ellima01

I know this is probably dumb to even talk about on here- but here goes. My AH is drinking again x 1 week. I am a full time college student and I recieved $1800.00 today from a residual check. I will used 500 or so for books and with the rest I have (BEEN PLANNING FOR MONTHES) to use to remodel our (very yucky) bathroom- new sink, floor and all. It will probably take all the rest- but I reaaly want and need this. My AH gets my check out of the mail today and asks me how much I am going to spend- I say, all of it I am sure. He is pissed because he (now) doesn't want me to spend that kind of $ on a bathroom. He says we have bills ect and he thinks he should dictate where the $ goes. I want this room redone- should I tell him from the get go- look, I'm doing it and that's it? I just don't want to fight with him over it. I always give in when he nags enough- what should I do?

Ann

Ellima

Where does the money usually go when you get a check like that?

I think it would be nice to use it as you please. If it is needed to cover bills, then maybe his request is fair. If it's not going toward bills, or will be used for his drinking, then spend away girl.

Hugs
Ann

ellima01

I am trying to be fair- we probably could use the $ for bills- but I pay 90% of the bills always. I never have even 5 dollars left after my check to get anything. He is working (some) and is helping (some) but I think I deserve some thing too. Last weeks check he stole $140 that I had designated for our cell bills- so I told him he's have to pay it or it wouldn't get paid- well, he did.
Now he says "well I paid the cell phone bill this month"- well, yeah, because he SPENT the bill money on whiskey and God knows what else. He does buy groceries some and puts gas in the car- but I pay everything else. I think I deserve this remodel- I mean, HE doesn't have to pay for it- and this is money I will have to pay back- I don't think I am being unfair.

wraybear

i would write a list of income/bills for the past several months like this...

Under him/her write how much $ was paid by him/her

................... October November December
................... Him Her Him Her Him Her

total income

gas
electric
water
rent
groceries
car insurance
cell
medical insurance
etc.

Then I would figure a percentage. If you brought in $2000 and he brought in $1500, you bring in 57% and he brings in 43% of your combined income (2000 divided by 3500) Then do the same calculation for your bills. Of course, being married, we want to be able to not think along these lines of hers/his, but when living with an addict, we must do so, especially regarding finances. In a LOGICAL world, you should pay 57% of the bills. Of course, his booze money should NOT be included in the monthly bills. Your nail or pedicure bills should not be included. But, food, some joint entertainment, if you have a date night, etc. is okay to include. If either of you have a type of job where you have to buy special clothing, that SHOULD be included. If you have to wear "business appropriate" attire, that needs to be part of the budget.

Of course, you could say "honey, I have been going over the bills, and I really believe that I have contributed quite a bit to the household bills lately and I really want to spend this extra money on the bathroom - it would REALLY make me very happy"

You don't have to say "you haven't been contributing your share" etc.

One of my teenagers, when she was about 13, seemed to think money grew on trees, and didn't feel she was getting as much money from me as she deserved, so I built a spreadsheet, like the above, of course I did it on the computer KNOWING she would see it, it ended up that her "worth" came to $950+ a month (I split all the bills in 5th's because there were 5 of us) I NEVER heard another word from her about money.

Sometimes we need to remember, if our addicts have been addicts since they were teens or early 20's, their minds are still like that teen, and they haven't matured so sometimes they need us to explain things in a very logical, yet simple way so they can comprehend the situation.

Of course, I have an analytical mind, which I am sure you have probably figured out already!

Good luck. Whatever you choose to do, i hope you are happy with the outcome.

Live

oooooo, I like that!!!!! You are a smart cookie!!!!

wraybear

PS, this is NOT dumb.

Finances are a major part of life, and finances in the lives of a family with an addict, can be painful. I am 44 and I have wanted to redo my bathtub for years. Of course, my AH isn't bothered by the 55 year old tub, with the mold/mildew problem that won't go away. So, I have stopped "blaming" him for me not having a decent tub, and as soon as I can, if I don't sell this house first, I am getting a new tub.

So, this post is not dumb!