whatnow

I am wondering if what I am supposed to do. Do I say something when he is drinking or do I let him think he is hiding it from me? I do both but don't know which one is best. I don't want him thinking he is that talented that I don't know he is drinking, but then again it always starts some kind of argument.
Anyone got the answer?

Dunitall

Hi Whatnow

As a recovering alcoholic myself, I can definitely say that you need to focus on yourself and not your A.

We've all had the arguments over booze, resorted to hiding it and drinking in "secret". Our loved ones have always known, but being so selfish, we thought we were smart enough to know best. What a load of rubbish!!

It's so not your problem. Your A has to recognise for himself that he has a problem and take the decision to do something about it for himself. Getting into a rage with him is a waste of your energy when you could be spending that energy on doing something which makes you happy.

I tried to control my drinking with little success and found that only through a recovery programme in AA and coming here, could I start to rebuild my own life. The woman that I love so much suffered badly through my behaviour and is trying to pet her own life back together also. She need time and space, just like you do.

You will probably get better advice from other spouses of A's here, but please take it from me as someone who can look back and see the damage, that your A needs to find out for himself.

Meanwhile, maybe you could get in touch with Al-anon. I know my ex fiancee has found it really helpful going there.

Take care.

Rich

cwohio

what - welcome to SR - it's a great place with many great and wise folks. read what you can on this site.

rich's suggestion about al-anon is right on. i have been married to my ah for 14 yrs. and just finally started to get into recovery - al-anon, therapy and SR site about 6 months ago. please look into al-anon - it will help. the main theme is to focus on what we CAN change, which is ourselves. we can't change, control or cure the alcoholic. it's their thing.

i used to be in the same boat you are but say nothing now because it gains me nothing - trust me - i don't think the a really thinks they are pulling the wool over us - it's just the addictive thinking.

keep coming back, asking questions, reading and sharing!

hugs - cwohio

minnie

whatnow

I used to feel exactly the same. Then I asked myself did I want to be right or happy. I decided happy, and kept quiet. Of course, I would call him on it if he lied, but I didn't broach the subject.

Al-anon and coming here has been a lifesaver.

Take care

Minnie
ccc

CarolE

Whatnow,

I agree with everyone else. I always thought I had to be right, and if I just let it go and said nothing then he was getting away with it. All that really did was cause a fight, and who needs that. The "A" is selfish and whether or not you let them know you're aware that they've been drinking, is not going to change the fact that they are drunk, or keep them from getting drunk again later. Focus on yourself go to Al-anon, keep coming back here. This is a wonderful place.

My prayers are with you
Carol

JessicaNAJ

I agree with what everyone else said.

In my situation, I turned what I knew into MY silent knowledge. He thought he could pull the wool over my eyes and me asking him wasn't doing a bit of good. He'd lie, deny, whatever.... I usually end up doubting myself on what I saw or even suspected. So, instead of asking him about it (I don't need to hear his excuses) I know what I know. Period.

Don't waste your time. Let him think he's talented. You know better.

Gracey

I want to be happy...........I am just going to know I am right from now on and work on being happy........

Jenee

Wow, that's exactly the way I am. When I found the hidden bottle the other day, after the initial anger I cried because in my mind he was drinking and laughing behind my back, "she's so naive, she doesn't have a clue."

Sometimes I say something and sometimes I don't. I don't know which is better, but usually I feel better if I say something.

gutfull

I use to say something but eventually got tired of the same ole speech...I was saying the same speech day after day and only making me miserable and him who knows he would just go on being drunk. So I yes it made me feel good to let him know that I knew but then again it made me sick to my stomach because he didn't seem to care! and it didn't change anything. It was a waste of precious time I could of been doing something worth while!

hope2bhappy

So! He knows I know??? The reason I always said something is because I wanted him to know I knew -- that he wasn't fooling anyone. But you all believe he knows that I know?

Something else... I'd like to know how many others can tell their A has been drinking in a split second, like I can. I mean, I can tell immediately just by looking at him. I'm not talking about when they are smashed (which is obvious)... I'm talking about immediately after, say, 1/2 a beer! I know right away. Do you?

JessicaNAJ

It doesn't matter what he knows - this is your own personal knowledge and knowledge is power. You know, you'd probably shock the shorts off him when you don't say anything.....lol

I can tell my AH has been drinking as soon as he say's hello. He's not fooling anyone and if I asked him, he'd just deny it so what's the point, ya know.

JennyK

I know the second he walks in the house, he never needs to say a word.

Do I say anything...

That depends...

I ask myself, will it make a difference to him? The answer is always NO

I ask myself, will it make a difference to me? That depends on my state of mind that day.

If I am fed up to my eyeballs with children and was REALLY counting on him to come home sober and give me a break, I will let him know I am unhappy. Of course this ALWAYS results in him getting pissy. So then I have an unhappy me, whiney kids AND a pissy husband. So, to eliminate the pissy husband from the mix, I don't mention it.

I can control ME. I WANT to control him. I can not.

Someone once suggested to me to create in my mind 2 husbands and be prepared for either to walk in the door. If ED comes home, then I react in one way...great sober husband and a night related to that. If NED comes home, then I react to that, not in a mean way, but just be prepared to change my expectations for the rest of the night. That worked for a year.

