him!!

I wish I could go back in time.. and get out before I got in so dang deep.
now we have a child together.. I gave up my career to be a stay at home mom..and we moved..and I lost contact with so many people/jobs etc..
and now..???
I feel trapped.. no skills, no money.. nothing my own.

ok, on the upside.. he's totaly drunk..and trying to figure out the stereo.. and in away it's slightly amusing because.. well.. he's drunk and can't figure it out.. ugh.. pathetic.
if this wasn't live I'd be laughing.. but nope..not a citcom.. this is actually my life.. charming.

don't get isolated!!! please keep your friends. your contacts.. get that job.. get an apartment.. make sure you have your life.
wish I'd have thought of that eleven years ago

Zoey

rara...Welcome to SR, this site is great.
I have another suggestion , because of long drive to work. How about a room for the week. (That is if your job is 8AM to 5PM five days a week.)
Maybe that wld not look like such a permenent move to him, and wld make life easier for getting to work. give you time to think, and maybe even give him time to think.
Then be home for days off to do laundry etc. Or a furnished studio apt. and go back on days off. Just a thought. Space and thinking time, and time to save money, feel secure in your job., take time finding right apt etc.
I feel you want out, I am thinking a slow process might defuse any anger, and instant protests. This is not advise , just suggestion.
Wanting the Best for you always Thelma

ahcb

Sounds like the trailer to a scary movie

Bobb B.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Dee at Mt Bully

Your story could be my story--I had a nice home on 6 acres but you could actually
see some neighbors so my husband nagged and complained untill he wore me down--
so now I live in a fixer upper on 25 acres where you can't even see another house.
It sucks. It takes me an hour and 15-30min. to get to my DR. and my closest friend.
My thinking is that As become intolorant of other people especially if they don't drink.
I can see my AH staying up here on this hill in the woods and just drinking himself stupid. My plan is to get out of here even if I have to rent a room.--This is a really
good place to come. I can't say how much I look forward to reading and writing here.
It has given me a voice. I think you will find some good advice here and feel less
isolated. Smiles--Dee

rara

Hello to all the wonderful people who replied to my first post! I am very touched. I want to reply to each person individually when I have more time, hopefully tomorrow night... In the meantime I just want to say thank you all and it really helped!! I am so glad I found this forum!!! And for now, I must say that despite what I said, my husband really is a very, very good man underneath it all. He is still good to me in many ways, but obviously that doesn't seem apparent and it is relative. When I met and married him, I was so happy, as was everyone else. We had such a happy, beautiful courtship and wedding. I hadn't
spent much time with his family, and he never once got drunk until the wedding, although I should have seen... He is like an entirely different person now, like a shadow, and I don't know if I will ever find him again. I do still love him, but as you all know the addiction has a way of ruining love. It is so, so sad for HIM also. That breaks my heart and makes me so very, deeply sad even as I write this.

I will write to everyone soon. Please check back. Thank you!!!!!

JessicaNAJ

I have to agree with bacchaeD.

Underneath it all, all of our AH's are very, very good men. But the alcohol moves in and takes over and that person is buried and lost underneath it all. As you know, Alcoholism is a progressive desease and if he's not getting help for himself, it will only get worse.

Keep coming back, we are here for you.

Dee at Mt Bully

For a few years my AH was the sweetest kindest man I had ever known. Alcohol
really takes it's toll--after awhile the guy I married just dissappered and the guy that is left is self centered motivated by his own needs and the list goes on. Any way we
all know this story. Talk to you again soon--Smiles--Dee

rara

Thanks so much!!

rara

Yes, I am so grateful to find this haven. You're right, I am dealing with both alcoholism and abuse. I told myself today that I am going to tell him when he's sober (about half the time if I am lucky) that I will not put up with such disrespect and meanness...I do it to a certain degree, as I did today, but I am so afraid of his anger, or at least how awful it makes me feel, so anxious and jumpy and furious, that I normally just try and remove myself from the situation. I spend a lot of time on my own and I think he feels abandoned and gets mad, but I don't care anymore.

I stlll need to figure out what you said about power posts, etc. and my last reply was in the wrong font, so I will work on it! Thank you for your reply.

rara

*******

Yes, I do want out. But I don't. And you're right about a slow process and defusing anger. I keep hoping for a miracle, but really what I hope for is to have enough of a life of my own that maybe he will see the light, or, if not, at least I will have a better life, and will leave if this continues to worsen after I am more on my own. Which it probably will.*****

rara

**********

Thanks a lot. That is depressing. But I will keep my sense of humor.

rara

*********

Yes, that is true. Doubt it will change. A tiny glimmer of hope.

rara

*************

Hi Dee--Well, I can see houses but there ain't a lot going on here in the winter. More elderly than others in the winter. So I feel like a young kid, but in this case that doesn't feel good! I believe what you say is true. He doesn't like to be around people too much if they don't drink. He doesn't want to meet new people. He prefers his family, and they happily ply him with scotch, and I think he drinks 2-3 times as much when he's with them. His brother came to visit today. I was out and returned about 3 PM. They were well on the way. Then his brother drives home. My husband has driven when he shouldn't. I find myself wishing he'd get a OUI as long as no one was hurt. He's be totally mortified at that.

I'm at the point where I rarely drink because it makes me ill looking at it. The worst sound in the world to me is the refrigerator ice machine, getting the ice for the scotch. I hate it. I also see my AH here (in a seaside area, where he hardly goes to the beach!) slowly or maybe quickly drinking himself to death. From my perspective, that looks likely. I used to get so scared and nervous over it, but not anymore. I love him, I certainly don't want him to die, but what else is there at the end of the road? I have tried to have empathy lately, but it just makes me sick. It is a horrible,miserable, insane life. I thank God I am not addicted. But I know I am sick along with him.

Thanks and I am happy to be here! I think it will help!

***************

rara

**********
Hi Jessica,

I think I keep hoping he'll come back, because there are hours and days when he is like his old self, but they don't last. A couple of months ago, he stopped drinking for almost 3 days. This has NEVER happened. Believe it or not, I was so excited I was almost hyperventilating. I called my mother. I said, "Well, he has never done this! This must mean something!" She was also excited. So foolish. But for those 3 days, he was like my husband, the one I married. It was truly wonderful. Then, of course, it started up again and that was it. He told me he only did it to see if he felt differently because of a health issue (no sense). He angrily told me that he would never stop drinking, so don't think it will happen. I was completely crushed, devastated, wilted after that experience. I learned a hard lesson.

He is obvioulsy not getting help and if anything, he seems quite proud of his drinking. He told me that NO ONE has ever told him he drank too much, only me. So that was that. I don't bring it up, but he knows I hate it.

Thanks again!

************

minnie

rara

Welcome!!

Well, hard though it is, he's told you what the score is. In some ways, that's more straightforward than when they promise you all the time that they will stop, only to be continually disappointed. Now it's up to you to decide whether you can live with it. Al-anon can help, as can coming here. A lot of people do manage to live happily even though their partner is drinking. Others can't.

I know it isn't easy, hon. But we're with you every step of the way, you can count on that.

Love

Minnie
xxx

Dee at Mt Bully

Minn's right we are here for the long walk through this mess helping each other.
It's a great family.

"Your joy is you sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well form which your laughter rises was
offtimes filled with you tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being,
the more joy you can contain." Kahlil Gibran

Smiles--Dee