This isn't easy for me, but I need some help an advice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: somewhere, us
Posts: 4
This isn't easy for me, but I need some help an advice.
I can't try to fix things on my own anymore, nothing I've done has worked. But my husband (married 5 years) is an alcoholic. He doesn't think he is an alcoholic but he is. I just found another empty bottle of listerine under the sink when I know I bought it only last week. I don't even know why he drinks the freaking listerine to begin with, he's had actual liquor to drink every day for the past week too. Except saturday, he ran out and I refused to go buy him more, he could have drank it then I don't know. Anyway, he is in the army and I've tried to get help for him through his commanding officers, had them here one saturday morning while he was passed out to look at the computer moniter he had smashed with an ax because he got pissed at me for trying to wake him up and get him to bed before the girls got up and saw him passed out. Only thing that did was get him put into the asap program (which he drank the whole time he was in it, why they didn't test, I don't know) but THEY told him when he finished the program that he wasn't an alcoholic. I'm like DUH, he knows how to lie and what NOT to say that makes him look NOT like an alcoholic. I'm shaking right now typing this out, I HATE THAT, I can't talk about him and this without shaking and crying and blubbering like an idiot. Anyway he "passed" the program and drinks the same as before. WE tried councelling but the psycologist my husband manipulated to make it look like I'm the one with the problem because the asap program agreed he isn't an alcoholic. I have the problem so it became about me needing to be fixed. Everyone drinks, He's a soldier he has stress, he needs to unwind. I need to learn how to cope with it. But I swear to god he is an alcoholic it's NOT just me being paranoid.
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This made perfect sense........Welcome to SR.........there are alot of great people here that I am sure will be here soon to let you know that you are not alone............
Alcoholics are very good at manupilating others...........
Try locating an Alanon meeting in your area.............the one thing that I do know, you cant fix everything..........the only thing that you can work on is yourself.............because you are only in control of your own actions. There is a great book from Melody Beattie.....called Co-dependent no more..........excellent reading.......there is also great sticky posts at the top............read, read, read and know that you are not alone.
Alcoholics are very good at manupilating others...........
Try locating an Alanon meeting in your area.............the one thing that I do know, you cant fix everything..........the only thing that you can work on is yourself.............because you are only in control of your own actions. There is a great book from Melody Beattie.....called Co-dependent no more..........excellent reading.......there is also great sticky posts at the top............read, read, read and know that you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
confuzzled - believe me you are not alone! a's are sooooo good at making us feel like WE are the ones with the problem, not them. like gracey suggested - read, read, read here and other folks here will probably suggest some other reading material. al-anon is a big help.
you are amongst friends here that know where you are coming from! come back often and share as we all do!
hugs - cwohio
you are amongst friends here that know where you are coming from! come back often and share as we all do!
hugs - cwohio
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: somewhere, us
Posts: 4
Thank you, I've thought about alanon but there are none near me and I can't go without him knowing it. He always has our car (MY car) but his truck "broke" and he has to use mine all the time now because he doesn't want to fix his. I'm always stuck at home now. I've tried talking to my other friends but they are tired of hearing about it and they just want me to leave him. I don't want to leave him, if I did, I would. He wasn't always like this. I just need a place where I can vent and learn and not feel like a complete loser for trying to talk about something that bothers me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Alberta
Posts: 38
Your post makes TOTAL sense to me and many others. My ex-boyfriend was the one who suggested counselling so the I could deal with MY PROBLEM with alcohol - he always denied that he had a problem and wore me down to the point that I, too, believed that it was my discomfort with his drinking that was the problem. The counsellor was of absolutely no help as she said that she wasn't an expert in alcoholism so couldn't say one way or the other. I have since found another counsellor who is really helping me!
He left 7 months ago because he said he wanted to "be alone" and admitted later that he was drinking a lot more. He still didn't admit to having a problem, though. In my heart, I KNOW HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC. Someone told me when I joined this forum that if the alcohol was a problem for me, it was a problem in the relationship. I was with him for 2.5 years and know now that I am much better off that he is gone. I can't imagine living my life on constant high alert for the next time he opened a can of beer or poured yet another bourbon.
Stay here and read and learn from the wisdom of all who have been down the same road. P.S. I don't think my ex actually drank the Listerine but used it to mask the smell of alcohol - what a joke!
