Life or Death Situation For My Dad, HELP
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Waukegan, IL
Posts: 2
Life or Death Situation For My Dad, HELP
Hello all, I apologize in advance, but this may end up a bit lengthy.
I am very new to the fact that I am a ACoA, and in desperate need of advice. Until recently, I did not realize that my 54 year old father was an alcoholic. He was not a "closet drinker" - as long as I can remember my dad always had a beer in hand, but never appeared drunk, was not abusive, did not go out to bars, and we grew up with a very happy and loving family environment. It never seemed to be a problem - until it affected his health.
Dad walked around for quite some time with complaints of back pain & constipation. We finally talked him into admitting himself to the hospital, rather than a series of outpatient tests back in August. To try and vaguely sum this up, by the time he was released in October he had 3 procedures/surgeries, and just a few of the diagnosis' were: Cirhosis, Chronic Pancreatitis, Perforated (dead) Bowel, Peritonitis, Severe Malnutrition, Internal Gangrene (from the bowel), and was Septic. He was only given a 30% chance of recovery. By some miracle of God, he was eventually sent home and was slowly recovering, although mentally, I don't think he'll ever be the same.
Now for the problem. Five days before Christmas, I caught him drinking. EVERY doctor in that hospital told him that one drop of alcohol would be enough to kill him. At this point, I am resigned to believe that this disease can not be controlled by him, and that I should just be grateful for each day I have with him. My husband feels otherwise. He thinks that we have not done enough to help him, and there has to be something left we can do.
My mom has been dealing with this for much longer than I have. A few years ago blood tests showed his liver was not so great. He'd cut back on drinking, and the enzymes would go down again. Mom saw the problem a long time ago, and wanted him to quit then - unfortunately, I believe this is when he began hiding his drinking, and switched from beer to a heavier alcohol. She has tried counseling with him, AA, family has talked with him, my 9 year old has even spoke up (she used to mean the world to my dad) - all to no avail. For those of you that have had more experience than me, is there anything else left we can do for him?
Heather
I am very new to the fact that I am a ACoA, and in desperate need of advice. Until recently, I did not realize that my 54 year old father was an alcoholic. He was not a "closet drinker" - as long as I can remember my dad always had a beer in hand, but never appeared drunk, was not abusive, did not go out to bars, and we grew up with a very happy and loving family environment. It never seemed to be a problem - until it affected his health.
Dad walked around for quite some time with complaints of back pain & constipation. We finally talked him into admitting himself to the hospital, rather than a series of outpatient tests back in August. To try and vaguely sum this up, by the time he was released in October he had 3 procedures/surgeries, and just a few of the diagnosis' were: Cirhosis, Chronic Pancreatitis, Perforated (dead) Bowel, Peritonitis, Severe Malnutrition, Internal Gangrene (from the bowel), and was Septic. He was only given a 30% chance of recovery. By some miracle of God, he was eventually sent home and was slowly recovering, although mentally, I don't think he'll ever be the same.
Now for the problem. Five days before Christmas, I caught him drinking. EVERY doctor in that hospital told him that one drop of alcohol would be enough to kill him. At this point, I am resigned to believe that this disease can not be controlled by him, and that I should just be grateful for each day I have with him. My husband feels otherwise. He thinks that we have not done enough to help him, and there has to be something left we can do.
My mom has been dealing with this for much longer than I have. A few years ago blood tests showed his liver was not so great. He'd cut back on drinking, and the enzymes would go down again. Mom saw the problem a long time ago, and wanted him to quit then - unfortunately, I believe this is when he began hiding his drinking, and switched from beer to a heavier alcohol. She has tried counseling with him, AA, family has talked with him, my 9 year old has even spoke up (she used to mean the world to my dad) - all to no avail. For those of you that have had more experience than me, is there anything else left we can do for him?
Heather
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 16
hugs feenecgirl,
Love him, Remember th 3 C's, You cannot control this, you cannot cure this and you did not cause this...Other then telling him how you feel ultimately like everything else it is his choice, if he wants to drink even though it has very grim concequences, he will find a way to do it. I'm sorry. Considering you had a good childhood, you were blessed, and he loved you enough not to make it your problem too. I have a friend who can do that, I have never seen him drunk, but he drinks from the time he gets up in the morning until the time he goes to bed at night, always a beer in his hand, the man hasn't got a mean bone in his body. He's unfourtunetly for the rest of us the only person I've known that was able to do it, until I heard it from you. Maybe your dad feels he is ready to die & it is his time. Just keep reassuring him that you and your child still need him there. I'm not sure what else will help. Sorry I couldn't give you better advice, wish I had a magic wand!!