When I stopped seeing ED, I know that things had to change in my home.

I am mid-change. Stay tuned.

Jenny

ByAThread

I can tell immediately when my husband is drinking, and I battle constantly over the issue of making an issue of knowing...I have done everything from throwing the bottles I've found at him, to pouring them onto his passed out self, to stacking them on his car seat, to yelling, lecturing and screaming...but when I have the strength to ignore it, it works the best. He drinks regardless whether I'm right or not! I always felt I had to prove I was right...that he hadn't fooled me again...then I realized that throwing it in his face (even literally) did nothing to stop him from drinking. So...when I could, I would hold out and ignore him...VERY TOUGH TO DO!!! Now he's in treatment and I'm hoping when he comes out I can work through my suspicion and be supportive, which has been a big issue for me all along.

osier59

My wonderful sponsor tells me often that "He's not doing it TO you, he's just doing it." A's drink because they are A's. They will change the subject, pick a fight, and do whatever it takes to get the focus on something else besides the drinking. It's really that simple.

We have to work on what we can change. Our attitudes, reactions, boundaries etc. The rest is up to the A and the Higher Powers involved.

Hugs and love,
Barb

Cap3

If your alcoholic is like most,he isnt thinking about what you know or dont know about his actions.He,s thinking about the next drink.Thats part of this disease.Self-centredness,.To think that he thinks he is pulling the wool over your eyes?These are your thoughts,only.His mind is on self.Until the alcoholic gets help there is nothing that another can say and do to stop the alcoholic from drinking permentally.They have to reach their bottom.Step one.The more i let go,the more peace with myself am i.If as your working the al-anon program and your,strong gut feeling is to say something,then,i personally, follow this,with no intention to change another.I take my time.asking why i feel this way and what are my intentions here?Making sure its a gut feeling not my mind,or ego..If its my mind saying i should say something,then i work my program,only.But if you think,that saying something,that, it will change the alcoholic in any way,then back to step one.I did this myself many times.Although im alcoholic myself i still felt that what i said and did would make a difference in another alcoholic.He would see the light..wrong.He saw the light and changed when he,had,had enough,and headed to the AA rooms.And im not his sponsor...smile....

wraybear

There is no point in saying anything when they are using. They won't remember, it will start a pointless argument, it gives them a reason (in their mind) to continue to drink.

But, I do believe if their drinking has caused a problem, when they are sober, you can tell them, using "I" statements, what it caused. For example, "I felt very embaressed at the party the other night when you were drunk and knocked the food table over"

Or, "I felt abused the other night when you were drunk and called me a ___ _____"

Or, "It isn't healthy for the children to have to see you when you are unable to talk or walk"

Or, "it is a very poor example for the children to see and hear you call me names when you are drunk"

some may disagree, but I think they need to know that their drunken behaviour does affect others. Of course, I am no one to be giving advice to anyone. So, feel free to let what I say go in one ear and out the other... my AH does that all the time!

jalacola

Here are my thoughts on what you should do based on my experience and small bit of growth through detachment.

Think about this. Does it help either of you for you to say something when he has been drinking? In my experience, it does not. We end up in a heated, name calling, horrible argument. Alcoholics are sick and will do whatever it takes to take the focus off themselves, so when the finger is pointed at my A, I get to hear about my small imperfections--none of which are life-threatening or even marriage-threatening. It's just so that he isn't the only imperfect one. Does it make him think twice about drinking the next time? Absolutely not. It's as if the conversation or argument never took place. So what good did it do to get myself all worked up.

I have just gotten to the point where I can say nothing and go about my own business. I just ignore him, which pisses him off to no end. He wants to be all loving and touchy-feely when he is drunk and I refuse. I don't say a THING or ask him if he has been drinking. C'mon. We all know when they have. So, it is much calmer and I can remain less stressed without the fights. Does this mean I am happy? Well, not necessarily. HappIER, maybe, but not happy...but I am getting there.

jalacola

Wraybear, it does my AH no good to have the talks b/c he will never admit to drinking unless I catch him red-handed. He knows how his drinking has affected us and in the instances that I have caught him, you are right. In one and out the other. He acts so passionate about stopping, but that lasts what? Two days, maybe?

wraybear

I guess we all have different situations. My AH has always admitted he was an alcoholic and he has become a binge drinker. Instead of drinking constantly like he used to, he drinks 2 or 3 times a year, but very heavily and for a week or two, straight. I guess, i have learned during those phases to not say a word. But, in my case, I think he needs to know, but only when he is sober, how this behavior was hurtful to me or the children. But, I have never been one to "detach."

I just never grasped the idea of letting them think they can behave poorly without any boundaries. And, I want my children to have boundaries - to not accept the unacceptable. I want my children to feel free to say "mommy, that hurt my feelings" or "mommy, i am sorry i yelled earlier" I think our children learn these things by how we respond to our other family members. I don't think I am sending my children good signals to just not say anything and ignore that their father caused a ruckus. My personal opinion... But, we all do what works for us and our own circumstances.

Peace!

WishItWouldSnow

thanks WhatNot for your thread. i know i've gained a lot of insight into my situation by reading everyone's response.