froggie792000

Ok I know this sounds really cruel to start off but I am at my end here. My A husband has had numerous DUI's and still continues to drink. The thing is we are in the process of building a house about 15 miles away and approx. 5 nights a week he drives home drunk. Well the authorities have said the next DUI he will be ordered to 18 months in Jail and mandatory therapy. Well I have thought over and over to call 1800 DUI when he is on his way home. I know its cruel but I love this man very much and I feel 18 months without him knowing he is sober is better than the alternative....him killing himself driving or hurting innocent people on his way home....I am at the end of my ropes!!!!!!!!!
Please give me your insight!!!!

wraybear

My AH WAS in a horrible car accident with our children while drinking. he almost died - was in ICU on a venitilator for 4 weeks and hospital for 2 1/2 months and our 5 year old had spinal fracture, liver laceration and intestinal contusions. She was in hospital for 13 days.

He has been driving drunk since then too. I did call the police once, but to come and take him away and he took off before they got here. I HOPED SO MUCH that they would catch him driving that night. But, if I actually would have called them to tell them that he would be on this street at this time and he would be drunk, i don't know if i would want to live with that guilt. And, if he found out, it would be miserable.

Needless to say, I could not do it. I don't know why. It makes sense on one hand, you feel like you might be saving his life or the lives of those around him. But, there is also the financial mess that will affect YOU.

But, ultimately, this is where the control thing comes in. You are trying to control HIS problem, by forcing some sort of treatment (jail). I just don't know if you forcing something like this will help HIM OR YOU in the long run.

If you do decide to do it, at least wait until the house is built! Just kidding.

JessicaNAJ

Froggie - I posted a thread back in October. I got some really good feedback. You may want to check it out.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ferrerid=15469

LynnieD

If he drinks and drives and kills someone, you could lose everything. I know that we are not responsible for thier actions but I believe when thier actions put me or my child at risk of losing our home, finances, etc. then it is sort of my responsibility to do something about it. But this is just my opinion, what you decide is up to you. I will keep you in my prayers

hope2bhappy

But... if he drinks and drives and gets caught, you could STILL lose everything. If this happened to my AH and he went to jail for 18 months, I would not be able to make my house payment. It takes 2 salaries to live here. I have poured thousands into my home renovating and updating, etc. I would hate to have to walk away from it.

This is a situation I have wrestled with for many years. I've never figured out how to handle it. Do you turn him into the authorities as he is backing out of the driveway? Why is this not considered "forcing a solution?" I'm very torn about this.

froggie792000

Well here is a little more info...........my house is almost done and it is paid for completely........no morgage So I would have just utilities......So I could doit on my own without his income! I get so scared he is going to end up dead or taking someone mommy, daddy, brother, sister.....etc. I have decided on not calling and putting it in gods hands. But I know for sure that if he goes to jail I hope its because he got pulled over and not the alternative. I am just having such a hard time with this right now......I have such a lack of sleep on the count of taking care of a newborn baby and staying up just to make sure he doesn't fall asleep with a cig and catch this place on fire.........I am so drained

Live

I don't know, I don't think I would feel guilty or trying to control the situation.
Driving down the road home late one night, there was a driver weaving all over the place. I called.
It's not about the money, it's about the endangered lives.
I felt it my responsibility to call in a report. That person was dangerous.
I would have felt unbearably guilty if I had read in the paper the next morning that there had been a horrible drunk driving accident involving this vehicle.
I waited to see what others would say.
If I hear a neighbor getting beat up, I am going to call the police.
If I hear a woman yelling rape in the street, I am going to call the police.
It's just my belief, and I am only one person, but I believe that if I have the knowledge, responsibility goes with it.

Dee at Mt Bully

Froggie--What a rough place to be in. Every time I see an article in the news about a
DUI and an accident I get sick thinking about my AH drinking and driving. It is really
hard to know what is the right thing to do. I certainly understand why you are asking
this question and putting so much thought into the problem. I hope your HP is there
for you and your family I believe this type of thing is in someone elses hands and not
our own. Prayers and smiles--Dee

Live

Wraybear's story says it all to me. If I can do anything to help prevent that, I am going to. I don't care who gets mad at me. Yeah, I'd call.
Stranger or friend.

Live

One more thing...the only person's actions I am responsible for are my own.

Live

I just read the link Jessica posted.
I have to say and I think it is apparent, I feel the same sense of moral/social conscience as Cadence expresses.
I believe inaction is a decision and we have culpability for our decisions.

velma929

It is important to remember, if the A is your spouse, a civil lawsuit may follow the criminal trial. The civil suit is when the victim, or his/her family sues for monetary damages.

This is what happened with my father. It will be hard to find a lawyer to represent you in the civil trial. You may well be able to pay your mortgage, utilities, etc, which will be meaningless when the victim or his heirs sue for a million dollars. (Actually, my parents were only sued for three quarters of a million, and no, they were not worth anywhere near that much. and they have even less, now.)

My parents were required to pay the funeral expenses for the victim.

Also, some states charge the convicted person a fee every month for their probation and parole.

I don't know if "putting everything in your name" shields those assets from the A's victim. That's a good question for a lawyer in whatever state you live in.

dax

I think you should turn him in. He is a accident that is going to happen. The life you save could be his. You could lose everything if you don't. hugs dax

mushroom

Remember when the Unabomber was still loose, and they printed his missive in the NY Times hoping someone would recognize the author? and his own brother recognized the writing style and turned him in. People thought that was so awful for one brother to turn another in to the law but how on EARTH could anyone live with themselves if they knew they could stop a killer and didn't do it? no matter what the relationship? I mean who else was going to recognize the writer but a relative. That man had an obligation to the rest of us that was much stronger than any obligation to protect his homicidal brother and I would argue there was no responsibility to protect his brother under the conditions. Thank god he stood up for what was right.

So ... how would you live with yourself if your AH took out an innocent bystander? that's the question I would be asking myself. Not will it help him, or me, or be enabling or controlling ... but how would I live with myself?