~SKI
Love him, Remember th 3 C's, You cannot control this, you cannot cure this and you did not cause this...Other then telling him how you feel ultimately like everything else it is his choice, if he wants to drink even though it has very grim concequences, he will find a way to do it. I'm sorry. Considering you had a good childhood, you were blessed, and he loved you enough not to make it your problem too. I have a friend who can do that, I have never seen him drunk, but he drinks from the time he gets up in the morning until the time he goes to bed at night, always a beer in his hand, the man hasn't got a mean bone in his body. He's unfourtunetly for the rest of us the only person I've known that was able to do it, until I heard it from you. Maybe your dad feels he is ready to die & it is his time. Just keep reassuring him that you and your child still need him there. I'm not sure what else will help. Sorry I couldn't give you better advice, wish I had a magic wand!!
~SKI
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Waukegan, IL
Posts: 2
Thank you so much for your reply SKI. I appreciate your kind words, for they have made me confront my feelings, and helped to open conversations between my family members and I.
In the beginning, I was angry. Not so much for the abuse of alcohol, but for his stubborness in refusing to get help earlier for his "back pain". When I saw him in such excruciating pain in the hospital, I prayed for him to die then, if he was not going to get better. When it seemed he might get better, I prayed for him to come home. Then I decided to stop being selfish - now all I pray for is understanding. I want to understand that this is really not his fault. His father was an alcoholic, his dad's dad was an alcoholic. I want to understand that he never intentially hurt us. I want to understand why my daughter, will never get to experience the same relationship I once had with her "pap pap".
SKI, I really hope your friend gets help before his family has to go through something like this. It really has taken a toll on my family, and I myself, am going to the doctor tomorow to start on anti-depressents. I find that I don't like leaving my house unless I have to, there's a lot of days that I will avoid calls from family and friends, I'm losing a lot of self confidence, lack of energy, etc. etc. etc.
Anyway, thanks again - I have been repeating the 3 C's over and over again to myself.
In the beginning, I was angry. Not so much for the abuse of alcohol, but for his stubborness in refusing to get help earlier for his "back pain". When I saw him in such excruciating pain in the hospital, I prayed for him to die then, if he was not going to get better. When it seemed he might get better, I prayed for him to come home. Then I decided to stop being selfish - now all I pray for is understanding. I want to understand that this is really not his fault. His father was an alcoholic, his dad's dad was an alcoholic. I want to understand that he never intentially hurt us. I want to understand why my daughter, will never get to experience the same relationship I once had with her "pap pap".
SKI, I really hope your friend gets help before his family has to go through something like this. It really has taken a toll on my family, and I myself, am going to the doctor tomorow to start on anti-depressents. I find that I don't like leaving my house unless I have to, there's a lot of days that I will avoid calls from family and friends, I'm losing a lot of self confidence, lack of energy, etc. etc. etc.
Anyway, thanks again - I have been repeating the 3 C's over and over again to myself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 16
Hi Heather,
I'm glad I could be of some help. I do not have the most expertise but I can share what I have learned here. As far as I know, your sadness, wanting to hide and not talk to anyone is very normal for ACOA's. I have felt that way numerous times in my life.
Get the book Codependant no more by Melody Beattie, it's a life saver. The Addicts/alcoholics in my life are my husband, my Mother and my brother. I know how hurtful it can be. Also keep posting, and keep us informed, go to a face to face Alanon meeting, there could be someone there who has experienced this same thing and could give you additional support....
Take Care,
~SKI
I'm glad I could be of some help. I do not have the most expertise but I can share what I have learned here. As far as I know, your sadness, wanting to hide and not talk to anyone is very normal for ACOA's. I have felt that way numerous times in my life.
Get the book Codependant no more by Melody Beattie, it's a life saver. The Addicts/alcoholics in my life are my husband, my Mother and my brother. I know how hurtful it can be. Also keep posting, and keep us informed, go to a face to face Alanon meeting, there could be someone there who has experienced this same thing and could give you additional support....
Take Care,
~SKI
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Heather,
I am not a big believer in interventions, but when done correctly and professionally they can work. This is a situation that could warrant just that. This is no longer about drinking, your father is killing himself with alcohol. Humbly I suggest that he be told clearly how you all feel about it.