Take care,
GE
He left 7 months ago because he said he wanted to "be alone" and admitted later that he was drinking a lot more. He still didn't admit to having a problem, though. In my heart, I KNOW HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC. Someone told me when I joined this forum that if the alcohol was a problem for me, it was a problem in the relationship. I was with him for 2.5 years and know now that I am much better off that he is gone. I can't imagine living my life on constant high alert for the next time he opened a can of beer or poured yet another bourbon.
Stay here and read and learn from the wisdom of all who have been down the same road. P.S. I don't think my ex actually drank the Listerine but used it to mask the smell of alcohol - what a joke!
Take care,
GE
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Welcome, Confuzzled. (love the name!!)
I can't add too much to what gracey and cwohio said. What is working for me is coming here (a lot!!), reading Melodie Beattie books and going to Al-anon meetings.
Just remember - you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you certainly can't control it.
Stick around, hon. You're among friends here.
Love
Minnie
xxx
I can't add too much to what gracey and cwohio said. What is working for me is coming here (a lot!!), reading Melodie Beattie books and going to Al-anon meetings.
Just remember - you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you certainly can't control it.
Stick around, hon. You're among friends here.
Love
Minnie
xxx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: somewhere, us
Posts: 4
Mine doesn't drink beer anymore, he drinks straight liquor from the bottle. his friends are here all the time and he jokes with them that he is an alcoholic and they all look at me and laugh.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Columbus Ohio
Posts: 20
((Confuzzled))
I'm glad you found your way to SR. There are a lot of great
people here who understand what you are going through. I find
it's hard for those who have never lived with active addiction
to relate to those of us who have and are. Before I married my
AH, if a friend of mine came to me and shared any of the drama
I've been subjecting myself to for the past 7 1/2 years, I'd
say she was either crazy or twisted for not leaving.
BUT, having lived it, I'm still with him, it's one crazy roller
coaster ride. Keep coming to SR, and keep sharing, read the posts,
they really do help.
You're in my prayers
Carol
"My husband is an alcoholic, and I love him"
I'm glad you found your way to SR. There are a lot of great
people here who understand what you are going through. I find
it's hard for those who have never lived with active addiction
to relate to those of us who have and are. Before I married my
AH, if a friend of mine came to me and shared any of the drama
I've been subjecting myself to for the past 7 1/2 years, I'd
say she was either crazy or twisted for not leaving.
BUT, having lived it, I'm still with him, it's one crazy roller
coaster ride. Keep coming to SR, and keep sharing, read the posts,
they really do help.
You're in my prayers
Carol
"My husband is an alcoholic, and I love him"
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: WA Rainforest
Posts: 209
Go back and read your first post, and the one where he encourages his friends to laugh at you, as if it were from a stranger and ask yourself if it's rational for someone to stay in such a relationship.
Oh and my AH was going through the Listerine like crazy too. he honestly didn't realize it had alcohol in it and was using it multiple times a day to relieve pain from an infected tooth until I pointed out to him the "X% alcohol" on the label. I haven't seen a listerine bottle since and he's switched to an alcohol free brand. Still drinks tho. Dunno what exactly it is about Listerine specifically that As love so much - there's other brands out there - but it's always LIsterine I hear about. Weird huh?
Oh and my AH was going through the Listerine like crazy too. he honestly didn't realize it had alcohol in it and was using it multiple times a day to relieve pain from an infected tooth until I pointed out to him the "X% alcohol" on the label. I haven't seen a listerine bottle since and he's switched to an alcohol free brand. Still drinks tho. Dunno what exactly it is about Listerine specifically that As love so much - there's other brands out there - but it's always LIsterine I hear about. Weird huh?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Here's the reality from where I stand today......
When drinking becomes a problem for the person consuming or for anyone around them...it's a problem!!!!!! Plain and simple.
I remember the way I self-doubted, I remember many nights believing that I was the one with the problem and was making a big deal out of nothing. I remember the lonliness I felt, the pain that I felt, etc.
Believe me, your post made absolute sense to those that have lived with an alcoholic! They are selfish, they are master manipulators, they blame, they cast off their problems and hurt the ones they claim to love the most! Typical alcoholic.
There comes a time though that I believe you have to look deep down at your life and decide what it is you want and what it is that you are getting out of the relationship/marriage that you find yourself in with an alcoholic. There is no easy answer regardless and it takes a long time to recover from the effects of having loved someone that is addicted.