If there is something left to try, I usually try it. That way I am not left wishing I had done more later. Once tried...I have no choice but to let it go.
http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/info2/a/aa100897.htm
((((Hugs)))
JT
I am not a big believer in interventions, but when done correctly and professionally they can work. This is a situation that could warrant just that. This is no longer about drinking, your father is killing himself with alcohol. Humbly I suggest that he be told clearly how you all feel about it.
If there is something left to try, I usually try it. That way I am not left wishing I had done more later. Once tried...I have no choice but to let it go.
http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/info2/a/aa100897.htm
((((Hugs)))
JT
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 14
I am in the beginnings of the same position you are in. My mom is in the hospital with alcholic liver cirhosis and she also has ammonia in her brain. Her husband (who I can't stand) drinks too. How will she stop drinking, if it is not too late, with him drinking? I don't think he will stop - I don't even know if she will. I think everyday to myself if there is anything I can do - and there isn't. I think about talking to her or to him - but in the end - it is up to them no matter what I said. I feel sad for her that she let this disease take such control over her. I know she hates it and wants out. I am very sad today and I know how you feel. Take care of yourself - Lolobug
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
fennecgirl - i too know what you feel. my ah is now in the hospital yet another time for alcohol withdrawal seizures. he has probably lost 45 lbs. in the past year (and believe me, he didn't need to). yet he keeps going back to drinking. i am also an acoa altho my mom is not alive. i just want to offer my prayers to you in your time of pain - i feel it!
hugs - cwohio
hugs - cwohio
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 3
Thanks
I am new to the forum but am dealing with the same pain. My father is an alcoholic and will not seek any help. My family has stepped in and now he will not speak to me. I am so glad to have found the support I need on the internet. My father drinks all day, and is now coming to work drunk. All I can say is hang in there, you are so lucky to have him in your life.
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
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((((((hugs)))))) to you all,
I grieve for what you are going through and send all my care and support your way.
I remember this. Before my dad died. He died from throat cancer, from a mix of drinking alcohol and smoking for 20+ years. I thought he would get sober some day. I didn't realize how DETERMINED he was to die in his addiction. Some are. Some get sober.
But there was hope for me. I survived with my sanity intact....with my Higher Power and the 12 step program/acoa.
I love reading about how you guys are taking the necessary steps to care for yourself, even if the alcoholic doesn't do that for him/her self. How could someone make the choice to die? It boggles the mind. But that is what they are doing when the disease takes full control.
It seems cruel to take care of ones self when the A is dying....but it isn't. Accepting reality and letting go of what we WISH would happen is not cruel. You guys are doing great....Just take it one day at a time...It is more than o.k. to feel. You can't be "strong" when a parent you love is dying...I know....I tried...if I had been strong...I would have never found ACOA.
I grieve for what you are going through and send all my care and support your way.
I remember this. Before my dad died. He died from throat cancer, from a mix of drinking alcohol and smoking for 20+ years. I thought he would get sober some day. I didn't realize how DETERMINED he was to die in his addiction. Some are. Some get sober.
But there was hope for me. I survived with my sanity intact....with my Higher Power and the 12 step program/acoa.
I love reading about how you guys are taking the necessary steps to care for yourself, even if the alcoholic doesn't do that for him/her self. How could someone make the choice to die? It boggles the mind. But that is what they are doing when the disease takes full control.
It seems cruel to take care of ones self when the A is dying....but it isn't. Accepting reality and letting go of what we WISH would happen is not cruel. You guys are doing great....Just take it one day at a time...It is more than o.k. to feel. You can't be "strong" when a parent you love is dying...I know....I tried...if I had been strong...I would have never found ACOA.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: cincinnati ohio
Posts: 5
It's soooo good that you are seeking advice/help from others. Please take care of yourself- you can control your actions but certainly, and never, his. He may not make it, but you must and you will. Peace to you Heather.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
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You know, I am the firm believer that I should mind my own business when it comes to the alcoholic. However, when it is such a dire and serious issue of life and death, then I have to agree with JT. Interventions can work and can save a life.
It would be difficult, but if he got cleaned up and had a positive environment, and had something to look forward to, he might just let go of the alcohol.
I do hope things work out for you all. I know it's hard on you.
It would be difficult, but if he got cleaned up and had a positive environment, and had something to look forward to, he might just let go of the alcohol.
I do hope things work out for you all. I know it's hard on you.
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