You are among friends here. You are understood. You are not alone.
I hope you will stick around and read through out this site.
Welcome to SR!
When drinking becomes a problem for the person consuming or for anyone around them...it's a problem!!!!!! Plain and simple.
I remember the way I self-doubted, I remember many nights believing that I was the one with the problem and was making a big deal out of nothing. I remember the lonliness I felt, the pain that I felt, etc.
Believe me, your post made absolute sense to those that have lived with an alcoholic! They are selfish, they are master manipulators, they blame, they cast off their problems and hurt the ones they claim to love the most! Typical alcoholic.
There comes a time though that I believe you have to look deep down at your life and decide what it is you want and what it is that you are getting out of the relationship/marriage that you find yourself in with an alcoholic. There is no easy answer regardless and it takes a long time to recover from the effects of having loved someone that is addicted.
You are among friends here. You are understood. You are not alone.
I hope you will stick around and read through out this site.
Welcome to SR!
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
OH MY GOSH! This is almost unreal. It is amazing how A's can manipulate anything and everybody. And, he is making you believe this is your problem only and I am so glad you are not believing him. Get yourself some help, please!
Isn't there some kind of assistance for spouses? My daughter's husband is in the air force and it seems like she has many resources... find a therapist/psychiatrist for YOU. Seek and you shall find. YOU DESERVE TO GET HELP!
I hope you can find some peace soon.
Isn't there some kind of assistance for spouses? My daughter's husband is in the air force and it seems like she has many resources... find a therapist/psychiatrist for YOU. Seek and you shall find. YOU DESERVE TO GET HELP!
I hope you can find some peace soon.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Westbank, BC
Posts: 5
Hi there! You know once a drop of alcohol has touched your system, you are an alcoholic for life. I have been sober for 2 years now but even though I don't drink anymore I am still an alcoholic. You could have a drink once a year or every day, you are still alcoholic. You don't have to a bum in the park or the drunk in the bar to be an alcoholic.
Alcoholism is a disease. You need to be treated for it to get better. So you are right he is an alcoholic. This is a life long treatment, everyday you have to take care of your self because any small thing can trigger you to take that drink.
Your story made sense, I use to get that way too.
Alcoholism is a disease. You need to be treated for it to get better. So you are right he is an alcoholic. This is a life long treatment, everyday you have to take care of your self because any small thing can trigger you to take that drink.
Your story made sense, I use to get that way too.
Aaron
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Iola, Kansas
Posts: 9
confuzzled,
I myself was once in your husbands shoes, being a veteran of the US Navy, i was discharged because of alcohol abuse. PLEASE contact the base DRUG/ALCOHOL counselor. you will be able to find him throught the Family Sevice Center. every VA has a drug/acohol treatment facility fro both vets and active duty members. if your husband or youself think it will do any good I am willing to show him no matter how much you try to deny the disease it will come back and get you. I didnt listen and lost 18 yrs of my life. 2 yrs short of my 20 yr retirement... Family Service center can also offer help for you. It hurst me to find that the military so can be so blinded by adictions and then when it comes to the nitty gritty bite you in the ass in the end. dont know if this helps but i had to express my self..
your friend in recovery
Aaron
I myself was once in your husbands shoes, being a veteran of the US Navy, i was discharged because of alcohol abuse. PLEASE contact the base DRUG/ALCOHOL counselor. you will be able to find him throught the Family Sevice Center. every VA has a drug/acohol treatment facility fro both vets and active duty members. if your husband or youself think it will do any good I am willing to show him no matter how much you try to deny the disease it will come back and get you. I didnt listen and lost 18 yrs of my life. 2 yrs short of my 20 yr retirement... Family Service center can also offer help for you. It hurst me to find that the military so can be so blinded by adictions and then when it comes to the nitty gritty bite you in the ass in the end. dont know if this helps but i had to express my self..
your friend in recovery
Aaron
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
confuzzed: Please go to http://gettingthemsober.com for additional help; excellent site and also will provide you with a VERY helpful book and video (free). Good Luck; I KNOW the frustration you feel; at times it almost (!) makes me start to believe all their crazy-talk! Hang in there!!!
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
opps: http://www.gettingthemsober.com is what I should have posted!
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